[EXO] It won't be long until I come home (1/3)
title: It won't be long until I come home
pairing: Xiumin-centric, Xiumin/Luhan
genre: hurt/comfort, friendship
summary: The average South Korean male will spend approximately one year, nine months, and twenty-nine days serving in the army, counting down the seconds until their release. They’re not the only ones.
a/n: originally posted on minseokful for xiaolianhua.
[60739200]
Minseok enlists quietly on March 22nd, 2019, four days before his 29th birthday. There is no fanfare, no bright theatrics and no adoring fans that mourn his departure; rather, what greets him goodbye is a crying Tao with Sehun by his side, comforting the tearful male with “It’s only for two years!”
It’s just how he preferred it.
His family - at least, mother and sister - stand by the side, more out of obligation then support. He’s been away for so long anyways; being an idol keeping him from visiting home often, so much that two years in the army was nothing more then what they have been experiencing these past years already. His father is nowhere to be seen.
(Minseok wonders if that has anything to do with what happened a few days prior.)
Next to him, Jongdae is busy hugging his own mother, his father patting him on the head and whispering encouragements, a completely different image then from Minseok’s side. What surprised him the most when he first told SM that he planned to enlist, was that Jongdae intended to join his side in the army, despite being three years younger and not facing societal pressures to complete his military obligations. When he asked, Jongdae merely smiled and answered, “Someone needs to keep you company.”
Maybe it’s the camaraderie they share, feeling the pressure of learning a new language and promoting in a foreign place. Maybe it comes from the bond they had developed with their fellow M members, being shuffled back and forth from China and Korea non-stop for close to seven years, or even just the relationship EXO had in general, something that had developed beyond just coworkers after being scrutinized under the spotlight so viciously throughout their years so far.
“Take care of my son, will you?” Jongdae’s mother takes Minseok’s hand into her own, tears brimming. Minseok nods, catching Jongdae’s eyes from where he’s hugging Minseok’s own mother. There’s a knowing glint in them.
Or maybe, the reason comes from something beyond their music careers, past the friendship built on a mutual understanding of their situations as kpop idols. Something that had started between the two about a week before Minseok told SM he was turning in his conscription duties, when after a night of drinks, Minseok told Jongdae his true intentions for enlisting, why he needed to go away for two years. Why two years away from the general public, two years away from his fellow members, two years away from Luhan, was necessary.
Because if he thought back to that night, maybe it was his subtle way of telling Jongdae he needed a support in the army, someone reliable to help him through the two long years. And the only person he could trust more then Jongdae happened to be why he was enlisting in the first place.
[58233600]
Three days before he leaves, EXO holds a giant party for the two of them. The practice room is packed with staff and idols alike, everyone sending their goodbyes through cheers and tears. Tao’s not the only one crying, as by the end of the night, even Chanyeol’s eyes are welling up, as he hugs Jongdae tightly around the waist while the other downs a third bottle of beer.
Two days before he enlists, he holds a quieter affair at home with his family. He respectfully bows to them, sits his parents down on the couch, and explains the whole situation. By the end, his father won’t even look him in the eye, and his mother all but pushes him out of the house in shock. Only his sister follows him, smiling serenely.
“You really thought it was a good idea to drop that bomb on them two days before we’re suppose to see you away?” she chuckles, as the two of them sit by the curb, waiting for Minseok’s taxi back to the dorm.
“It’s better then telling them when I come back, isn’t it?” he gets a scoff but also a nod of agreement. Blinking, his sister stares up at Minseok.
“You really love him, don’t you.” she asks quietly. He doesn't answer. “Is Luhan oppa coming to see you off?”
“No I… I thought it would be better if I didn’t see him before I go.” Minseok shifts in his seat, leaning against his sister.
“Why? To afraid if you saw his face, you’d start crying and not want to leave?” she joked, pushing him to the side. Minseok chuckled. “Well with his face, I wouldn’t be surprised.”
“Don’t tell me you like him.” His sister smirked.
“No way, Jongin ssi is more my style.” Minseok glared down at her. “Just kidding!” They both let out a slight laugh, before falling silent again.
“Oppa…” she started again, before pausing. The car pulled around the corner, but Minseok sat still, quietly waiting for his sister to continue.
“Oppa, I’ll always support you but… I hope you’re making the right decision.”
On the last day before the enlistment date, he sits alone in his room, thinking. His sister’s question continues to haunt him. Was he making the right choice? While he really had no say in the matter of enlisting, he still had a whole year left to go before reaching the limit to putting it off. That was a whole year he could stay in the comforts of EXO, continue to perform alongside his fellow members, and be one of the most popular and high-profiled idols in South Korea. One more year where he could ignore the small cloud of anxiety that was storming in his head, and tune out the small voice that continuously whispered to him about the responsibilities he had.
That was one more year he could continue to sneak loving glances with Luhan, give the other small pecks between schedules, secretly hold hands under tables at radio stations.
It was one more year where he could love Luhan without worrying about their future together.
A slight breeze shifts the curtain to his window, allowing a bit of moonlight to beam through. It landed on the picture frame that stood on his nightstand. Minseok stared at it.
They say men go to the army to grow more mature, to come back as a more civilized and responsible citizen of Korea. To most, it’s the rite of passage from being a schoolboy to manhood. But if Minseok was being truthful with himself, his reasoning is more childish then anything. He’s running away; trying to escape instead, hide away from his worries and problems.
“Hyung?” Tao suddenly appeared at the doorway, rubbing away at his sleep-crusted eyes. “Why are you still up? Don’t we have to see you away t-tomorrow?” Minseok smiled softly at the tremble in Tao’s voice, shifting down his bed to make room for the younger to sit by his side.
“Tao, do you think I’m making the right decision?” Tao blinked and looked at Minseok.
“I’m under the assumption that you have no choice?” They both let out a bitter laugh.
“No - I mean - is it right for me to leave right now? We have our new album planned, and Tony-ssi’s already started choreographing…”
Tao chuckled. “I think that means you really have no choice though, since you’re not on any of the songs and not in the dance for sure.” He leaned on Minseok’s shoulder, pouting in deep thought, continuing, “That depends, do you think you are?” Minseok looked over at his companion.
The younger had grown so much, and not entirely in a good way. His face was more haggard looking then before, the eye bags dropping even lower, and even now at the dark of the night, Tao’s smile was faint. Sometimes it pained Minseok, knowing how many hardships Tao went through over the years, yet how much of it he endured in order to continue with EXO.
His heart drops even lower. Having two members leave for the army must be hard on him, hard on all of them. He had been so wrapped up in his own personal needs that the weight of his actions on the rest of his members was only now beginning to sink in.
As if he could read Minseok’s mind, Tao replied, “Don’t worry about us, hyung. Worry about yourself first. Why are you pondering on your decision now, if you’re enlisting tomorrow though?” He paused, peering up at Minseok’s face. “It’s got something to do with Luhan hyung right?” Minseok froze.
“It has nothing to do with Luhan.” That was a lie, and Tao knew it. Him leaving for the army was entirely about Minseok and Luhan’s relationship.
Tao gave a knowing look, and Minseok cracked under the glance. “Okay it does but nothing happened, it’s just-“
“-You need some time away from him.” Minseok froze. “Hyung, your Chinese never was good enough to understand what the two of us discuss in the car sometimes.” Tao gave Minseok cheeky grin. He pushed himself off Minseok’s shoulder and scooted back on the bed, his head hitting the wall. Minseok did the same.
“Think of it this way though. If you’re worried that this separation isn’t a good idea, then why did you want it in the first place?” Tao said, taking Minseok’s hand into his own. “You don’t have to tell me the exact reason hyung, but remind yourself what it is. The reason you needed time away from Luhan, and why you’re going to the army for it.”
“Because whether it’s a good reason, or even if it’s bad, I trust that you - Kim Minseok - thought this whole ordeal carefully through, and that your reason is justifiable, even if it only makes sense in your own head.” He ended with a smile, causing Minseok to raise his own lips as well.
“Since when did you get so wise?” Minseok joked feebly, rubbing Tao’s head. The younger leaned back on to Minseok’s shoulder.
“I’ve learned from the best,” he answered simply. They sat there in silence. Minseok glanced back over at the picture frame on his bedside table, but this time, the feeling of anxiety was gone.
Maybe Tao was right. Maybe he wasn’t running away from his relationship responsibilities, or escaping the chaotic worries and troubles. Instead, he was facing them, facing the reality of him and Luhan’s future as a homosexual couple in South Korea, where it still wasn’t widely accepted.
The reason Tao was talking about, which was the same thing that he told Jongdae that night at the bar, it did make sense. There was solid rationale for why he and Luhan needed a break, and why he had to go the army - a place known for male maturity and growth - to do it.
It would be hard. Two years of brutal conditions and rough military life, on top of Minseok’s own personal objectives of reflection and meditation over him and Luhan. But - as he reached over and picked up the frame, a photo of him and Luhan with their arms thrown around each other, smiles wide not at the camera, but at each other -
the bright eyed, gentle faced boy definitely was worth it all.
