For Hire
As you all know by now, I am hopelessly single. I happen to stick to the subtle fact that I ward of women like a hic shaking a 12 gauge in the air screaming “I SEE THE ALIENS…THEY HAVE MY VCR, BASTARDS!!”. Is this a problem? I think it is. But what do I do about it? apparently nothing. Cause so far nothing has worked to my advantage. Most would be phased by this. Some would say “am I gay?”. Some would say “I must not be pretty enough/too fat/too dumb” or “holy shit, I look awesome in leg warmers”. But for some it’s a problem of being too nice. Yes you heard me right, a matter of being too nice. I have the chronic disorder of being everyone’s “friend”. And if im not their friend I am their worst enemy. And I pull this off with a finesse. don’t get me wrong. Im not saying that being everyones friend is a bad thing, I wouldent trade any of my friendships for anything In the world. Well anyways on to the reason why I wrote this. A while back I was flipping through the channels and along came mtv. As always I glanced at the screen and suddenly felt a stroke coming on to me. I went to quickly change the channel but I could move my hand, I was experiencing total motor failure. I thought “if I am gonna die I might as well make the best of it”. So I sat there and anticipated the worst. What came was quite intriguing for me. It was a reality show. Consisting of a guy who took a girl on a date. The catch was that the guy had a sort of guide sitting in a limo that gave him advice and things to do through an ear piece that went to the person on the date. The rationale for the show was that this guy was supposed gain points by asking questions of the girl that were pretty personal or required skill such as “what do you weight” and “whats your bra size”. And the helper of the guy on the date would help him along with it. while watching this I noticed a similarity between me and the date helper. As he went along the guy on the date was a compleate idiot. Inside my head I was thinking “get the door for her shithead!” or “take her coat, what do you think this is an igloo”. And I would have ideas on what the guy should have done in certain situations. For example he kept trying to keep a conversation going, but sucked at it. I kept shouting at the tv “ask her if she has any favorite movies!” “does she have a job?” “anything but small talk!”. Instead of being completely stupefied by the show on mtv I was intrigue to write. And then it hit me. I should become a professional like that. A person that helps out relationships for guys. I call my position a “middle man”. What is a middle man you ask? Let me give you some background on a subject I have studied since 7th grade. One day my friend and I were hanging around downtown. Everything I had ever known about girls I had learned from him, or at least I thought. We went over to T.J. hession’s house and we met his current love interest. I sat outside cause it was not my place at the moment. About a half and hour later he came out and we started to go home. I asked what happened and he gave me his story. I am stuck on the details at this time, but it was something he was problematic that he couldent figure out. when he finished the story he asked me what he should do. I turned to him and uttered “are you joking? Me? I have never even had a relationship…and you’re the god”! So in an effort to help him I asked him for the story, only this time both sides. With some of my knowledge of romantic comedys and chick flicks (I have a horrible guilty pleasure that causes me to extreamly like chick flicks) I devised a plan and I gave him advice. Later that week things got a lot better. As I progressed through the school years I stayed pretty much single through most of it. but along the way I helped people who came up to me with questions. If there was something wrong with a guy in the relation I would smack him up and go “idiot, shape up heres what you’re doing wrong” or the girls with “ok your man is an idiot, heres why”.
That’s why I have decided I am for hire. That’s right, act now and you can get your very own middle man. And just what are some of the benefits of this?
- 24 hour 7 day service. Yes, if you feel that theres something horribly wrong I am on call waiting to help out with whatever is wrong.
- I make sure that nothing screwy is going on. Lets say that your girlfriend keeps on getting hit on by doofus mcdildo. You are nowhere to be found. I can butt in on the conversation and politely ask him to fuck himself. Or lets say a nasty rumor is being spread around the school. If I hear it I can quickly dispel it and offer another kindly rumor instead (theres more than enough Michael Jackson and alien storys to go around)
- Helping out each other. Lets say you are a bumbling idiot, and you need help with a possible idea for a date. Just come to me and I can offer up some excellent ideas for dates. Or lets say its something as simple as what to say to her. That’s where I can come in. for the ladies, I offer reasurrance plans about your guy. Not sure if he cares about you? I have the proof. Not sure what to wear one night? I got that down to a science.
- Full blameability. Screw something up guys and you think you’re fucked if your girlfriend finds out? Settle down. I come to the table with excellent negotiation skills. Chances are it isn’t that bad anyways, your just making a big deal about it.
These are just some of the benefits of having a middle man. If your interested give me a call or IM me or something.