America for President (2/?)
anonymous
November 27 2009, 21:55:14 UTC
Arthur dropped his tea cup, not even noticing as it shattered at his feet and the hot tea soaked into his socks. He just stared at the TV, unable to comprehend the absurdity coming out of the reporter's mouth. They were highlighting a clip of the President's speech the other day. Normally, the contents of the speech would hardly be newsworthy in the UK, but this particular clip was not of the President, but of one Alfred F. Jones.
"I've never heard of anything like it before, Jane. Historically, the personifications of nations have taken a very hands-off approach. They don't go around announcing who they are, they don't have decision-making power, and they DON'T get involved in their nation's politics. It just isn't done! They represent the people, not rule over them."
"That's a good point, Richard. However, I have to respectfully disagree with you. Think about what he said. 'I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.' Perhaps there is something to this. Is it possible that decisions that people make can have an effect on the health of their nations?"
"That's a ludicrous notion. If that was true, don't you think someone would have done something about it long ago? Think of all the boneheaded decisions made throughout history. Think of the wars! If it had that kind of effect on the nations, do you really think they would have stood by and watched?"
"Good points, both of you, but that's all the time we have for--"
Arthur flipped the TV and picked up his phone. He had to know what he was thinking.
"Hey, Iggy! What's up? You never call me!"
Arthur's eye twitched. How could he be acting so nonchalant while his face is all over the news?
"What the hell are you thinking? Running for president of the United States? Where did you ever get such an asinine idea? You can't run for President!" He felt his fists clench as Alfred laughed on the other end of the line.
"Sure I can, Iggy! It says so in my Constitution! I have to be at least 35, and a natural born citizen living in the US for at least 14 years. I even have a birth certificate! It's called the Declaration of Independence!"
Arthur blinked a few times, then groaned. The idiot had obviously put a lot of thought into this. Maybe not before he made his statement, but definitely now that he had done it.
"Anyway, Iggy. If you were just calling to lecture me, can we do this another time? I have a press conference soon, and I have to start putting together my campaign staff. See ya!"
Before Arthur had a chance to protest, Alfred had hung up the phone. He sighed and started picking up the broken pieces of his tea cup. This was going to be an interesting election.
Re: America for President (2/?)
anonymous
November 27 2009, 23:49:59 UTC
I even have a birth certificate!
These things are very, very important! LOLZ For some reason, I feel the pundits would be the best part. They'd just go and make random ~sensational!~ statements that are completely bogus and just...it would be amazing. Sit down interviews! "What are your foreign relation policies?" *deadpan* "Well, you can't kiss on the first date."
OH GOD I CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE. Campaigns are already a circus, this should be AMAZING!
Re: America for President (2/?)
anonymous
November 28 2009, 02:09:16 UTC
Maybe the nation-tans should tell their people that the stuff that happens to the country happens to them also. >>
But oh Alfred. <3 I'd vote for you.
"I even have a birth certificate! It's called the Declaration of Independence!"
Why do I get the feeling that one/both of the parties would be like, "You can't prove you were born here!" And start all of that drama they did at the beginning of this term? -facepalm-
Re: America for President (2/?)
anonymous
November 28 2009, 04:59:32 UTC
Hilarious. I love it. He already has my vote~
"...natural born citizen living..." This one doesn't actually matter. Alfred is eligible for the exception, having been a citizen at the time they created the Constitution.
America for President (3/?): A Commercial Interlude
anonymous
November 29 2009, 04:53:13 UTC
"Hello America." Alfred was sitting on the side of a desk, hands clasped over his knee, clad in a navy blue suit, white shirt, and red tie.
"I'm Alfred F. Jones, and while I may seem like a new face to many of you, I think you'll find you've known me along." He stood, sticking his hands in his pockets.
"It's not everyday that someone decides to run for President of the United States. It's not a decision that should be made lightly," Alfred smiled with a half laugh, "Hey, it took me two hundred and forty years to make this decision myself." He lifted his foot onto the chair, and put a hand on his knee.
"But that's what makes me the most qualified to be your President. Do I have experience in office? No, of course not. But that doesn't mean that I haven't been there for every major decision made in this country since its founding. I've learned from our mistakes, because, just like you, I've felt their consequences."
Suddenly Alfred was walking down a path in a park, with children playing in the background, hands in his pockets again.