[55814739]
Basic training goes by in a flash, as Minseok adapts to the new and unfamiliar routines of army life. After the new rookie soldiers have been assigned to their dorms for the four-week stay at Uijeongbu training camp, they learn basic military drills, and are told of the rules and regulations they have to follow. He can see his fellow roommates paling when taught the army mandated way of folding clothes, but Minseok doesn’t even bat an eye. Even at their all-boys dorm, Minseok had kept a clean living area with almost-OCD like tendencies. This was easy.
On the first day he gets praised for his skills, and by the end of their second week, everyone looks to him for help on the harder procedures. Jongdae grumbles that “of course you would be an all-rounder even in the army”, but Minseok attributes it to his love for a tidy and orderly life style.
Jongdae gets assigned to a room on the other side of their barracks, and is put in a different team then Minseok, but it’s still comforting to them both that they know someone else at their army camp. During a break the third week, he sneaks out to visit Jongdae and see how the younger is adapting.
Unsurprisingly, Jongdae’s already made friends with everyone in his room.
“It helps that I know a lot of girl groups,” he whispers to Minseok. “Gives us advantage points around here.” Minseok rolls his eyes, scanning Jongdae’s small closet area. All of their personal items got sent back home, so Minseok was surprised to see a photo from their debut tucked away in the back. It was taken right before their first showcase in Beijing, back when they were all so young and innocent of the industry.
“Remember back then, when we though we were invincible?” Minseok jumped as Jongdae speaks over his shoulder. Jongdae winks as he sits against the frame, staring up at the photo longingly. “The 12 of us, excited to be debuting together, bragging that we would become South Korea’s top idol group… everything we said about dominating both the Chinese market and Korean charts as one…” He chuckled disbelievingly. “Was it all naivety, or were we just plain dumb?” Minseok chose not to answer that.
“Two days ago was our anniversary, right?” Jongdae continued, furrowing his eyebrows. “What is it… our… 7th year?”
Minseok scoffed. “You don’t remember our own debut anniversary?” Jongdae shrugged, folding up his shirts and opening his drawers. “And why do you have this photo here? Do you want to get in trouble?”
“It’s the reason why I’m in the army. I wanted to remember that feeling, when we were so innocent and unaware of how hard our lives would become.“ Jongdae paused, looking down. “You know… back before the scandals, before the fandom breakouts, before being placed in the glaring spotlight for the world to see… Back when the thought of being an idol was more exhilarating then exhausting.”
He ended with a faint smile, before focusing back on his closet space. Minseok froze in shock, as the heavy words Jongdae blurted out struck him like a heavy brick.
“Jongdae…” It was so un-Jongdae like to say something like that, so much that Minseok wanted to touch his forehead for a fever.
Suddenly, the younger let out a snicker. “Nah, actually, I forgot to send it back home with my box.” The younger broke into a wide smile and stuck his tongue out at Minseok. “Kkabsong~”
Minseok smacked his head, earning a hiss from Jongdae. “Owwie sorry I just thought you were a bit serious looking! Lighten up a bit, don’t want to spend the entirety of your service in depression, do you?” he grinned up at Minseok, who swatted at the younger’s face. Laughing, Jongdae pushed himself to the edge of the sleeping platform and began unlacing his boots.
Despite the playful attitude, Minseok still peered over cautiously at Jongdae. Words like that never came out without some backing to them.
Looking over at where Jongdae was putting his shoes in the proper setting, the gaunt outline and weary look to his face suddenly was frighteningly evident all of a sudden. Minseok had never seen Jongdae look so tired before. While the snarky vigor the younger had during their debut times had noticeably dimmed over the years, Jongdae’s bright personality stayed the same, still as much a joyful mood maker as he had been since the beginning of time, always sporting a smile even during their hardest times. Both Jongdae and himself were known not to share their insecurities and troubles, and were particularly good at masking their emotions, so to visibly notice a change in Jongdae was alarming.
He wonders exactly how much had Jongdae been bottling up all these years.
“That stuff you said before…”
“Don’t worry too much about it.” Jongdae cut in conclusively, packing his socks away. He glanced over at Minseok.
“Our training period’s almost done, and soon we’ll starting active duty.” Jongdae rolled up his pants and tucked them into his drawer. He stood, stretching. “You ready?” Minseok knew what Jongdae really meant.
“Aren’t you a bit too late to be asking that?” he replied feebly. Jongdae paused, as if he wanted to say more, but instead kept quiet.
“Hey Jongdae ssi,” another soldier called out from the other side of the room. “Your friend might want to go back now, they’re going around for roll call.” Minseok nodded thanks to the soldier.
“Stay strong hyung,” Jongdae smiled softly, hugging Minseok goodbye. Pulling back, his eyes searched the elder’s, as if looking for confirmation that the older of them would be just fine.
Minseok grinned back. “Don’t worry too much about me Zhongda.” The sudden switch to Chinese brightened up Jongdae’s face.
He picked up the photo, placing it in Minseok’s hands. “Can you toss this in the trash on your way out? I don’t want to risk it when they do room checks later.” Minseok wanted to protest being made to do Jongdae’s dirty work, but hardly got a word in as the younger all but pushed him out the door.
Back at his own room, everyone was preparing for the role call. They had a practice exit ceremony today, for when the rookies would be departing to the different army bases they were assigned to next week. He and Jongdae had been assigned to the same draft, yet different units, so now… Minseok really was going to be alone.
He pulled out the crumbled picture, studying every aspect of it. Immediately his eyes caught onto Luhan’s face; where he stood in between Kyungsoo and Jongdae, smile from ear to ear. It’s only been five weeks, and Minseok already misses him so much.
The photo goes back in his pocket.
(Hey, you’re from SM right?” One of his fellow rookie soldiers whispers while they sit cross-legged in their room, waiting for the corporal to return. Minseok nods curtly.
Is Seulgi really as pretty as she is in the pictures?” The soldier asks excitedly, everyone else looking on with wide eyes. Minseok chokes.)
[48620800]
Life in the army was completely different from his idol career, the repetitive routines a surprisingly pleasant break from the frenzied schedules he was use too. It wasn’t like the harsh orders and barking criticisms from the senior soldiers had any effect on Minseok like it did to the others, as a good seven years facing Korean netizens made him pretty much immune. Rather, the day in and day out schedule of grueling practices was almost a warm welcome to Minseok, reminiscent of his trainee days, before becoming an idol and put on raw display for the whole world to see.
What he wasn’t prepared for however, were the long sleepless nights. As an idol, a busy schedule, along with the seemingly always-available supply of sleep enhancing drugs meant Minseok never had to spend a night awake, that is, when he had a night of rest to begin with. Yet here, where everything ran at a precise schedule - lights out at 12, rise and shine at 6, 7 on Sundays - the monotony that he had appreciated in the daytime became a nightmare after dark. It wasn’t the tiredness that awaited him, or the cold air, thin blanket and hard bed that would feel better if he were out cold. Rather, it was the aloneness, the quiet hum of the night that had the worst effect.
It’s been two months since he arrived on base, yet the solidarity was still as unnerving as the first night. He supposes the one downfall of being an idol is that they hardly had their own personal time, a combination of staff, managers, fellow members, and fans always around. Celebrities would often joke they wanted to go to the army just to get the much wanted privacy their idol lives couldn’t offer them, but now that Minseok was finally here, the freedom was more like isolation, and Minseok was suddenly yearning for his outside life again. He missed the rushed runs from schedule to schedule, the bipolar temperature conditions of the music halls; he even missed the overcrowding and loud screeches from their fans at every venue they went too (because Minseok could always count on a certain someone to guide him through it all).
It's almost too quiet, everyone sleeping soundly to his right and left. There was no Jongdae shifting every few seconds, or Tao mumbling in Chinese. Baekhyun wasn’t there to start singing in the middle of the night, or Kyungsoo and Jongin puttering around in the kitchen at 2AM for no reason whatsoever.
But worst of all, there was no familiar warmth pressed up either against his back or curled into his chest, no cute breaths to rhythmically hypnotize Minseok to doze off, no silky hair to run his hands through. There’s no soft lullaby singing him to sleep, or soft whispers to wake him up. He even misses how crowded his twin sized bed felt at night, as without a body sleeping next to his, the smaller cot he lies on now feels too empty to be on.
Luhan’s probably not awake in real life right now, yet even in slumber he still manages to keep Minseok’s mind occupied. That fact hurts him all over, from his head to his heart.
He’s been in the army for less then three months, and Minseok’s already going crazy.
The clock beeps a new hour. They have to be up in about two hours. Heaving a sigh, Minseok rolls over and shuts his eyes, willing himself to sleep with thoughts of Luhan’s angelic face while the other is in dreamland.
He drifts off soon after.
[35214489]
“So have you talked to anyone from EXO yet?” Minseok took another spoonful of soup, blinking up at Jongdae, who sat across from him. The two had not seen each other since arriving at Chuncheon, so when he heard that Jongdae had finally made his quota at shooting practices, as a reward, Minseok was treating him to a glorious meal at what most considered heaven on their base, the PX food center. The warm snacks were a friendly reminder of their days before joining the army, and the place was crowded especially on the frigid December day, making the atmosphere cozier.
The other ripped open the packet of dumplings, spilling them out into his soup bowl before stabbing at one. “Yeah, yesterday I called Joonmyun hyung after my mom. He’s doing fine, though apparently there’s a great backlash over me going to the army before him.” Minseok winced at Jongdae eating with his mouth full.
“That’s stupid though, he planned to enlist as soon as I came back.”
