Amazing Day...
I had a terrific day in terms of Doctor Who. I saw the released pictures from the 50th anniversary special on Twitter and Facebook and squeeeeed all over the place when I saw DT on the TARDIS. Also, I got an idea for a new fic that I started working on. I'll hopefully have it up within a week or so.
So remember that audition I tried to go to 2 weeks ago, but it got moved? That was tonight. But before I talk about that, you should know that going to that audition tonight meant conquering a huge personal demon. If you read the essay I wrote for "The Doctor and I," then you know that I hinted at the negativity I encountered in drama school. It really became ingrained to the point where I honestly believed I was crap at acting and I'd never have a career in the theater (which is all bulls**t). I ran away from the performing arts as fast my legs could go. I hit the university doors running, diploma in hand, and never really stopped to look back.
A lot of that changed a year ago when my life began swinging back towards theater and acting. I landed some small film roles and met one of my favorite actors last year (and it wasn't DT, aren't you surprised!). I got to hang out with him a lot and we had a terrific conversation where he encouraged me to stop running and follow my dreams. I took that advice to heart. Gwyddion is a part of that.
But the biggest battle meant facing down the part of me that honestly said, "No, you can't do this." There was a lot of fear in my heart. Yesterday morning, I woke up so scared. I didn't want to to go. I walked in circles in my living room, saying, "I can't do this. I'm too scared." It almost became a mantra. I recognized the fear and then said, "No. If I want this, and I DO want this, I have to fight the fear. I can't let it rule me anymore. That's the old me talking. I'm never going to get over this if I don't face it." I said my monologue perfectly. I did it again. I found my confidence and I thought, "Cancelling is easy. I've never been one to choose the easy road. Bring on the hard stuff. I'm going to that audition and I don't care if I don't get a part. I have to do this for me, to prove to myself that I can be an actor and that what happened in college is in the past and that's not the person I am today. Bring on the fear, because I can fight it and I will win." This is going to sound so silly, but "I Am the Doctor" suddenly started blaring in my mind and I laughed out loud. I love the way my mind works sometimes!
So, I went. I walked into the audition room I don't really know what happened. I went into a sort of zen-like Buddha trance or something. I slated and then something just clicked and I stepped into that role and nailed it. That was the best audition I'd ever done. I knew that I'd given it my all, that I'd done the best audition I could have done. What's so funny to me is that it's a dramatic monologue, but I'm a comedic actor. Comedy is hard to do, but drama is easy. I always got cast in comedic roles when I was younger, but never dramatic. When it was over, the directors were both smiling and said, "Wow!" I don't know if I got a part or not, but I don't care. I did this for me. It was something I had to do.
I am so proud of myself and I feel like I can do anything now! On the way there, I remembered that every professional actor that I admire and love, like CT and DT, were probably in my shoes at one time. They were nervous and scared, but they didn't let that fear stop them. I'm not going to let it stop me.
I went to the store and bought cherry beer and a cheesecake to share with my husband. Without his love and encouragement for me to pursue my dreams, I never would have started down this road. I know that I wasn't strong enough to fight my demons and doubts alone. He believes in me, my family believes in me, and my friends believe in me. I have found love and support and inspiration on all sides, even from Doctor Who, and it was enough to convince me to go to war against my demons.
Tonight, I conquered them.
So remember that audition I tried to go to 2 weeks ago, but it got moved? That was tonight. But before I talk about that, you should know that going to that audition tonight meant conquering a huge personal demon. If you read the essay I wrote for "The Doctor and I," then you know that I hinted at the negativity I encountered in drama school. It really became ingrained to the point where I honestly believed I was crap at acting and I'd never have a career in the theater (which is all bulls**t). I ran away from the performing arts as fast my legs could go. I hit the university doors running, diploma in hand, and never really stopped to look back.
A lot of that changed a year ago when my life began swinging back towards theater and acting. I landed some small film roles and met one of my favorite actors last year (and it wasn't DT, aren't you surprised!). I got to hang out with him a lot and we had a terrific conversation where he encouraged me to stop running and follow my dreams. I took that advice to heart. Gwyddion is a part of that.
But the biggest battle meant facing down the part of me that honestly said, "No, you can't do this." There was a lot of fear in my heart. Yesterday morning, I woke up so scared. I didn't want to to go. I walked in circles in my living room, saying, "I can't do this. I'm too scared." It almost became a mantra. I recognized the fear and then said, "No. If I want this, and I DO want this, I have to fight the fear. I can't let it rule me anymore. That's the old me talking. I'm never going to get over this if I don't face it." I said my monologue perfectly. I did it again. I found my confidence and I thought, "Cancelling is easy. I've never been one to choose the easy road. Bring on the hard stuff. I'm going to that audition and I don't care if I don't get a part. I have to do this for me, to prove to myself that I can be an actor and that what happened in college is in the past and that's not the person I am today. Bring on the fear, because I can fight it and I will win." This is going to sound so silly, but "I Am the Doctor" suddenly started blaring in my mind and I laughed out loud. I love the way my mind works sometimes!
So, I went. I walked into the audition room I don't really know what happened. I went into a sort of zen-like Buddha trance or something. I slated and then something just clicked and I stepped into that role and nailed it. That was the best audition I'd ever done. I knew that I'd given it my all, that I'd done the best audition I could have done. What's so funny to me is that it's a dramatic monologue, but I'm a comedic actor. Comedy is hard to do, but drama is easy. I always got cast in comedic roles when I was younger, but never dramatic. When it was over, the directors were both smiling and said, "Wow!" I don't know if I got a part or not, but I don't care. I did this for me. It was something I had to do.
I am so proud of myself and I feel like I can do anything now! On the way there, I remembered that every professional actor that I admire and love, like CT and DT, were probably in my shoes at one time. They were nervous and scared, but they didn't let that fear stop them. I'm not going to let it stop me.
I went to the store and bought cherry beer and a cheesecake to share with my husband. Without his love and encouragement for me to pursue my dreams, I never would have started down this road. I know that I wasn't strong enough to fight my demons and doubts alone. He believes in me, my family believes in me, and my friends believe in me. I have found love and support and inspiration on all sides, even from Doctor Who, and it was enough to convince me to go to war against my demons.
Tonight, I conquered them.