Shame - 1.a
anonymous
February 7 2010, 01:20:48 UTC
Just so you know, anon, the title comes from the name I gave the .txt file of this fic on my pc, because it's the feeling I get anytime I open
it. But damn, the idea was just too hot to pass up. Also it's set around the 1900s, for no reason other that I've read too many books and I'm
pretentious. It's probably full of inaccuracies, but hell, I did try to make some research. God, maybe I should leave the prompt to somebody who
actually knows what he's doing. The boys should be respectively 14 and 19, give or take.
I think it will be around 4/5 parts, maybe 6 if you want an epilogue. Also this part is just a set up, so no smut.
Why is he feeling this? He's a sane boy, growing quickly into a sane man. Maybe he can't keep up with the Greek at school, but he's disciplined,
strong, afraid of nothing - it's like he's made for the military career. Onkel Edelstein says he took from the Prussian side of the family, or at
least, that's what he used to say before Vati forbid his visits. "Bad influence", he decided, and Onkel Edelstein remained as just the vague
memory of a slender, elegant young man, with the soft edge of an Austrian accent on his tongue. To this day, Gilbert doesn't know if it's because he
married beneath his name (a spirited little Hungarian maid, he's been told in hushed tones at some family reunion) or because he kept encouraging
bruderchen to play the piano, even after Vati had made it clear that the little one was not to become an artist, and feeding his dreams was just
cruel.
Bruderchen.
He's a proper young man. He's a proper young man and he's going to stop feeling like this right now. He's a proper young man, and... well, maybe
he's not as proper as his father would like him to be. He drinks too much, jumps Mass and school when he can. At his gymnasium he's more famous
for taking his canings in stride that for his good degrees. And he always knew, in those moments in which he's alone at night, the curtains on the bed
drawn, in those moments in which he can't deny, because there's nobody to deny to, that in the deepest pit of his heart lies a core of depravity, of
disgusting sin - the shivers he gets when he jumps in the cold water of the lake with his friends, seeing their young, strong bodies, just like his own.
Francis, the son of that French diplomatic which remained their guest a whole summer, blond locks, pretty as a girl, but so undoubtedly male, pressing
against him, kissing him.
But he can make himself proper. He has read enough Greeks, and listened in whispered conversations. Young men his age often get
those feelings, those desires. They outgrow them. This is what he keeps on repeating in the dead hours of the night, when he lies awake, and his
longing for the weight of a body against his own turns into a dull ache. He can forget about it. He's going to be proper, like Vati wants him, or maybe
not, a different kind of proper. The kind of proper man that becomes a soldier, not a scholar, and rides horses fast in the flat fields. And maybe, even,
marries a spirited little Hungarian maid of his own, and has spirited little Prussian and Hungarian children that he never beats, and never forces to sit in
the library, studying Horatius on moldy books, while outside the sun shines and it's a perfect day to ride Attila. Yes, he can forget about those
feelings.
This, however, this... It's all Vati's fault. He has closed them here, forcing them in solitude and proximity - even in the warmest summer days, they
have to pass long hours in the library before being allowed outside, and Vati disapproves of all the most interesting people in the neighborhood, so
Shame - 1.b
anonymous
February 7 2010, 01:24:39 UTC
In the beginning, he had resented this - had resented him, little Ludwig, sweet Ludwig, so well-behaved, never loud, knowing his Greek
and his Latin better than his teachers. A summer of two years ago - feels like centuries - he remembers beating him, viciously, because he was going
to jump a year and go directly to the Gymnasium, while he had barely passed his entry exam to the last years. This year the scene almost repeated,
because Ludwig is first of his course, while he will probably fail his last year, and even if he passes his votes will be too low to enter the military
academy. But his baby brother, being both clever and kind, had rapped gently on his door one day, and offered his help, 'if big brother doesn't feel
bad accepting it. In exchange, please teach me to ride?' And this was the beginning of his downfall.
His brother has grown. His face and shoulders are losing the roundness of childhood, his voice is darker and deeper, his body is more slender
and strong. His brother likes to behave like he's even older, keeping his hair tidy, slicked back, his clothes clean and proper, his expression serious
and blank. His brother is still a child, his cheeks and lips still round and tender, untouched, his happy yells high in the lazy afternoon when Gilbert
pushes Attila to gallop (hands, little but strong already, digging in his sides to hold steady), his blush deep when he comes across something 'weird' in
his reading. His brother is becoming more than he could ever hope to be, and he's desperately in love with him.