“Well, netizens have always been stupid so…” Jongdae shrugged, stuffing a sausage in his mouth.
“Anyone else?” Minseok knew Jongdae had an idea who Minseok was implying, but nodded his head no.
“I… I did call Baekhyun though.”
“Baekhyun?” Minseok’s eyes widened. That surprised him, since the two had been pretty distant since a fight in 2016, after their fourth studio album came out. It was one of the many blows EXO had faced, and while the two managed to continue their ‘beagle line’ antics for the fans, Baekhyun was the last person Minseok expected to Jongdae to waste precious phone minutes on.
“What can I say? I just woke up this morning and really missed him.” Jongdae paused, his chopsticks stopping midway to his mouth. “It’s like… I see myself in the uniform, and start to imagine scenarios. What if we get deployed tomorrow? What happens if something attacks to our base? What if I die, or get badly injured? And it’s just scary to think that… any of that could happen, and I could die never making up with Baek, and by that point our whole fight just seems so insignificant and petty.” Their conversation fell silent, as both continued eating, mulling over what Jongdae had said. While there were still at a state of ceasefire for now, just being on the base was enough to invoke certain emotions in any man.
How about you?” Jongdae peeked over at him knowingly.
“Just my sister,” Truthfully, Minseok did want to call Luhan. Before enlistment, it was hard for Minseok to imagine what all his friends meant when they said they had even missed hearing someone they loved breathing, but ever since he started his service, the feeling had become all too real. It wasn’t only Luhan. Minseok longed for the warm hugs from his sister, or the brotherly slaps from his members. He missed his mother’s kimchi jjigae, or the ramen noodle nights he had with his school friends whenever they could meet up.
(It was only at night of course, at his deepest and most vulnerable times, that Minseok missed Luhan more then anything else.)
“Joonmyun said Luhan’s doing fine. Everyone is actually. Thankfully leader is still as responsible as we left him, I got a detailed report on each member and what they're up too.” Jongdae chuckled, and Minseok followed suit. One thing everyone loved about Joonmyun was his meticulous love for EXO, no matter how cheesy it got. “All Baekhyun did was use up 10 minutes of my precious telephone time to complain about Chanyeol’s snoring, that bastard.” Minseok snorted. He grabbed one of Jongdae’s dumplings and stuffed it in his mouth.
“Hey, that was mine~” Jongdae whined, poking at Minseok’s cheeks, but still pushed his bowl towards Minseok for the elder to take another. “Wow though, being in the army really makes you appreciate the little things we took for granted. I never though there would come a time were I would even consider fighting someone for a dumpling.”
“Where have you been the whole seven years we promoted together? I’m pretty sure fighting over food is all EXO ever did.” Regardless, Minseok did understand Jongdae’s words. The little things he hardly paid attention to before, such as casual meet ups with family and friends or the leisure to joke around with his fellow members, they weren’t as easily acceptable now, and Minseok couldn’t help but yearn for them.
“The snows piling up a lot now,” Jongdae commented, looking out the window. “What I would give to be on my warm bed with a cup of hot cocoa right now…” he trailed off wistfully.
“Chances are we’d be performing outdoors at some concert instead.” Minseok adds on playfully. Jongdae smiled wearily.
“Probably be warmer then here at least.” The two sat in comfortable silence after that, the chatter of the others at the PX a welcomed accompaniment to their own quietness. It was like Jongdae said, how the army really made one thankful to all they took for granted before. From everyday routines and necessities, to interactions with friends and families, to just being able to live, Minseok began to really appreciate everything he had from before by ten folds.
“Well…” Jongdae stood, stretching his arms out. “Looks like it’s time to go shovel snow now. Thanks for the meal,” he gestured at the pile of trash on the table, grinning. “But the fact that you’re giving it to me ‘cause I ‘finally finished the long-shot rifle target quota two months after everyone else’ is insulting, therefore, you’re cleaning up.”
Minseok chuckled, picking up the plastic bowls. “Think of it as your Christmas gift instead then, if you’re so inclined.”
Jongdae sighed. “Ah… that’s right… Christmas is coming up…” He smiled wearily. Minseok’s own grin dropped. He peered at Jongdae questioningly.
“You forgot?”
“More like I don’t want to remember.” Jongdae grabbed the dirty napkins, throwing it in the trashcans. Minseok stilled. “It’s hardest around holidays you know, like… knowing you’re missing out on festivities and happiness at home while we’re here, shoveling snow.”
Minseok fell silent, watching as Jongdae grabbed a wipe from the front and began cleaning the table. The snow was falling even harder now, and Minseok knew tonight would be vicious to everyone shoveling. Tomorrow his team would be heading for their mountain training, which Minseok’s heard brutal rumors about. Every day meant more hard work, harsh orders and wearisome bodies.
“Jongdae, how do you still keep a smile on your face every day here?” Jongdae froze in his steps. “You know as well as I do how depressing life can become in here, so how come I still see you walking around smiling like it's the best day in the world? How come I see you being so kind and loving to others, even when you might be losing hope yourself? How are you not… going insane keeping up that image?”
Jongdae sighed, and then pursed his lips in deep thought.
“Hyung, remember showtime episode 2, where me, you, Yixing hyung and Luhan hyung went out to the Han River and ate all those good snacks?”
“All you remember is food, I froze my ass off getting there.” Minseok grumbled. “What about it?”
“Do you remember… afterwards?”
“When I was freezing my ass off the way back?”
“Nonono…” Jongdae sat back down, looking Minseok in the eye. “We were biking back, singing ‘Growl’. It was so dark, so Yixing hyung didn’t see the rock in front of him. One moment, he’s singing out ‘Eureurong! Eureurong!’ at the top of his lungs. Next thing, we hear a loud crash, and I can see the bike falling in front of me.”
“You and Luhan hyung were so scared, since his eyes weren’t open, he wasn’t getting up, and he didn’t say anything at all. We all stop, and I go to check on him. Then suddenly, he sits up straight, opens his eyes wide, and sings?” Minseok bursts out in giggles, the memory coming back to him.
“Neo ap e sigye anheumyeon dachyeodo molla~ (if you don’t watch in front, you might get hurt.)” he chokes out amidst his laughter. “I really thought he hurt his head by then, I had no idea he was trying to word play the next lyrics, it made no sense!”
“We spent the whole walk back explaining how come that sentence grammar didn’t make sense, except Luhan hyung didn’t get it either, so no one knew how to explain it properly to Yixing hyung. I’m pretty sure he still doesn’t understand, even to this day.” Jongdae smiled softly at the window, before turning back to Minseok.
“That’s how I keep a smile on my face.” Minseok looked at him confusedly. “I don’t pay attention to the days that pass by, or holidays I would be with my family on any other given day. Rather, I remember the small, happy moments in my life. My first solo. Our first daesang. Watching Tao’s drama. I don’t associate exact dates with them, but rather, remember the feeling I had. Elation, euphoria, and laughter at Tao’s crying scenes.”
“Focus on the happy things that happened in life. Take every moment of your life, and associate a good memory to it. The food we had here today? It led me to remember that moment in showtime, and how much fun it was just chatting together late at night. And well, I’ll keep repeating that memory over, trying to remember every detail and play the scene in my head.”
“And when you’re out of happy things, call home. Call friends. Call EXO. Hear their voices, and remember more.” Jongdae stood again, and Minseok followed. It always surprised him when one of the other members spoke so profoundly, but then he remembered that all of them were growing up. A spark of affection lit up in his heart, making his steps lighter. The gullible and immature teenagers Minseok had first debuted were no more, instead, it felt like he was watching them mature even more then Minseok ever did.
“Hyung… if you’re really feeling sad, I think you need to call Luhan hyung. Just hearing someone’s voice gave me a lot of strength.” Jongdae looked at him with concern. Minseok smiled.
“There’s no need.” Minseok bounded up ahead, heading for his team that was already waiting for him. The cold didn’t bother him anymore, instead, it reminded him of another winter night, when Luhan and Minseok had opted to stay inside rather then join the others for a snowball fight. The cozy blanket they shared… the hot cocoa in their hands…
Minseok could already feel his heart warming up.
[26870426]
Around his 11th month, Yixing comes for a visit. Minseok uses one of his furlough permits, and the two go out and sit on the terrace. It’s a nice day, admittedly still too cold to call spring, yet Minseok’s happy enough with just having company that he can hardly feel the chill in the air.
“How’s work for you?” is the first question he asks. It's been tough to keep up with Yixing’s career in China since he joined the army, but then again, he’s not sure what any of his members are doing.
“It's hard,” Yixing lets out a dry laugh, “Especially since there’s no SM handing all the opportunities to me.” But his smile is still genuine, Minseok notices, still as pure and real as when Minseok first met him so many years ago, the quiet Chinese boy practicing late into the night.
“Thanks for flying back to Korea to see me.” Unlike others, Yixing had parted SM on amicable terms, leaving after his contract was up, which meant Minseok was allowed to see the Chinese male, but his busy schedules along with Yixing promoting solely in China meant they hardly had time to meet up, making this visit even more valuable to them both.
“Of course I have to come back, you’re my da ge,” Yixing grinned. He pulled out a small container and handed it over. Inside were some Chinese snacks, which Minseok accepted gratefully. “Just wish Jongdae had some free time as well, it’d be nice to see the both of you in one sitting.”
