911 5 year anniversary 1week away
This is going to be a messed up very hard to understand entry which may just be given up on. There will be many spelling and grammar mistakes because, well, I am not a writer. I have lived on this earth for 19 years and 3 months. What have I learned? I have probably asked myself this question 100 billion times and the clarity of the answer fades in and out. When I was born I was born into an immediate family of 4. My mom, my dad, my sister and myself. They were the teachers(myself included). Six years after me, my brother, Jack was born. I learned to walk, talk, eat, sleep and laugh through these people and I can't help but wonder if the teachings that had been taught to me by these original people will stay with me for as long as I live. Let me start where my life ended and where I am getting at this all this blabber.
Late July 2001
I have spent the most this summer going from Upstate NY to Yonkers NY seeing my family. The summer was mainly the same. I had my first year of high school to look forward to, finally a big kid. I remember thinking about the title "Freshman at Liverpool High school." We had planned one more vacation before I embarked on the yearly tradition of back to school shopping. A trip to Cape May. Cape May is a small vacation area in South New Jersey. My mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, brother and my mom's sister's family went. We also celebrated my sister being pregnant. She was three months pregnant and enjoyed the rest of the summer because she wouldn't start to show till the fall. I had an amazing time. The cool ocean waves felt great against my skin on the hot 90 degree day. I spent time with my sister and got to know her husband. All in all everyone had an amazing time. As incredible as it was, many storm clouds were just overlooking the horizon.
Mid-August 2001
I was mentally preparing myself for school. The fact that the freedom to sleep and ignore the responsibilities was gradually coming to an end was barely believable. My mom gets a phone call it was my Great Aunt, whom my sister moved in with, along with her husband months before. My Aunt was crying to mother and saying how my sister had threatened to kick her out of her apartment because her rent was not being paid for. The apartment had been in my family since my sister was little. My mom lived in that apartment and raised my sister through the younger portion of her childhood. When confronted with this my sister and brother-in-law responded with language that I used when I was in middle school. The "fuck you's" and claims of "bull-shit" could not persuade my family to forgive them for treating my Aunt like a piece of property" The entire family responded with a isolation from my sister. They blocked her out until her and her husband could behave in a fashion that would be considered semi-adult. I remained on speaking terms with my sister because she was my teacher ever since I started on this earth. I was not about to forget how much she has taught me. However I did not speak to my brother-in-law who used rude language toward my Mom and Dad, again I will not turn away from my first teachers. Could this situation be worse.
September 10th 2001
I was a freshman. Finally I could say I am in high school. I had begun my classes all of which were run differently then middle school and elementary school. I had the mentality that I would do well in school. I had the mentality that I would have friends and we would hang out on weekends. I had the mentality that I would not be sad to go to school and I could hold my head high as I marched through the halls. I went through and spent that day like I have any other day. I came home that day excited because I had little work to do and it was a nice summer day I could still enjoy my summer although the vacation was over. My parents were in Toronto that week for the premiere of my Father's movie. I talked the them on the phone. They had an incredible time and had some unforgettable experiences, little did they know the unforgettable experience was yet to come. I called my sister that day. We talked for a good hour, going back to when I was three and she took me to college classes with her. She loved to show me around. She wanted the world to know that she had a little brother and that she loved me more than anything. One particular time that stands out more then anything was the time I was unwelcome in one of her classes. The professor said I was not aloud to be brought back to class. Rather then just accept that, my sister dropped the class. To me that was heroic. After an hour or so of talking my sister insisted I talk to my Brother-In-Law. As reluctant as I was I spoke with him. Afterwards I told my sister I could not handle talking with him until the whole argument blew over. I was young and assumed that it would blow over. As I said I was young and every situation before had been resolved. My sister then started to scold me which gets on my nerved and I hung out stated that I would talk to her tomorrow. Why was I so young and foolish?
