(no subject)
So I finally got my answer on if he ever wanted to see us again. The answer was a threat to call the cops and get a restraining order.
No introduction.
No hug.
No feeling in his eyes.
Let me try to put this in a way you may relate.
Take the most coldest you have ever been. Think about the biting feel of the wind, the rawness of the cold, and the burning of your eyes. Mix it with the most uncomfortable you have ever been. The time where your stomach is twisting into a horrendous pain, the frozen feeling of not knowing where to turn, how to move, how to step away without breaking. The time where you pretend to look through at something, anything but everything's a blur because you can't seem to capture a moment long enough to process what JUST happened. Then throw in the disappointing feeling when one of your heros, your idols JUST let you down. You feel that emptiness, the doubt of your own life/actions/and feelings that you feel was helped portrayed by your love for this one person, that was larger than world in your eyes at one point. That lost feeling that makes you weak because you feel you have fallen in to deep to dig out and find a way back to being good. It's like that rolled up into the form of a weight ball that's barreling down at you from the top of a hill, while your trying your hardest to run in the opposite direction, except for the fact that your feet are completely buried in this mud. The sticky kind that wrestles you in further the harder you try to escape it. So you stand there with your eyes fixated on this ball knowing it is going to knock you down harder than you have EVER been knocked down before, you think about how it could have all be avoided if your head was clear enough earlier to think of just taking your shoes off in order to climb out of that mud. What COULD have been prevented, but was looked so loosely upon that any and all logical thinking had just been thrown out of the window. That's what it feels like.
No introduction.
No hug.
No feeling in his eyes.
Let me try to put this in a way you may relate.
Take the most coldest you have ever been. Think about the biting feel of the wind, the rawness of the cold, and the burning of your eyes. Mix it with the most uncomfortable you have ever been. The time where your stomach is twisting into a horrendous pain, the frozen feeling of not knowing where to turn, how to move, how to step away without breaking. The time where you pretend to look through at something, anything but everything's a blur because you can't seem to capture a moment long enough to process what JUST happened. Then throw in the disappointing feeling when one of your heros, your idols JUST let you down. You feel that emptiness, the doubt of your own life/actions/and feelings that you feel was helped portrayed by your love for this one person, that was larger than world in your eyes at one point. That lost feeling that makes you weak because you feel you have fallen in to deep to dig out and find a way back to being good. It's like that rolled up into the form of a weight ball that's barreling down at you from the top of a hill, while your trying your hardest to run in the opposite direction, except for the fact that your feet are completely buried in this mud. The sticky kind that wrestles you in further the harder you try to escape it. So you stand there with your eyes fixated on this ball knowing it is going to knock you down harder than you have EVER been knocked down before, you think about how it could have all be avoided if your head was clear enough earlier to think of just taking your shoes off in order to climb out of that mud. What COULD have been prevented, but was looked so loosely upon that any and all logical thinking had just been thrown out of the window. That's what it feels like.