"I'm not in this for fame or power. I don't need it. I'll always be here. I'm doing this because I want to help you, the American people." Alfred stopped at a bench and put his foot up on it, with his hand on his knee, taking a moment to watch the children play before looking at the screen again., with a more serious expression.
"When you are suffering, from anything: recession, natural disasters, wars...I suffer, too. I know how you feel. And I know that for too long, too many American's voices have been lost to party lines and politicians just looking to keep their sponsors happy."
The scene cuts again, and Alfred is back in his original position on the desk.
"It's time to say no more, America! This year, remember to vote America, for Americans."
The camera zoomed in on Alfred as he grinned cheekily and gave a thumbs up.
"Let me be your hero!"
My name is Alfred F. Jones, and I approve this message. This message has been paid for by the Independent National Committee and the America for Americans Foundation.
America for President (4/?)
anonymous
November 30 2009, 15:38:59 UTC
Arthur walked up to Alfred's door and knocked. After a moment, the door opened itself, and he raised a brow, looking at it as he walked inside. Was it some new kind of magic? He'd have to ask Alfred about it. Speaking of him...
"Alfred! Where are you?" He looked around the house. There were all kinds of campaign materials littering the living room. He couldn't believe that he was seriously doing this.
"Arthur..."
He blinked a few times and looked around. Where did that come from? Was the place haunted now? He turned back around towards the door and blinked as Alfred was standing behind him. Something was off about him, though.
"Oh, there you are, Alfred. Are you really going on with this ridiculous charade?" Arthur blinked as Alfred sighed, hanging his head.
"I'm Matthew. I'm Alfred's campaign manager, and yes, he's still going through with this charade."
Arthur blinked a few times. Oh. Now that he mentioned it, he didn't look all that much like Alfred at all. He didn't need to sound so annoyed though.
"Yes, well, where is he then?" Arthur blinked, Matthew's words repeating in his mind again. "You're his campaign manager?"
Matthew flushed as he looked down at the clipboard in his hand. Had that always been there?
"Well, actually, first he asked me to be his Vice President. When I reminded him that I wasn't American, he asked me to be his First Lady. When I punched him, he asked me to do this instead. He's upstairs getting changed. He is giving a speech in Philadelphia in a few hours. Why don't you come with us? I got a call from one of our field operators. Apparently the line to get in is quite long already."
Arthur just blinked a few times. He was still having trouble wrapping his brain around something.
"His First Lady?" Matthew flushed, but before he could say anything else, Alfred walked into the room, adjusting his tie.
"Mattie! Do I really have to wear this- oh hey, Iggy! How's it going?" Before Arthur could answer, he was looking at Matthew. "What else do I have to do today?"
Arthur just watched as Matthew checked his clipboard.
"You said you wanted to meet your volunteer workers, so we're going to stop at your Philadelphia office and bring them pizzas." Alfred nodded, listening, as his phone started ringing. While Matthew turned to answer it, Alfred turned back to Arthur, who sighed, crossing his arms.
"You're certainly into this, aren't you? And how do you plan to handle your responsibilities as a nation if you are elected?" And Arthur didn't want to admit it, but even though the Independence Party was still relatively small, it had an impressive following after only a few weeks. He found himself wondering if Alfred could actually pull this off.
"How hard could it be? I think it would make things a lot easier, don't you? I mean, I get along with most of you guys great, better than my bosses ever got along with yours." Ah, so he hadn't thought of that yet.
"Al!" Matthew hurried over. "You were so right. The Republicans and the Democrats have filed separate suits demanding production of your birth certificate."
Arthur slapped his forehead as Alfred laughed. Who didn't see that coming from a mile away?
Re: America for President (4/?)
anonymous
November 30 2009, 22:06:58 UTC
I do too! And so does America, apparently. But Canada doesn't seem to agree. But surely, as America's campaign manager, he knows you can't be a bachelor and get elected these days.
I think the only president that was a bachelor was James Buchanan, and well, he's considered the worst president in history. Take that as you will.
America for President (5/?)
anonymous
December 2 2009, 02:56:22 UTC
Alfred loosened his tie as he walked out onto the stage, laughing a bit to himself as Matthew yelled at him for it. Nothing he could do about it now! He took the microphone from the stagehand, holding up his other hand in a wave as he walked out to center stage. The crowd was loud as it cheered for him. A group of girls' voices broke out from the side.