He has tried to mask it with brotherly affection, but he always knew, just like he knew about his desires, that it goes deeper than that, and darker, in
places where the shiny thing that Ludwig is should not ever go. It is something that calls at his stomach and bones, that makes him ache and whine,
that makes him want. He tried not to look, but it would have been easier just pulling his eyes out, like Oedipus did. Ludwig calls his attention like
nothing else in the world, and he doesn't even notice.
That's part of what makes him so attractive, his innocence, and the thing that shames Gilbert the most is how he ended up using it - purposefully
making Attila rear so he would press his body against his with a sharp cry, grabbing his hips and lifting him forcefully when he needs to reach a
book on a tall shelf, letting his hands linger on his when he's correcting the way he holds the reins, pulling him on his lap for an hug even if he's
decidedly too old for that, kissing his pink cheeks, ruffling his blond hair. All those little touches set him on fire, and the burning sensation remains on
his skin for a long time, sometimes carrying into the bedroom's curtains, where he turns those gestures of brotherly affection into something dark and
wet, panting, shivering with horror and desire, whispering his brother's name over and over while biting the pillow. He often cries himself to sleep
afterward, only to start all over the day after.
Today's torture is in the library - it's a nice Saturday afternoon, and they're just back from school. Ludwig is looking out of the window, a lingering
expression on his face - he loves taking long walks in the park on days like this (and really, the kiss of the sun suits him so much, light to light and gold
to gold), but they have to finish their homework first, and after Vati is going to give them some Bible readings - they'll never be done before the
sunset.
"Ludwig." he calls, sweetly, feeling like the snake in the garden.
"Yes, Gilbert?"
"Go outside for a while. Just remain close to this window, I'll call you if Vati comes so you can sneak back in."
Ludwig's blue eyes go wide in scandal, an indignant blush rising on his cheeks - Gilbert can feel his stomach clench. "I can't! I have to do my
homework!"
"Are you sure? A bit of fresh air would help you think."
Shame - 1.c
anonymous
February 7 2010, 01:26:12 UTC
Ludwig looks outside, biting his lip in deliberation, then lets out a long, lingering sigh and focuses back on his brother, who's desperately trying to
pretend he isn't affected by his every small gesture, grin firmly plastered in place. "No. But -" and here his eyes light up a bit "you can go, if you want!
I'll do your homework, too." And he'll do them too: he has been helping him with them for a while.
It's Gilbert's turn to sigh. "No, thanks. I'll have to learn something anyway, one day or the other. But Vati really shouldn't let you rot in here for too
long, you need to be outside with the other kids your age."
"What could your brother possibly gain from passing his afternoons getting his clothes dirty with a bunch of street urchins?" Oh, no. For how long
has he been listening on the other side of the door?
"Vati! Gilbert was just..."
"Just trying to turn you into a lazy little criminal like he is. And obtaining some results, it seems - really, Ludwig, offering to do his homework while
he runs off to only God knows where? I thought you better than this." He goes to ruffle Ludwig's hair, but his distant expression makes it so there's no
warmth in the gesture - it's like being coddled by a marble statue.
"It was my idea." Gilbert offers.
"Yes, I know it was. It's always your idea." Vati sighs. "I let the two of you do your homework here together, instead that each in his own room,
because I thought Ludwig was going to be an influence on you, not the other way around. I'll find a way to keep you two separated."
"No, Vati!" Ludwig cries, and Gilbert's heart sinks.
"My grades have been getting better." he says, looking into his father's eyes: Vati doesn't like contradiction, but he usually leaves them be if they
have a good enough counterpoint. And this seems to work, even if this man is so unreadable, it's almost impossible to tell.
"Yes, it's true."
"And Ludwig is still the best of his class."
"That's true too. Well, you seem to have a point here, Gilbert, even if there's no need to express it with such arrogance. You will still keep
each other company during the day. But I have to punish the both of you for planning to sneak out of your duty, don't I? Gilbert, you are not to go out
with your friends tonight..."
"Oh, come on! It's the only night I can in the whole week!"
"... nor next Saturday, and I'll add another Saturday for every protest. And, Ludwig, you can't go to see that piano concert tonight."
"Oh! I see." Ludwig says, his eyes filling with tears, while Gilbert protests "Vati, no! You can't do this to Ludwig, he has been waiting tonight for
weeks!"
"Then he'll remember this lesson."
