my pain doesnt matter this is me venting so read if u want you probably wont cuz it's huge
well here we go alot of people are going to get annoyed at me for this but i need my thoughts in writing... erm typing i need them anywhere but in my mind i need to see it from a difrent angle instead of just in my head so if u think your going to get annoyed at the fact that i have issues and are one of the many who just dont give a shit or dont wanna hear about it then stop reading this post now YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED the shit that follows is alot of things i need to say but cant really say to anyone because they just dont seem to care or want to hear it apparently their problems are real but mine arent i'm not supposed to feel anything but my "normal happy " mood wich by the way isnt real or at least it wasnt...!!!
...senior sign out is in 6 weeks or so and most of my friends are signing out they are done with school and i am being left behind most of my freinds are seniors and most of them are like the only ones i can hang out with and have fun, no worrys i feel safe around them i feel comforatable and thats not easy for me feel. my friends have been helping me alot weither they know it or not when i am with them i am "happy" something i havent been in a very long time. i laugh when i am around them and i mean truely laugh not forceing it like i normally do. they are the people i trust 100% and they will be gone in about 6 weeks i wont see their faces day after day as i have become accustomed to. and i know it's like 6 weeks away but that isnt long at all the people i have finally allowed myself ot get attached to the only people i am actually able to talk to are going to be graduating. god look at me i'm crying again, i've done that alot today i havent cried in little over a month.. well untill today and actually a little bit on saterday.. in the morning i woke up and the tears just started to come out of my freaking eyes i have had the same dream for the past 4 nights now, reliving the year and a half of sexual harrassment in one night for the past 4 nights i had pushed it from my mind and for some reason it's comming back now...
do you know what a year and a half of mind games and sexual harrassment can do to a person... it completely broke me and with the help of my current friends i have just begun to put some of my issues aside i used to NEVER take off my sweat shirt and now i can take it off for a short while when i am around them but with other people i dont know around i get freaked and put it back on but some progress is better than none i suppose...so thanks you guys (basically bcw people lol a few others helped but honestly it was all you guys/girls) i'll make a post of what i went through in that year and a half so this post isnt HUGE idk does it really evn matter? most of the people who have this journal dont even read it... personally i think they just dont care... there was so much more i wanted to say but it isnt comming to me now i feel numb i've been crying since like 3 pm it's 9 ish now my eyes burn and are all puffy.oh yes i rememeber things now...
first thing i thought about today was about my dreaming about the past issues... it brought up alot of my self conscious issues dane spent hours trying to make me beleive i was hott and such it isnt that easy though u can tell me i am not ugly untill i am blue in the face but... because of my past all i can see is whats wrong with me i was VIEWING the tapes of wrestling with me on it and all i could think about was i wish i hadnt been on the tape i HATE the way i look my face is too long and my nose is too just wrong herson made a point of telling me that often.. alot of people have... i hate my voice as well camera's in general sucki'd rather not have a pic or video clip of me like ever why would anyone want to remember me especially these days the only thing i could think of when watching the video when i was in the red bellyshirt was how i looked fat... not neccesarly fat i guess but my stomach is giving me problems and thx to herson and other sucky guys i have a problem with my damn boobs herson chad corey nick nate and others made it damn clear that i have like no boobs whoopie fucking do... thank you very fucking much for pointing it out to everyone right infront of me and another thing my ass looked HUGE omfg dude i was like wa bam there it is no idk everyone tells me they love my ass but w/e if thats all i got going for me then ::shrugs:: go me :sigh:
that and my friends leaving is hard for me but what can you do they are going to bigger and better things they are taking controll of their lives and i am damn proud of them! ashley wants to be a piolt (sp?) i'm proud of her she's going to go do what she loves to do how crazy is that!!! tim is apparently gonna be a fireman... that worrys me slightly i dont want any of my friends getting hurt or putting their lives in danger but if it is what he wants to do than good luck to him ^_^ idk what alot of others are going to do but if they love it then they should do it i'm proud of them all for comming this far congrats you guys!!