"You're our hero! Wooooooo!"
Why didn't he do this sooner?
"Hey everybody! Thanks for coming out today!"
He paused as everyone screamed. After a moment, he held up his hand, motioning for them to quiet down.
"We all know why I'm here today, so we'll get to that later. First, I want to take a minute to acknowledge why YOU are here!"
He motioned over the span of the crowd with his hand.
"You're here, because you're tired! You work hard everyday! Paying your bills. Raising your families. Getting your education." He counted off on his fingers as he spoke.
"And for what? You come home and have people on TV and in the newspaper telling you that you're not good enough because you don't think the way they do." He made a short waving gesture over his head.
"You struggle to pay your bills while others get paid to do nothing, simply on the circumstances of their birth." He waved his free arm in an exasperated motion, before moving it over his heart, clenching it in a fist.
"You go abroad on a hard earned vacation, and have to say you're Canadian to avoid getting spit on." He winced a bit slightly at the thought, before he shook his head and looked up at the crowd again.
"And you're tired of it. Tired of spending your lives working toward the Dream you don't think exists anymore. Tired of having to choose between two extremes that you don't agree with. Tired of being embarrassed..." He paused here and swallowed. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Arthur and Matthew standing with attentive looks on their faces.
"...you're tired of being embarrassed to be an American; of being hated for who you are. You're not forcing your life on anyone, but your voice is lost against the people who are."
He fell silent as the crowd burst into another loud round of yelling and cheering.
"And that--!" He waited as the crowd continued cheering. When they showed no signs of stopping, he continued anyway.
"And that's why I'm here, for you! I AM you! I know how you feel, America! When you hurt, so do I! I'm tired of watching as our nation becomes more and more divided. We have forgotten who we are. We forgot how we got here. We have forgotten those very basic principles upon which this country was founded! But I remember. I know. Because I was there."
He ran a hand through his hair. He probably should have written something before he came out here, but it just seemed so ingenuine! What else could he say?
"Every year, every day...more and more of our sons and daughters, our husbands, wives, mothers and fathers...they are sent out to save the world from itself. But...but who is going to save America? Not someone who is merely following his party lines. They won't reach across the aisle to work with the other side. Their ideologies and differences won't allow it. They are only concerned with representing one part of the whole, the part they come from."
He put his hand over his chest again, and he could feel his own voice rising more than he could hear it.
"They don't understand America like I do. And I want to help you take back America, for all Americans! Not just the rich or the poor, not a majority or a minority! You were born here and raised here, all the same! You came from overseas and worked hard to earn that title; to be able to say, 'I am an American!' So let me help you! America, let me be your hero!"
The crowd screamed madly, and some people started blowing foghorns. He looked to the side and couldn't help but laugh. Matthew was using Arthur's shoulder as a wall to bang his forehead on while Arthur was slapping his forehead.
They were just jealous they didn't have an awesome catchphrase.
"I've never heard of anything like it before, Jane. Historically, the personifications of nations have taken a very hands-off approach. They don't go around announcing who they are, they don't have decision-making power, and they DON'T get involved in their nation's politics. It just isn't done! They represent the people, not rule over them."
"That's a good point, Richard. However, I have to respectfully disagree with you. Think about what he said. 'I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.' Perhaps there is something to this. Is it possible that decisions that people make can have an effect on the health of their nations?"
"That's a ludicrous notion. If that was true, don't you think someone would have done something about it long ago? Think of all the boneheaded decisions made throughout history. Think of the wars! If it had that kind of effect on the nations, do you really think they would have stood by and watched?"
"Good points, both of you, but that's all the time we have for--"
Arthur flipped the TV and picked up his phone. He had to know what he was thinking.
"Hey, Iggy! What's up? You never call me!"
Arthur's eye twitched. How could he be acting so nonchalant while his face is all over the news?
"What the hell are you thinking? Running for president of the United States? Where did you ever get such an asinine idea? You can't run for President!" He felt his fists clench as Alfred laughed on the other end of the line.
"Sure I can, Iggy! It says so in my Constitution! I have to be at least 35, and a natural born citizen living in the US for at least 14 years. I even have a birth certificate! It's called the Declaration of Independence!"
Arthur blinked a few times, then groaned. The idiot had obviously put a lot of thought into this. Maybe not before he made his statement, but definitely now that he had done it.
