Challenge 029: CANDY!
Title: SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE CHOCOLATE MYSTERY
Rating/Warnings: PG-13
Characters/Pairing: Severus Snape, Winky
Summary: Snape gets some chocolate from a mysterious someone.
Word Count: 1120
Author's Notes: Please don't judge me.
ONE DAY SEVERUS SNAPE AWOKE TO FIND A BOX OF CHOCOLATES ON HIS DESK.
"NOW WHO COULD THIS BE FROM," HE PONDERED PONDERINGLY. "WHOU WOULD GIVE ME SUCH A MARVELOUS GIFT?"
SEVERUS THOUGHT OF HIS FELLOW TEACHERS. IT COULD BE MINERVA. SHE WAS WHO WAS A GOOD SPORT, BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO GIVE HIM ANYTHING TASTY. THERE WAS POMONA, TOO--BUT SHE SEEMED MORE THE TYPE TO EAT ANY CHOCOLATES SHE HAD HER HANDS ON. THERE WAS ALBUS, BUT HE WAS TOO BUSY PARTYING LATELY TO GET ANYTHING FOR SNAPE. AND IF THEY WERE FROM DOLORES, THEY WOULD PROBABLY HAVE ARSENIC FILLING INSTEAD OF CARAMEL.
MAYBE IT WAS FROM A STUDENT? SEVERUS PICTURED THEIR YOUNG FACES, SMILING AND LAUGHING, ENJOYING THEMSELVES. HE THREW UP A LITTLE IN HIS MOUTH. THERE WAS NOTHING SEVERUS HATED MORE THAN HIS STUDENTS. NOTHING EXCEPT SUNSHINE.
THERE WAS NOBODY HE COULD THINK OF WHO HAD GOTTEN IT.
SO SNAPE WENT TO HIS DIARY. HE OPENED ITS STAINED COVER, PEELED APART SEVERAL PAGES, AND WAS ABOUT TO PICK UP HIS QUILL WHEN HE NOTICED THE MOST RECENT ENTRY. THE PAGES WERE STUCK TOGETHER, LIKE A GRUMPY POTIONS PROFESSOR TO LIFE. AND HIS SPELLING... HIS SPELLING WAS ATROCIOUS.
AND THAT'S WHEN SEVERUS REMEMBERED:
--
THE NIGHT BEFORE HAD BEEN LONG AND SLOW, SO SEVERUS DECIDED TO GO FOR A WALK TO THE KITCHENS BECAUSE HE LIKED TO EAT SOMETIMES. (HE DIDN'T HAVE TO; HE JUST FELT LIKE IT WHEN HE WAS SAD. YOU KNOW?)
ON THE WAY TO THE KITCHEN, HE HAD CAUGHT POTTER AND WEASLEY WRITING SWEARS ON THE STONE WALLS WITH WHAT LOOKED LIKE FECES. NO WAIT, THEY WERE JUST STANDING THERE TALKING. HE LOOKED AT THEM. HE LOOKED AT THE CURVE OF WEASLEY'S SMILE. IT INFURIATED HIM. BUT HE COULD NOT DOCK POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR, NO MATTER *HOW* STUPID THEIR HAIR LOOKED, SO HE HAD TO KEEP ON WALKING. HE COULD FEEL THEIR HATRED ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK AS HE LEFT--BURNING, BURNING, BURNING HIS FLESH, AND EATING, GNAWING AWAY AT HIS BRAIN LIKE A BEAKER OF ACID OR A JUSTIN BIEBER SONG.
SO SEVERUS CONTINUED TO THE KITCHENS. AND THERE HE FOUND THE HOUSE ELVES, SINGING SOME SONGS TO SOME CHILDREN ABOUT WHY YOU SHOULDN'T EAT TOO MUCH. OR MAYBE THAT WAS A MOVIE; HE FREQUENTLY GOT THE TWO MIXED UP.
ANYWAY, SEV WENT TO THE KITCHENS. AND HE SAID TO THE HOUSE ELVES, HE SAID, "PLEASE, ELVES, AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE I CANNOT STAND THE POTTER BOY'S HAPPINESS. NO, I CANNOT STAND HIS VERY EXISTENCE! GET ME BOOZE NOW BITCHES!!!!"