“Yeah, well I don’t envy him, he signed up for the mountain training himself.” Minseok bit into a bun, chewing slowly. “Jongdae’s having a bit too much fun here for a guy forced to go to the army to be honest.”
“Jongdae can find fun anywhere, why do you think he was so good at our Chinese promotions?” Yixing smiled. “He pulled out another box. “I heard that senior soldiers in the army like to steal gifts from their rookies, so sneak this in to Jongdae for me?”
“Look at this favoritism for Jongdae, it seems like you’d rather see him then me.” Minseok joked, chuckling as Yixing’s eyes expanded in horror.
“Nonono, it’s not that! It’s more like… yi jian, shuang dao,” Yixing replied. Minseok blinked at the Chinese. “yi shi, er nao? Like… one stone, two birds?” Minseok must have still looked confused, because Yixing let out a scoff. “You know, I feel like in the seven years you’ve been promoting in China, you should have picked up a little more then just wo shi EXO de chengyuan Xiumin.”
Minseok pouted. “Jongdae was always better at Chinese, all I ever needed to know was ni hao, wo ai ni, and baozi. No one ever cared about us anyways.”
“With that attitude it should be obvious why I wanted to meet up with Jongdae too,” Yixing replied sternly, picking up one of candies in Minseok’s own box. “They love you in China, and they definitely adore you in Korea.” Yixing was always the humble optimist, and it made Minseok smile to see that he hadn’t changed.
“How’s everyone else?” He changed the subject. “I haven’t kept up with anyone lately, are all their solo schedules going well?” Yixing sighed a smile.
“Well… neither have I, but I know Tao’s filming a martial arts film, Joonmyun’s in a new musical… oh! Chanyeol’s the host of this new variety show, it’s absolutely hilarious. So basically, the cast goes to different parts of Korea and they have to learn about traditional Korean culture stuff, but like they don’t have any money and-“ Yixing paused and smirked, as Minseok continued nodding in dazed agreement. “But… you only care about what Luhan’s up too.”
Minseok let out an exaggerated gasp. “I care about everyone!” Yixing snorted.
“Luhan’s doing fine. I’m not sure if he’s filming a guest appearance on a TV series or a new film, all I know is he’s been complaining about all the girls hitting on him while on the film set…” Yixing snickered at Minseok’s new heightened interest. “Though I have heard SM’s been working their ass off to clear all those rumors about him with this Chengdu model… Hyung, if you squeeze that bao any harder the fillings going to spill out- oh, there we go.” Yixing pulled napkins out of his bag and handed it to Minseok.
“I was joking, Luhan’s crazy in love with you, he wouldn’t dare cheat.”
“It’s not that! It’s just… Luhan gets upset when he gets into those rumors, because he’s always afraid the girl is going to get so much hate from his fans, and doesn’t want her to get hurt-“
“So you weren’t jealous then?” The sudden question caught Minseok off guard.
“I-“ he faltered off.
Yixing sighed. “Hyung there’s something I actually came to ask you, about Luhan.” Minseok sat up in his seat.
“I saw him, about a month after you left. He was in tears, hardly doing anything outside of going to work then back to his apartment.” Minseok’s heart sank. “I still don’t know why, but all I know is that this separation is more then just the two of you being away, isn’t it?” The silence only confirmed Yixing’s observation, and the Chinese male sighed.
“Minseok hyung, why are you doing this to Luhan? I love you, but Luhan’s my best friend, so what hurts him hurts me too. Why do you think that cutting him off was a good idea, and since it’s obvious you miss him, why are you still continuing this?”
Minseok stayed quiet. He wanted to answer Yixing, but honestly, he himself questioned the same thing. How easy it would be to call Luhan, to simply hear the others’ voice. But something held Minseok back
“Do you love him hyung?” Yixing broke into his thoughts, face serious as he stared down the elder. “Are you really as emotionally involved in your relationship as Luhan is?”
“I-I am! It’s just… you know… we’re…”
“a homosexual couple in a homophobic country?” The biting words whipped at Minseok, leaving him stunned. The smile was completely gone from Yixing’s face, his eyes glaring instead. The other male was known for his gentle nature, but when it came to things he cared dearly about, Yixing definitely wouldn’t hold back.
Sighing, the Chinese continued, “In the five years I’ve seen you guys together, you always seem to shy away from Luhan while in public, as if you’re afraid of them finding out. It’s understandable; you’re scared of what would happen if the whole world knew. But… Luhan’s just as fearful as you are, yet he still continued to show his affection in public, because that's how he showed his love for you best. Every time you rejected the fanservice was like a stab to his heart, as if you were rejecting him as your lover.”
Minseok blinked. It was true that after the two started dating, Minseok had become super aware of the amount of skinship between the two, and he tried to limit it in fear of fans starting to suspect more then just fan service. Luhan had known that, and they both tried to restrict the amount of loving contact, yet those lingering touches or suggestive movements Luhan continued to show on stage had led to some heated arguments.
And now, you left him alone for two years, with no promise of any contact between the two of you… Hyung… have you ever loved Luhan?” It comes out a bit demanding, and Minseok shrinks back. Regardless, he answers back as confidently as he could.
“Yes.” Yixing still wore a look of disbelief. “Of course I do! I always have!”
“Really? Because sometimes, it seems you only did it out of pity, since Luhan confessed first. It's been what… four years? How come then-”
“Four years, six months, and six days.” Minseok fires back. Yixing pauses mid-rant.
“For four years, six months, and six days, I have loved Luhan. Yes, you’re right, I’m fucking terrified about what would happen if we got exposed to the public. Hell, I’m even scared every time just one new person knows. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love him Yixing.”
“Me being in the army… it’s not me running away from Luhan, or leaving him. I miss Luhan so much, and I want to be with him… but… we’ve been together for almost five years already, not counting the time prior to us starting to date. All together, I’ve known Luhan for ten years, have been pretty much inseparable from him for eight years, been dating him for four… sometimes… too much of one thing can make you take it for granted.”
“I don’t want to say I love Luhan just because of how long we’ve been close and how much we know about each other. Because what if I’m confusing relationship love with familiarity love? What if he just tells me he loves me because I’m the only thing he’s known? I… I think we both needed some time away to make sure we’re saying our ‘I love you’s’ because we mean it.”
Yixing appeared in a thoughtful stance, giving Minseok a contemplative look. “4 years, 6 months and 6 days exact?” Minseok nodded. “Guess I didn’t have to worry about anything after all. Congratulations.” Blinking, the Korean male eyed his companion in bewilderment.
“Wait… so what was this, like… a test? Did I pass?” he asked weakly. Yixing let out a slight laugh.
“Hyung, you could never fail in my books.” Yixing let out a sigh before wearily smiling back at Minseok. “Honestly… when I saw Luhan so broken back then, so lost and depressed… there was nothing more that I wanted to do but fly to Korea and punch you straight in the face. It felt like you were only playing with his feelings, and I was just so angry at that thought.”
“But then I realized… this is you we’re talking about, Kim Minseok, one of the most responsible and pragmatic people I know… and I knew that you would never be able to do something like that. I still don’t completely understand your reasoning, nor do I agree with you cutting off contact with Luhan, but… I’m glad you both are involved in making your relationship work, in giving time to reflect on your relationship seriously.”
“So you’re not… mad?”
Yixing shifted, placing his chin in his hand. “More like… I care a lot for the two of you, and want to make sure the both of you emerge from this all victorious in whatever internal conflicts you are facing.” Minseok nodded. “And even though I wasn’t sure about that before… after listening you out, I’m more then positive that everything will work out, just the way that you want it to happen. And well, even I can’t wait to see it all become fruitful in the end.”
They fell into a silence after that, as Minseok mused over Yixing’s words. Yixing was more optimistic then Minseok was about the whole situation, yet hearing the encouraging words from the Chinese male was comforting, sparked a sliver of hope inside of him. Knowing that Luhan was trying as hard as Minseok was to cope with their separation and meditate on their relationship gave that motivation Minseok needed to work on overcoming his own personal demons and making a choice regarding their future together.
He picked out another candy from the box, slowly unwrapping it. Yixing did the same.
“By the way, you can put me down with a plus one when you guys are planning, I have a long term girlfriend that I’ve been wanting to bring around to meet the rest of EXO.” Minseok choked out the candy he was eating, eyes rounding at Yixing’s absurd words.
“W-What?” he sputtered. Yixing snickered.
“You should know Jongdae couldn’t keep his mouth closed around his favorite Xing Xing ge. He spilled everything after the farewell party.” Yixing stood up, packing his bags. His face seemed to be glowing, playful delight radiating from every pore. Facing back up, Minseok saw a wet glimmer in Yixing’s eyes, but that was gone in a flash, replaced with a fond look and genuine smile. The Chinese leaned in for a hug, holding on tighter and longer then needed, but Minseok treasured the gesture. They both pulled back, actual tears in their eyes this time.
“Hyung… I’m still worried, but I trust you know what you’re doing. Just… don’t make this harder on yourself, okay?” He clasped down on Minseok’s shoulder comfortingly, and Minseok could see the genuine pleading in the younger’s eyes. He nodded.
Smile wide, Yixing added; “In that case, I expect to see that invite soon!"
