long time no type.
perhaps i need to start writing in here again, as no one i would talk about actually reads this thing or i guess even knows about it.
i have a lot to say but im not sure where to start. generally tho, as one would assume, most of it is about BOYZ. duh. kelsey jean, when wil you ever learn? apparently never.
so here i ask: is it wrong for me to say that there are three exes in my life, and that, should any of them come forward and tell me they were still in love with me, id be able to tell them i was still in love with them? is it weird that i could see myself growing old by any one of their sides??
each of them still hold on to a good chunk of my heart. and i still think about each of them almost daily.
one of them is my best friend that i can tell anything to, and infact i have even talked to him about this.
another one, i still talk to, and we still float around the possibility of us one day maybe getting back together, but he has his own shit he needs to sort out right now, and is also living with the guilt of hurting his last gf. (they partly broke up because he still had feelings for me)
and the third, my most recent ex, we talk every so often but we usually keep it light and jovial as opposed to getting into anything heavy. i miss him like crazy, and purposly avoid going places that he may be. i always find myself checking if he is online, but ill hardly ever talk. i always wonder if he misses me, if he still thinks about me, or if hes completely moved on and over me. i figure i wonder about this because he is the only one out of the three that i dont have those answers from.
i guess you could say hes the one im most afraid of. perhaps the one id most like to end up with. (even tho i know we are broken up and should not even let thoughts like that enter my mind).
and perhaps this is all just because i have such a hard time letting go. things with the most recent ex feel unfinished to me. but that could just be because he dumped me and i had no say in it. im not entirely sure why we broke up, and i know that part of it wasnt even because of our relationship but more so of the other challenges that arose in his life at that specific time. and knowing this makes me think of how unfair of a chance we got. that for some reason i feel like im owed something. its not that im in denial, but moreso just dont understand what happened. its hard to explain/put into words.
all three of these guys have each been around for significant stages in my life.
i know people are supposed to come and go. i know people and time and everything changes.
sometimes i just think i care too much, that i put too much thought into it. that perhaps i invest too much and should just learn to keep my heart out of it. maybe i expect too much.
i guess i just feel that id like to get back from someone, what i invest into them.
i want someone on my page. on my level.
and as i grow, and as i watch boy 1 and boy 2 grow, strains and issues between us mend and other understandings come to the surface. we all have matured more, grown more.
i dont even know.
i miss being in love. so much.
ive been on a few dates since ive moved back here. i found one guy that i got along great with. great chemistry, but he turned out to be a major sketch bag who ultimately would rather go to drug parties than remain reliable.
i met another guy who was crazy intelligent, and not too shabby looking either. but he lacked confidence and social skills.
i dunno. people say that i should have no problem finding a guy. that im gorgeous and funny. and its not that i disagree (haha) but its weird that people assume this of me. i get hit on a lot by gross brown guys. or guys that think theyre all thug life... ie: basically every guy that i am not attracted to physically and mentally.
i love my life here. but i dont want to spend it alone. the few girls ive made friends with in class all have long term boyfriends that they live with. so im the single tag along. and it just reminds me of how amazing it was to have someone. something like i had with the three exes.
some would say im super lucky to have found love with three different guys. to have that chance. but im not sure. i mean they are moments i wouldnt trade for the world, but it makes being lonely, super lonely. the whole "you dont know what you got till its gone" i suppose.
blah blah im so emo. shut up kelsey.
i have a lot to say but im not sure where to start. generally tho, as one would assume, most of it is about BOYZ. duh. kelsey jean, when wil you ever learn? apparently never.
so here i ask: is it wrong for me to say that there are three exes in my life, and that, should any of them come forward and tell me they were still in love with me, id be able to tell them i was still in love with them? is it weird that i could see myself growing old by any one of their sides??
each of them still hold on to a good chunk of my heart. and i still think about each of them almost daily.
one of them is my best friend that i can tell anything to, and infact i have even talked to him about this.
another one, i still talk to, and we still float around the possibility of us one day maybe getting back together, but he has his own shit he needs to sort out right now, and is also living with the guilt of hurting his last gf. (they partly broke up because he still had feelings for me)
and the third, my most recent ex, we talk every so often but we usually keep it light and jovial as opposed to getting into anything heavy. i miss him like crazy, and purposly avoid going places that he may be. i always find myself checking if he is online, but ill hardly ever talk. i always wonder if he misses me, if he still thinks about me, or if hes completely moved on and over me. i figure i wonder about this because he is the only one out of the three that i dont have those answers from.
i guess you could say hes the one im most afraid of. perhaps the one id most like to end up with. (even tho i know we are broken up and should not even let thoughts like that enter my mind).
and perhaps this is all just because i have such a hard time letting go. things with the most recent ex feel unfinished to me. but that could just be because he dumped me and i had no say in it. im not entirely sure why we broke up, and i know that part of it wasnt even because of our relationship but more so of the other challenges that arose in his life at that specific time. and knowing this makes me think of how unfair of a chance we got. that for some reason i feel like im owed something. its not that im in denial, but moreso just dont understand what happened. its hard to explain/put into words.
all three of these guys have each been around for significant stages in my life.
i know people are supposed to come and go. i know people and time and everything changes.
sometimes i just think i care too much, that i put too much thought into it. that perhaps i invest too much and should just learn to keep my heart out of it. maybe i expect too much.
i guess i just feel that id like to get back from someone, what i invest into them.
i want someone on my page. on my level.
and as i grow, and as i watch boy 1 and boy 2 grow, strains and issues between us mend and other understandings come to the surface. we all have matured more, grown more.
i dont even know.
i miss being in love. so much.
ive been on a few dates since ive moved back here. i found one guy that i got along great with. great chemistry, but he turned out to be a major sketch bag who ultimately would rather go to drug parties than remain reliable.
i met another guy who was crazy intelligent, and not too shabby looking either. but he lacked confidence and social skills.
i dunno. people say that i should have no problem finding a guy. that im gorgeous and funny. and its not that i disagree (haha) but its weird that people assume this of me. i get hit on a lot by gross brown guys. or guys that think theyre all thug life... ie: basically every guy that i am not attracted to physically and mentally.
i love my life here. but i dont want to spend it alone. the few girls ive made friends with in class all have long term boyfriends that they live with. so im the single tag along. and it just reminds me of how amazing it was to have someone. something like i had with the three exes.
some would say im super lucky to have found love with three different guys. to have that chance. but im not sure. i mean they are moments i wouldnt trade for the world, but it makes being lonely, super lonely. the whole "you dont know what you got till its gone" i suppose.
blah blah im so emo. shut up kelsey.