1 fic; Challenge #92
Title: Sirius, King of the Cockney
Rating/Warnings: g
Characters/Pairing: Sirius, Remus, Tonks
Summary: Something has happened to Sirius. he's only speaking in cockney rhyming slang, and its very fristrating for everyone else.
Word Count: 928
Author's Notes: slang used:
Apples and Pears - 'stairs'
Adam and Eve - 'believe'
Pony and Trap - 'crap'
Butcher's Hook - 'look'
Trouble and Strife - 'wife'
Yogi Bear - 'hair'
Peter Pan - 'old man (father)'
Registered purchases?: both, but used points this month.
With a tumble and a loud clatter, Tonks announced her arrival at Grimauld Place. Quickly pulling herself up and shoving that blasted umbrella stand back in place before stunning her great aunt’s portrait, she finally proceeded down the stairs to the kitchen, where a rather strange scene was taking place.
Remus Lupin (her stomach gave an uncomfortable, excited squirm) was sitting at one end of the table, daily prophet almost covering his whole face. He had angled his chair so it was facing directly away from Sirius, who was sitting at the other end of the table in a high backed chair that she had never seen before. His feet were crossed up on the table, and he was using a straw to spit balls of paper in Remus’ direction.
“Err… Wotcher?”
Sirius responded by making her his new target, but he fell short and the spitball landed at her feet.
“Well, pony and trap. I missed.” His voice was heavy with a terrible imitation of a cockney accent.
She turned to Remus. “What the bloody-”
“Merlin knows.” He muttered. “He’s been like this all morning. It could be that the fire whiskey bottle he found in Krecher’s cupboard wasn’t really fire whiskey at all, but I doubt we’ll ever find out…”
Sirius spat another wad their way, but Remus blocked it with his news paper.
“And you’re still down here because?...”
“Because if I leave him alone he’ll start spit balling dinner. And no one wants that.”
“Aw, come on peter pan! Why don’t you fight back? Your trouble and strife aint doing much either!”
Remus put his paper down, his jaw taunt.
“I’m the same age as you, Sirius, and Nymphadora is NOT my wife. Got it?”
“You know what he’s saying?” Tonks asked. She was completely baffled.
“Sure. It’s not hard when Sirius has plastered your bedroom walls with pages of cockney rhyming dictionaries.”
Remus sounded bitter.
Tonks raised an eyebrow questioningly. Remus was usually the only one who could or would put up with Sirius’s idiotic antics.
“He used muggle glue,” Remus explained. “Only he did a piss poor job of it, and they fall off on me during the night, not to mention there is glue all over pretty much everything I own now.”
“He’s a wanker. Don’t worry, we’ll get him back. You stay here and distract him, I’ve got a plan.”
“Oi, where are you off to?” Sirius called out as she turned to leave.
“I shall proceed to the apples and pears, if that’s alright with you, Mr. Royal Arsehole.”
“I can’t Adam and eve it! You too, huh?”
“No Sirius, not me too. I just know how to read books other than picture books.” Sighing, she opened the door.
“Well I expect a different shade of yogi bear when you get back down here! Violet makes you look peaky.”
“I’m not even going to ask,” she muttered, self-consciously running a hand through her purple hair and slamming the door shut behind her, and marching up the stairs.
Possibly the only good thing about Grimauld Place, in her opinion, was the attic. It was full of every sort of thing imaginable, most of them not very nice. But still, she’d been riffling through the other day when they’d started cleaning it out, and had found something that would make the perfect revenge.
Remus was still trying to ignore Sirius back in the kitchen.
“Moony, why are you ignoring me? Are you angry because I called Tonks your wife?” Sirius sniggered.
“Can you just drop the stupid accent and the stupid rhymes, Sirius? Please?”
“No. Is that why you’re angry?”
“Hardly.” Remus replied dryly.
“So you want her to be your wife then?”
Remus put his paper down, looking outraged, and was rewarded with a spitball to the forehead.
“Why on earth would you suggest something like that?” he asked, wiping the spitball away.
Sirius shrugged, smirking. “I’ve seen you giving her the butchers hook when she came in.”
“I did not.” Remus replied stubbornly.
“You did, and you do every time she comes in a room. You like her.”
Remus shook his head, shaking his paper and bringing it back up to hide his face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Sirius shrugged. “Fine then. Whatever you say. I have a terrible headache now, so I’m going to bed.”
“Good.”
Sirius left, and it wasn’t until Remus heard a strangled yell that he felt any desire to follow him.
Sirius was standing in his doorway, mouth almost touching the ground it was open so wide. Remus peaked in.
“Oh dear.” He said lightly.
Tonks had done a fine job.
Every single inch of the room- the furniture, the bedding, the walls, the curtains, the books, the clothes, all of it- were wrapped in a lurid shade of pink wallpaper, complete with fluffy kittens and flower designs.
“OH DEAR? THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? ALL I OWN IS PINK KITTY WALLPPER NOW!”
Remus shrugged, folding his paper. “That’s a shame, Padfoot. You are of course, free to use my bed until you’ve got all this down. I should warn you though, it’s rather sticky. Some idiot poured glue all over my sheets.”
Sirius looked miserable. “I hate you both.” He said sourly.
“You love us.” Tonks popped out from around the corner. “And your room looks beautiful now I’ve covered all those girls in bikinis.” She winked. “Sleep tight!” pulling Remus away and down the stairs, they left Sirius alone, who looked like he might be about to cry.
POINTS:
928/30= 31 points for Gryffindor!