September 11 2001
I woke up that morning and it was a beautiful summer morning. I had history that morning. The teacher I had for it was a nice guy but the class was very dull. I was sleeping. He then made an announcement to the class that he wanted to turn the TV on because something had happened in New York. I continued to sleep. I then woke up and it was second period(I had 1st and second period in the same class). I had awoke the horrifying image that still makes a cameo appearance on CNN, ABC, any news station you can think of. The two towers smoking and all anyone knew is that something went terribly wrong. I went back to sleep. I awoke to a thought. It was just a random idea. My sister had two job offerings. But where? Well one was for Coca Cola. The other one was for a small company in Manhattan. This company was on the 93rd floor of World Trade Center tower 2. I was unsure so I went down to the office and called my grandma. She sounded distressed. She told me my sister had called and stated that she was fine and was leaving. I didn't know what to do. I had my plans to do well . I couldn't possibly do well leaving halfway through the day I needed to stay. My neighbor came and picked me up. By the time she got to the school I was crying. I have realized that no matter the outcome by the end of this whole ordeal things would be different. My parents made it across the border right before they closed them. That night I feel asleep, my face completely covered in tears.
September 12 2001
What could I do? I couldn't go to school. What do I do? I can't just sit there. This was the first time I ever saw my father cry. I had nothing to do I could barely breath. To think my life could actually change, I was only 14. Later that morning I went online and got numbers to every surrounding hospital in NYC, Connecticut, New Jersey and Westchester County. I must have called everyone one. From the moment I started to the moment I finished I had got any closer to finding my sister. As the day went on we knew we had to go down there. We drove to my Aunt Robin's house in Yonkers where we stayed the night. The one good thing about a tragedy is everyone drops any differences they have, swallows their pride and hugs one another. You can never feel unloved during a tragedy. I know its horrible to say. The next morning I would set foot into the city where my sister had been seen last. The anticipation was killing me. This was another night I wore the sleeping mask of tears.
September 13 2001
This morning I woke up and had a lot of hope. We had the most gorgeous picture of my sister. She looked like a porcelain doll. Today strangers can look at her picture and get a tear in their eye. We made copies of the picture at a store around the corner from my aunts. My dad, uncle Joe and I took a bus into Manhattan. At that point I couldn't remember the last time I went to NYC but I assumed it was with my sister. The terrible things that had happened in NYC over the years I heard about but I was not nervous one bit. My father was a former black belt and my uncle, a body builder with a background in Jujitsu. I felt protected. The city was a much different place from what I could remember. The expressions of people were not anxious and no one bumped into me. Everyone walked slowly down the streets. The sides of buildings were covered with pictures of others who where missing. Wait, more people were experiencing the tragedy? Another thing about a tragedy is it never happens to anyone else, in your eyes, your the only one who experiences it. We walked down towards where the World Trade Center once stood. Miles away from the World Trade Center and we could still see thick black smoke filling the air. We walked to the armory that was set up as a base for all of New York city Police, New York City's Fire Department, the military, and survivors from the collapse. The armory was walled with tables seating many of NYPD Detectives. I had to give a saliva sample. "Why do they need a DNA sample to identify someone alive?" I asked this that day, I didn't get an answer. We posted my sister's picture all over Manhattan. I wanted to blanket that city in photos of her, I wanted to see her smiling again. I was not going to accept that fact that the only smiling face of hers I would see again, would be in that photo. We went back to my Aunts learning no more than we knew when we rode in that morning.
I did not go back to school till Monday of that following week. How could I possibly go back? My world from when I was 1 till 14 had not changed up until 9/11/01 and I have never completely recovered from it.
1 Month After the Attack
My Mother and I took another trip downstate. A ceremony, by where the towers once stood, was going to be put in place for 9/11 victim's families and George W. Bush, the hero that he is, was going to make one of his glorious speeches that have no purpose. We wanted to be there because we believed that my sister was in there. Thousands of people were there and made it impossible for us to see. The NYPD kept trying to get more people into the area where the explosion of tragedy had occurred but State Troopers had taken control of the area and denied access to late comers such as ourselves. My Mom saw a police officer standing at a corner and cried on his shoulder because she needed a glimpse of my sister's grave site. The cop was very young, African American, and had the expression of empathy. We were driven in by police van in the middle of all the destruction. The smell was indescribable but it fit because so was the situation. I could see buildings with desks knocked over and papers scattered around these exposed offices. I think that’s when the whole situation really upset me. Within the few minutes that we stood by those buildings I realized the tragedy that we faced. Not "we" as in my family "we" as in everyone directly affected by today's events. Someone worked in that office. Someone typed up those papers. Somebody, other than my sister worked in that building. That day I will never forget and I knew I wouldn't. How can you?
