Therapy Session #3
[Set after this.]
He didn't expect Isaac to be there and yet Peter looked around, obviously hopeful. He didn't find him and his hands tightened on the messenger bag he had slung across his body.
Beckoned into the office, he moved to his favorite chair and pulled it around as always. Straddling that chair was becoming his couch and he settled himself with the bag still across him, resting against his thigh.
"Is it a bad thing to do things for other people?" He hadn't meant to blurt it out but it was on his mind again.
"I don't think you mean like charity so I'm going to say it depends on how you mean." Christina smiled at that. "Do you want to talk about how you mean it?"
Looking up at her, Peter smiled a little. "I like how you do that. How you ask questions without asking them. I mean, I don't think you'd be mad if I said no, I don't want to talk about it."
"I wouldn't,' she agreed, echoing his smile. "Now talk about it,' she said, tones light enough that it was obvious she was teasing.
"Rachel and I had lunch and she made it clear she was interested in having more, she assured me she didn't expect more but... she was flirting, and we talked about that she's fantasized about us and..."
"And,' she prompted, knowing he would go on yet he'd made it clear he needed to know she wanted to hear more.
"And I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy. What if I'm ruining that pining after two men I can't have, and if I could have would be destroying the life of another if I was with one of them."
Silence settled over them a moment and Peter realized Christina was working on sorting out what he was saying.
"Peter, what's the last thing you did for yourself? Not for your family, your friends or even work but what's the last thing you did for yourself?"
He fell silent. This time Christina didn't interupt it.
"When I walked out of my parents because they tried to hook me up with Simone."
Another moment, a breath.
"And before that, Peter?"
He had to think about it. Everything he could think of was for another, even for Isaac which he saw as very noble.
"Lacey. When I got... Does rescuing Lacey count? I mean, I did it for me though my family told me I wasn't responsible enough for a dog but I was saving her too. She was a basket case when I got her and she's come so far in a year." He canted his head. "Does that count?"
Christina nodded. "Yeah, that counts. So in the last year, let's say, you've done something for yourself twice?"
"Three times."
"What was the third?"
He smiled, brushing his bangs back from his eyes. "I'm here."
That got him a bright smile which only made Peter smile more. "Your feelings for Gabriel and Isaac aside for a moment, can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with Rachel?"
He didn't answer instantly, wasn't flippant about it. "I think I could make her happy. I could take care of her and give her the family and home she deserves."
"Is that what you want to do? Give her the family and home she deserves?"
Once more he took time to think it over. "I don't know what I want. Or I do and I can't have it so what's the point of wanting it?"
***
Stepping out of the office, Peter couldn't stop thinking about Christina's words, echoing over and over again in his head. Her questions for him to consider for their next appointment.
What is it that would make you happy? What is it you deserve, Peter?
He didn't expect Isaac to be there and yet Peter looked around, obviously hopeful. He didn't find him and his hands tightened on the messenger bag he had slung across his body.
Beckoned into the office, he moved to his favorite chair and pulled it around as always. Straddling that chair was becoming his couch and he settled himself with the bag still across him, resting against his thigh.
"Is it a bad thing to do things for other people?" He hadn't meant to blurt it out but it was on his mind again.
"I don't think you mean like charity so I'm going to say it depends on how you mean." Christina smiled at that. "Do you want to talk about how you mean it?"
Looking up at her, Peter smiled a little. "I like how you do that. How you ask questions without asking them. I mean, I don't think you'd be mad if I said no, I don't want to talk about it."
"I wouldn't,' she agreed, echoing his smile. "Now talk about it,' she said, tones light enough that it was obvious she was teasing.
"Rachel and I had lunch and she made it clear she was interested in having more, she assured me she didn't expect more but... she was flirting, and we talked about that she's fantasized about us and..."
"And,' she prompted, knowing he would go on yet he'd made it clear he needed to know she wanted to hear more.
"And I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy. What if I'm ruining that pining after two men I can't have, and if I could have would be destroying the life of another if I was with one of them."
Silence settled over them a moment and Peter realized Christina was working on sorting out what he was saying.
"Peter, what's the last thing you did for yourself? Not for your family, your friends or even work but what's the last thing you did for yourself?"
He fell silent. This time Christina didn't interupt it.
"When I walked out of my parents because they tried to hook me up with Simone."
Another moment, a breath.
"And before that, Peter?"
He had to think about it. Everything he could think of was for another, even for Isaac which he saw as very noble.
"Lacey. When I got... Does rescuing Lacey count? I mean, I did it for me though my family told me I wasn't responsible enough for a dog but I was saving her too. She was a basket case when I got her and she's come so far in a year." He canted his head. "Does that count?"
Christina nodded. "Yeah, that counts. So in the last year, let's say, you've done something for yourself twice?"
"Three times."
"What was the third?"
He smiled, brushing his bangs back from his eyes. "I'm here."
That got him a bright smile which only made Peter smile more. "Your feelings for Gabriel and Isaac aside for a moment, can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with Rachel?"
He didn't answer instantly, wasn't flippant about it. "I think I could make her happy. I could take care of her and give her the family and home she deserves."
"Is that what you want to do? Give her the family and home she deserves?"
Once more he took time to think it over. "I don't know what I want. Or I do and I can't have it so what's the point of wanting it?"
***
Stepping out of the office, Peter couldn't stop thinking about Christina's words, echoing over and over again in his head. Her questions for him to consider for their next appointment.
What is it that would make you happy? What is it you deserve, Peter?