AND SO THE HOUSE ELVES WERE FORCED TO DO WHAT HE SAID, BECAUSE AS EVERYONE KNOWS, THEY HAD TO OBEY SEVERUS' EVERY COMMAND, OR THEY WOULD BE SENT BACK TO WILLY WONKA AND FORCED TO PAINT THEIR FACES RED AND WEAR TOTALLY RIDICULOUS OUTFITS JUST BECAUSE THEY WENT WITH THE DECOR. THEY WOULD MUCH, MUCH PREFER TO WEAR A PILLOW CASE.
ANYWAY, SO WINKY CAME BACK WITH THE BOOZE, AND SHE AND SNAPE SET ABOUT DRINKING THEIR WAY TO CHINA. AND BY THAT I MEAN THEY WERE SOON SO DRUNK THEY THOUGHT THAT THEY WERE LITERALLY ABLE TO DRINK THEIR WAY TO CHINA. RIDICULOUS, RIGHT?
"MAN, SEVERUS," SAID WINKY, "IT SURE DOES SUCK TO HAVE TO LOOK AT PEOPLE'S FACES SOMETIMES, RIGHT?"
"I KNOW MAN," SAID SEV, TAKING A SWIG FROM HIS FLASK AND COUGHING SLIGHTLY. "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. I MEAN, I HATE THAT GUY'S FACE. IT'S JUST SO STUPID, YOU KNOW?"
"I KNOW DUDE," SAID WINKY. "HEY, DO YOU EVER THINK THAT UNDER DUMBLEDORE'S BEARD THERE'S LIKE... THERE'S LIKE ANOTHER DUMBLEDORE?"
"NO MAN, I'D NEVER CONSIDERED THAT," SAID SNAPE.
"YEAH, YEAHYEAH," SAID WINKY. "I READ THAT THEORY ON THE INTERNET A WHILE AGO." (HOUSE ELVES NOT ONLY HAVE SPECIAL MAGIC THAT ALLOWS THEM TO APPARATE WITHIN HOGWARTS; THEIR SPECIAL MAGIC ALSO ALLOWS THEM TO GET WIFI WITHIN HOGWARTS. PRETTY SWEET, RIGHT?) "THERE ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE WITH PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE. OR SOMETHING. I DUNNO. I JUST REMEMBER GOING TO THIS FORUM. IT WAS EITHER A BEARD THEORY FORUM OR A YORKIE LOVER FORUM. I CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER WHICH. BUT THOSE DOGS JUST LOOK SOOOO SILLY."
SEVERUS SIGHED.
"EVERYONE LOVES THOSE DOGS," SAID WINKY. "DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU, SEVERUS?"
"NO," SAID SEVERUS. "I AM UNLOVED, AS THE CAT IN THE WAFFLE TREE, FORGOTTEN AND HATED AS THE SUN AT NIGHT."
"THAT'S A REALLY CRAP METAPHOR," SAID WINKY. "I MEAN BOTH OF THEM."
"SHUT UP," SAID SEVERUS. "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M EXPRESSING MYSELF????????"
"NOOOOO," SAID WINKY, "YOU'RE BEING STUPID."
ANYWAY, SEVERUS AND WINKY KEPT DRINKING. THEY TALKED ABOUT THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE, LIKE WHY HARRY POTTER WAS SO ANNOYING AND HOW MANY FRECKLES RON WEASLEY *REALLY* HAD. AND THEY CRIED AND CRIED. AND THEY WATCHED SPACE JAM. AND THEY HAD A DISNEY SINGALONG. AND THEN THEY HAD A BUFFY MARATHON, BECAUSE HOUSE ELVES CAN WATCH DVDS INSIDE OF HOGWARTS (PRETTY COOL RIGHT?) AND THEN THEY MADE A BIGASS CAKE IN THE SHAPE OF HAGRID'S CHIN, JUST SO THEY COULD THEORIZE PROPERLY WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE. (THERE WAS SOME FEUDING DURING THIS PART OF THE EVENING, AS WINKY THOUGHT IT MUST HAVE BEEN SHAPED LIKE A BANANA AND SEVERUS WAS SURE IT WAS BLUE AND TRANSPARENT AND SHAPED LIKE A TOASTER WAFFLE.)
SO AFTER THEY DID THIS, THEN THEY DECIDED THAT THEY WERE GOING TO DO A DANCE. SO THEY DID. AND TO BE HONEST, THAT WAS ABOUT THE MOST EXCITING THING THEY DID ALL EVENING. ANYWAY, THEY WENT AND THEY DANCED AND SEVERUS WAS REALLY, REALLY BAD AT IT BUT IT'S NOT LIKE NOBODY WAS EXPECTING THAT. I MEAN THIS IS SNAPE.
