(no subject)
Christmas just passed so that means one thing. It's time for my yearly reflection.
Going back and rereading or browsing in tonight's case, of my earlier entries of this year, I realized I didn't write much this year. I didn't add many entries into this blog; not as much as I wanted to anyway.
Life got in the way. '05 was the year where my life started and I guess '06 was the year where my life progressed and became life.
Looking back, it just seems that this year went by, zooming through time; yet everything that transpired seems like it happened years before.
Where should I start? Where do I start?
I guess the first half of the year was very eventful and very memorable if not difficult at the same time. Sheilah. She found me on Christmas of last year and we clicked. Things transpired and she made me feel something I haven't felt with in a long time. I was able to be myself around her. No squirming, no searching for words to say, no embarrassment. I was able to say my cheesy words, my dorky sayings, and I was just able to be myself; sarcastic, witty, funny, etc...and I didn't have any problems with it. I didn't have any problems being with her. But, I guess sometimes things just really don't work out the way you think it would. Funny how that always happen.
I still think about her from time to time. Our times together, some of our conversations, having someone to wake up to. There's a big part of me that misses her, but there's another part of me that knows that we will never work. We are just too similar in all the wrong ways...but damn, we were good when we were both on.
I never contacted her. When we broke up, that was that. There was no looking back. I didn't want to waste her time, and I'm sure she doesn't want to waste mine. Just different. Being with her made me realize what I do want and what I don't want....all in all, it was something that was good that turned bad. I took whatever lesson there was to take from that and I moved on.
That was in June, and I do have to admit the two or three months afterwards weren't fun at all. I've fallen back to a place that I thought I'd left behind. I was depressed, not as depressed as in high school, but depressed nonetheless. Not sure why, but I was. Maybe I missed her a little too much. That's just life I guess...the longing for something that was so good.
But, moving on.
I don't know, I think I really came to find myself more this year. Maybe it was the past relationships that did it, or maybe it was what transpired between my cousins and I on our family bulletin board, but I've really came to be my honest, tactless, smart ass self. I'm comfortable to be that. I am that and I'm not ashamed of it. I have no problem saying what's on my mind, even if it might hurt someone. I'm not going to beat around the point to protect other people's feelings anymore. I know that there are situations where I shouldn't be so honest, so blunt, but I guess that is something I need to learn in the year to come.
As demonstrated in my last date with that "connected" stranger at Trader Joe's, I'm not an easy pill to swallow. I speak my mind and sometimes I'm just too honest and open about who I am. Maybe she didn't like that about me, maybe she just didn’t get me, or maybe I mentally sabotaged it even before the date started, who really knows why there was a major misconnection between us...but I am who I am and I was that during the date, sans the smartass, flirty, witty, playful nature that I do possess. So all that was left was my easygoing open blunt force honesty to questions she asked. I don't censor my words, so she might have misinterpreted or took many things the wrong way...but overall, it was for the best. We were just way too different in all the wrong ways. Not a good match at all.
Onto other things, I'm writing again. Well, obviously not in my journal, but my script. I'm on my way to finishing my first script in over two years. And I'm actually happy for the most part about this one. Hopefully, I could do something with it. Maybe. I have Scott and the writing group to thank for my progress. Ever since Scott and I started up the whole betting schedule, writing has never been easier this year. Maybe I just need that push, that deadline, that schedule. Who knows?
Let's see how it goes with my photography group. Taking pictures, another hobby that I've always been meaning to pick up again. It might finally happen; me dusting off my cameras and taking them out of retirement. Make use of them, train my eye again, and maybe I'll actually do Scott's script. Who knows?
Life is so long and there just seems to be all the time for me to do whatever it is that I need to do. I don't feel the need to rush and accomplish everything all at once.
So, all in all, this year has been a well-balanced year. It started with a bang and it seems to end in a bang, in a totally different vein. As much as I would love to be in another relationship, to have the intimacy again with another person, the touching, embracing, the talks, and the heart to hearts, I'm not in a rush to go out and find it. I think I really did get to a point where I'm just enjoying my singleness, my independence without a need/desire to be with someone.