OK THIS IS A POST I MADE IN AN OLD JOURNAL IT'S ABOUT WHAT I WENT THROUGH LISTING EVENTS OF WHEN I WAS SEXUALLY HARRASSED JUST SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND MORE WHAT I MEAN IN THE ABOVE POST but fyi it pisses alot of people off
ok this is how it all started... herson moved to town with his dad and brother ayanis (gomen idk how to spell his name ) well we all started to hangout and eventually me and herson started to like each other ...i know i liked him but idk if he really liked me anywhoo we acted like we were going out when we hung out cuddling and shit well in school he would barely say hello to me but outta school when his friends werent around to see he would be all over me... i eventually over heard him telling my sister saying he liked me alot but would never go out with me... because no one liked me ..(aka his asshole friends)
and it would ruin his rep as a player ... so i got pissed and we had a fight well i forgave him like the stupid fuck that i am and we got into a fight soon afeter about the inschool outta school thing and that when i gave up on him and things turned... idk how it the harrassment started but idk :sigh: ok i remember almost everyday on the bus he's sit next to or near me if i had shorts or a skirt on or hell no matter what i was wearing he's put his hand on my knee and start sliding it up and he's be like "adams you've got such nice legs i am gonna go home and spread them" i'd push his had off and tell him fuck no your not and yell and shit he's keep putting his hand back he did that ALOT...
one time i went out in the snow with my baby girl ( and no it's not mine she's like my little sister) anywhoo she went home and i had no more clothes i needed to do laundry herson came over he was friendsa with my sisiter too and i didnt trust him with my rats he almost got one of them killed well i was in a mini skort and i say near them ignoring him he layed near me and ran his hand up from my ankle to my knee and kept going so i pushed his hand opff and slapped him telling him not to fucking touch me ..he kept doing it
then he suggested we shut the lights off and try to "find eachother in the dark" i wasnt playin so i stayed on the bed near the rats and just sat there like ok ur cool now and i see him creeping up to me (i can see in the dark dont ask ) his hand was creeping twards meso i slammed my hand down on his my fingernails straightinto his skin she kinda yelped and backedup ayani held my legs down and herson held my body down pinning me on the bed..ayanis saw i didnt think it was fun and games and he let go herson didnt (ayanis is cool i love that kid he tried ot help me out w/ his brother ) herson wouldnt let me up so i fought like hell struggled and got free and pushed him off the bed soon after that he left and i was pissed...
(keep in mind thesew are events as the come to mind not all in order )... i'm getting all sick to my stomach just thinking about the jack ass anywhoo... umm he came to my house once and i hated him by this point mandy was baby sitting a few doors down and i got herson outta my house into the apartment halls and i started to walk to the apt mandy was baby sitting in now that herson was locked out of my house atleast he pushed me against the wall and pinned me to the wall he had my wrists and pressed them to the wall he was pressing his body against mine and wouldnt let me go even though i kept telling him to get the fuckk off of me... so i did what i do best when it comes to him and brought my knee up he was pressing against me so i couldnt do it too hard but it was enough to get me free
i started to run down the hall to mandys he tackled me we wrestled and it got blurry but somehow he got ontop of me i was face down he layed there on my stomach he had pinned me down my hands were under my chest and he was like " what are you gonna do now i have 180 pounds on you " the words still ring in my ears he souned so cocky and pleased with himself it was truely a game to him he even admitted it he thought is was FUNNYa mere game to him... so i pushed up and knocked him off i wrestled with him for a few and finally got free and ran into mandys apt she held the door open we locked him out and he was like "christina come out and wrestle again" he eventually left she was like "dude he was like trying to rape you geeze" that made me mad that he did that
umm what else he was in my house and i grabbed him by the neck and pressed him against the wall and told him to get out he grabbed my neck and squeezed hard and eventually with much pursuasion from me he left...
he would walk into my house totally un invited just to piss me off i'd go to the bowling alley and he's go he's follow me around and corner me against a wall he used to make fun of me to the point i started wearing a sweat shit constantly ... i still do i dont like being with out my sweatshirt i get uncomforatable and really really selfconciouse idk he'd say shit like i had a dream that i was feeling you up and when i woke up i was feeling ym wall ..i didnt like how i looked already but him constantly making fun of me...:sigh: idk it made me feel worse i am still not over that... i took shit like this for about a year and a half wow he's been gone for about 1/2 a year and still everything just sticks with me the mind games were so hard one minute he wanted me i was hott and this and that the next i was ugly and flat and he made a point of pointing out all of my defaults.
during the summer i had to stop going to the pool..i love water i love to swim and hang with some of my friends at the pool but i just couldne anymore..herson was alway there and ::takes a deep breath:: he's corner me in the pool and he would holler at me and corner me against the side of the pool in a way i couldnt get out he's grab my upper thigh too close for comfort and my hips he's jump into the pool onto me i rememeber i punched him in the stomach as he jumped at me he'd hug me and not let go or pull me under and not let me up for a while ...