"But Vati, it's all my fault! Punish me harsher and let him be! I won't go out for four Saturdays straight! And I won't go to the lake tomorrow!"
His father has, for a second, something similar to a movement of affection on his face, but it disappears before Gilbert can be sure of its
meaning. "Gilbert, your desire to protect your brother is noble and... unexpected in somebody like you, but Ludwig is old enough to face the
consequences of what he does. Do you understand, Ludwig?"
"Yes, Vati." Ludwig is keeping his back straight and his tears in check, stoic, but he can't hide a soft sniffle when he asks "C-can I still go to see
the exhibition tomorrow afternoon?"
"Yes, clearly. And Gilbert can still go to the lake with his friends and his horse. I wouldn't want to be too strict, after all."
"Thank you, Vati." Ludwig says.
"Good. I'm going back to my work now. I'll come check on you two in a couple hours, and assign you your readings."
Shame - 1.d
anonymous
February 7 2010, 01:27:44 UTC
As soon as the man is gone, Gilbert jumps out of his seat to check on the door, laughing nervously. "Ah, Vati is old, but still sneaky! I usually close
the corridor's door, you know, the one with creaky hinges, so if anyone gets near here I hear them, but today... Ludwig!"
His little brother has long tears streaking down his cheeks, and his shoulders are shaking with the effort of holding back sobs - Gilbert runs to him
and collects him in his arms before he has even time to think about what he's doing.
Ludwig comes undone pressed against his big brother's comforting chest, loud sobs and sighs escaping his lips, his hands fisting the fabric of
Gilbert's shirt.
"Oh, Ludwig... you really wanted to go to that concert, didn't you?"
"I... j-just... I know... I know Vati is right and..."
"No, I'm sorry but no. This time, he isn't." He sighs, wishing away the effect the warm, lite body has against his. "We did literally nothing. He can't
punish us for talking."
"B-but Gilbert!" Ludwig raises his eyes to meet his own, still liquid from tears, and Gilbert almost can't contain the sudden desire to grab his chin
and rain kisses on the red, wet cheeks and pouty lips. He plants his nails in his palms instead, the pain covering the dull ache in his chest.
He hides his turmoil with his patient big brother tone. "Ah, you're still little, and think that Vati is always right, but trust me, he's a human just like
anybody else, and he can make mistakes." He pulls a kerchief out of a pocket. "Now wipe your face, wouldn't want anybody to see you cry like a girl,
no?"
Ludwig nods and takes the kerchief, quickly composing himself, and sliding out of Gilbert's arms - he can feel the imprint of his body on his, and
almost screams in something that's either relief or frustration.
His little brother sniffles. "Don't you mind not going out with your friends tonight?"
Gilbert shrugs. "I'll have plenty of Saturdays in my life, and it's not like Germany is going to run out of beer in the near future. It's your concert that
comes only once."
Ludwig's desolate expression makes him want to throttle his father.
"You know, maybe Vati was right. Maybe we should be separated." he mutters, not even realizing that Ludwig can hear him - but he can, judging
by the sudden wide-eyed, almost scared expression.
"B-bruder... you don't want to be my friend anymore?" he asks, in a very small voice.
"What? No, no! It's just... I really am a bad influence."
"You're my only company!" Ludwig has a severe expression.
"This is no good either, Ludwig. You should be" away from me, where I can't see you, where I can't soil you "with people your age."
"Well, maybe, when you're gone off to the academy. But you know, even if you're a bad influence I don't mind, because I'm always too good
anyway."
Gilbert laughs, a good natured, amused kind of laughter with no trace of venom. "And what does this means?"
"It means that I want things to happen to me in my life, and I suspect that things don't happen to you if you always follow the rules."
He laughs again. "Oh, you've been hiding romances inside your algebra books again, haven't you?"
Ludwig crosses his arms and frowns, obviously disappointed at not being considered seriously. "I'm not a child, Gilbert! Don't laugh at me. Even
if you think I'm boring and childish, a good big brother wouldn't leave his little brother alone without his guide, he wouldn't even suggest it!"
Gilbert snorts, and almost suffocates, but manages to remain serious. "I know you're not a child, Ludwig, and I don't think you're boring, it's just
that sometimes I wonder if you wouldn't be better off without me."
Shame - 1.e
anonymous
February 7 2010, 01:30:29 UTC
Ludwig expression is one of genuine surprise. "How can you even think something like that? You're the best big brother one can have! You know
how to ride an horse, you let me pet your cute bird, you bring me to art exhibitions even if you think they're boring..."
