(no subject)
My heart's currently swollen with perfect bliss. I could say that it's solely due to the recent camp I went to. But then again, God owns the glory and the miraculous reason of this all. Lost in so many ways, I had spent so many months concentrated on my own pathetically massive ego and I believed in myself so much that I hardly acknowledged God for whatever blessings He'd actually bestowed upon me. In shorter words, I was tragically supercilious.
Months and more months had passed, I still was the same horrible Christian, if ever I could be considered one. I was in self-denial about the nostalgia I felt for my first love. My heart together with my entire soul gradually became stoic in more ways than one. I hardly cried tears. I lied to many. And even though I could proudly brag about my goodness, achievements and brains, I was still the most insecure person. I went through days wherein my nights were empty. I even hadn't prayed for a long time wherein my heart was the one doing the talking ; mostly, my brain talked. Moreover, I usually dozed off before I actually even began to utter my prayer. Though I was not perfectly oblivious about my disconnection with Him, I still did not do much. I sought for Him, yes, I did, only that I sought for Him so feebly that it was so hard for me to be able to find Him. But you know what? God truly is the most gracious and merciful of all. I had slain Him in a million deeds. I had turned my back on Him. I had chosen my worldly and materialistic life over Him to the extent that I couldn't surrender to Him my earthly pleasures. But still, He extended His hand even longer than the usual just to get to me that last night at camp. That moment when I felt God for the very first time in months (!!!) was indescribable. Knowing myself and how numb and calloused I had gotten, it seemed almost magical.
Now, I'm feeling afraid of not being able to be consistently soaring over that mountain top. I'm frightened of my natural instinct to be quite vacillating about the whole thing. But then again, I'm putting my best foot out and I really want to make Him proud this time. :)
Months and more months had passed, I still was the same horrible Christian, if ever I could be considered one. I was in self-denial about the nostalgia I felt for my first love. My heart together with my entire soul gradually became stoic in more ways than one. I hardly cried tears. I lied to many. And even though I could proudly brag about my goodness, achievements and brains, I was still the most insecure person. I went through days wherein my nights were empty. I even hadn't prayed for a long time wherein my heart was the one doing the talking ; mostly, my brain talked. Moreover, I usually dozed off before I actually even began to utter my prayer. Though I was not perfectly oblivious about my disconnection with Him, I still did not do much. I sought for Him, yes, I did, only that I sought for Him so feebly that it was so hard for me to be able to find Him. But you know what? God truly is the most gracious and merciful of all. I had slain Him in a million deeds. I had turned my back on Him. I had chosen my worldly and materialistic life over Him to the extent that I couldn't surrender to Him my earthly pleasures. But still, He extended His hand even longer than the usual just to get to me that last night at camp. That moment when I felt God for the very first time in months (!!!) was indescribable. Knowing myself and how numb and calloused I had gotten, it seemed almost magical.
Now, I'm feeling afraid of not being able to be consistently soaring over that mountain top. I'm frightened of my natural instinct to be quite vacillating about the whole thing. But then again, I'm putting my best foot out and I really want to make Him proud this time. :)