--
THAT HAD BEEN A CRAZY NIGHT, AND HE DID NOT REMEMBER MOST OF IT. IN FACT THE PART HE REMEMBERED IN THE MOST DETAIL WAS THE PART WHERE HE AND A WALL HAD AN IN-DEPTH DISCUSSION ON HIS TURTLE-SHAPED NOSE. BUT I DIGRESS. SEVERUS WENT TO THE MALL AND HE THOUGHT LONG AND HARD ABOUT THE CHOCOLATE.
AND THAT'S WHEN IT FINALLY CAME TO HIM--
IT HAD NOT BEEN MINERVA WHO HAD PURCHASED THE CONFECTIONS. NEITHER HAD IT BEEN POMONA OR ALBUS. HIS STUDENTS HATED HIM FAR TOO MUCH TO SPEND ANY EXTRA *TIME* WITH HIM, LET ALONE ANY EXTRA *MONEY*.
NO, NOW THE ANSWER WAS LARGE AND CLEAR AS UNCLE VERNON'S WEIGHT PROBLEM: HE HAD BOUGHT THE CHOCOLATES FOR HIMSELF.
FINALLY, SEVERUS FELT A SENSE OF SELF-WORTH. THOUGH NOBODY ELSE HAD SPENT THE TIME ON HIMSELF, *HE* HAD. *HE* CLEARLY VALUED HIMSELF. AT LEAST WHEN HE WAS DRUNK.
SEVERUS BIT INTO A CHOCOLATE, FEELING FOR A MOMENT SOMETHING THAT HE THOUGHT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE... HAPPINESS?
THE SENSATION DID NOT LAST LONG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO REFLECT ON IT: THIS CHOCOLATE HAD PEANUTS IN IT. HE WAS ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS.
WOW, THOUGHT SEVERUS, AS HIS WINDPIPE CLOSED, I REALLY MUST HATE MYSELF.
AND ALL WAS WELL.
THE END!!!!!!
1120/50 = 22 points
Eleanor/Ron//Ravenclaw House
Rating/Warnings: PG-13
Characters/Pairing: Severus Snape, Winky
Summary: Snape gets some chocolate from a mysterious someone.
Word Count: 1120
Author's Notes: Please don't judge me.
ONE DAY SEVERUS SNAPE AWOKE TO FIND A BOX OF CHOCOLATES ON HIS DESK.
"NOW WHO COULD THIS BE FROM," HE PONDERED PONDERINGLY. "WHOU WOULD GIVE ME SUCH A MARVELOUS GIFT?"
SEVERUS THOUGHT OF HIS FELLOW TEACHERS. IT COULD BE MINERVA. SHE WAS WHO WAS A GOOD SPORT, BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO GIVE HIM ANYTHING TASTY. THERE WAS POMONA, TOO--BUT SHE SEEMED MORE THE TYPE TO EAT ANY CHOCOLATES SHE HAD HER HANDS ON. THERE WAS ALBUS, BUT HE WAS TOO BUSY PARTYING LATELY TO GET ANYTHING FOR SNAPE. AND IF THEY WERE FROM DOLORES, THEY WOULD PROBABLY HAVE ARSENIC FILLING INSTEAD OF CARAMEL.
MAYBE IT WAS FROM A STUDENT? SEVERUS PICTURED THEIR YOUNG FACES, SMILING AND LAUGHING, ENJOYING THEMSELVES. HE THREW UP A LITTLE IN HIS MOUTH. THERE WAS NOTHING SEVERUS HATED MORE THAN HIS STUDENTS. NOTHING EXCEPT SUNSHINE.
THERE WAS NOBODY HE COULD THINK OF WHO HAD GOTTEN IT.
SO SNAPE WENT TO HIS DIARY. HE OPENED ITS STAINED COVER, PEELED APART SEVERAL PAGES, AND WAS ABOUT TO PICK UP HIS QUILL WHEN HE NOTICED THE MOST RECENT ENTRY. THE PAGES WERE STUCK TOGETHER, LIKE A GRUMPY POTIONS PROFESSOR TO LIFE. AND HIS SPELLING... HIS SPELLING WAS ATROCIOUS.