once in the parking lot i was talking to york and and he came up to me from behind and hugged me tightly and wudnt let go my hands were in fists by my chest and i stomped on his foot near the ankle and then brought my elbows back hard into his stomach turned around and pushed him off then he hugged me front the front my hands in the same position i stomped on his foot again punched him int he stomach and pushed him off ...
on the bus i sat in ym normal seat corey sat next to me (my ex and hersons friend) herson sat behind me and their frend my ex friend nate sat infront of me and they all started in on me poking me and putting thier fingers in my face grabbing at me n shit not even my best friend tryed helping she just laughed
umm what else can i remember well therse more i am sure of it but i cant think of it now i cant remember what i put in here and what i didnt but thats basically the main parts he did shit like that every damn day oh in school he's walk up to me (after i hated him :stare: ) he's put an arm around my sholder and be like "adams how you doing beautiful" i'd elbow him and he'd let go i have kicked,punched,kneed,elbowed, w/e u can think of to that effect to his balls assuming he had any and he didnt get it umm after he moved i was on the phone with his youngest bro lenny he wanted to say hi while my sis was in the br so i talked to lenny herson found out i was on the phone and grabbed it ..
he's like "adams how you doin beautiful i miss you " i was like " fuck off asshole i dont miss you at all i'm fucking glad your ass is outta here i fucking hate you so fuck off " and tht was the end of that then online he imed me on lennys sn he's like u going to that dance on fri i was like yeah i always do he's like guess what so i said what ... this is herson !!!!! i was like fuck now he's gonna go to the dance and i am gonna be screwed he didnt show luckly but last time i went to a dance with him there it washorrible he wudnt get off me all night ok well i cant remember anymore for now but i ALMOST ALWAYS have my sweatshirt
on...
after all of the shit that happened i became suicidal i stopped eating sleeping talking to people i stayed inside and hardly ever came out i became deeply depressed and i HATED myself i hated everything about myself if you asked me back then there was not one thing i could coem up with that i liked about myself...hell to get any kind of amusement i'd blast music and start to dance so i do have to say thanks to him for that cuz if that never happened i would have never taught myself to dance i couldnt dance back then beleiveit or not well yes this post is ...a HUGE so i'll update soon enough ... sorry for laying it all out but i needed to get some shit down before it crosses my mind and i start crying yet again cuz i am weak and utterly pathetic
...senior sign out is in 6 weeks or so and most of my friends are signing out they are done with school and i am being left behind most of my freinds are seniors and most of them are like the only ones i can hang out with and have fun, no worrys i feel safe around them i feel comforatable and thats not easy for me feel. my friends have been helping me alot weither they know it or not when i am with them i am "happy" something i havent been in a very long time. i laugh when i am around them and i mean truely laugh not forceing it like i normally do. they are the people i trust 100% and they will be gone in about 6 weeks i wont see their faces day after day as i have become accustomed to. and i know it's like 6 weeks away but that isnt long at all the people i have finally allowed myself ot get attached to the only people i am actually able to talk to are going to be graduating. god look at me i'm crying again, i've done that alot today i havent cried in little over a month.. well untill today and actually a little bit on saterday.. in the morning i woke up and the tears just started to come out of my freaking eyes i have had the same dream for the past 4 nights now, reliving the year and a half of sexual harrassment in one night for the past 4 nights i had pushed it from my mind and for some reason it's comming back now...
do you know what a year and a half of mind games and sexual harrassment can do to a person... it completely broke me and with the help of my current friends i have just begun to put some of my issues aside i used to NEVER take off my sweat shirt and now i can take it off for a short while when i am around them but with other people i dont know around i get freaked and put it back on but some progress is better than none i suppose...so thanks you guys (basically bcw people lol a few others helped but honestly it was all you guys/girls) i'll make a post of what i went through in that year and a half so this post isnt HUGE idk does it really evn matter? most of the people who have this journal dont even read it... personally i think they just dont care... there was so much more i wanted to say but it isnt comming to me now i feel numb i've been crying since like 3 pm it's 9 ish now my eyes burn and are all puffy.oh yes i rememeber things now...