Late January 2002
We had 2 memorial services in my sisters name. They were in October and November of the previous year. We even had a Tombstone engraved with her name. The most unimaginable news was reported around this time. My sister's body was recovered and identified. It was her. She wasn't missing, she was dead. Excuse the graphic talk but her body was found completely intact. She had made it out of that building before they collapsed. If she had left a little sooner. If she had been told to leave immediately rather then to sit at her desk. Why didn't they just evacuate after the first place hit? I don't expect that question to ever be answered. With that piece of news I should have the closure I need to continue with my life, right? I don't think I have that closure yet.
April 2005
My last year of high school. I had enjoyed my last year as opposed the past 3 years which I hated to no end. I was on spring break and I was going to spend a weekend downstate. I drove the car down with my cousin Laura who attends school at SUNY Oswego. I called my brother-in-law, who I haven't really talked to since I was 14. We went out to a bar around the corner and had lunch. This day was also his four year wedding anniversary with my sister. 4 years ago they eloped at Cape May. It was hard to see my brother-in-law. He had begun smoking again(my sister got him to quit) and he had gained weight. He also put up this smile which you could see was a cover for a man who had been shattered of the one person he cared about.
End of July 2005
My Brother-in-law is rushed to Nyack hospital. I haven't seen him since he showed up at my graduation party in June. The doctors said he had Scrorsis of the Liver. Another thing I forgot to mention about my Brother-in-law is he was a heavy drinker since he was about 17. My family rushed downstate leaving me and my brother at home. He had made it through the night. The way my dad described it, his skin was a yellowish color and he was disoriented. He was moved to a better hospital in Manhattan. There he died a couple days later. After my sister I said I would not be able to handle another death. People would say that I handled it but then again its a year later and I am still not over. Did I really handle it?
September 2006(Present)
I am 19 years and 3 months old. I go to school at SUNY Oswego and I am an EMT/Fire Fighter where I live. I want to be there for people. I want tragedy to be minimized and I don't want anyone to go through what my family and I have. Did I feel that way five years ago? My view on the world has changed immensely from when I was 14 but I still don't understand why 2 of my closest family members could be taken. I believe everything happens for a reason. I just need to know that reason....
Late July 2001
I have spent the most this summer going from Upstate NY to Yonkers NY seeing my family. The summer was mainly the same. I had my first year of high school to look forward to, finally a big kid. I remember thinking about the title "Freshman at Liverpool High school." We had planned one more vacation before I embarked on the yearly tradition of back to school shopping. A trip to Cape May. Cape May is a small vacation area in South New Jersey. My mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, brother and my mom's sister's family went. We also celebrated my sister being pregnant. She was three months pregnant and enjoyed the rest of the summer because she wouldn't start to show till the fall. I had an amazing time. The cool ocean waves felt great against my skin on the hot 90 degree day. I spent time with my sister and got to know her husband. All in all everyone had an amazing time. As incredible as it was, many storm clouds were just overlooking the horizon.
Mid-August 2001
I was mentally preparing myself for school. The fact that the freedom to sleep and ignore the responsibilities was gradually coming to an end was barely believable. My mom gets a phone call it was my Great Aunt, whom my sister moved in with, along with her husband months before. My Aunt was crying to mother and saying how my sister had threatened to kick her out of her apartment because her rent was not being paid for. The apartment had been in my family since my sister was little. My mom lived in that apartment and raised my sister through the younger portion of her childhood. When confronted with this my sister and brother-in-law responded with language that I used when I was in middle school. The "fuck you's" and claims of "bull-shit" could not persuade my family to forgive them for treating my Aunt like a piece of property" The entire family responded with a isolation from my sister. They blocked her out until her and her husband could behave in a fashion that would be considered semi-adult. I remained on speaking terms with my sister because she was my teacher ever since I started on this earth. I was not about to forget how much she has taught me. However I did not speak to my brother-in-law who used rude language toward my Mom and Dad, again I will not turn away from my first teachers. Could this situation be worse.