I think I am right when I told Sheilah, when/if things end between us, that's it. I'm done. I'm not looking anymore. If for some reason, a girl pops in my life and I really do fancy her and she fancies me, yes, I will ask her out, but until then, I am more than okay with just being alone and being on my own.
I guess I just need that in my life right now. I just need to focus on things that are important to me. School, job (need to figure out how to catch up on everything), my writing, photography, me. I'm selfish, what can I say.
I didn't get to see my family much this year. I went back home twice. One was planned and the other not. My uncle passed away and I drove up with my cousins for the funeral. He was my favorite uncle, because growing up, my brother and I would always go over to his place and just hang with my cousins. I'm really sad to have seen him go, but maybe it's the realist in me, it was expected. Death is death, and there's nothing to be afraid of. It's just a part of life. But, it was good to see that my cousins are doing better and accepted it. His memorial is next year and I'm sure I'll make the time to fly up for that.
I didn't get a chance to go back home for the holidays this year. There was a part of me that really wanted to spend it down here on my own for once and I did. Another part of me felt guilty about dumping Pickles off at Scott and Rutledge's again. They have done so much for me in taking Pickles, I owe them tons. Because I didn't go back, I got to spend the holidays with my surrogate family, the Carter's and I loved it. It was very chill, relaxed, and over all great.
But with my lack of family interaction this year, I did manage to get with new family. I found a newfound cousin, a lost sibling, so it seems earlier in the year. Jun or Chanh, depending, but we get along great with each other. We just clicked from day one and we were just so open. I guess it is our similar attitudes and laid back nature that made us click. We were good for the first half of the year, but then she became distant and school started so I haven’t been able to hang out with her, but all in all, I’m really glad to know her.
Along with Great Uncle and his family, I really do have a lot of family down here. It seems that I’ve traded hanging out with some family with hanging out with another. I haven’t been able to visit Fresno as often as I usually do. I guess with having a dog, it is difficult and usually life just gets in the way. It just seems that I will visit them less and less. So Sad.
Here’s another thing that I noticed this year. Maybe I’m growing up and realizing what type of people I like and what type of people I don’t like and this applies mostly to family, but I realize that there are family members that I grew up with that I really don’t hang out with anymore. It’s mostly because we are so different that it’s tough to find common ground to work on and some is because I just don’t like them. They demonstrated that they aren’t the type of person I like. I tend to gravitate towards family that are more mature, settled down, those who are open minded and those who think the same as I do. I guess it does make sense in the way, why would you want to hang out with people you generally don’t like? Hence I tend to gravitate toward certain cousins and relatives because of their personality and what not.
I guess I’m just reaching that point where my popularity within the family doesn’t really matter anymore. The only thing that matters is that I am able to be myself.
There were plenty of good this year and there were plenty of bad also. A Chinese fortuneteller told me that this year is one of my worst. But now that it is almost over, looking back, sure it was bad, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. I'm still alive.
In just a few days this year will be over and '07 will start turning the clocks. I wonder what it will bring? Will my China trip come to fruition? Will I start another script and finish it without any problems? I've learned to not live so far in the future and just live day to day. Whatever happens today happens because it happens. Plans will not be made weeks in advance, but only days if not hours. I guess I'm finally starting to live in the present. The past will stay in the past, good only for reflection to figure out how much I've grown and how far I've came and the future is a blank slate ready for me to start filling when the time comes for me to.
Looking back, at the date with the Trader Joe's lady, she pegged me correctly when she called me an existentialist. Life is life. It is just this. It goes and goes so long and I take it as it comes. But she also pegged me wrong too. I am a realist, but that doesn't mean I'm a pessimist. Yes, I will admit that I WAS one, but over the past couple of years, I've become so optimistic it's shocking. Where did it come from?
But, it's a new year and I am going to leave it open and not think of what is to come. I want to be surprised. I want 2007 to be my year of surprise.
