I'm beautiful when im asleep
Ok so I have been noticing some things about myself this past week. first of all, I am beginning to nod off into sleep during classes. This has been stagnant in classes that I have been attending in usually the morning. If I am doing something that doesent require me to pay much attention I start to nod off into sleep. This means my eyes start to droop and everything around me becomes heavy. Then I don’t really consciously know whats going on around me, and I will suddenly go in and out of memory for about 2 minutes. In which time my head vigorously bounces and I come to consciousness again. Of course, there is a simple solution for this. I am obviously not getting enough sleep at night. I have constantly gone to bed at 11 every night. I know what you are thinking, I’m a fuckin pussy. 11 past my little girl bedtime? I thought about this when I started nodding off in my Kaplan course today and I came up with some theories. First of all, I must not be getting enough sleep because I am getting older, and my body requires that I get more sleep. This seemed perfectly logical when I rationalized it. When I was a younger 15 year old chap in my freshman year of high school I would go to bed usually at around 11:30-12, and I would be absolutely fine. I thought “I am getting too old for this shit, I have to sleep more, I could do it as a kid, but now I cant”. oh, but this wasn’t the reason I finally came to. How come I could go to sleep at 12 and be chipper in the morning ready for another day? It was because I actually had something to look foreword when I got to school. It didn’t matter if I didn’t sleep at all, I had something that comforted me, something that made me excited. Something that made me enjoy waking up every morning. Of course, as you all know, sophomore year absolutely fucking blew. for everyone, you cannot say that you had a full 100% good sophomore year. For some reason it sucked so goddamn much. However I didn’t notice a sleep pattern difference like I do now. Well I look in my junior year now, almost an elder in the school system, and I realized I have the opposite problem as I did in freshman year. I wake up every morning now staring at the clock, wanting it to just say “ok champ, you had enough, go back to sleep”. it doesn’t say that, It gets up and hammers into my head all the things that I have to go through today. “YOU WILL GO TO SCHOOL, BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T YOU WILL NOT GO TO COLLEGE!”. “YOU WILL GO BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO, FORGET YOUR FRIENDS, THEY DON’T MEAN A THING”. “AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T MAKE A MOVE, SHE HAS NO INTEREST IN YOU. MIGHT AS WELL DIG YOUR OWN GRAVE SLICK, YOU ARE ALREADY TESTING THE GROUND TO SEE HOW HARD YOU HAVE TO SHOVEL”. and so I trudge out of bed, knowing today will be another wasted day. And for a solid few minutes I think “gee, I would really like to take a seat next to sean up there”. so I walk into school. No more ipod listening, which aggravates me already. I just want to go back home and sulk there for the rest of my life, I have nobody that wishes to see me In school, so why stay. So I go through the day and I come back home. Where either I have work, or I have no work, but Kaplan at night. I have realized why my grades suck. My work ethic is pure shit. I come home and play guitar and I get absolutely nowhere with it. I play stuff that I can play, I could never become another Hendrix, or another Steve Vai, those guys have talent, I have a passing obsession. And forget me getting into the scene, I have absolutely nothing to contribute to the music world. I cant write songs, I cant write riffs, I have no idea why I keep playing. For my own satisfaction? I will sure love it when im living on the streets after I fucked up and couldn’t get into college. So I went to my next plan, writing. I have realized my writing has nothing special about it. Yea, I write about random things, sometimes its serious, sometimes its funny, hahaha you’re great Chris, now actually take the writing somewhere for a change. I have no credibility with my articles. Ashley can write something brilliant, and I look back at something I might have been proud of and realize the steaming pile of crap it is. Or such when I am reading a magazine I will look at articles and see how much better they are, how much better they can string together a sentence, almost to the point of poetry. So im pretty sure that’s taking me nowhere. As far as anything else, politics pisses me off too much, im sick of the bush/ kerry bullshit, and its only bound to become worse. I thought about being a lawyer, but I aint got enough bookreadin for that. Basically my future begins and ends with a family. That is probably all I will amount to. I guess I could move down to jersey and become a waiter in some dumb restaurant, make enough to afford a roof over my head, and food for my kids. And maybe, just maybe, I will be a good influence on them, and they wont fuck up and turn out like their father.
Anyways, goodnight