first thing i thought about today was about my dreaming about the past issues... it brought up alot of my self conscious issues dane spent hours trying to make me beleive i was hott and such it isnt that easy though u can tell me i am not ugly untill i am blue in the face but... because of my past all i can see is whats wrong with me i was VIEWING the tapes of wrestling with me on it and all i could think about was i wish i hadnt been on the tape i HATE the way i look my face is too long and my nose is too just wrong herson made a point of telling me that often.. alot of people have... i hate my voice as well camera's in general sucki'd rather not have a pic or video clip of me like ever why would anyone want to remember me especially these days the only thing i could think of when watching the video when i was in the red bellyshirt was how i looked fat... not neccesarly fat i guess but my stomach is giving me problems and thx to herson and other sucky guys i have a problem with my damn boobs herson chad corey nick nate and others made it damn clear that i have like no boobs whoopie fucking do... thank you very fucking much for pointing it out to everyone right infront of me and another thing my ass looked HUGE omfg dude i was like wa bam there it is no idk everyone tells me they love my ass but w/e if thats all i got going for me then ::shrugs:: go me :sigh:
that and my friends leaving is hard for me but what can you do they are going to bigger and better things they are taking controll of their lives and i am damn proud of them! ashley wants to be a piolt (sp?) i'm proud of her she's going to go do what she loves to do how crazy is that!!! tim is apparently gonna be a fireman... that worrys me slightly i dont want any of my friends getting hurt or putting their lives in danger but if it is what he wants to do than good luck to him ^_^ idk what alot of others are going to do but if they love it then they should do it i'm proud of them all for comming this far congrats you guys!!
OK THIS IS A POST I MADE IN AN OLD JOURNAL IT'S ABOUT WHAT I WENT THROUGH LISTING EVENTS OF WHEN I WAS SEXUALLY HARRASSED JUST SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND MORE WHAT I MEAN IN THE ABOVE POST but fyi it pisses alot of people off
ok this is how it all started... herson moved to town with his dad and brother ayanis (gomen idk how to spell his name ) well we all started to hangout and eventually me and herson started to like each other ...i know i liked him but idk if he really liked me anywhoo we acted like we were going out when we hung out cuddling and shit well in school he would barely say hello to me but outta school when his friends werent around to see he would be all over me... i eventually over heard him telling my sister saying he liked me alot but would never go out with me... because no one liked me ..(aka his asshole friends)
and it would ruin his rep as a player ... so i got pissed and we had a fight well i forgave him like the stupid fuck that i am and we got into a fight soon afeter about the inschool outta school thing and that when i gave up on him and things turned... idk how it the harrassment started but idk :sigh: ok i remember almost everyday on the bus he's sit next to or near me if i had shorts or a skirt on or hell no matter what i was wearing he's put his hand on my knee and start sliding it up and he's be like "adams you've got such nice legs i am gonna go home and spread them" i'd push his had off and tell him fuck no your not and yell and shit he's keep putting his hand back he did that ALOT...
one time i went out in the snow with my baby girl ( and no it's not mine she's like my little sister) anywhoo she went home and i had no more clothes i needed to do laundry herson came over he was friendsa with my sisiter too and i didnt trust him with my rats he almost got one of them killed well i was in a mini skort and i say near them ignoring him he layed near me and ran his hand up from my ankle to my knee and kept going so i pushed his hand opff and slapped him telling him not to fucking touch me ..he kept doing it
then he suggested we shut the lights off and try to "find eachother in the dark" i wasnt playin so i stayed on the bed near the rats and just sat there like ok ur cool now and i see him creeping up to me (i can see in the dark dont ask ) his hand was creeping twards meso i slammed my hand down on his my fingernails straightinto his skin she kinda yelped and backedup ayani held my legs down and herson held my body down pinning me on the bed..ayanis saw i didnt think it was fun and games and he let go herson didnt (ayanis is cool i love that kid he tried ot help me out w/ his brother ) herson wouldnt let me up so i fought like hell struggled and got free and pushed him off the bed soon after that he left and i was pissed...
