Fed up with being me.
It seems that I am my label, people tell me I am strong, that I can cope, and yet I feel like shit I am fed up with being the strong one, I want to cry, and yet I find it hard to do. I am in university now feeling like shit, telling you and I guess the entity that is my LJ how I feel. In my flat I am the supporter, in my university I am the same, it is as if people expect me to be this all my life. I can remember times when I broke the mold, but I always go back to it too. I need more.
I am on my own surrounded by people who keep telling me they know how I feel, how can they, if even I don't know. I find myself needing something and not knowing what it is. I wish I had someone just to hug all night sometimes, I don't know if it would help, but it might give me some encouragement. I need something more than I can give at the moment. My flat mate comes to me for support, and I guess I do ok, but no one knows what I am feeling inside. My father is dying, and I don't know how to cope. I can't cope at the moment. I go to lectures and I pretend to be ok. It is a brave front I am having trouble with now.
I make no sense to myself how can I expect others to know, or even recognise I need more help than I am getting. I like the walls build up around myself, but I am unwilling to do anything about them, I can see that they will fall soon, and then I will be left with the rubble that was once my life. I am distracting myself (this is a distraction); I am being who I am best at being me the builder.
I can't sleep well again, I don't eat properly, unless I am cooking for others too, I am forgetting to look after myself. I know I am doing it, I even sort of understand why, but I am feeling incapable of doing anything about it.
I am on my own surrounded by people who keep telling me they know how I feel, how can they, if even I don't know. I find myself needing something and not knowing what it is. I wish I had someone just to hug all night sometimes, I don't know if it would help, but it might give me some encouragement. I need something more than I can give at the moment. My flat mate comes to me for support, and I guess I do ok, but no one knows what I am feeling inside. My father is dying, and I don't know how to cope. I can't cope at the moment. I go to lectures and I pretend to be ok. It is a brave front I am having trouble with now.
I make no sense to myself how can I expect others to know, or even recognise I need more help than I am getting. I like the walls build up around myself, but I am unwilling to do anything about them, I can see that they will fall soon, and then I will be left with the rubble that was once my life. I am distracting myself (this is a distraction); I am being who I am best at being me the builder.
I can't sleep well again, I don't eat properly, unless I am cooking for others too, I am forgetting to look after myself. I know I am doing it, I even sort of understand why, but I am feeling incapable of doing anything about it.