Minseok only hoped there would be a reason to send it to him.
NEXT -->
pairing: Xiumin-centric, Xiumin/Luhan
genre: hurt/comfort, friendship
summary: The average South Korean male will spend approximately one year, nine months, and twenty-nine days serving in the army, counting down the seconds until their release. They’re not the only ones.
a/n: originally posted on minseokful for xiaolianhua.
[60739200]
Minseok enlists quietly on March 22nd, 2019, four days before his 29th birthday. There is no fanfare, no bright theatrics and no adoring fans that mourn his departure; rather, what greets him goodbye is a crying Tao with Sehun by his side, comforting the tearful male with “It’s only for two years!”
It’s just how he preferred it.
His family - at least, mother and sister - stand by the side, more out of obligation then support. He’s been away for so long anyways; being an idol keeping him from visiting home often, so much that two years in the army was nothing more then what they have been experiencing these past years already. His father is nowhere to be seen.
(Minseok wonders if that has anything to do with what happened a few days prior.)
Next to him, Jongdae is busy hugging his own mother, his father patting him on the head and whispering encouragements, a completely different image then from Minseok’s side. What surprised him the most when he first told SM that he planned to enlist, was that Jongdae intended to join his side in the army, despite being three years younger and not facing societal pressures to complete his military obligations. When he asked, Jongdae merely smiled and answered, “Someone needs to keep you company.”
Maybe it’s the camaraderie they share, feeling the pressure of learning a new language and promoting in a foreign place. Maybe it comes from the bond they had developed with their fellow M members, being shuffled back and forth from China and Korea non-stop for close to seven years, or even just the relationship EXO had in general, something that had developed beyond just coworkers after being scrutinized under the spotlight so viciously throughout their years so far.
“Take care of my son, will you?” Jongdae’s mother takes Minseok’s hand into her own, tears brimming. Minseok nods, catching Jongdae’s eyes from where he’s hugging Minseok’s own mother. There’s a knowing glint in them.
Or maybe, the reason comes from something beyond their music careers, past the friendship built on a mutual understanding of their situations as kpop idols. Something that had started between the two about a week before Minseok told SM he was turning in his conscription duties, when after a night of drinks, Minseok told Jongdae his true intentions for enlisting, why he needed to go away for two years. Why two years away from the general public, two years away from his fellow members, two years away from Luhan, was necessary.
Because if he thought back to that night, maybe it was his subtle way of telling Jongdae he needed a support in the army, someone reliable to help him through the two long years. And the only person he could trust more then Jongdae happened to be why he was enlisting in the first place.
[58233600]
Three days before he leaves, EXO holds a giant party for the two of them. The practice room is packed with staff and idols alike, everyone sending their goodbyes through cheers and tears. Tao’s not the only one crying, as by the end of the night, even Chanyeol’s eyes are welling up, as he hugs Jongdae tightly around the waist while the other downs a third bottle of beer.
Two days before he enlists, he holds a quieter affair at home with his family. He respectfully bows to them, sits his parents down on the couch, and explains the whole situation. By the end, his father won’t even look him in the eye, and his mother all but pushes him out of the house in shock. Only his sister follows him, smiling serenely.
“You really thought it was a good idea to drop that bomb on them two days before we’re suppose to see you away?” she chuckles, as the two of them sit by the curb, waiting for Minseok’s taxi back to the dorm.
“It’s better then telling them when I come back, isn’t it?” he gets a scoff but also a nod of agreement. Blinking, his sister stares up at Minseok.
“You really love him, don’t you.” she asks quietly. He doesn't answer. “Is Luhan oppa coming to see you off?”
“No I… I thought it would be better if I didn’t see him before I go.” Minseok shifts in his seat, leaning against his sister.
“Why? To afraid if you saw his face, you’d start crying and not want to leave?” she joked, pushing him to the side. Minseok chuckled. “Well with his face, I wouldn’t be surprised.”
“Don’t tell me you like him.” His sister smirked.
“No way, Jongin ssi is more my style.” Minseok glared down at her. “Just kidding!” They both let out a slight laugh, before falling silent again.
“Oppa…” she started again, before pausing. The car pulled around the corner, but Minseok sat still, quietly waiting for his sister to continue.
“Oppa, I’ll always support you but… I hope you’re making the right decision.”
On the last day before the enlistment date, he sits alone in his room, thinking. His sister’s question continues to haunt him. Was he making the right choice? While he really had no say in the matter of enlisting, he still had a whole year left to go before reaching the limit to putting it off. That was a whole year he could stay in the comforts of EXO, continue to perform alongside his fellow members, and be one of the most popular and high-profiled idols in South Korea. One more year where he could ignore the small cloud of anxiety that was storming in his head, and tune out the small voice that continuously whispered to him about the responsibilities he had.
That was one more year he could continue to sneak loving glances with Luhan, give the other small pecks between schedules, secretly hold hands under tables at radio stations.
It was one more year where he could love Luhan without worrying about their future together.
A slight breeze shifts the curtain to his window, allowing a bit of moonlight to beam through. It landed on the picture frame that stood on his nightstand. Minseok stared at it.
They say men go to the army to grow more mature, to come back as a more civilized and responsible citizen of Korea. To most, it’s the rite of passage from being a schoolboy to manhood. But if Minseok was being truthful with himself, his reasoning is more childish then anything. He’s running away; trying to escape instead, hide away from his worries and problems.
“Hyung?” Tao suddenly appeared at the doorway, rubbing away at his sleep-crusted eyes. “Why are you still up? Don’t we have to see you away t-tomorrow?” Minseok smiled softly at the tremble in Tao’s voice, shifting down his bed to make room for the younger to sit by his side.
“Tao, do you think I’m making the right decision?” Tao blinked and looked at Minseok.
“I’m under the assumption that you have no choice?” They both let out a bitter laugh.
“No - I mean - is it right for me to leave right now? We have our new album planned, and Tony-ssi’s already started choreographing…”
Tao chuckled. “I think that means you really have no choice though, since you’re not on any of the songs and not in the dance for sure.” He leaned on Minseok’s shoulder, pouting in deep thought, continuing, “That depends, do you think you are?” Minseok looked over at his companion.
The younger had grown so much, and not entirely in a good way. His face was more haggard looking then before, the eye bags dropping even lower, and even now at the dark of the night, Tao’s smile was faint. Sometimes it pained Minseok, knowing how many hardships Tao went through over the years, yet how much of it he endured in order to continue with EXO.
His heart drops even lower. Having two members leave for the army must be hard on him, hard on all of them. He had been so wrapped up in his own personal needs that the weight of his actions on the rest of his members was only now beginning to sink in.
As if he could read Minseok’s mind, Tao replied, “Don’t worry about us, hyung. Worry about yourself first. Why are you pondering on your decision now, if you’re enlisting tomorrow though?” He paused, peering up at Minseok’s face. “It’s got something to do with Luhan hyung right?” Minseok froze.
“It has nothing to do with Luhan.” That was a lie, and Tao knew it. Him leaving for the army was entirely about Minseok and Luhan’s relationship.
Tao gave a knowing look, and Minseok cracked under the glance. “Okay it does but nothing happened, it’s just-“
“-You need some time away from him.” Minseok froze. “Hyung, your Chinese never was good enough to understand what the two of us discuss in the car sometimes.” Tao gave Minseok cheeky grin. He pushed himself off Minseok’s shoulder and scooted back on the bed, his head hitting the wall. Minseok did the same.
“Think of it this way though. If you’re worried that this separation isn’t a good idea, then why did you want it in the first place?” Tao said, taking Minseok’s hand into his own. “You don’t have to tell me the exact reason hyung, but remind yourself what it is. The reason you needed time away from Luhan, and why you’re going to the army for it.”
“Because whether it’s a good reason, or even if it’s bad, I trust that you - Kim Minseok - thought this whole ordeal carefully through, and that your reason is justifiable, even if it only makes sense in your own head.” He ended with a smile, causing Minseok to raise his own lips as well.
“Since when did you get so wise?” Minseok joked feebly, rubbing Tao’s head. The younger leaned back on to Minseok’s shoulder.
“I’ve learned from the best,” he answered simply. They sat there in silence. Minseok glanced back over at the picture frame on his bedside table, but this time, the feeling of anxiety was gone.
Maybe Tao was right. Maybe he wasn’t running away from his relationship responsibilities, or escaping the chaotic worries and troubles. Instead, he was facing them, facing the reality of him and Luhan’s future as a homosexual couple in South Korea, where it still wasn’t widely accepted.
The reason Tao was talking about, which was the same thing that he told Jongdae that night at the bar, it did make sense. There was solid rationale for why he and Luhan needed a break, and why he had to go the army - a place known for male maturity and growth - to do it.
It would be hard. Two years of brutal conditions and rough military life, on top of Minseok’s own personal objectives of reflection and meditation over him and Luhan. But - as he reached over and picked up the frame, a photo of him and Luhan with their arms thrown around each other, smiles wide not at the camera, but at each other -
the bright eyed, gentle faced boy definitely was worth it all.
[55814739]
Basic training goes by in a flash, as Minseok adapts to the new and unfamiliar routines of army life. After the new rookie soldiers have been assigned to their dorms for the four-week stay at Uijeongbu training camp, they learn basic military drills, and are told of the rules and regulations they have to follow. He can see his fellow roommates paling when taught the army mandated way of folding clothes, but Minseok doesn’t even bat an eye. Even at their all-boys dorm, Minseok had kept a clean living area with almost-OCD like tendencies. This was easy.