Gilbert didn't know one could be so overwhelmed with joy and shame at the same time. "You're kind to me, little brother." he says, digging his
nails in his palms again.
"Because you're kind to me. But you really don't think I'm boring, Gilbert?" His voice is small and sweet again, and Gilbert's nails are probably
drawing blood by now.
"I could never think this of you. Promise."
"So, when you're gone to the military academy, can I come visit you?"
"Anytime you want, little one. You should still try to make friends your age, thought. Promise?"
A smile from Ludwig is a rare event, something that Gilbert cherishes and cares for like his little bird in a cage. "Promise."
His brother is happy now, and his brother's happiness is dangerous to him, especially if he's the one who has caused it, because it fills him with
the same kind of reckless bravado he gets when he's drunk. With a smile that screams mischief, he bends closer to Ludwig and whispers: "Little
brother, if you really want to go to that concert, I know the way to sneak out and come back without the old man noticing."
Ludwig's eyes go wide with scandal, but he can tell there's a glint of curiosity in their expression. He bends closer too. "Bruder, we
shouldn't... We've just been punished!"
"Yes, and it was an unfair punishment! If we were to escape it, we won't be breaking a rule as much a righting a wrong, or not? Besides," and
here he can't help but grin "didn't you just say that nothing happens to those that always follow the rules?"
He knows how much this kind of talk resonates with his incredibly honest brother, and he can tell it's working by the way his little one chews his lips
in deliberation again - if the idea didn't hold any appeal, he'd have rejected it with scandal already.
"Are you sure..." he swallows, his face blushing. "Are you sure we won't get caught?"
Gilbert grins. "Oh, sure, I've done it a lot of times!"
Ludwig eyes go wide again, this time in surprise and, oh, how good this feels, admiration. "Really?"
"Oh, yes." Well, three or four times at most, but he's still sure it will work. And if it doesn't, he'll make sure to take all the blame.
"I-if, if you're sure, I... Oh, screw that!" he slams a foot, frustrated. "I saved so much to buy the ticket, I've not bought sweets for three weeks! I
want to go!"
"That's my bruderchen! But we have to plan this thoroughly, because all those times it was just me, for two people it's a bit more
risky. Also it would be after dinner, so I'm afraid you'll lose a bit of the concert anyway."
Ludwig nods, a smile on his face, a glint of mischief in his eyes - he likes plans. "I don't care much about the first part of the program
anyway."
Gilbert answers with a huge grin of his own, and a casual observer would probably notice how much the two brothers look like each other right
now. "Well then! I'll go close the corridor door, so if Vati comes to check on us, we'll hear him."
He jumps out of his seat again and gets out of the room, closing the door behind himself and pressing his back to it, and finally lets himself relax,
sliding on the wood until he's sitting on the floor. He looks at his hands. His nails dug a series of bloody half-moons in his palm.
Shame - Random notes
anonymous
February 7 2010, 01:34:26 UTC
Onkel is 'uncle', Vati is 'daddy', Bruder is 'brother', Bruderchen is 'little brother', and German is sexy.
Uh. Poor Gilbert feels so guilty. Also Attila it's the name of his horse, in case it's not clear. I still don't know what name give his little birdy. And I'm still not sure about Gilbert calling
Germania 'Vati', because that strikes me as pretty intimate and at the time the parent-child relationship was much more formal that what it is
today.
If they sound a bit too sentimental for boys their age, remember that expressing your feelings loudly and in a way that sometimes seems cheesy to us
was normal at the time, especially for young people.
To ease my guilt a bit, I'd like to point out that in my country the age of consent is 14, so this is not technically illegal.
About next part, well, I do hope you like carriages. And beer. And bar brawls. And underage sex.
Re: Shame - Random notes
anonymous
February 8 2010, 06:18:27 UTC
This is gorgeous! Wow a historical piece that really feels like a slice of life from a hundred years ago! Thank you anon, now I can go to sleep happy.
Gilbert's emotions are so real and filled with the happy pain that comes with loving someone so much that it hurts while uplifting your spirit at the same time. I can't wait to read the next part of this.
