Letters to the Boss
[Another rant entry :/ I am sorry..the next one will be regular though I am sure. I don't even really need to post this one, I just don't want to have the thoughts inside me anymore. I want to let them go and this is the best way I know how. Heck, I probably will post another one right after this just because]
>_> Well this isn't the journal I had originally planned to post tonight. I wanted it to be happy...heck I was happy! I though it was over, I though we were better. I was wrong.
I saw someone do this once, write little letters to those who were causing them problems at the time. I thought I would try it...it seemed like a good way to get the words out. Know that when you read this most of my words will ring false in the morning light. I'm upset at this time and thus everything is spoken in anger. I love my family, but I need a release.
Mother:
Don't know if there is much I can say. In my experience I know my words will fall on deaf ears. You just can't listen...you can't hear your own faults. So instead stay for my thanks. Perhaps that's what you were looking for...some form or gratitude? Some idea that I was thankful for all you have done. Well, here it is. Thanks for all the snide comments, the talk downs, the fact syrupy sweet lines you fed me thinking I wouldn't see the venom beneath. Thanks for the feelings you left me with. The worthlessness and the idea that I just wasn't good enough. Looking back I think perhaps you just didn't know any better then to say things the way you did. Who knows, I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt though. Perhaps someday your eyes will open and you'll see that the effects of your actions are just as bad as my own.
Father:
I've always been a daddy's girl I think. We always seemed more bonded, shared the same interests..all that jazz. Still I know I can't always count on that support. Not in an argument. Not when I feel most vulnerable. I know that should mom and I get into it, that you will back her up. Put up the 'parent wall'. I know I have lost by then. I know I can't take the double teaming. Remember when I told both of you all this? Remember what you said? I suppose not since nothing has changed since that moment. I just wanted to say thanks for that lesson you've taught me. The one about having your support...but know I could lose it at the same time. Not knowing when I will or will not have to stand against the wall, alone in my fight. I guess this will bring me strength.
Brother:
Yours is easy. I'd be simple enough for me to just say thanks for all the little games you played and offer a few wishes of my own. I hope it made you feel good. I hope you felt in power. In control. Your older right, an adult? I'm just a kid. Why shouldn't I listen to your commands? I hope it made you feel like a man. I hope its gotten you what you wanted. Most of all, I hope it was all worth it.
To Myself:
It only seems fitting that I make one for myself as well. Make no mistake I don't consider myself blameless. I know I have caused a lot of problems. So I just wanted to give myself a few pats on the back for my part in the chaos. My big mouth for one. My loud voice, my inability to give my threats in a quite whisper. My hotheadedness. My stubbornness. My unyielding need to get the last word in, the last point, the last jab to take that last scrap of patience away. These are all things that have aided in the troubles. They belong to myself and myself alone. Perhaps I should change my own self, let go of what I feel is best. Maybe then and only then things will change. Perhaps there is something to that old saying, Time heals all wounds.
>_> Well this isn't the journal I had originally planned to post tonight. I wanted it to be happy...heck I was happy! I though it was over, I though we were better. I was wrong.
I saw someone do this once, write little letters to those who were causing them problems at the time. I thought I would try it...it seemed like a good way to get the words out. Know that when you read this most of my words will ring false in the morning light. I'm upset at this time and thus everything is spoken in anger. I love my family, but I need a release.
Mother:
Don't know if there is much I can say. In my experience I know my words will fall on deaf ears. You just can't listen...you can't hear your own faults. So instead stay for my thanks. Perhaps that's what you were looking for...some form or gratitude? Some idea that I was thankful for all you have done. Well, here it is. Thanks for all the snide comments, the talk downs, the fact syrupy sweet lines you fed me thinking I wouldn't see the venom beneath. Thanks for the feelings you left me with. The worthlessness and the idea that I just wasn't good enough. Looking back I think perhaps you just didn't know any better then to say things the way you did. Who knows, I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt though. Perhaps someday your eyes will open and you'll see that the effects of your actions are just as bad as my own.
Father:
I've always been a daddy's girl I think. We always seemed more bonded, shared the same interests..all that jazz. Still I know I can't always count on that support. Not in an argument. Not when I feel most vulnerable. I know that should mom and I get into it, that you will back her up. Put up the 'parent wall'. I know I have lost by then. I know I can't take the double teaming. Remember when I told both of you all this? Remember what you said? I suppose not since nothing has changed since that moment. I just wanted to say thanks for that lesson you've taught me. The one about having your support...but know I could lose it at the same time. Not knowing when I will or will not have to stand against the wall, alone in my fight. I guess this will bring me strength.
Brother:
Yours is easy. I'd be simple enough for me to just say thanks for all the little games you played and offer a few wishes of my own. I hope it made you feel good. I hope you felt in power. In control. Your older right, an adult? I'm just a kid. Why shouldn't I listen to your commands? I hope it made you feel like a man. I hope its gotten you what you wanted. Most of all, I hope it was all worth it.
To Myself:
It only seems fitting that I make one for myself as well. Make no mistake I don't consider myself blameless. I know I have caused a lot of problems. So I just wanted to give myself a few pats on the back for my part in the chaos. My big mouth for one. My loud voice, my inability to give my threats in a quite whisper. My hotheadedness. My stubbornness. My unyielding need to get the last word in, the last point, the last jab to take that last scrap of patience away. These are all things that have aided in the troubles. They belong to myself and myself alone. Perhaps I should change my own self, let go of what I feel is best. Maybe then and only then things will change. Perhaps there is something to that old saying, Time heals all wounds.