So come alone and surprise me 2007. It's been a while.
Going back and rereading or browsing in tonight's case, of my earlier entries of this year, I realized I didn't write much this year. I didn't add many entries into this blog; not as much as I wanted to anyway.
Life got in the way. '05 was the year where my life started and I guess '06 was the year where my life progressed and became life.
Looking back, it just seems that this year went by, zooming through time; yet everything that transpired seems like it happened years before.
Where should I start? Where do I start?
I guess the first half of the year was very eventful and very memorable if not difficult at the same time. Sheilah. She found me on Christmas of last year and we clicked. Things transpired and she made me feel something I haven't felt with in a long time. I was able to be myself around her. No squirming, no searching for words to say, no embarrassment. I was able to say my cheesy words, my dorky sayings, and I was just able to be myself; sarcastic, witty, funny, etc...and I didn't have any problems with it. I didn't have any problems being with her. But, I guess sometimes things just really don't work out the way you think it would. Funny how that always happen.
I still think about her from time to time. Our times together, some of our conversations, having someone to wake up to. There's a big part of me that misses her, but there's another part of me that knows that we will never work. We are just too similar in all the wrong ways...but damn, we were good when we were both on.
I never contacted her. When we broke up, that was that. There was no looking back. I didn't want to waste her time, and I'm sure she doesn't want to waste mine. Just different. Being with her made me realize what I do want and what I don't want....all in all, it was something that was good that turned bad. I took whatever lesson there was to take from that and I moved on.
That was in June, and I do have to admit the two or three months afterwards weren't fun at all. I've fallen back to a place that I thought I'd left behind. I was depressed, not as depressed as in high school, but depressed nonetheless. Not sure why, but I was. Maybe I missed her a little too much. That's just life I guess...the longing for something that was so good.
But, moving on.
I don't know, I think I really came to find myself more this year. Maybe it was the past relationships that did it, or maybe it was what transpired between my cousins and I on our family bulletin board, but I've really came to be my honest, tactless, smart ass self. I'm comfortable to be that. I am that and I'm not ashamed of it. I have no problem saying what's on my mind, even if it might hurt someone. I'm not going to beat around the point to protect other people's feelings anymore. I know that there are situations where I shouldn't be so honest, so blunt, but I guess that is something I need to learn in the year to come.
As demonstrated in my last date with that "connected" stranger at Trader Joe's, I'm not an easy pill to swallow. I speak my mind and sometimes I'm just too honest and open about who I am. Maybe she didn't like that about me, maybe she just didn’t get me, or maybe I mentally sabotaged it even before the date started, who really knows why there was a major misconnection between us...but I am who I am and I was that during the date, sans the smartass, flirty, witty, playful nature that I do possess. So all that was left was my easygoing open blunt force honesty to questions she asked. I don't censor my words, so she might have misinterpreted or took many things the wrong way...but overall, it was for the best. We were just way too different in all the wrong ways. Not a good match at all.
Onto other things, I'm writing again. Well, obviously not in my journal, but my script. I'm on my way to finishing my first script in over two years. And I'm actually happy for the most part about this one. Hopefully, I could do something with it. Maybe. I have Scott and the writing group to thank for my progress. Ever since Scott and I started up the whole betting schedule, writing has never been easier this year. Maybe I just need that push, that deadline, that schedule. Who knows?
Let's see how it goes with my photography group. Taking pictures, another hobby that I've always been meaning to pick up again. It might finally happen; me dusting off my cameras and taking them out of retirement. Make use of them, train my eye again, and maybe I'll actually do Scott's script. Who knows?
Life is so long and there just seems to be all the time for me to do whatever it is that I need to do. I don't feel the need to rush and accomplish everything all at once.
So, all in all, this year has been a well-balanced year. It started with a bang and it seems to end in a bang, in a totally different vein. As much as I would love to be in another relationship, to have the intimacy again with another person, the touching, embracing, the talks, and the heart to hearts, I'm not in a rush to go out and find it. I think I really did get to a point where I'm just enjoying my singleness, my independence without a need/desire to be with someone.