On the first day he gets praised for his skills, and by the end of their second week, everyone looks to him for help on the harder procedures. Jongdae grumbles that “of course you would be an all-rounder even in the army”, but Minseok attributes it to his love for a tidy and orderly life style.
Jongdae gets assigned to a room on the other side of their barracks, and is put in a different team then Minseok, but it’s still comforting to them both that they know someone else at their army camp. During a break the third week, he sneaks out to visit Jongdae and see how the younger is adapting.
Unsurprisingly, Jongdae’s already made friends with everyone in his room.
“It helps that I know a lot of girl groups,” he whispers to Minseok. “Gives us advantage points around here.” Minseok rolls his eyes, scanning Jongdae’s small closet area. All of their personal items got sent back home, so Minseok was surprised to see a photo from their debut tucked away in the back. It was taken right before their first showcase in Beijing, back when they were all so young and innocent of the industry.
“Remember back then, when we though we were invincible?” Minseok jumped as Jongdae speaks over his shoulder. Jongdae winks as he sits against the frame, staring up at the photo longingly. “The 12 of us, excited to be debuting together, bragging that we would become South Korea’s top idol group… everything we said about dominating both the Chinese market and Korean charts as one…” He chuckled disbelievingly. “Was it all naivety, or were we just plain dumb?” Minseok chose not to answer that.
“Two days ago was our anniversary, right?” Jongdae continued, furrowing his eyebrows. “What is it… our… 7th year?”
Minseok scoffed. “You don’t remember our own debut anniversary?” Jongdae shrugged, folding up his shirts and opening his drawers. “And why do you have this photo here? Do you want to get in trouble?”
“It’s the reason why I’m in the army. I wanted to remember that feeling, when we were so innocent and unaware of how hard our lives would become.“ Jongdae paused, looking down. “You know… back before the scandals, before the fandom breakouts, before being placed in the glaring spotlight for the world to see… Back when the thought of being an idol was more exhilarating then exhausting.”
He ended with a faint smile, before focusing back on his closet space. Minseok froze in shock, as the heavy words Jongdae blurted out struck him like a heavy brick.
“Jongdae…” It was so un-Jongdae like to say something like that, so much that Minseok wanted to touch his forehead for a fever.
Suddenly, the younger let out a snicker. “Nah, actually, I forgot to send it back home with my box.” The younger broke into a wide smile and stuck his tongue out at Minseok. “Kkabsong~”
Minseok smacked his head, earning a hiss from Jongdae. “Owwie sorry I just thought you were a bit serious looking! Lighten up a bit, don’t want to spend the entirety of your service in depression, do you?” he grinned up at Minseok, who swatted at the younger’s face. Laughing, Jongdae pushed himself to the edge of the sleeping platform and began unlacing his boots.
Despite the playful attitude, Minseok still peered over cautiously at Jongdae. Words like that never came out without some backing to them.
Looking over at where Jongdae was putting his shoes in the proper setting, the gaunt outline and weary look to his face suddenly was frighteningly evident all of a sudden. Minseok had never seen Jongdae look so tired before. While the snarky vigor the younger had during their debut times had noticeably dimmed over the years, Jongdae’s bright personality stayed the same, still as much a joyful mood maker as he had been since the beginning of time, always sporting a smile even during their hardest times. Both Jongdae and himself were known not to share their insecurities and troubles, and were particularly good at masking their emotions, so to visibly notice a change in Jongdae was alarming.
He wonders exactly how much had Jongdae been bottling up all these years.
“That stuff you said before…”
“Don’t worry too much about it.” Jongdae cut in conclusively, packing his socks away. He glanced over at Minseok.
“Our training period’s almost done, and soon we’ll starting active duty.” Jongdae rolled up his pants and tucked them into his drawer. He stood, stretching. “You ready?” Minseok knew what Jongdae really meant.
“Aren’t you a bit too late to be asking that?” he replied feebly. Jongdae paused, as if he wanted to say more, but instead kept quiet.
“Hey Jongdae ssi,” another soldier called out from the other side of the room. “Your friend might want to go back now, they’re going around for roll call.” Minseok nodded thanks to the soldier.
“Stay strong hyung,” Jongdae smiled softly, hugging Minseok goodbye. Pulling back, his eyes searched the elder’s, as if looking for confirmation that the older of them would be just fine.
Minseok grinned back. “Don’t worry too much about me Zhongda.” The sudden switch to Chinese brightened up Jongdae’s face.
He picked up the photo, placing it in Minseok’s hands. “Can you toss this in the trash on your way out? I don’t want to risk it when they do room checks later.” Minseok wanted to protest being made to do Jongdae’s dirty work, but hardly got a word in as the younger all but pushed him out the door.
Back at his own room, everyone was preparing for the role call. They had a practice exit ceremony today, for when the rookies would be departing to the different army bases they were assigned to next week. He and Jongdae had been assigned to the same draft, yet different units, so now… Minseok really was going to be alone.
He pulled out the crumbled picture, studying every aspect of it. Immediately his eyes caught onto Luhan’s face; where he stood in between Kyungsoo and Jongdae, smile from ear to ear. It’s only been five weeks, and Minseok already misses him so much.
The photo goes back in his pocket.
(Hey, you’re from SM right?” One of his fellow rookie soldiers whispers while they sit cross-legged in their room, waiting for the corporal to return. Minseok nods curtly.
Is Seulgi really as pretty as she is in the pictures?” The soldier asks excitedly, everyone else looking on with wide eyes. Minseok chokes.)
[48620800]
Life in the army was completely different from his idol career, the repetitive routines a surprisingly pleasant break from the frenzied schedules he was use too. It wasn’t like the harsh orders and barking criticisms from the senior soldiers had any effect on Minseok like it did to the others, as a good seven years facing Korean netizens made him pretty much immune. Rather, the day in and day out schedule of grueling practices was almost a warm welcome to Minseok, reminiscent of his trainee days, before becoming an idol and put on raw display for the whole world to see.
What he wasn’t prepared for however, were the long sleepless nights. As an idol, a busy schedule, along with the seemingly always-available supply of sleep enhancing drugs meant Minseok never had to spend a night awake, that is, when he had a night of rest to begin with. Yet here, where everything ran at a precise schedule - lights out at 12, rise and shine at 6, 7 on Sundays - the monotony that he had appreciated in the daytime became a nightmare after dark. It wasn’t the tiredness that awaited him, or the cold air, thin blanket and hard bed that would feel better if he were out cold. Rather, it was the aloneness, the quiet hum of the night that had the worst effect.
It’s been two months since he arrived on base, yet the solidarity was still as unnerving as the first night. He supposes the one downfall of being an idol is that they hardly had their own personal time, a combination of staff, managers, fellow members, and fans always around. Celebrities would often joke they wanted to go to the army just to get the much wanted privacy their idol lives couldn’t offer them, but now that Minseok was finally here, the freedom was more like isolation, and Minseok was suddenly yearning for his outside life again. He missed the rushed runs from schedule to schedule, the bipolar temperature conditions of the music halls; he even missed the overcrowding and loud screeches from their fans at every venue they went too (because Minseok could always count on a certain someone to guide him through it all).
It's almost too quiet, everyone sleeping soundly to his right and left. There was no Jongdae shifting every few seconds, or Tao mumbling in Chinese. Baekhyun wasn’t there to start singing in the middle of the night, or Kyungsoo and Jongin puttering around in the kitchen at 2AM for no reason whatsoever.
But worst of all, there was no familiar warmth pressed up either against his back or curled into his chest, no cute breaths to rhythmically hypnotize Minseok to doze off, no silky hair to run his hands through. There’s no soft lullaby singing him to sleep, or soft whispers to wake him up. He even misses how crowded his twin sized bed felt at night, as without a body sleeping next to his, the smaller cot he lies on now feels too empty to be on.
Luhan’s probably not awake in real life right now, yet even in slumber he still manages to keep Minseok’s mind occupied. That fact hurts him all over, from his head to his heart.
He’s been in the army for less then three months, and Minseok’s already going crazy.
The clock beeps a new hour. They have to be up in about two hours. Heaving a sigh, Minseok rolls over and shuts his eyes, willing himself to sleep with thoughts of Luhan’s angelic face while the other is in dreamland.
He drifts off soon after.
[35214489]
“So have you talked to anyone from EXO yet?” Minseok took another spoonful of soup, blinking up at Jongdae, who sat across from him. The two had not seen each other since arriving at Chuncheon, so when he heard that Jongdae had finally made his quota at shooting practices, as a reward, Minseok was treating him to a glorious meal at what most considered heaven on their base, the PX food center. The warm snacks were a friendly reminder of their days before joining the army, and the place was crowded especially on the frigid December day, making the atmosphere cozier.
The other ripped open the packet of dumplings, spilling them out into his soup bowl before stabbing at one. “Yeah, yesterday I called Joonmyun hyung after my mom. He’s doing fine, though apparently there’s a great backlash over me going to the army before him.” Minseok winced at Jongdae eating with his mouth full.
“That’s stupid though, he planned to enlist as soon as I came back.”
