What's wrong with my life today?
Didn't make it to school today. I was feeling nauseated, cold, my head was pounding, and I couldn't stop shaking. Actually, I'd felt kind of messed up all day yesterday at school, and I couldn't focus for the life of me. Even now I'm having trouble typing. Yesterday I stayed after class to catch up on some things for pottery, and I was having trouble keeping my hand steady, due to how icy my fingers felt. And I kept hallucinating...the oddest things...
Which reminds me. Not last night, but the night before, I couldn't sleep, or maintain a solid sleep, anyhow. My thoughts kept racing, then suddenly coming to a halt, where I couldn't think of anything, then picking up rapidly again. All of these random, inconsequential images and memories and words came spilling into my mind, or out of subconciousness... it was driving me insane. Then last night I had a dream, and all I remember was the repeated thought that I was a freak, unfit for human contact, I didn't do or like "normal human things" (whatever that means), and I woke up shaking violently, with a strange urge to slam my head against the wall. I had this debhilitating sense that there was something important that I'd failed at, but I couldn't grasp what it was.
I feel like all of this misery is self-induced. Honestly, do I just want to be ill? My health is failing, and though I constantly missed school last year, I was just being a loser, I really wasn't sick most of the time. But now I genuinely feel...wrong. Uneasy, too. And there's nothing actually wrong in my life, is there? Maybe it's just that things are changing, and the consequential decrease in stability is making me nervous. I'm aware that the stage of life I've maintained (roughly) for the past 12 years is drawing to a close...of course I'm referring to graduation and moving on to college. And that will bring change. Most of the people I've come to know, I'll lose contact with. I probably won't see them again after highschool. I'm comfortable with that. The only people I'm really hoping to maintain contact with are Thalo, Ashley, and Austin. That's not to say I don't care for my other friends; I just see us drifting all the time. Thalo, you have been a rock since freshman year. While I never try to bog you down with dependency, I want you to know that your stability...secures me. I have a hard time with unsteady people. You're just one of those people I feel I really click with, like I've hit a balance. Anya, your...stability issues aside, you're a great support, with a lot of intelligent and pertinent things to say, whether you realize it or not. And Oz, it's a given that I want to stay in contact with you.
As for Kallen, I don't want to lose touch, by any means. But I know your plans differ from mine, it sounds like you might even pursue the career of actress, and hey, we'll go our separate ways. Lindsey and I were talking about something, and she made a comment about how "little people can't sound big." ^^() I think you know where this is going. I of course had to say, "Not true. Kallen." And Lindsey said, "Well, yeah, but Kallen's only small on the outside." And I said, "True; on the inside she's huge!" XD And we both came to the consensus that you, Kallen, are much bigger than you look. You're a strong person and I don't worry too much about losing sight of you, because I know--not hope, but know--that you're going to kick ass at whatever you do, because you're so filled with the fire to do it. :D If you do pursue acting, maybe I'll see you on stage or on film anyway. ^___^
And then, there's Brandi. I understand that we're at entirely different points in life. Her highschool years are about to start as mine are about to end. She'll always be my sister, and that's a stability that time itself can't alter, which is..an enormous relief to me. It's a connection that eases my worries for her. Ultimately, Brandi, I just want your happiness. I know it's been at least partially my fault for our recent detachment, but I'm not worried. I'm in a series of phases where I'm trying to strike a balance, in almost everything. I have made attempts to address you, some successfully, others not so much. If you want to talk to me, whether it be kindly or cruelly, I'll listen. Even if I'm not important to you anymore, you will always, always be important to me. I'm sorry if I've ever let you down or made you think otherwise, and I'll continue to try to be better.
Which reminds me. Not last night, but the night before, I couldn't sleep, or maintain a solid sleep, anyhow. My thoughts kept racing, then suddenly coming to a halt, where I couldn't think of anything, then picking up rapidly again. All of these random, inconsequential images and memories and words came spilling into my mind, or out of subconciousness... it was driving me insane. Then last night I had a dream, and all I remember was the repeated thought that I was a freak, unfit for human contact, I didn't do or like "normal human things" (whatever that means), and I woke up shaking violently, with a strange urge to slam my head against the wall. I had this debhilitating sense that there was something important that I'd failed at, but I couldn't grasp what it was.
I feel like all of this misery is self-induced. Honestly, do I just want to be ill? My health is failing, and though I constantly missed school last year, I was just being a loser, I really wasn't sick most of the time. But now I genuinely feel...wrong. Uneasy, too. And there's nothing actually wrong in my life, is there? Maybe it's just that things are changing, and the consequential decrease in stability is making me nervous. I'm aware that the stage of life I've maintained (roughly) for the past 12 years is drawing to a close...of course I'm referring to graduation and moving on to college. And that will bring change. Most of the people I've come to know, I'll lose contact with. I probably won't see them again after highschool. I'm comfortable with that. The only people I'm really hoping to maintain contact with are Thalo, Ashley, and Austin. That's not to say I don't care for my other friends; I just see us drifting all the time. Thalo, you have been a rock since freshman year. While I never try to bog you down with dependency, I want you to know that your stability...secures me. I have a hard time with unsteady people. You're just one of those people I feel I really click with, like I've hit a balance. Anya, your...stability issues aside, you're a great support, with a lot of intelligent and pertinent things to say, whether you realize it or not. And Oz, it's a given that I want to stay in contact with you.
As for Kallen, I don't want to lose touch, by any means. But I know your plans differ from mine, it sounds like you might even pursue the career of actress, and hey, we'll go our separate ways. Lindsey and I were talking about something, and she made a comment about how "little people can't sound big." ^^() I think you know where this is going. I of course had to say, "Not true. Kallen." And Lindsey said, "Well, yeah, but Kallen's only small on the outside." And I said, "True; on the inside she's huge!" XD And we both came to the consensus that you, Kallen, are much bigger than you look. You're a strong person and I don't worry too much about losing sight of you, because I know--not hope, but know--that you're going to kick ass at whatever you do, because you're so filled with the fire to do it. :D If you do pursue acting, maybe I'll see you on stage or on film anyway. ^___^
And then, there's Brandi. I understand that we're at entirely different points in life. Her highschool years are about to start as mine are about to end. She'll always be my sister, and that's a stability that time itself can't alter, which is..an enormous relief to me. It's a connection that eases my worries for her. Ultimately, Brandi, I just want your happiness. I know it's been at least partially my fault for our recent detachment, but I'm not worried. I'm in a series of phases where I'm trying to strike a balance, in almost everything. I have made attempts to address you, some successfully, others not so much. If you want to talk to me, whether it be kindly or cruelly, I'll listen. Even if I'm not important to you anymore, you will always, always be important to me. I'm sorry if I've ever let you down or made you think otherwise, and I'll continue to try to be better.