(no subject)
I'm so stressed out.
I thought I wouldn't post this in livejournal for everyone to see.. bu t it's been going on for so long, I just don't care anymore.
My heart is broken.
I am at such a loss here.. I feel so unappreciated. I'm getting tired of being the mom. I'm sick of it, fucking sick of it. Everytime we have the "discussion" about things needing to change, things get somewhat better for 3 days and then goback to the same bullshit as before. I'm really losing it.. all of it. I'm not entirely emotionless, but I cry for myself.. I cry for myself... because I am so sad constantly and so sick of being the one to do everything around the house, I'm sick of it. And what does he have to use against me? The fact that he works more than I do and he pays a lot of the bills. I am so embarrassed that he does that. I'm so embarassed that he takes the weight of it all.. but that's no fucking reason to act like a child. I don't wanna wipe his nose anymore.. I just wanna be his girlfriend, I wanna be in a relationship.. and right now, I feel like it's all one sided.
I came home from class today hoping maybe he would have made me dinner since it's the only day we get to spend together, like, in the daytime.. I actually believed this guy would have made me dinner for when I got home, but I soon find that he's out getting food.. didn't do anything productive all day, and is now realizing that I have a pissy tone to my voice because I'm just appalled that the day is wasted. He has one day off a week.. if you so choose to work 6 days a week, you have to suck up the fact that the things that are important need to be done that day.. we're grownups now, we don't get to have unplanned fun.. life comes first. My heart hurts so much..
I almost wanna tell him to spend a few days somewhere else.. sleep on someone's couch.. cause I just can't take it. I think I'd rather not have him here and do everything myself than have him here doing absolutely nothing.
My heart hurts so bad. I'm so sick of crying. That's all I do. I cry. Every night. Every single night. My feelings are so hurt.. things aren't changing. I've given him quite a few chances, had the same conversations over and over, and I'm sick of giving out more chances. I'm tired of it.
I think they're back now.. I need to go and wipe my tears away so I don't look ridiculous. He never believes my tears anyway.. they don't affect him.. I think he thinks I'm faking it.. or being too dramatic.. when in reality, I'm trying to cope with what I know I have to do to remedy the problem.. I just can't face it.
I thought I wouldn't post this in livejournal for everyone to see.. bu t it's been going on for so long, I just don't care anymore.
My heart is broken.
I am at such a loss here.. I feel so unappreciated. I'm getting tired of being the mom. I'm sick of it, fucking sick of it. Everytime we have the "discussion" about things needing to change, things get somewhat better for 3 days and then goback to the same bullshit as before. I'm really losing it.. all of it. I'm not entirely emotionless, but I cry for myself.. I cry for myself... because I am so sad constantly and so sick of being the one to do everything around the house, I'm sick of it. And what does he have to use against me? The fact that he works more than I do and he pays a lot of the bills. I am so embarrassed that he does that. I'm so embarassed that he takes the weight of it all.. but that's no fucking reason to act like a child. I don't wanna wipe his nose anymore.. I just wanna be his girlfriend, I wanna be in a relationship.. and right now, I feel like it's all one sided.
I came home from class today hoping maybe he would have made me dinner since it's the only day we get to spend together, like, in the daytime.. I actually believed this guy would have made me dinner for when I got home, but I soon find that he's out getting food.. didn't do anything productive all day, and is now realizing that I have a pissy tone to my voice because I'm just appalled that the day is wasted. He has one day off a week.. if you so choose to work 6 days a week, you have to suck up the fact that the things that are important need to be done that day.. we're grownups now, we don't get to have unplanned fun.. life comes first. My heart hurts so much..
I almost wanna tell him to spend a few days somewhere else.. sleep on someone's couch.. cause I just can't take it. I think I'd rather not have him here and do everything myself than have him here doing absolutely nothing.
My heart hurts so bad. I'm so sick of crying. That's all I do. I cry. Every night. Every single night. My feelings are so hurt.. things aren't changing. I've given him quite a few chances, had the same conversations over and over, and I'm sick of giving out more chances. I'm tired of it.
I think they're back now.. I need to go and wipe my tears away so I don't look ridiculous. He never believes my tears anyway.. they don't affect him.. I think he thinks I'm faking it.. or being too dramatic.. when in reality, I'm trying to cope with what I know I have to do to remedy the problem.. I just can't face it.