September 10th 2001
I was a freshman. Finally I could say I am in high school. I had begun my classes all of which were run differently then middle school and elementary school. I had the mentality that I would do well in school. I had the mentality that I would have friends and we would hang out on weekends. I had the mentality that I would not be sad to go to school and I could hold my head high as I marched through the halls. I went through and spent that day like I have any other day. I came home that day excited because I had little work to do and it was a nice summer day I could still enjoy my summer although the vacation was over. My parents were in Toronto that week for the premiere of my Father's movie. I talked the them on the phone. They had an incredible time and had some unforgettable experiences, little did they know the unforgettable experience was yet to come. I called my sister that day. We talked for a good hour, going back to when I was three and she took me to college classes with her. She loved to show me around. She wanted the world to know that she had a little brother and that she loved me more than anything. One particular time that stands out more then anything was the time I was unwelcome in one of her classes. The professor said I was not aloud to be brought back to class. Rather then just accept that, my sister dropped the class. To me that was heroic. After an hour or so of talking my sister insisted I talk to my Brother-In-Law. As reluctant as I was I spoke with him. Afterwards I told my sister I could not handle talking with him until the whole argument blew over. I was young and assumed that it would blow over. As I said I was young and every situation before had been resolved. My sister then started to scold me which gets on my nerved and I hung out stated that I would talk to her tomorrow. Why was I so young and foolish?
September 11 2001
I woke up that morning and it was a beautiful summer morning. I had history that morning. The teacher I had for it was a nice guy but the class was very dull. I was sleeping. He then made an announcement to the class that he wanted to turn the TV on because something had happened in New York. I continued to sleep. I then woke up and it was second period(I had 1st and second period in the same class). I had awoke the horrifying image that still makes a cameo appearance on CNN, ABC, any news station you can think of. The two towers smoking and all anyone knew is that something went terribly wrong. I went back to sleep. I awoke to a thought. It was just a random idea. My sister had two job offerings. But where? Well one was for Coca Cola. The other one was for a small company in Manhattan. This company was on the 93rd floor of World Trade Center tower 2. I was unsure so I went down to the office and called my grandma. She sounded distressed. She told me my sister had called and stated that she was fine and was leaving. I didn't know what to do. I had my plans to do well . I couldn't possibly do well leaving halfway through the day I needed to stay. My neighbor came and picked me up. By the time she got to the school I was crying. I have realized that no matter the outcome by the end of this whole ordeal things would be different. My parents made it across the border right before they closed them. That night I feel asleep, my face completely covered in tears.
September 12 2001
What could I do? I couldn't go to school. What do I do? I can't just sit there. This was the first time I ever saw my father cry. I had nothing to do I could barely breath. To think my life could actually change, I was only 14. Later that morning I went online and got numbers to every surrounding hospital in NYC, Connecticut, New Jersey and Westchester County. I must have called everyone one. From the moment I started to the moment I finished I had got any closer to finding my sister. As the day went on we knew we had to go down there. We drove to my Aunt Robin's house in Yonkers where we stayed the night. The one good thing about a tragedy is everyone drops any differences they have, swallows their pride and hugs one another. You can never feel unloved during a tragedy. I know its horrible to say. The next morning I would set foot into the city where my sister had been seen last. The anticipation was killing me. This was another night I wore the sleeping mask of tears.
September 13 2001
This morning I woke up and had a lot of hope. We had the most gorgeous picture of my sister. She looked like a porcelain doll. Today strangers can look at her picture and get a tear in their eye. We made copies of the picture at a store around the corner from my aunts. My dad, uncle Joe and I took a bus into Manhattan. At that point I couldn't remember the last time I went to NYC but I assumed it was with my sister. The terrible things that had happened in NYC over the years I heard about but I was not nervous one bit. My father was a former black belt and my uncle, a body builder with a background in Jujitsu. I felt protected. The city was a much different place from what I could remember. The expressions of people were not anxious and no one bumped into me. Everyone walked slowly down the streets. The sides of buildings were covered with pictures of others who where missing. Wait, more people were experiencing the tragedy? Another thing about a tragedy is it never happens to anyone else, in your eyes, your the only one who experiences it. We walked down towards where the World Trade Center once stood. Miles away from the World Trade Center and we could still see thick black smoke filling the air. We walked to the armory that was set up as a base for all of New York city Police, New York City's Fire Department, the military, and survivors from the collapse. The armory was walled with tables seating many of NYPD Detectives. I had to give a saliva sample. "Why do they need a DNA sample to identify someone alive?" I asked this that day, I didn't get an answer. We posted my sister's picture all over Manhattan. I wanted to blanket that city in photos of her, I wanted to see her smiling again. I was not going to accept that fact that the only smiling face of hers I would see again, would be in that photo. We went back to my Aunts learning no more than we knew when we rode in that morning.