Gini//Gryffindor
Rating/Warnings: g
Characters/Pairing: Sirius, Remus, Tonks
Summary: Something has happened to Sirius. he's only speaking in cockney rhyming slang, and its very fristrating for everyone else.
Word Count: 928
Author's Notes: slang used:
Apples and Pears - 'stairs'
Adam and Eve - 'believe'
Pony and Trap - 'crap'
Butcher's Hook - 'look'
Trouble and Strife - 'wife'
Yogi Bear - 'hair'
Peter Pan - 'old man (father)'
Registered purchases?: both, but used points this month.
With a tumble and a loud clatter, Tonks announced her arrival at Grimauld Place. Quickly pulling herself up and shoving that blasted umbrella stand back in place before stunning her great aunt’s portrait, she finally proceeded down the stairs to the kitchen, where a rather strange scene was taking place.
Remus Lupin (her stomach gave an uncomfortable, excited squirm) was sitting at one end of the table, daily prophet almost covering his whole face. He had angled his chair so it was facing directly away from Sirius, who was sitting at the other end of the table in a high backed chair that she had never seen before. His feet were crossed up on the table, and he was using a straw to spit balls of paper in Remus’ direction.
“Err… Wotcher?”
Sirius responded by making her his new target, but he fell short and the spitball landed at her feet.
“Well, pony and trap. I missed.” His voice was heavy with a terrible imitation of a cockney accent.
She turned to Remus. “What the bloody-”
“Merlin knows.” He muttered. “He’s been like this all morning. It could be that the fire whiskey bottle he found in Krecher’s cupboard wasn’t really fire whiskey at all, but I doubt we’ll ever find out…”
Sirius spat another wad their way, but Remus blocked it with his news paper.
“And you’re still down here because?...”
“Because if I leave him alone he’ll start spit balling dinner. And no one wants that.”
“Aw, come on peter pan! Why don’t you fight back? Your trouble and strife aint doing much either!”
Remus put his paper down, his jaw taunt.
“I’m the same age as you, Sirius, and Nymphadora is NOT my wife. Got it?”
“You know what he’s saying?” Tonks asked. She was completely baffled.
“Sure. It’s not hard when Sirius has plastered your bedroom walls with pages of cockney rhyming dictionaries.”
Remus sounded bitter.
Tonks raised an eyebrow questioningly. Remus was usually the only one who could or would put up with Sirius’s idiotic antics.
“He used muggle glue,” Remus explained. “Only he did a piss poor job of it, and they fall off on me during the night, not to mention there is glue all over pretty much everything I own now.”
“He’s a wanker. Don’t worry, we’ll get him back. You stay here and distract him, I’ve got a plan.”
“Oi, where are you off to?” Sirius called out as she turned to leave.
“I shall proceed to the apples and pears, if that’s alright with you, Mr. Royal Arsehole.”
“I can’t Adam and eve it! You too, huh?”
“No Sirius, not me too. I just know how to read books other than picture books.” Sighing, she opened the door.
“Well I expect a different shade of yogi bear when you get back down here! Violet makes you look peaky.”
“I’m not even going to ask,” she muttered, self-consciously running a hand through her purple hair and slamming the door shut behind her, and marching up the stairs.
Possibly the only good thing about Grimauld Place, in her opinion, was the attic. It was full of every sort of thing imaginable, most of them not very nice. But still, she’d been riffling through the other day when they’d started cleaning it out, and had found something that would make the perfect revenge.
Remus was still trying to ignore Sirius back in the kitchen.
“Moony, why are you ignoring me? Are you angry because I called Tonks your wife?” Sirius sniggered.
“Can you just drop the stupid accent and the stupid rhymes, Sirius? Please?”
“No. Is that why you’re angry?”
“Hardly.” Remus replied dryly.
“So you want her to be your wife then?”
Remus put his paper down, looking outraged, and was rewarded with a spitball to the forehead.
“Why on earth would you suggest something like that?” he asked, wiping the spitball away.
Sirius shrugged, smirking. “I’ve seen you giving her the butchers hook when she came in.”
“I did not.” Remus replied stubbornly.
“You did, and you do every time she comes in a room. You like her.”
Remus shook his head, shaking his paper and bringing it back up to hide his face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Sirius shrugged. “Fine then. Whatever you say. I have a terrible headache now, so I’m going to bed.”
“Good.”
Sirius left, and it wasn’t until Remus heard a strangled yell that he felt any desire to follow him.
Sirius was standing in his doorway, mouth almost touching the ground it was open so wide. Remus peaked in.
“Oh dear.” He said lightly.
Tonks had done a fine job.
Every single inch of the room- the furniture, the bedding, the walls, the curtains, the books, the clothes, all of it- were wrapped in a lurid shade of pink wallpaper, complete with fluffy kittens and flower designs.
“OH DEAR? THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? ALL I OWN IS PINK KITTY WALLPPER NOW!”
Remus shrugged, folding his paper. “That’s a shame, Padfoot. You are of course, free to use my bed until you’ve got all this down. I should warn you though, it’s rather sticky. Some idiot poured glue all over my sheets.”
Sirius looked miserable. “I hate you both.” He said sourly.
“You love us.” Tonks popped out from around the corner. “And your room looks beautiful now I’ve covered all those girls in bikinis.” She winked. “Sleep tight!” pulling Remus away and down the stairs, they left Sirius alone, who looked like he might be about to cry.
POINTS:
928/30= 31 points for Gryffindor!
Gini//Gryffindor