Rough Times
I really would like to post on a day when things are going so perfectly and I am so happy, but it seems that those days never quite come. Today was one of those days that you didn't see coming, like you were blindsided by a train and had no way of changing the way things turned out. Today was a depressing day, from start to finish. My New Years plans ALL went to hell, I couldn't make it down to AP to be with the guys from school, I couldn't make it to Maple Rapids to see Mara or Brad or Potts or anyone, Zach never called and I don't know where he is at the current time, I just sat on the phone all night wondering why. I don't know, sometimes, a lot of the time actually it seems that the things I want aren't the same things that God wants, and that I just can't understand. Obviously I'm not supposed to understand otherwise I would, I just wish things made more sense. I gained a lot of respect for Dad over this break, and I gained some knowledge about him that I never knew, and some things that I learned about myself that I respect a little less. Sometimes I would I was clay and could mold and change, take away and add, but I always wonder if in the end I would be happier in the end than what I was in the start. How unique would the world be if everybody was 6'2", weighed around 175lbs, had a great six pack, strong arms and legs, a nice face to look at, the perfect hair, beautiful eyes, a personality to die for, the world would suck plain and simple. That doesn't take away the urge to be that way though. I'm satisfied with my eyes, my height, I'll settle for my weight until I can find a way to defeat the last portion of it, I'll even settle for the single life that I still lead, but that doesn't mean I like it. I hate it, I want to be single as badly as I want a bullet in my head, and let me tell you that isn't very badly. That's a topic for another day though, something I could write pages and pages about. My day will come, I just wonder when my day is, when will things change, when will I change? I have another 8 days before I go back to school, only 6 are mine because I work 41.5 hours this week, I was scheduled overtime at my job. It's a blessing and a curse, I will spend minimal time with my friends and family and spend more time doing what I do best, spending money on things I don't need. I'll like the car in the end though :) It's the only thing in my life where I can just go and be happy, I never really thought about it but I'm sort of a materialist. Things make me happy, objects, sub-woofers, amplifiers, rims, tinted windows, lowering springs, performance struts, body kits, paint, phones, all of it. Something I can feel and see, and maybe that takes you all for a deeper trip into my psyche, maybe it's to make up for something I lacked growing up. Much to all of your dismay, however, you will never know. That secretive side of me will exist, forever and always. I don't want you figuring me out, I want to be a mystery, I don't want people close to me... but I do. I make no sense at all. I guess that's my motivation, my will, my reason. Love me and hate me for what and who I am, but don't discover me, you won't find what your searching for.
Internal peace is something we search our lives for, and something some people never find. One thing can make everyone in this world "happy". The same thing that makes me that way when things are wrong in my views. This isn't the time either, to be in depth again, my message lacks motivation, I'm tired tonight, it's late. It's time for me to sleep and dream, think of ways to change my life, spend my money, start a life, worry about the end. My family and friends, see me for who I am, respect me for it, and hate me because of it, for being friends with me can only grant you one thing in the end.
Internal peace is something we search our lives for, and something some people never find. One thing can make everyone in this world "happy". The same thing that makes me that way when things are wrong in my views. This isn't the time either, to be in depth again, my message lacks motivation, I'm tired tonight, it's late. It's time for me to sleep and dream, think of ways to change my life, spend my money, start a life, worry about the end. My family and friends, see me for who I am, respect me for it, and hate me because of it, for being friends with me can only grant you one thing in the end.