I did not go back to school till Monday of that following week. How could I possibly go back? My world from when I was 1 till 14 had not changed up until 9/11/01 and I have never completely recovered from it.
1 Month After the Attack
My Mother and I took another trip downstate. A ceremony, by where the towers once stood, was going to be put in place for 9/11 victim's families and George W. Bush, the hero that he is, was going to make one of his glorious speeches that have no purpose. We wanted to be there because we believed that my sister was in there. Thousands of people were there and made it impossible for us to see. The NYPD kept trying to get more people into the area where the explosion of tragedy had occurred but State Troopers had taken control of the area and denied access to late comers such as ourselves. My Mom saw a police officer standing at a corner and cried on his shoulder because she needed a glimpse of my sister's grave site. The cop was very young, African American, and had the expression of empathy. We were driven in by police van in the middle of all the destruction. The smell was indescribable but it fit because so was the situation. I could see buildings with desks knocked over and papers scattered around these exposed offices. I think that’s when the whole situation really upset me. Within the few minutes that we stood by those buildings I realized the tragedy that we faced. Not "we" as in my family "we" as in everyone directly affected by today's events. Someone worked in that office. Someone typed up those papers. Somebody, other than my sister worked in that building. That day I will never forget and I knew I wouldn't. How can you?
Late January 2002
We had 2 memorial services in my sisters name. They were in October and November of the previous year. We even had a Tombstone engraved with her name. The most unimaginable news was reported around this time. My sister's body was recovered and identified. It was her. She wasn't missing, she was dead. Excuse the graphic talk but her body was found completely intact. She had made it out of that building before they collapsed. If she had left a little sooner. If she had been told to leave immediately rather then to sit at her desk. Why didn't they just evacuate after the first place hit? I don't expect that question to ever be answered. With that piece of news I should have the closure I need to continue with my life, right? I don't think I have that closure yet.
April 2005
My last year of high school. I had enjoyed my last year as opposed the past 3 years which I hated to no end. I was on spring break and I was going to spend a weekend downstate. I drove the car down with my cousin Laura who attends school at SUNY Oswego. I called my brother-in-law, who I haven't really talked to since I was 14. We went out to a bar around the corner and had lunch. This day was also his four year wedding anniversary with my sister. 4 years ago they eloped at Cape May. It was hard to see my brother-in-law. He had begun smoking again(my sister got him to quit) and he had gained weight. He also put up this smile which you could see was a cover for a man who had been shattered of the one person he cared about.
End of July 2005
My Brother-in-law is rushed to Nyack hospital. I haven't seen him since he showed up at my graduation party in June. The doctors said he had Scrorsis of the Liver. Another thing I forgot to mention about my Brother-in-law is he was a heavy drinker since he was about 17. My family rushed downstate leaving me and my brother at home. He had made it through the night. The way my dad described it, his skin was a yellowish color and he was disoriented. He was moved to a better hospital in Manhattan. There he died a couple days later. After my sister I said I would not be able to handle another death. People would say that I handled it but then again its a year later and I am still not over. Did I really handle it?
September 2006(Present)
I am 19 years and 3 months old. I go to school at SUNY Oswego and I am an EMT/Fire Fighter where I live. I want to be there for people. I want tragedy to be minimized and I don't want anyone to go through what my family and I have. Did I feel that way five years ago? My view on the world has changed immensely from when I was 14 but I still don't understand why 2 of my closest family members could be taken. I believe everything happens for a reason. I just need to know that reason....