“Well, netizens have always been stupid so…” Jongdae shrugged, stuffing a sausage in his mouth.
“Anyone else?” Minseok knew Jongdae had an idea who Minseok was implying, but nodded his head no.
“I… I did call Baekhyun though.”
“Baekhyun?” Minseok’s eyes widened. That surprised him, since the two had been pretty distant since a fight in 2016, after their fourth studio album came out. It was one of the many blows EXO had faced, and while the two managed to continue their ‘beagle line’ antics for the fans, Baekhyun was the last person Minseok expected to Jongdae to waste precious phone minutes on.
“What can I say? I just woke up this morning and really missed him.” Jongdae paused, his chopsticks stopping midway to his mouth. “It’s like… I see myself in the uniform, and start to imagine scenarios. What if we get deployed tomorrow? What happens if something attacks to our base? What if I die, or get badly injured? And it’s just scary to think that… any of that could happen, and I could die never making up with Baek, and by that point our whole fight just seems so insignificant and petty.” Their conversation fell silent, as both continued eating, mulling over what Jongdae had said. While there were still at a state of ceasefire for now, just being on the base was enough to invoke certain emotions in any man.
How about you?” Jongdae peeked over at him knowingly.
“Just my sister,” Truthfully, Minseok did want to call Luhan. Before enlistment, it was hard for Minseok to imagine what all his friends meant when they said they had even missed hearing someone they loved breathing, but ever since he started his service, the feeling had become all too real. It wasn’t only Luhan. Minseok longed for the warm hugs from his sister, or the brotherly slaps from his members. He missed his mother’s kimchi jjigae, or the ramen noodle nights he had with his school friends whenever they could meet up.
(It was only at night of course, at his deepest and most vulnerable times, that Minseok missed Luhan more then anything else.)
“Joonmyun said Luhan’s doing fine. Everyone is actually. Thankfully leader is still as responsible as we left him, I got a detailed report on each member and what they're up too.” Jongdae chuckled, and Minseok followed suit. One thing everyone loved about Joonmyun was his meticulous love for EXO, no matter how cheesy it got. “All Baekhyun did was use up 10 minutes of my precious telephone time to complain about Chanyeol’s snoring, that bastard.” Minseok snorted. He grabbed one of Jongdae’s dumplings and stuffed it in his mouth.
“Hey, that was mine~” Jongdae whined, poking at Minseok’s cheeks, but still pushed his bowl towards Minseok for the elder to take another. “Wow though, being in the army really makes you appreciate the little things we took for granted. I never though there would come a time were I would even consider fighting someone for a dumpling.”
“Where have you been the whole seven years we promoted together? I’m pretty sure fighting over food is all EXO ever did.” Regardless, Minseok did understand Jongdae’s words. The little things he hardly paid attention to before, such as casual meet ups with family and friends or the leisure to joke around with his fellow members, they weren’t as easily acceptable now, and Minseok couldn’t help but yearn for them.
“The snows piling up a lot now,” Jongdae commented, looking out the window. “What I would give to be on my warm bed with a cup of hot cocoa right now…” he trailed off wistfully.
“Chances are we’d be performing outdoors at some concert instead.” Minseok adds on playfully. Jongdae smiled wearily.
“Probably be warmer then here at least.” The two sat in comfortable silence after that, the chatter of the others at the PX a welcomed accompaniment to their own quietness. It was like Jongdae said, how the army really made one thankful to all they took for granted before. From everyday routines and necessities, to interactions with friends and families, to just being able to live, Minseok began to really appreciate everything he had from before by ten folds.
“Well…” Jongdae stood, stretching his arms out. “Looks like it’s time to go shovel snow now. Thanks for the meal,” he gestured at the pile of trash on the table, grinning. “But the fact that you’re giving it to me ‘cause I ‘finally finished the long-shot rifle target quota two months after everyone else’ is insulting, therefore, you’re cleaning up.”
Minseok chuckled, picking up the plastic bowls. “Think of it as your Christmas gift instead then, if you’re so inclined.”
Jongdae sighed. “Ah… that’s right… Christmas is coming up…” He smiled wearily. Minseok’s own grin dropped. He peered at Jongdae questioningly.
“You forgot?”
“More like I don’t want to remember.” Jongdae grabbed the dirty napkins, throwing it in the trashcans. Minseok stilled. “It’s hardest around holidays you know, like… knowing you’re missing out on festivities and happiness at home while we’re here, shoveling snow.”
Minseok fell silent, watching as Jongdae grabbed a wipe from the front and began cleaning the table. The snow was falling even harder now, and Minseok knew tonight would be vicious to everyone shoveling. Tomorrow his team would be heading for their mountain training, which Minseok’s heard brutal rumors about. Every day meant more hard work, harsh orders and wearisome bodies.
“Jongdae, how do you still keep a smile on your face every day here?” Jongdae froze in his steps. “You know as well as I do how depressing life can become in here, so how come I still see you walking around smiling like it's the best day in the world? How come I see you being so kind and loving to others, even when you might be losing hope yourself? How are you not… going insane keeping up that image?”
Jongdae sighed, and then pursed his lips in deep thought.
“Hyung, remember showtime episode 2, where me, you, Yixing hyung and Luhan hyung went out to the Han River and ate all those good snacks?”
“All you remember is food, I froze my ass off getting there.” Minseok grumbled. “What about it?”
“Do you remember… afterwards?”
“When I was freezing my ass off the way back?”
“Nonono…” Jongdae sat back down, looking Minseok in the eye. “We were biking back, singing ‘Growl’. It was so dark, so Yixing hyung didn’t see the rock in front of him. One moment, he’s singing out ‘Eureurong! Eureurong!’ at the top of his lungs. Next thing, we hear a loud crash, and I can see the bike falling in front of me.”
“You and Luhan hyung were so scared, since his eyes weren’t open, he wasn’t getting up, and he didn’t say anything at all. We all stop, and I go to check on him. Then suddenly, he sits up straight, opens his eyes wide, and sings?” Minseok bursts out in giggles, the memory coming back to him.
“Neo ap e sigye anheumyeon dachyeodo molla~ (if you don’t watch in front, you might get hurt.)” he chokes out amidst his laughter. “I really thought he hurt his head by then, I had no idea he was trying to word play the next lyrics, it made no sense!”
“We spent the whole walk back explaining how come that sentence grammar didn’t make sense, except Luhan hyung didn’t get it either, so no one knew how to explain it properly to Yixing hyung. I’m pretty sure he still doesn’t understand, even to this day.” Jongdae smiled softly at the window, before turning back to Minseok.
“That’s how I keep a smile on my face.” Minseok looked at him confusedly. “I don’t pay attention to the days that pass by, or holidays I would be with my family on any other given day. Rather, I remember the small, happy moments in my life. My first solo. Our first daesang. Watching Tao’s drama. I don’t associate exact dates with them, but rather, remember the feeling I had. Elation, euphoria, and laughter at Tao’s crying scenes.”
“Focus on the happy things that happened in life. Take every moment of your life, and associate a good memory to it. The food we had here today? It led me to remember that moment in showtime, and how much fun it was just chatting together late at night. And well, I’ll keep repeating that memory over, trying to remember every detail and play the scene in my head.”
“And when you’re out of happy things, call home. Call friends. Call EXO. Hear their voices, and remember more.” Jongdae stood again, and Minseok followed. It always surprised him when one of the other members spoke so profoundly, but then he remembered that all of them were growing up. A spark of affection lit up in his heart, making his steps lighter. The gullible and immature teenagers Minseok had first debuted were no more, instead, it felt like he was watching them mature even more then Minseok ever did.
“Hyung… if you’re really feeling sad, I think you need to call Luhan hyung. Just hearing someone’s voice gave me a lot of strength.” Jongdae looked at him with concern. Minseok smiled.
“There’s no need.” Minseok bounded up ahead, heading for his team that was already waiting for him. The cold didn’t bother him anymore, instead, it reminded him of another winter night, when Luhan and Minseok had opted to stay inside rather then join the others for a snowball fight. The cozy blanket they shared… the hot cocoa in their hands…
Minseok could already feel his heart warming up.
[26870426]
Around his 11th month, Yixing comes for a visit. Minseok uses one of his furlough permits, and the two go out and sit on the terrace. It’s a nice day, admittedly still too cold to call spring, yet Minseok’s happy enough with just having company that he can hardly feel the chill in the air.
“How’s work for you?” is the first question he asks. It's been tough to keep up with Yixing’s career in China since he joined the army, but then again, he’s not sure what any of his members are doing.
“It's hard,” Yixing lets out a dry laugh, “Especially since there’s no SM handing all the opportunities to me.” But his smile is still genuine, Minseok notices, still as pure and real as when Minseok first met him so many years ago, the quiet Chinese boy practicing late into the night.
“Thanks for flying back to Korea to see me.” Unlike others, Yixing had parted SM on amicable terms, leaving after his contract was up, which meant Minseok was allowed to see the Chinese male, but his busy schedules along with Yixing promoting solely in China meant they hardly had time to meet up, making this visit even more valuable to them both.
“Of course I have to come back, you’re my da ge,” Yixing grinned. He pulled out a small container and handed it over. Inside were some Chinese snacks, which Minseok accepted gratefully. “Just wish Jongdae had some free time as well, it’d be nice to see the both of you in one sitting.”