AND THAT'S WHEN SEVERUS REMEMBERED:
--
THE NIGHT BEFORE HAD BEEN LONG AND SLOW, SO SEVERUS DECIDED TO GO FOR A WALK TO THE KITCHENS BECAUSE HE LIKED TO EAT SOMETIMES. (HE DIDN'T HAVE TO; HE JUST FELT LIKE IT WHEN HE WAS SAD. YOU KNOW?)
ON THE WAY TO THE KITCHEN, HE HAD CAUGHT POTTER AND WEASLEY WRITING SWEARS ON THE STONE WALLS WITH WHAT LOOKED LIKE FECES. NO WAIT, THEY WERE JUST STANDING THERE TALKING. HE LOOKED AT THEM. HE LOOKED AT THE CURVE OF WEASLEY'S SMILE. IT INFURIATED HIM. BUT HE COULD NOT DOCK POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR, NO MATTER *HOW* STUPID THEIR HAIR LOOKED, SO HE HAD TO KEEP ON WALKING. HE COULD FEEL THEIR HATRED ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK AS HE LEFT--BURNING, BURNING, BURNING HIS FLESH, AND EATING, GNAWING AWAY AT HIS BRAIN LIKE A BEAKER OF ACID OR A JUSTIN BIEBER SONG.
SO SEVERUS CONTINUED TO THE KITCHENS. AND THERE HE FOUND THE HOUSE ELVES, SINGING SOME SONGS TO SOME CHILDREN ABOUT WHY YOU SHOULDN'T EAT TOO MUCH. OR MAYBE THAT WAS A MOVIE; HE FREQUENTLY GOT THE TWO MIXED UP.
ANYWAY, SEV WENT TO THE KITCHENS. AND HE SAID TO THE HOUSE ELVES, HE SAID, "PLEASE, ELVES, AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE I CANNOT STAND THE POTTER BOY'S HAPPINESS. NO, I CANNOT STAND HIS VERY EXISTENCE! GET ME BOOZE NOW BITCHES!!!!"
AND SO THE HOUSE ELVES WERE FORCED TO DO WHAT HE SAID, BECAUSE AS EVERYONE KNOWS, THEY HAD TO OBEY SEVERUS' EVERY COMMAND, OR THEY WOULD BE SENT BACK TO WILLY WONKA AND FORCED TO PAINT THEIR FACES RED AND WEAR TOTALLY RIDICULOUS OUTFITS JUST BECAUSE THEY WENT WITH THE DECOR. THEY WOULD MUCH, MUCH PREFER TO WEAR A PILLOW CASE.
ANYWAY, SO WINKY CAME BACK WITH THE BOOZE, AND SHE AND SNAPE SET ABOUT DRINKING THEIR WAY TO CHINA. AND BY THAT I MEAN THEY WERE SOON SO DRUNK THEY THOUGHT THAT THEY WERE LITERALLY ABLE TO DRINK THEIR WAY TO CHINA. RIDICULOUS, RIGHT?
"MAN, SEVERUS," SAID WINKY, "IT SURE DOES SUCK TO HAVE TO LOOK AT PEOPLE'S FACES SOMETIMES, RIGHT?"
"I KNOW MAN," SAID SEV, TAKING A SWIG FROM HIS FLASK AND COUGHING SLIGHTLY. "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. I MEAN, I HATE THAT GUY'S FACE. IT'S JUST SO STUPID, YOU KNOW?"
"I KNOW DUDE," SAID WINKY. "HEY, DO YOU EVER THINK THAT UNDER DUMBLEDORE'S BEARD THERE'S LIKE... THERE'S LIKE ANOTHER DUMBLEDORE?"
"NO MAN, I'D NEVER CONSIDERED THAT," SAID SNAPE.
"YEAH, YEAHYEAH," SAID WINKY. "I READ THAT THEORY ON THE INTERNET A WHILE AGO." (HOUSE ELVES NOT ONLY HAVE SPECIAL MAGIC THAT ALLOWS THEM TO APPARATE WITHIN HOGWARTS; THEIR SPECIAL MAGIC ALSO ALLOWS THEM TO GET WIFI WITHIN HOGWARTS. PRETTY SWEET, RIGHT?) "THERE ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE WITH PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE. OR SOMETHING. I DUNNO. I JUST REMEMBER GOING TO THIS FORUM. IT WAS EITHER A BEARD THEORY FORUM OR A YORKIE LOVER FORUM. I CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER WHICH. BUT THOSE DOGS JUST LOOK SOOOO SILLY."
