(no subject)
Okay, so new entry, I was wrong.. they aren't here. Why would he come home right after talking to me on the phone and me confirming I'm mad. Why would he. I need him to come home so I can go to thebank and deposit our money for the rent before they cash the check.. it's 5:46, I'm home alone on a Monday when he has off. I was gone ALLLLLL DAY, 8-4:30, you'd think he would be home to spend the extra time with me since he works all week.. from 1-10.. you would think, I would hope.. but no luck.
I don't think he loves me as much as he loves himself. That's one of the meanest things I have EVER said.. but I feel that way. Everytime I try to tell him how I'm feeling and that he needs to help out and change things, SOMEHOW it turns right around and it's all about him. No, this isn't about him. This isn't about me. This is about us working together as a team. I feel like the person who does all the work and then gets no credit.
Shit is going to hit the fan when he gets home.. I mean, I don't wanna yell anymore, or freak out, I'm past it for now.. I'm just too sad. I'm too drained.. just emotionally, I am a blob.. a fucking blob of nothingness. I'm that empty.
I wanna take the dog for a walk, maybe to clear my mind, knock off some of his energy.. but I can't because I'm WAITING for him to get home so I can go to the bank. I'm so sad. I am so incredibly sad. I've never been this miserable in a relationship in my entire life.. it's like I'm being stabbed repeatively but going back for more.. thinking oh, he slipped on a banana and stabbed me in the foot.. then somehow it happens over and over again even though the banana isn't there. No, this isn't a reference to being beat.. it's just some weird simile I came up with.
The ring he bought me - yeah, I work at Hooters, I advertise that I have someone. I wear a diamond ring on my left ring finger. I'm ADVERTISING that I'm not single. Now, wouldn't you think he'd have a picture of me up in his tattoo station? No. Not one picture.. but when I don't wear the ring, he asks, why aren't you wearing it? Well, why isn't there a picture of me up in your station? Oh, wait, it's because you don't like my modeling pics, because they aren't "real" well, I have plenty of candid pictures of us on the computer.. print one out, advertise me, show you're proud of me.. yeah, right. I don't even really wanna wear it anymore.. I might just give it back.. especially since when I have some sort of argument he uses the line "I don't wanna hear it, look at your finger". Great, if it's going to represent control or guilt over love, I don't want it anymore. I think I may just take it off and not wear it for a while. Whenever I look at it, it reminds me of how sad I am.. not how happy I am to be with him, or how much I love him. Yeah, that's sick.. and it sucks.
Man, this sucks.
Life is seriously sucking.
And it's not sucking good stuff.
I don't think he loves me as much as he loves himself. That's one of the meanest things I have EVER said.. but I feel that way. Everytime I try to tell him how I'm feeling and that he needs to help out and change things, SOMEHOW it turns right around and it's all about him. No, this isn't about him. This isn't about me. This is about us working together as a team. I feel like the person who does all the work and then gets no credit.
Shit is going to hit the fan when he gets home.. I mean, I don't wanna yell anymore, or freak out, I'm past it for now.. I'm just too sad. I'm too drained.. just emotionally, I am a blob.. a fucking blob of nothingness. I'm that empty.
I wanna take the dog for a walk, maybe to clear my mind, knock off some of his energy.. but I can't because I'm WAITING for him to get home so I can go to the bank. I'm so sad. I am so incredibly sad. I've never been this miserable in a relationship in my entire life.. it's like I'm being stabbed repeatively but going back for more.. thinking oh, he slipped on a banana and stabbed me in the foot.. then somehow it happens over and over again even though the banana isn't there. No, this isn't a reference to being beat.. it's just some weird simile I came up with.
The ring he bought me - yeah, I work at Hooters, I advertise that I have someone. I wear a diamond ring on my left ring finger. I'm ADVERTISING that I'm not single. Now, wouldn't you think he'd have a picture of me up in his tattoo station? No. Not one picture.. but when I don't wear the ring, he asks, why aren't you wearing it? Well, why isn't there a picture of me up in your station? Oh, wait, it's because you don't like my modeling pics, because they aren't "real" well, I have plenty of candid pictures of us on the computer.. print one out, advertise me, show you're proud of me.. yeah, right. I don't even really wanna wear it anymore.. I might just give it back.. especially since when I have some sort of argument he uses the line "I don't wanna hear it, look at your finger". Great, if it's going to represent control or guilt over love, I don't want it anymore. I think I may just take it off and not wear it for a while. Whenever I look at it, it reminds me of how sad I am.. not how happy I am to be with him, or how much I love him. Yeah, that's sick.. and it sucks.
Man, this sucks.
Life is seriously sucking.
And it's not sucking good stuff.