Yes, this is like a train-wreck waiting to happen. I'm steeling myself for the next part, cuz I bet it's going to be amazing! I L U anon, please write more. *bows to your skill* <3
Just so you know, anon, the title comes from the name I gave the .txt file of this fic on my pc, because it's the feeling I get anytime I open
it. But damn, the idea was just too hot to pass up. Also it's set around the 1900s, for no reason other that I've read too many books and I'm
pretentious. It's probably full of inaccuracies, but hell, I did try to make some research. God, maybe I should leave the prompt to somebody who
actually knows what he's doing. The boys should be respectively 14 and 19, give or take.
I think it will be around 4/5 parts, maybe 6 if you want an epilogue. Also this part is just a set up, so no smut.
Why is he feeling this? He's a sane boy, growing quickly into a sane man. Maybe he can't keep up with the Greek at school, but he's disciplined,
strong, afraid of nothing - it's like he's made for the military career. Onkel Edelstein says he took from the Prussian side of the family, or at
least, that's what he used to say before Vati forbid his visits. "Bad influence", he decided, and Onkel Edelstein remained as just the vague
memory of a slender, elegant young man, with the soft edge of an Austrian accent on his tongue. To this day, Gilbert doesn't know if it's because he
married beneath his name (a spirited little Hungarian maid, he's been told in hushed tones at some family reunion) or because he kept encouraging
bruderchen to play the piano, even after Vati had made it clear that the little one was not to become an artist, and feeding his dreams was just
cruel.
Bruderchen.
He's a proper young man. He's a proper young man and he's going to stop feeling like this right now. He's a proper young man, and... well, maybe
he's not as proper as his father would like him to be. He drinks too much, jumps Mass and school when he can. At his gymnasium he's more famous
for taking his canings in stride that for his good degrees. And he always knew, in those moments in which he's alone at night, the curtains on the bed
drawn, in those moments in which he can't deny, because there's nobody to deny to, that in the deepest pit of his heart lies a core of depravity, of
disgusting sin - the shivers he gets when he jumps in the cold water of the lake with his friends, seeing their young, strong bodies, just like his own.
Francis, the son of that French diplomatic which remained their guest a whole summer, blond locks, pretty as a girl, but so undoubtedly male, pressing
against him, kissing him.
But he can make himself proper. He has read enough Greeks, and listened in whispered conversations. Young men his age often get
those feelings, those desires. They outgrow them. This is what he keeps on repeating in the dead hours of the night, when he lies awake, and his
longing for the weight of a body against his own turns into a dull ache. He can forget about it. He's going to be proper, like Vati wants him, or maybe
not, a different kind of proper. The kind of proper man that becomes a soldier, not a scholar, and rides horses fast in the flat fields. And maybe, even,
marries a spirited little Hungarian maid of his own, and has spirited little Prussian and Hungarian children that he never beats, and never forces to sit in
the library, studying Horatius on moldy books, while outside the sun shines and it's a perfect day to ride Attila. Yes, he can forget about those
feelings.
This, however, this... It's all Vati's fault. He has closed them here, forcing them in solitude and proximity - even in the warmest summer days, they
have to pass long hours in the library before being allowed outside, and Vati disapproves of all the most interesting people in the neighborhood, so
they won't have anyone to visit anyway.
Reply
In the beginning, he had resented this - had resented him, little Ludwig, sweet Ludwig, so well-behaved, never loud, knowing his Greek
and his Latin better than his teachers. A summer of two years ago - feels like centuries - he remembers beating him, viciously, because he was going
to jump a year and go directly to the Gymnasium, while he had barely passed his entry exam to the last years. This year the scene almost repeated,
because Ludwig is first of his course, while he will probably fail his last year, and even if he passes his votes will be too low to enter the military
academy. But his baby brother, being both clever and kind, had rapped gently on his door one day, and offered his help, 'if big brother doesn't feel
bad accepting it. In exchange, please teach me to ride?' And this was the beginning of his downfall.
His brother has grown. His face and shoulders are losing the roundness of childhood, his voice is darker and deeper, his body is more slender
and strong. His brother likes to behave like he's even older, keeping his hair tidy, slicked back, his clothes clean and proper, his expression serious
and blank. His brother is still a child, his cheeks and lips still round and tender, untouched, his happy yells high in the lazy afternoon when Gilbert
pushes Attila to gallop (hands, little but strong already, digging in his sides to hold steady), his blush deep when he comes across something 'weird' in
his reading. His brother is becoming more than he could ever hope to be, and he's desperately in love with him.