"Anyway, Iggy. If you were just calling to lecture me, can we do this another time? I have a press conference soon, and I have to start putting together my campaign staff. See ya!"
Before Arthur had a chance to protest, Alfred had hung up the phone. He sighed and started picking up the broken pieces of his tea cup. This was going to be an interesting election.
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These things are very, very important! LOLZ For some reason, I feel the pundits would be the best part. They'd just go and make random ~sensational!~ statements that are completely bogus and just...it would be amazing. Sit down interviews! "What are your foreign relation policies?" *deadpan* "Well, you can't kiss on the first date."
OH GOD I CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE. Campaigns are already a circus, this should be AMAZING!
Reply
Awesome stuff author!anon, more soon I hope. :D
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HEY CAN I VOTE FOR CANADA TO BE MY PRIME MINISTER?! HE'D BE SO GOOD AT IT, AND I'M SICK OF THE TORIES AND THE GRITS!
xD Awesome fic, can't wait for more! *Stalks*
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But oh Alfred. <3 I'd vote for you.
"I even have a birth certificate! It's called the Declaration of Independence!"
Why do I get the feeling that one/both of the parties would be like, "You can't prove you were born here!" And start all of that drama they did at the beginning of this term? -facepalm-
Reply
"...natural born citizen living..."
This one doesn't actually matter. Alfred is eligible for the exception, having been a citizen at the time they created the Constitution.
Reply
Reply
"I'm Alfred F. Jones, and while I may seem like a new face to many of you, I think you'll find you've known me along." He stood, sticking his hands in his pockets.
"It's not everyday that someone decides to run for President of the United States. It's not a decision that should be made lightly," Alfred smiled with a half laugh, "Hey, it took me two hundred and forty years to make this decision myself." He lifted his foot onto the chair, and put a hand on his knee.
"But that's what makes me the most qualified to be your President. Do I have experience in office? No, of course not. But that doesn't mean that I haven't been there for every major decision made in this country since its founding. I've learned from our mistakes, because, just like you, I've felt their consequences."
Suddenly Alfred was walking down a path in a park, with children playing in the background, hands in his pockets again.
"I'm not in this for fame or power. I don't need it. I'll always be here. I'm doing this because I want to help you, the American people." Alfred stopped at a bench and put his foot up on it, with his hand on his knee, taking a moment to watch the children play before looking at the screen again., with a more serious expression.
"When you are suffering, from anything: recession, natural disasters, wars...I suffer, too. I know how you feel. And I know that for too long, too many American's voices have been lost to party lines and politicians just looking to keep their sponsors happy."
The scene cuts again, and Alfred is back in his original position on the desk.
"It's time to say no more, America! This year, remember to vote America, for Americans."
The camera zoomed in on Alfred as he grinned cheekily and gave a thumbs up.
"Let me be your hero!"
My name is Alfred F. Jones, and I approve this message. This message has been paid for by the Independent National Committee and the America for Americans Foundation.
Reply
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Captcha: routines Investigation. Does that mean that the other parties won't trust him?
Reply
This fill, this fill! It's so epic, I can't even - THAT LAST LINE OH MY GOD *worships forever*
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"Alfred! Where are you?" He looked around the house. There were all kinds of campaign materials littering the living room. He couldn't believe that he was seriously doing this.
"Arthur..."
He blinked a few times and looked around. Where did that come from? Was the place haunted now? He turned back around towards the door and blinked as Alfred was standing behind him. Something was off about him, though.
"Oh, there you are, Alfred. Are you really going on with this ridiculous charade?" Arthur blinked as Alfred sighed, hanging his head.
"I'm Matthew. I'm Alfred's campaign manager, and yes, he's still going through with this charade."
Arthur blinked a few times. Oh. Now that he mentioned it, he didn't look all that much like Alfred at all. He didn't need to sound so annoyed though.
"Yes, well, where is he then?" Arthur blinked, Matthew's words repeating in his mind again. "You're his campaign manager?"
Matthew flushed as he looked down at the clipboard in his hand. Had that always been there?
"Well, actually, first he asked me to be his Vice President. When I reminded him that I wasn't American, he asked me to be his First Lady. When I punched him, he asked me to do this instead. He's upstairs getting changed. He is giving a speech in Philadelphia in a few hours. Why don't you come with us? I got a call from one of our field operators. Apparently the line to get in is quite long already."
