The shortest distance between two points is a loop...
Now is not the best time to write a live journal, though I haven't written one in a while, but it is the only thing I can think of doing to prevent myself from having a massive panic attack.
I feel like I have done a damn good job of keeping the pieces of my life together with all that has been going on with my brother the past couple of weeks, but sometimes you just have one of those days. I can normally go do things that take the edge off of what is gnawing away at my brain or at least talk it out (or hug it out, bitch...as Michael on The Office would say) to clear my head. However, not knowing if my brother will call or what number he could call from makes me habitually check my phone every 10 minutes. Why should I care, one might ask. He is legally an adult and has the right to make his own decisions, but he is also my little brother. From the time he was born he was always my friend, my doll to dress up and cart wherever I went, and most of all the little boy I looked after and worried about without anyone ever telling me to do so. He will always be that silly little kid who refused to take his new cowboy boots off when he went to sleep, who constantly ran away to our neighbor's house (where she would make him a cup of coffee at six years old and tell him his family would really miss him) and who bit me as hard as he could while my mom was taking a picture on a tractor. My brother is the most hard-headed person I have ever met and while this leads him to do dumb things and stick with them I still love him to death. I am sure you are aware of the whole ordeal by now, so I won't really go into details, but despite my fairly cool demeanor I am still worried sick about him. As much as I try to be the rock that keeps my family together I can't shake this nauseous sensation after getting off the phone with my parents, being so drained of consoling, bridging gaps in the puzzle, coming up with solutions to fix intangible problems and the reinstalling of fears and worries in my mind. I want to be there for my parents, and of course for my brother, I just want this situation to take a turn for the better and I feel like there is nothing within my power to change things, which is completely infuriating. Oye ve, at least I have a Smashing Pumpkins concert to attend this week and a trip to Boston this upcoming weekend to visit my dear friend Karen that could not possibly come at a better time. Tea party in Boston time!
Also anxiety about the GRE and applying to grad schools is not helping the mix. It is like the SAT all over again and I despised that standardized test as well.
I also want to send a special thank-you to a couple close friends: Matt, Karen, Meredith, Jacob and Austin. Without your kindness and willingness to listen to me vent I would most definitely be spazed-out wandering around some dark alley, pulling out my hair and mumbling unintelligible things to myself...so thank you for being there for me, you have no idea how much you have helped me to keep my sanity. I <3 you guys for being my rocks.
I need a break, a breather, something to help me to step outside of everything that is consuming my life so I can come back to it with a much clearer head.
Back to the books, thank you for your time.
I feel like I have done a damn good job of keeping the pieces of my life together with all that has been going on with my brother the past couple of weeks, but sometimes you just have one of those days. I can normally go do things that take the edge off of what is gnawing away at my brain or at least talk it out (or hug it out, bitch...as Michael on The Office would say) to clear my head. However, not knowing if my brother will call or what number he could call from makes me habitually check my phone every 10 minutes. Why should I care, one might ask. He is legally an adult and has the right to make his own decisions, but he is also my little brother. From the time he was born he was always my friend, my doll to dress up and cart wherever I went, and most of all the little boy I looked after and worried about without anyone ever telling me to do so. He will always be that silly little kid who refused to take his new cowboy boots off when he went to sleep, who constantly ran away to our neighbor's house (where she would make him a cup of coffee at six years old and tell him his family would really miss him) and who bit me as hard as he could while my mom was taking a picture on a tractor. My brother is the most hard-headed person I have ever met and while this leads him to do dumb things and stick with them I still love him to death. I am sure you are aware of the whole ordeal by now, so I won't really go into details, but despite my fairly cool demeanor I am still worried sick about him. As much as I try to be the rock that keeps my family together I can't shake this nauseous sensation after getting off the phone with my parents, being so drained of consoling, bridging gaps in the puzzle, coming up with solutions to fix intangible problems and the reinstalling of fears and worries in my mind. I want to be there for my parents, and of course for my brother, I just want this situation to take a turn for the better and I feel like there is nothing within my power to change things, which is completely infuriating. Oye ve, at least I have a Smashing Pumpkins concert to attend this week and a trip to Boston this upcoming weekend to visit my dear friend Karen that could not possibly come at a better time. Tea party in Boston time!
Also anxiety about the GRE and applying to grad schools is not helping the mix. It is like the SAT all over again and I despised that standardized test as well.
I also want to send a special thank-you to a couple close friends: Matt, Karen, Meredith, Jacob and Austin. Without your kindness and willingness to listen to me vent I would most definitely be spazed-out wandering around some dark alley, pulling out my hair and mumbling unintelligible things to myself...so thank you for being there for me, you have no idea how much you have helped me to keep my sanity. I <3 you guys for being my rocks.
I need a break, a breather, something to help me to step outside of everything that is consuming my life so I can come back to it with a much clearer head.
Back to the books, thank you for your time.