I think I am right when I told Sheilah, when/if things end between us, that's it. I'm done. I'm not looking anymore. If for some reason, a girl pops in my life and I really do fancy her and she fancies me, yes, I will ask her out, but until then, I am more than okay with just being alone and being on my own.
I guess I just need that in my life right now. I just need to focus on things that are important to me. School, job (need to figure out how to catch up on everything), my writing, photography, me. I'm selfish, what can I say.
I didn't get to see my family much this year. I went back home twice. One was planned and the other not. My uncle passed away and I drove up with my cousins for the funeral. He was my favorite uncle, because growing up, my brother and I would always go over to his place and just hang with my cousins. I'm really sad to have seen him go, but maybe it's the realist in me, it was expected. Death is death, and there's nothing to be afraid of. It's just a part of life. But, it was good to see that my cousins are doing better and accepted it. His memorial is next year and I'm sure I'll make the time to fly up for that.
I didn't get a chance to go back home for the holidays this year. There was a part of me that really wanted to spend it down here on my own for once and I did. Another part of me felt guilty about dumping Pickles off at Scott and Rutledge's again. They have done so much for me in taking Pickles, I owe them tons. Because I didn't go back, I got to spend the holidays with my surrogate family, the Carter's and I loved it. It was very chill, relaxed, and over all great.
But with my lack of family interaction this year, I did manage to get with new family. I found a newfound cousin, a lost sibling, so it seems earlier in the year. Jun or Chanh, depending, but we get along great with each other. We just clicked from day one and we were just so open. I guess it is our similar attitudes and laid back nature that made us click. We were good for the first half of the year, but then she became distant and school started so I haven’t been able to hang out with her, but all in all, I’m really glad to know her.
Along with Great Uncle and his family, I really do have a lot of family down here. It seems that I’ve traded hanging out with some family with hanging out with another. I haven’t been able to visit Fresno as often as I usually do. I guess with having a dog, it is difficult and usually life just gets in the way. It just seems that I will visit them less and less. So Sad.
Here’s another thing that I noticed this year. Maybe I’m growing up and realizing what type of people I like and what type of people I don’t like and this applies mostly to family, but I realize that there are family members that I grew up with that I really don’t hang out with anymore. It’s mostly because we are so different that it’s tough to find common ground to work on and some is because I just don’t like them. They demonstrated that they aren’t the type of person I like. I tend to gravitate towards family that are more mature, settled down, those who are open minded and those who think the same as I do. I guess it does make sense in the way, why would you want to hang out with people you generally don’t like? Hence I tend to gravitate toward certain cousins and relatives because of their personality and what not.
I guess I’m just reaching that point where my popularity within the family doesn’t really matter anymore. The only thing that matters is that I am able to be myself.
There were plenty of good this year and there were plenty of bad also. A Chinese fortuneteller told me that this year is one of my worst. But now that it is almost over, looking back, sure it was bad, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. I'm still alive.
In just a few days this year will be over and '07 will start turning the clocks. I wonder what it will bring? Will my China trip come to fruition? Will I start another script and finish it without any problems? I've learned to not live so far in the future and just live day to day. Whatever happens today happens because it happens. Plans will not be made weeks in advance, but only days if not hours. I guess I'm finally starting to live in the present. The past will stay in the past, good only for reflection to figure out how much I've grown and how far I've came and the future is a blank slate ready for me to start filling when the time comes for me to.
Looking back, at the date with the Trader Joe's lady, she pegged me correctly when she called me an existentialist. Life is life. It is just this. It goes and goes so long and I take it as it comes. But she also pegged me wrong too. I am a realist, but that doesn't mean I'm a pessimist. Yes, I will admit that I WAS one, but over the past couple of years, I've become so optimistic it's shocking. Where did it come from?
But, it's a new year and I am going to leave it open and not think of what is to come. I want to be surprised. I want 2007 to be my year of surprise.
So come alone and surprise me 2007. It's been a while.