SEVERUS SIGHED.
"EVERYONE LOVES THOSE DOGS," SAID WINKY. "DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU, SEVERUS?"
"NO," SAID SEVERUS. "I AM UNLOVED, AS THE CAT IN THE WAFFLE TREE, FORGOTTEN AND HATED AS THE SUN AT NIGHT."
"THAT'S A REALLY CRAP METAPHOR," SAID WINKY. "I MEAN BOTH OF THEM."
"SHUT UP," SAID SEVERUS. "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M EXPRESSING MYSELF????????"
"NOOOOO," SAID WINKY, "YOU'RE BEING STUPID."
ANYWAY, SEVERUS AND WINKY KEPT DRINKING. THEY TALKED ABOUT THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE, LIKE WHY HARRY POTTER WAS SO ANNOYING AND HOW MANY FRECKLES RON WEASLEY *REALLY* HAD. AND THEY CRIED AND CRIED. AND THEY WATCHED SPACE JAM. AND THEY HAD A DISNEY SINGALONG. AND THEN THEY HAD A BUFFY MARATHON, BECAUSE HOUSE ELVES CAN WATCH DVDS INSIDE OF HOGWARTS (PRETTY COOL RIGHT?) AND THEN THEY MADE A BIGASS CAKE IN THE SHAPE OF HAGRID'S CHIN, JUST SO THEY COULD THEORIZE PROPERLY WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE. (THERE WAS SOME FEUDING DURING THIS PART OF THE EVENING, AS WINKY THOUGHT IT MUST HAVE BEEN SHAPED LIKE A BANANA AND SEVERUS WAS SURE IT WAS BLUE AND TRANSPARENT AND SHAPED LIKE A TOASTER WAFFLE.)
SO AFTER THEY DID THIS, THEN THEY DECIDED THAT THEY WERE GOING TO DO A DANCE. SO THEY DID. AND TO BE HONEST, THAT WAS ABOUT THE MOST EXCITING THING THEY DID ALL EVENING. ANYWAY, THEY WENT AND THEY DANCED AND SEVERUS WAS REALLY, REALLY BAD AT IT BUT IT'S NOT LIKE NOBODY WAS EXPECTING THAT. I MEAN THIS IS SNAPE.
--
THAT HAD BEEN A CRAZY NIGHT, AND HE DID NOT REMEMBER MOST OF IT. IN FACT THE PART HE REMEMBERED IN THE MOST DETAIL WAS THE PART WHERE HE AND A WALL HAD AN IN-DEPTH DISCUSSION ON HIS TURTLE-SHAPED NOSE. BUT I DIGRESS. SEVERUS WENT TO THE MALL AND HE THOUGHT LONG AND HARD ABOUT THE CHOCOLATE.
AND THAT'S WHEN IT FINALLY CAME TO HIM--
IT HAD NOT BEEN MINERVA WHO HAD PURCHASED THE CONFECTIONS. NEITHER HAD IT BEEN POMONA OR ALBUS. HIS STUDENTS HATED HIM FAR TOO MUCH TO SPEND ANY EXTRA *TIME* WITH HIM, LET ALONE ANY EXTRA *MONEY*.
NO, NOW THE ANSWER WAS LARGE AND CLEAR AS UNCLE VERNON'S WEIGHT PROBLEM: HE HAD BOUGHT THE CHOCOLATES FOR HIMSELF.
FINALLY, SEVERUS FELT A SENSE OF SELF-WORTH. THOUGH NOBODY ELSE HAD SPENT THE TIME ON HIMSELF, *HE* HAD. *HE* CLEARLY VALUED HIMSELF. AT LEAST WHEN HE WAS DRUNK.
SEVERUS BIT INTO A CHOCOLATE, FEELING FOR A MOMENT SOMETHING THAT HE THOUGHT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE... HAPPINESS?
THE SENSATION DID NOT LAST LONG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO REFLECT ON IT: THIS CHOCOLATE HAD PEANUTS IN IT. HE WAS ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS.
WOW, THOUGHT SEVERUS, AS HIS WINDPIPE CLOSED, I REALLY MUST HATE MYSELF.
AND ALL WAS WELL.
THE END!!!!!!
1120/50 = 22 points
Eleanor/Ron//Ravenclaw House