Arthur just blinked a few times. He was still having trouble wrapping his brain around something.
"His First Lady?" Matthew flushed, but before he could say anything else, Alfred walked into the room, adjusting his tie.
"Mattie! Do I really have to wear this- oh hey, Iggy! How's it going?" Before Arthur could answer, he was looking at Matthew. "What else do I have to do today?"
Arthur just watched as Matthew checked his clipboard.
"You said you wanted to meet your volunteer workers, so we're going to stop at your Philadelphia office and bring them pizzas." Alfred nodded, listening, as his phone started ringing. While Matthew turned to answer it, Alfred turned back to Arthur, who sighed, crossing his arms.
"You're certainly into this, aren't you? And how do you plan to handle your responsibilities as a nation if you are elected?" And Arthur didn't want to admit it, but even though the Independence Party was still relatively small, it had an impressive following after only a few weeks. He found himself wondering if Alfred could actually pull this off.
"How hard could it be? I think it would make things a lot easier, don't you? I mean, I get along with most of you guys great, better than my bosses ever got along with yours." Ah, so he hadn't thought of that yet.
"Al!" Matthew hurried over. "You were so right. The Republicans and the Democrats have filed separate suits demanding production of your birth certificate."
Arthur slapped his forehead as Alfred laughed. Who didn't see that coming from a mile away?
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I think the only president that was a bachelor was James Buchanan, and well, he's considered the worst president in history. Take that as you will.
Reply
"You're our hero! Wooooooo!"
Why didn't he do this sooner?
"Hey everybody! Thanks for coming out today!"
He paused as everyone screamed. After a moment, he held up his hand, motioning for them to quiet down.
"We all know why I'm here today, so we'll get to that later. First, I want to take a minute to acknowledge why YOU are here!"
He motioned over the span of the crowd with his hand.
"You're here, because you're tired! You work hard everyday! Paying your bills. Raising your families. Getting your education." He counted off on his fingers as he spoke.
"And for what? You come home and have people on TV and in the newspaper telling you that you're not good enough because you don't think the way they do." He made a short waving gesture over his head.
"You struggle to pay your bills while others get paid to do nothing, simply on the circumstances of their birth." He waved his free arm in an exasperated motion, before moving it over his heart, clenching it in a fist.
"You go abroad on a hard earned vacation, and have to say you're Canadian to avoid getting spit on." He winced a bit slightly at the thought, before he shook his head and looked up at the crowd again.
"And you're tired of it. Tired of spending your lives working toward the Dream you don't think exists anymore. Tired of having to choose between two extremes that you don't agree with. Tired of being embarrassed..." He paused here and swallowed. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Arthur and Matthew standing with attentive looks on their faces.
"...you're tired of being embarrassed to be an American; of being hated for who you are. You're not forcing your life on anyone, but your voice is lost against the people who are."
He fell silent as the crowd burst into another loud round of yelling and cheering.
"And that--!" He waited as the crowd continued cheering. When they showed no signs of stopping, he continued anyway.
"And that's why I'm here, for you! I AM you! I know how you feel, America! When you hurt, so do I! I'm tired of watching as our nation becomes more and more divided. We have forgotten who we are. We forgot how we got here. We have forgotten those very basic principles upon which this country was founded! But I remember. I know. Because I was there."
He ran a hand through his hair. He probably should have written something before he came out here, but it just seemed so ingenuine! What else could he say?
"Every year, every day...more and more of our sons and daughters, our husbands, wives, mothers and fathers...they are sent out to save the world from itself. But...but who is going to save America? Not someone who is merely following his party lines. They won't reach across the aisle to work with the other side. Their ideologies and differences won't allow it. They are only concerned with representing one part of the whole, the part they come from."
He put his hand over his chest again, and he could feel his own voice rising more than he could hear it.
"They don't understand America like I do. And I want to help you take back America, for all Americans! Not just the rich or the poor, not a majority or a minority! You were born here and raised here, all the same! You came from overseas and worked hard to earn that title; to be able to say, 'I am an American!' So let me help you! America, let me be your hero!"
The crowd screamed madly, and some people started blowing foghorns. He looked to the side and couldn't help but laugh. Matthew was using Arthur's shoulder as a wall to bang his forehead on while Arthur was slapping his forehead.
They were just jealous they didn't have an awesome catchphrase.
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