Therapy Session #2
Peter hadn't expected Isaac to be there when he got there. This time it didn't panic him. Not as much as it had two days before. Christina indicated whatever chair he wanted and, once more, Peter spun one around to straddle it.
This time Peter didn't wait for her to start things.
"The cops saw Rachel last night. Wanted to know about Gabriel. Yeah... he's sort of wanted and... and I miss him more than I let on because Isaac doesn't need that shit, neither does Rachel. She's having enough trouble with it all. They dragged her in and wanted to know what she knew and..."
He paused then to take a breath, running his hand through his hair. Christina, to her benefit, said nothing.
"So you wanted to know how losing Gabriel affected my other relationships? Okay. So my parents? Never knew he existed. Not as part of my life. Jesus, I can't even imagine their reaction if I told them I was bisexual. So even if he hadn't gone, I wouldn't have told them. I can't even be open about it. My brother... he's a politician and..."
He sighed. "You know how this country is about homosexuality."
"Are you protecting your parents as well?" As well. She got that his actions with Nathan were to protect his brother's career.
Peter shook his head. "No. Just don't want Nathan to get put in the middle. If they disowned me, he'd be the one to pay, not me."
"Do you want to talk about with the others?"
"Rachel's obvious. We're both in mourning. We lost someone we love. Neither of us is handling it well. Now the cops are giving her shit and she...' He needed to learn to finish sentences. "She deserves better than this, than being a suspect or an accesssory or whatever they think she is and she... she deserves more than one guy she loves leaving her and the other being so confused and tied up in his goddamn sexuality that he isn't even sure what to say and do."
The smartest thing a therapist can learn is one to ask, and when to stay quiet and let the patient talk.
"Gabriel was the first guy I've ever... I've ever felt this way about. I've never been with a guy but with Gabriel there was this instant attraction. He was sweet and shy and yet there was this amazing strength to him. He'd done so much and he never let either of us give up. That's why we aren't giving up on him now."
Christina was making notes but her attention was on Peter despite the writing. "Do you want to talk about how you feel about your sexuality?"
With that Peter dropped his gaze, staring at the floor in front of him. "I don't know how I feel. I know I was in love with Gabriel. I know that Isaac... He's straight. No matter what I think or how I feel, it doesn't matter and I suck at keeping it to myself. I need to get better at it. That's part of the drinking, you know? I need to stop because when I'm not drinking I'm better at letting him be. I need to. I need him as my friend, as my house mate, more than I need him as anything more."
"Can I ask what you mean by need?"
"I don't know." Peter looked up at her and he was actually smiling. It was a soft, sad smile but he was smiling. "I just know I do. How lame is that?"
Christina shook her head. "Not lame at all, Peter. It's seen as a good thing by many to need someone. You obviously need more than Isaac. You've shown that."
That got her a nod. "I do. I need Rachel. I need Nathan. I just... I told Isaac maybe the best idea was me to make things work with Rachel and forget these other desires and all. She'd have everything she ever wanted. Isaac wouldn't have to worry about his bi roomie hitting on him and my family would be happy."
"Is that what you want?"
Peter just stared at the floor. He could hear distant sounds, he could hear her breathing, the pounding of his own heart. Christina was patient with not even a rustle of skirts as he stared at the floor.
"What I want and what's right isn't always the same thing,' he whispered, not bothering to look up. "Can we be done now,' he asked, hugging the back of the chair tightly.
"Yeah, Peter. We can be done now. See you Wednesday?"
He nodded, rising. "I'll see you then,' he vowed, moving to step outside and see if Isaac was back yet.
This time Peter didn't wait for her to start things.
"The cops saw Rachel last night. Wanted to know about Gabriel. Yeah... he's sort of wanted and... and I miss him more than I let on because Isaac doesn't need that shit, neither does Rachel. She's having enough trouble with it all. They dragged her in and wanted to know what she knew and..."
He paused then to take a breath, running his hand through his hair. Christina, to her benefit, said nothing.
"So you wanted to know how losing Gabriel affected my other relationships? Okay. So my parents? Never knew he existed. Not as part of my life. Jesus, I can't even imagine their reaction if I told them I was bisexual. So even if he hadn't gone, I wouldn't have told them. I can't even be open about it. My brother... he's a politician and..."
He sighed. "You know how this country is about homosexuality."
"Are you protecting your parents as well?" As well. She got that his actions with Nathan were to protect his brother's career.
Peter shook his head. "No. Just don't want Nathan to get put in the middle. If they disowned me, he'd be the one to pay, not me."
"Do you want to talk about with the others?"
"Rachel's obvious. We're both in mourning. We lost someone we love. Neither of us is handling it well. Now the cops are giving her shit and she...' He needed to learn to finish sentences. "She deserves better than this, than being a suspect or an accesssory or whatever they think she is and she... she deserves more than one guy she loves leaving her and the other being so confused and tied up in his goddamn sexuality that he isn't even sure what to say and do."
The smartest thing a therapist can learn is one to ask, and when to stay quiet and let the patient talk.
"Gabriel was the first guy I've ever... I've ever felt this way about. I've never been with a guy but with Gabriel there was this instant attraction. He was sweet and shy and yet there was this amazing strength to him. He'd done so much and he never let either of us give up. That's why we aren't giving up on him now."
Christina was making notes but her attention was on Peter despite the writing. "Do you want to talk about how you feel about your sexuality?"
With that Peter dropped his gaze, staring at the floor in front of him. "I don't know how I feel. I know I was in love with Gabriel. I know that Isaac... He's straight. No matter what I think or how I feel, it doesn't matter and I suck at keeping it to myself. I need to get better at it. That's part of the drinking, you know? I need to stop because when I'm not drinking I'm better at letting him be. I need to. I need him as my friend, as my house mate, more than I need him as anything more."
"Can I ask what you mean by need?"
"I don't know." Peter looked up at her and he was actually smiling. It was a soft, sad smile but he was smiling. "I just know I do. How lame is that?"
Christina shook her head. "Not lame at all, Peter. It's seen as a good thing by many to need someone. You obviously need more than Isaac. You've shown that."
That got her a nod. "I do. I need Rachel. I need Nathan. I just... I told Isaac maybe the best idea was me to make things work with Rachel and forget these other desires and all. She'd have everything she ever wanted. Isaac wouldn't have to worry about his bi roomie hitting on him and my family would be happy."
"Is that what you want?"
Peter just stared at the floor. He could hear distant sounds, he could hear her breathing, the pounding of his own heart. Christina was patient with not even a rustle of skirts as he stared at the floor.
"What I want and what's right isn't always the same thing,' he whispered, not bothering to look up. "Can we be done now,' he asked, hugging the back of the chair tightly.
"Yeah, Peter. We can be done now. See you Wednesday?"
He nodded, rising. "I'll see you then,' he vowed, moving to step outside and see if Isaac was back yet.