He has tried to mask it with brotherly affection, but he always knew, just like he knew about his desires, that it goes deeper than that, and darker, in
places where the shiny thing that Ludwig is should not ever go. It is something that calls at his stomach and bones, that makes him ache and whine,
that makes him want. He tried not to look, but it would have been easier just pulling his eyes out, like Oedipus did. Ludwig calls his attention like
nothing else in the world, and he doesn't even notice.
That's part of what makes him so attractive, his innocence, and the thing that shames Gilbert the most is how he ended up using it - purposefully
making Attila rear so he would press his body against his with a sharp cry, grabbing his hips and lifting him forcefully when he needs to reach a
book on a tall shelf, letting his hands linger on his when he's correcting the way he holds the reins, pulling him on his lap for an hug even if he's
decidedly too old for that, kissing his pink cheeks, ruffling his blond hair. All those little touches set him on fire, and the burning sensation remains on
his skin for a long time, sometimes carrying into the bedroom's curtains, where he turns those gestures of brotherly affection into something dark and
wet, panting, shivering with horror and desire, whispering his brother's name over and over while biting the pillow. He often cries himself to sleep
afterward, only to start all over the day after.
Today's torture is in the library - it's a nice Saturday afternoon, and they're just back from school. Ludwig is looking out of the window, a lingering
expression on his face - he loves taking long walks in the park on days like this (and really, the kiss of the sun suits him so much, light to light and gold
to gold), but they have to finish their homework first, and after Vati is going to give them some Bible readings - they'll never be done before the
sunset.
"Ludwig." he calls, sweetly, feeling like the snake in the garden.
"Yes, Gilbert?"
"Go outside for a while. Just remain close to this window, I'll call you if Vati comes so you can sneak back in."
Ludwig's blue eyes go wide in scandal, an indignant blush rising on his cheeks - Gilbert can feel his stomach clench. "I can't! I have to do my
homework!"
"Are you sure? A bit of fresh air would help you think."
Reply
Ludwig looks outside, biting his lip in deliberation, then lets out a long, lingering sigh and focuses back on his brother, who's desperately trying to
pretend he isn't affected by his every small gesture, grin firmly plastered in place. "No. But -" and here his eyes light up a bit "you can go, if you want!
I'll do your homework, too." And he'll do them too: he has been helping him with them for a while.
It's Gilbert's turn to sigh. "No, thanks. I'll have to learn something anyway, one day or the other. But Vati really shouldn't let you rot in here for too
long, you need to be outside with the other kids your age."
"What could your brother possibly gain from passing his afternoons getting his clothes dirty with a bunch of street urchins?" Oh, no. For how long
has he been listening on the other side of the door?
"Vati! Gilbert was just..."
"Just trying to turn you into a lazy little criminal like he is. And obtaining some results, it seems - really, Ludwig, offering to do his homework while
he runs off to only God knows where? I thought you better than this." He goes to ruffle Ludwig's hair, but his distant expression makes it so there's no
warmth in the gesture - it's like being coddled by a marble statue.
"It was my idea." Gilbert offers.
"Yes, I know it was. It's always your idea." Vati sighs. "I let the two of you do your homework here together, instead that each in his own room,
because I thought Ludwig was going to be an influence on you, not the other way around. I'll find a way to keep you two separated."
"No, Vati!" Ludwig cries, and Gilbert's heart sinks.
"My grades have been getting better." he says, looking into his father's eyes: Vati doesn't like contradiction, but he usually leaves them be if they
have a good enough counterpoint. And this seems to work, even if this man is so unreadable, it's almost impossible to tell.
"Yes, it's true."
"And Ludwig is still the best of his class."
"That's true too. Well, you seem to have a point here, Gilbert, even if there's no need to express it with such arrogance. You will still keep
each other company during the day. But I have to punish the both of you for planning to sneak out of your duty, don't I? Gilbert, you are not to go out
with your friends tonight..."
"Oh, come on! It's the only night I can in the whole week!"
"... nor next Saturday, and I'll add another Saturday for every protest. And, Ludwig, you can't go to see that piano concert tonight."
"Oh! I see." Ludwig says, his eyes filling with tears, while Gilbert protests "Vati, no! You can't do this to Ludwig, he has been waiting tonight for
weeks!"
"Then he'll remember this lesson."
"But Vati, it's all my fault! Punish me harsher and let him be! I won't go out for four Saturdays straight! And I won't go to the lake tomorrow!"
His father has, for a second, something similar to a movement of affection on his face, but it disappears before Gilbert can be sure of its
meaning. "Gilbert, your desire to protect your brother is noble and... unexpected in somebody like you, but Ludwig is old enough to face the
consequences of what he does. Do you understand, Ludwig?"