“Yeah, well I don’t envy him, he signed up for the mountain training himself.” Minseok bit into a bun, chewing slowly. “Jongdae’s having a bit too much fun here for a guy forced to go to the army to be honest.”
“Jongdae can find fun anywhere, why do you think he was so good at our Chinese promotions?” Yixing smiled. “He pulled out another box. “I heard that senior soldiers in the army like to steal gifts from their rookies, so sneak this in to Jongdae for me?”
“Look at this favoritism for Jongdae, it seems like you’d rather see him then me.” Minseok joked, chuckling as Yixing’s eyes expanded in horror.
“Nonono, it’s not that! It’s more like… yi jian, shuang dao,” Yixing replied. Minseok blinked at the Chinese. “yi shi, er nao? Like… one stone, two birds?” Minseok must have still looked confused, because Yixing let out a scoff. “You know, I feel like in the seven years you’ve been promoting in China, you should have picked up a little more then just wo shi EXO de chengyuan Xiumin.”
Minseok pouted. “Jongdae was always better at Chinese, all I ever needed to know was ni hao, wo ai ni, and baozi. No one ever cared about us anyways.”
“With that attitude it should be obvious why I wanted to meet up with Jongdae too,” Yixing replied sternly, picking up one of candies in Minseok’s own box. “They love you in China, and they definitely adore you in Korea.” Yixing was always the humble optimist, and it made Minseok smile to see that he hadn’t changed.
“How’s everyone else?” He changed the subject. “I haven’t kept up with anyone lately, are all their solo schedules going well?” Yixing sighed a smile.
“Well… neither have I, but I know Tao’s filming a martial arts film, Joonmyun’s in a new musical… oh! Chanyeol’s the host of this new variety show, it’s absolutely hilarious. So basically, the cast goes to different parts of Korea and they have to learn about traditional Korean culture stuff, but like they don’t have any money and-“ Yixing paused and smirked, as Minseok continued nodding in dazed agreement. “But… you only care about what Luhan’s up too.”
Minseok let out an exaggerated gasp. “I care about everyone!” Yixing snorted.
“Luhan’s doing fine. I’m not sure if he’s filming a guest appearance on a TV series or a new film, all I know is he’s been complaining about all the girls hitting on him while on the film set…” Yixing snickered at Minseok’s new heightened interest. “Though I have heard SM’s been working their ass off to clear all those rumors about him with this Chengdu model… Hyung, if you squeeze that bao any harder the fillings going to spill out- oh, there we go.” Yixing pulled napkins out of his bag and handed it to Minseok.
“I was joking, Luhan’s crazy in love with you, he wouldn’t dare cheat.”
“It’s not that! It’s just… Luhan gets upset when he gets into those rumors, because he’s always afraid the girl is going to get so much hate from his fans, and doesn’t want her to get hurt-“
“So you weren’t jealous then?” The sudden question caught Minseok off guard.
“I-“ he faltered off.
Yixing sighed. “Hyung there’s something I actually came to ask you, about Luhan.” Minseok sat up in his seat.
“I saw him, about a month after you left. He was in tears, hardly doing anything outside of going to work then back to his apartment.” Minseok’s heart sank. “I still don’t know why, but all I know is that this separation is more then just the two of you being away, isn’t it?” The silence only confirmed Yixing’s observation, and the Chinese male sighed.
“Minseok hyung, why are you doing this to Luhan? I love you, but Luhan’s my best friend, so what hurts him hurts me too. Why do you think that cutting him off was a good idea, and since it’s obvious you miss him, why are you still continuing this?”
Minseok stayed quiet. He wanted to answer Yixing, but honestly, he himself questioned the same thing. How easy it would be to call Luhan, to simply hear the others’ voice. But something held Minseok back
“Do you love him hyung?” Yixing broke into his thoughts, face serious as he stared down the elder. “Are you really as emotionally involved in your relationship as Luhan is?”
“I-I am! It’s just… you know… we’re…”
“a homosexual couple in a homophobic country?” The biting words whipped at Minseok, leaving him stunned. The smile was completely gone from Yixing’s face, his eyes glaring instead. The other male was known for his gentle nature, but when it came to things he cared dearly about, Yixing definitely wouldn’t hold back.
Sighing, the Chinese continued, “In the five years I’ve seen you guys together, you always seem to shy away from Luhan while in public, as if you’re afraid of them finding out. It’s understandable; you’re scared of what would happen if the whole world knew. But… Luhan’s just as fearful as you are, yet he still continued to show his affection in public, because that's how he showed his love for you best. Every time you rejected the fanservice was like a stab to his heart, as if you were rejecting him as your lover.”
Minseok blinked. It was true that after the two started dating, Minseok had become super aware of the amount of skinship between the two, and he tried to limit it in fear of fans starting to suspect more then just fan service. Luhan had known that, and they both tried to restrict the amount of loving contact, yet those lingering touches or suggestive movements Luhan continued to show on stage had led to some heated arguments.
And now, you left him alone for two years, with no promise of any contact between the two of you… Hyung… have you ever loved Luhan?” It comes out a bit demanding, and Minseok shrinks back. Regardless, he answers back as confidently as he could.
“Yes.” Yixing still wore a look of disbelief. “Of course I do! I always have!”
“Really? Because sometimes, it seems you only did it out of pity, since Luhan confessed first. It's been what… four years? How come then-”
“Four years, six months, and six days.” Minseok fires back. Yixing pauses mid-rant.
“For four years, six months, and six days, I have loved Luhan. Yes, you’re right, I’m fucking terrified about what would happen if we got exposed to the public. Hell, I’m even scared every time just one new person knows. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love him Yixing.”
“Me being in the army… it’s not me running away from Luhan, or leaving him. I miss Luhan so much, and I want to be with him… but… we’ve been together for almost five years already, not counting the time prior to us starting to date. All together, I’ve known Luhan for ten years, have been pretty much inseparable from him for eight years, been dating him for four… sometimes… too much of one thing can make you take it for granted.”
“I don’t want to say I love Luhan just because of how long we’ve been close and how much we know about each other. Because what if I’m confusing relationship love with familiarity love? What if he just tells me he loves me because I’m the only thing he’s known? I… I think we both needed some time away to make sure we’re saying our ‘I love you’s’ because we mean it.”
Yixing appeared in a thoughtful stance, giving Minseok a contemplative look. “4 years, 6 months and 6 days exact?” Minseok nodded. “Guess I didn’t have to worry about anything after all. Congratulations.” Blinking, the Korean male eyed his companion in bewilderment.
“Wait… so what was this, like… a test? Did I pass?” he asked weakly. Yixing let out a slight laugh.
“Hyung, you could never fail in my books.” Yixing let out a sigh before wearily smiling back at Minseok. “Honestly… when I saw Luhan so broken back then, so lost and depressed… there was nothing more that I wanted to do but fly to Korea and punch you straight in the face. It felt like you were only playing with his feelings, and I was just so angry at that thought.”
“But then I realized… this is you we’re talking about, Kim Minseok, one of the most responsible and pragmatic people I know… and I knew that you would never be able to do something like that. I still don’t completely understand your reasoning, nor do I agree with you cutting off contact with Luhan, but… I’m glad you both are involved in making your relationship work, in giving time to reflect on your relationship seriously.”
“So you’re not… mad?”
Yixing shifted, placing his chin in his hand. “More like… I care a lot for the two of you, and want to make sure the both of you emerge from this all victorious in whatever internal conflicts you are facing.” Minseok nodded. “And even though I wasn’t sure about that before… after listening you out, I’m more then positive that everything will work out, just the way that you want it to happen. And well, even I can’t wait to see it all become fruitful in the end.”
They fell into a silence after that, as Minseok mused over Yixing’s words. Yixing was more optimistic then Minseok was about the whole situation, yet hearing the encouraging words from the Chinese male was comforting, sparked a sliver of hope inside of him. Knowing that Luhan was trying as hard as Minseok was to cope with their separation and meditate on their relationship gave that motivation Minseok needed to work on overcoming his own personal demons and making a choice regarding their future together.
He picked out another candy from the box, slowly unwrapping it. Yixing did the same.
“By the way, you can put me down with a plus one when you guys are planning, I have a long term girlfriend that I’ve been wanting to bring around to meet the rest of EXO.” Minseok choked out the candy he was eating, eyes rounding at Yixing’s absurd words.
“W-What?” he sputtered. Yixing snickered.
“You should know Jongdae couldn’t keep his mouth closed around his favorite Xing Xing ge. He spilled everything after the farewell party.” Yixing stood up, packing his bags. His face seemed to be glowing, playful delight radiating from every pore. Facing back up, Minseok saw a wet glimmer in Yixing’s eyes, but that was gone in a flash, replaced with a fond look and genuine smile. The Chinese leaned in for a hug, holding on tighter and longer then needed, but Minseok treasured the gesture. They both pulled back, actual tears in their eyes this time.
“Hyung… I’m still worried, but I trust you know what you’re doing. Just… don’t make this harder on yourself, okay?” He clasped down on Minseok’s shoulder comfortingly, and Minseok could see the genuine pleading in the younger’s eyes. He nodded.
Smile wide, Yixing added; “In that case, I expect to see that invite soon!"
Minseok only hoped there would be a reason to send it to him.
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