(keep in mind thesew are events as the come to mind not all in order )... i'm getting all sick to my stomach just thinking about the jack ass anywhoo... umm he came to my house once and i hated him by this point mandy was baby sitting a few doors down and i got herson outta my house into the apartment halls and i started to walk to the apt mandy was baby sitting in now that herson was locked out of my house atleast he pushed me against the wall and pinned me to the wall he had my wrists and pressed them to the wall he was pressing his body against mine and wouldnt let me go even though i kept telling him to get the fuckk off of me... so i did what i do best when it comes to him and brought my knee up he was pressing against me so i couldnt do it too hard but it was enough to get me free
i started to run down the hall to mandys he tackled me we wrestled and it got blurry but somehow he got ontop of me i was face down he layed there on my stomach he had pinned me down my hands were under my chest and he was like " what are you gonna do now i have 180 pounds on you " the words still ring in my ears he souned so cocky and pleased with himself it was truely a game to him he even admitted it he thought is was FUNNYa mere game to him... so i pushed up and knocked him off i wrestled with him for a few and finally got free and ran into mandys apt she held the door open we locked him out and he was like "christina come out and wrestle again" he eventually left she was like "dude he was like trying to rape you geeze" that made me mad that he did that
umm what else he was in my house and i grabbed him by the neck and pressed him against the wall and told him to get out he grabbed my neck and squeezed hard and eventually with much pursuasion from me he left...
he would walk into my house totally un invited just to piss me off i'd go to the bowling alley and he's go he's follow me around and corner me against a wall he used to make fun of me to the point i started wearing a sweat shit constantly ... i still do i dont like being with out my sweatshirt i get uncomforatable and really really selfconciouse idk he'd say shit like i had a dream that i was feeling you up and when i woke up i was feeling ym wall ..i didnt like how i looked already but him constantly making fun of me...:sigh: idk it made me feel worse i am still not over that... i took shit like this for about a year and a half wow he's been gone for about 1/2 a year and still everything just sticks with me the mind games were so hard one minute he wanted me i was hott and this and that the next i was ugly and flat and he made a point of pointing out all of my defaults.
during the summer i had to stop going to the pool..i love water i love to swim and hang with some of my friends at the pool but i just couldne anymore..herson was alway there and ::takes a deep breath:: he's corner me in the pool and he would holler at me and corner me against the side of the pool in a way i couldnt get out he's grab my upper thigh too close for comfort and my hips he's jump into the pool onto me i rememeber i punched him in the stomach as he jumped at me he'd hug me and not let go or pull me under and not let me up for a while ...
once in the parking lot i was talking to york and and he came up to me from behind and hugged me tightly and wudnt let go my hands were in fists by my chest and i stomped on his foot near the ankle and then brought my elbows back hard into his stomach turned around and pushed him off then he hugged me front the front my hands in the same position i stomped on his foot again punched him int he stomach and pushed him off ...
on the bus i sat in ym normal seat corey sat next to me (my ex and hersons friend) herson sat behind me and their frend my ex friend nate sat infront of me and they all started in on me poking me and putting thier fingers in my face grabbing at me n shit not even my best friend tryed helping she just laughed
umm what else can i remember well therse more i am sure of it but i cant think of it now i cant remember what i put in here and what i didnt but thats basically the main parts he did shit like that every damn day oh in school he's walk up to me (after i hated him :stare: ) he's put an arm around my sholder and be like "adams how you doing beautiful" i'd elbow him and he'd let go i have kicked,punched,kneed,elbowed, w/e u can think of to that effect to his balls assuming he had any and he didnt get it umm after he moved i was on the phone with his youngest bro lenny he wanted to say hi while my sis was in the br so i talked to lenny herson found out i was on the phone and grabbed it ..
he's like "adams how you doin beautiful i miss you " i was like " fuck off asshole i dont miss you at all i'm fucking glad your ass is outta here i fucking hate you so fuck off " and tht was the end of that then online he imed me on lennys sn he's like u going to that dance on fri i was like yeah i always do he's like guess what so i said what ... this is herson !!!!! i was like fuck now he's gonna go to the dance and i am gonna be screwed he didnt show luckly but last time i went to a dance with him there it washorrible he wudnt get off me all night ok well i cant remember anymore for now but i ALMOST ALWAYS have my sweatshirt
on...
after all of the shit that happened i became suicidal i stopped eating sleeping talking to people i stayed inside and hardly ever came out i became deeply depressed and i HATED myself i hated everything about myself if you asked me back then there was not one thing i could coem up with that i liked about myself...hell to get any kind of amusement i'd blast music and start to dance so i do have to say thanks to him for that cuz if that never happened i would have never taught myself to dance i couldnt dance back then beleiveit or not well yes this post is ...a HUGE so i'll update soon enough ... sorry for laying it all out but i needed to get some shit down before it crosses my mind and i start crying yet again cuz i am weak and utterly pathetic