"Yes, Vati." Ludwig is keeping his back straight and his tears in check, stoic, but he can't hide a soft sniffle when he asks "C-can I still go to see
the exhibition tomorrow afternoon?"
"Yes, clearly. And Gilbert can still go to the lake with his friends and his horse. I wouldn't want to be too strict, after all."
"Thank you, Vati." Ludwig says.
"Good. I'm going back to my work now. I'll come check on you two in a couple hours, and assign you your readings."
Reply
As soon as the man is gone, Gilbert jumps out of his seat to check on the door, laughing nervously. "Ah, Vati is old, but still sneaky! I usually close
the corridor's door, you know, the one with creaky hinges, so if anyone gets near here I hear them, but today... Ludwig!"
His little brother has long tears streaking down his cheeks, and his shoulders are shaking with the effort of holding back sobs - Gilbert runs to him
and collects him in his arms before he has even time to think about what he's doing.
Ludwig comes undone pressed against his big brother's comforting chest, loud sobs and sighs escaping his lips, his hands fisting the fabric of
Gilbert's shirt.
"Oh, Ludwig... you really wanted to go to that concert, didn't you?"
"I... j-just... I know... I know Vati is right and..."
"No, I'm sorry but no. This time, he isn't." He sighs, wishing away the effect the warm, lite body has against his. "We did literally nothing. He can't
punish us for talking."
"B-but Gilbert!" Ludwig raises his eyes to meet his own, still liquid from tears, and Gilbert almost can't contain the sudden desire to grab his chin
and rain kisses on the red, wet cheeks and pouty lips. He plants his nails in his palms instead, the pain covering the dull ache in his chest.
He hides his turmoil with his patient big brother tone. "Ah, you're still little, and think that Vati is always right, but trust me, he's a human just like
anybody else, and he can make mistakes." He pulls a kerchief out of a pocket. "Now wipe your face, wouldn't want anybody to see you cry like a girl,
no?"
Ludwig nods and takes the kerchief, quickly composing himself, and sliding out of Gilbert's arms - he can feel the imprint of his body on his, and
almost screams in something that's either relief or frustration.
His little brother sniffles. "Don't you mind not going out with your friends tonight?"
Gilbert shrugs. "I'll have plenty of Saturdays in my life, and it's not like Germany is going to run out of beer in the near future. It's your concert that
comes only once."
Ludwig's desolate expression makes him want to throttle his father.
"You know, maybe Vati was right. Maybe we should be separated." he mutters, not even realizing that Ludwig can hear him - but he can, judging
by the sudden wide-eyed, almost scared expression.
"B-bruder... you don't want to be my friend anymore?" he asks, in a very small voice.
"What? No, no! It's just... I really am a bad influence."
"You're my only company!" Ludwig has a severe expression.
"This is no good either, Ludwig. You should be" away from me, where I can't see you, where I can't soil you "with people your age."
"Well, maybe, when you're gone off to the academy. But you know, even if you're a bad influence I don't mind, because I'm always too good
anyway."
Gilbert laughs, a good natured, amused kind of laughter with no trace of venom. "And what does this means?"
"It means that I want things to happen to me in my life, and I suspect that things don't happen to you if you always follow the rules."
He laughs again. "Oh, you've been hiding romances inside your algebra books again, haven't you?"
Ludwig crosses his arms and frowns, obviously disappointed at not being considered seriously. "I'm not a child, Gilbert! Don't laugh at me. Even
if you think I'm boring and childish, a good big brother wouldn't leave his little brother alone without his guide, he wouldn't even suggest it!"
Gilbert snorts, and almost suffocates, but manages to remain serious. "I know you're not a child, Ludwig, and I don't think you're boring, it's just
that sometimes I wonder if you wouldn't be better off without me."
Reply
Ludwig expression is one of genuine surprise. "How can you even think something like that? You're the best big brother one can have! You know
how to ride an horse, you let me pet your cute bird, you bring me to art exhibitions even if you think they're boring..."
Gilbert didn't know one could be so overwhelmed with joy and shame at the same time. "You're kind to me, little brother." he says, digging his
nails in his palms again.
"Because you're kind to me. But you really don't think I'm boring, Gilbert?" His voice is small and sweet again, and Gilbert's nails are probably
drawing blood by now.
"I could never think this of you. Promise."
