Feb 16, 2004 21:27
some of the stuff in this entry should probably have been said to certain people in private, but its too much trouble so tough luck for you ;)
i got pretty fucked up last sunday (not yesterday but the one before, obviously), it has to be the worst day ive ever had. i spazzed out over a really small thing, a thing that on any other day would have made me happy. i think its safe to say that it was my first major break down, and hopefully the last one! ive been thinking a lot this past week, more than i normally do and thats a lot already. i dont understand how i could lose myself so much, i normally never ever do that and i couldnt even recognise myself any more. i know myself well enough to know why i act the way i do; its easier for me to prove that im unlovable if i get people to push me away. its fucked up but it hurts a lot less (?) than just to accept not getting what i want because of other stuff that i cant control. im a control freak, its funny because i try to control what others do but i have zero control over myself. i guess im just good at kidding myself to think that im on top, hahaahah. the turning point pretty much came sunday afternoon when i used our bathroom weight for the first time in a few weeks. it hit really hard and sent me really close to the edge (thus the small thing pushing me off it). i had fucking lost about 9 pounds, that was fucking scary that i havent noticed that. and whats more scary is that no one else had either. that pretty much made it clear that everything i was doing to me and others was wrong. ironic how the thing i hate most about myself is the thing that "saves" me from myself. i bet if god excisted he would laugh his ass off, damn fucker. so i guess this is kinda an apology to christian. not only to him but also to chael and beke, im sorry for being so caught up in my own shit that i have been neglecting you. i didnt mean for all this to happen, i guess i just went temporarely insane(r). i hope i havent damaged everything too much the past month. for once i actually feel normal, its a rather odd feeling. it feels empty, but the good kind of empty if there is such a thing. i think im fine with not getting what i want but im still not ready to go certain places. its unexplanable. right now i just need my friends to be around no matter how much ive hurt them. ive said it before but this time i mean it ("the boy who cried wolf" anyone?). sorry.
other stuff, good stuff: i passed my organic chem exam, barely but its passed. ive been on cloud #9 all day because of it. this is the exam i didnt study for because of lack of time and where i guessed on half of the shit. i FUCKING passed! this makes me extatic. grade for dynamic is up tomorrow or wednesday, eeeek!
and the bestest and biggest news: i had a long talk with my sister and i told her i dig guys. i didnt know wether to cry or laugh after that. she took it very well, well more than that. it kinda bugs me that no one have had a problem with it yet. i know i should be happy but it just seems too easy, oh well i bet karma will come and bite me in the ass in a few weeks.
fuck, i just re-read this entry, i sound like a fucking moron, the spelling, grammar or rather lack of it. whatever, im tired and i dont think i can make it more cohorent even if i tried. and this made even less sense than the entry itself.
anyway, i havent fallen off the planet (yet).