"So, when you're gone to the military academy, can I come visit you?"
"Anytime you want, little one. You should still try to make friends your age, thought. Promise?"
A smile from Ludwig is a rare event, something that Gilbert cherishes and cares for like his little bird in a cage. "Promise."
His brother is happy now, and his brother's happiness is dangerous to him, especially if he's the one who has caused it, because it fills him with
the same kind of reckless bravado he gets when he's drunk. With a smile that screams mischief, he bends closer to Ludwig and whispers: "Little
brother, if you really want to go to that concert, I know the way to sneak out and come back without the old man noticing."
Ludwig's eyes go wide with scandal, but he can tell there's a glint of curiosity in their expression. He bends closer too. "Bruder, we
shouldn't... We've just been punished!"
"Yes, and it was an unfair punishment! If we were to escape it, we won't be breaking a rule as much a righting a wrong, or not? Besides," and
here he can't help but grin "didn't you just say that nothing happens to those that always follow the rules?"
He knows how much this kind of talk resonates with his incredibly honest brother, and he can tell it's working by the way his little one chews his lips
in deliberation again - if the idea didn't hold any appeal, he'd have rejected it with scandal already.
"Are you sure..." he swallows, his face blushing. "Are you sure we won't get caught?"
Gilbert grins. "Oh, sure, I've done it a lot of times!"
Ludwig eyes go wide again, this time in surprise and, oh, how good this feels, admiration. "Really?"
"Oh, yes." Well, three or four times at most, but he's still sure it will work. And if it doesn't, he'll make sure to take all the blame.
"I-if, if you're sure, I... Oh, screw that!" he slams a foot, frustrated. "I saved so much to buy the ticket, I've not bought sweets for three weeks! I
want to go!"
"That's my bruderchen! But we have to plan this thoroughly, because all those times it was just me, for two people it's a bit more
risky. Also it would be after dinner, so I'm afraid you'll lose a bit of the concert anyway."
Ludwig nods, a smile on his face, a glint of mischief in his eyes - he likes plans. "I don't care much about the first part of the program
anyway."
Gilbert answers with a huge grin of his own, and a casual observer would probably notice how much the two brothers look like each other right
now. "Well then! I'll go close the corridor door, so if Vati comes to check on us, we'll hear him."
He jumps out of his seat again and gets out of the room, closing the door behind himself and pressing his back to it, and finally lets himself relax,
sliding on the wood until he's sitting on the floor. He looks at his hands. His nails dug a series of bloody half-moons in his palm.
Oh, God in Heaven, what is he doing!
Reply
Onkel is 'uncle', Vati is 'daddy', Bruder is 'brother', Bruderchen is 'little brother', and German is sexy.
Uh. Poor Gilbert feels so guilty. Also Attila it's the name of his horse, in case it's not clear. I still don't know what name give his little birdy.
And I'm still not sure about Gilbert calling
Germania 'Vati', because that strikes me as pretty intimate and at the time the parent-child relationship was much more formal that what it is
today.
If they sound a bit too sentimental for boys their age, remember that expressing your feelings loudly and in a way that sometimes seems cheesy to us
was normal at the time, especially for young people.
To ease my guilt a bit, I'd like to point out that in my country the age of consent is 14, so this is not technically illegal.
About next part, well, I do hope you like carriages. And beer. And bar brawls. And underage sex.
Reply
Reply
If 'Vati' feels too intimate, how about just 'Vater'? agreed, German is sexy and so is this fic
So stalking this.
Reply
I absolutely ADORE this. Shame, yes; good title, but technically not illegal in my country either. ~_^
reCaptcha: showcase year... ;A; We are aware of Ludwig's age recapthcaaaaa.
Reply
Reply
Reply
This fic just made me remember how much I love this pairing - and how it's been way too long since I last read Berlincest.
And guh, I love how you portrayed Gilbert's guilty conscience! Does guilt count as a kink? It's totally becoming my kink.
Dying for more, this is great!
Reply
Wow a historical piece that really feels like a slice of life from a hundred years ago! Thank you anon, now I can go to sleep happy.
Gilbert's emotions are so real and filled with the happy pain that comes with loving someone so much that it hurts while uplifting your spirit at the same time. I can't wait to read the next part of this.
Yes, this is like a train-wreck waiting to happen. I'm steeling myself for the next part, cuz I bet it's going to be amazing!
I L U anon, please write more. *bows to your skill* <3
Reply
Leave a comment