Fic: G-Men, Then and Now (Captain America/Deadpool, PG-13) (4/4)
Title: G-Men, Then and Now (4/4)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 7,035
Fandoms: Captain America: The First Avenger (and general Marvel Cinematic Universe)/Deadpool
Characters: Cap/Deadpool, Darcy Lewis, Bob (Agent of H.Y.D.R.A.), and a surprise character
Warnings: Not-too-graphic slash, some nondescript violence.
A/N: This was written last August for this prompt on capkink (back when there was virtually no plot information about The Avengers yet), which is why one character appears the way he does. Also, this fic places 616 Deadpool within the MCU rather than combining the two canons.
Summary: Steve and Deadpool's relationship comes to a climax. Literally and figuratively.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just playing in this wonderful sandbox.
On many different occasions, Steve had wondered how he would lose his virginity. Back then, he decided that it would be with a beautiful woman in a large bed with fluffy pillows in a room with a great view of the city.
He was wrong on all counts.
"Zipper!" Wade yelled as Steve laid back and pulled him down onto the cot. "Zipper. At the back."
"Uh-huh," Steve mumbled between kisses. His fingers fumbled around on Wade's back until they found the tiny zipper and yanked.
Steve pulled at the red-and-black suit while Wade nearly tore his clothes off, starting with his T-shirt, until they'd thrown everything off and just stared at each other for few moments, taking each other in. The scars were everywhere, except the palms of Wade's hands, mysteriously. But the more Steve looked at them, the less he cared. It was like observing the models in art classes, except with an odd mosaic overlaid on this one. And it fascinated him as his lightly touched the bumps and craters and curves.
"Okay, Cap, this is it. Point of no return." Wade ran his fingers up and down Steve's chest over and over. His answers were just short gasps as his cock grew harder and harder. "No, really, Steve, if you want to kick me to the floor, now would be a pretty good time."
Steve traces the scars on Wade's right shoulder with his thumb. "I don't want to kick you to the floor, you know."
Wade's brown eyes grew saucer-wide. "Is this pity sex? Because I don't do pity sex."
"It's not pity s---is that a real thing?"
"Oh hell yeah. Pretty damn pathetic, though."
"This isn't that. I swear."
"Captain's Honor or whatever?" Wade blinked.
"Yes. Absolutely."
Wade blinked again, then cracked a big grin. "Okey-dokey. Could we roll over? I wanna be able to say I rode Captain fucking America, probably in the middle of a boasting match with a supervillain I've been hired to whack."
"I...what?" Steve could feel his face grow warm and he wondered why that hadn't happened earlier.
"C'mon, it'll be fun!" Wade shook Steve's knees excitedly. "Please, Cap?"
"Wade, I can't. I don't...I haven't...I've never..." He took a few deep breaths.
"You...OH GOD!" Wade's hands flew to his mouth. "Seriously? But you kept yourself surrounded with USO girls and strapping soldiers! How could you not?!"
"I was just waiting---"
"No dancing metaphors. Those only work in romantic comedies and British sci-fi." Wade lifted Steve's legs onto his shoulders. "We gotta fix this. Immediately."
He grabbed Steve's cock and squeezed. Hard. Steve fell back into the cot's thin pillow and moanly a little louder than he meant to.
Wade laughed. "Atta boy. So Steve, has anybody ever told you that you got redwoods for legs?"
*
With an enthusiastic "TO INFINITY! AND BEYOND!" from Wade, they both came hard. Steve had never thought it could be so...energetic. That was probably the wrong word, but he really had no clue how else to put it. His come coated Wade's stomach and then both's stomach as Wade collapsed on top of him with a loud, satisfied sigh.
"So that was fun," Wade said as he nuzzled his bumpy head against Steve's chest. Then he glanced up. "I mean, 'How was it for you, dear?'"
"It was...interesting." Steve rubbed his fingers over the bumps and valleys on Wade's head.
"Good interesting or bad interesting?"
"The good kind."
"Alrighty. I'm used to being the other one." Wade paused. Really, sincerely paused.
"Wade, can I ask you something?"
"Shoot. But not literally."
"How did you get your name?"
"Depending on which writer you believe, I maybe kinda sorta stole it from this guy named T-Ray, or maybe I'm the real Wade Wilson, but it's always changing, so some days I wake up and I think my name is Orlando Bloom, but then I remember that I wasn't really an elf and---"
"No, I mean your other name."
Wade's mouth formed a slightly creepy grin. "Okay. Riddle me this, Cap-tan: where do you practice your deathstroke?"
"What?"
Wade leaned up so that their noses bumped together. "Deathstroke. Where would you practice it?"
Steve tried to visualize that phrase for a few moments, and then it clicked. "Oh."
"Exactly." Wade briefly glided his tongue along Steve's collarbone. "So can we do this again sometime?"
"Well, I owe you one, don't I?"
Wade shrugged. "Not really. I mean, only if you want to, but most people don't 'cause I'm me. But even if we couldn't be lovers, we could do the whole 'friends with benefits' deal---which is a very real thing---but according to the movies, we'd end up falling madly in love anyway, so maybe I'm just screwed. Actually, we're both screwed right now, but that's not what I meant---"
Steve tipped Wade's head up and kissed him slowly. "You're cute when you ramble."
Wade's mouth formed a giant 'O'. "Wow, Cap, that was almost seductive." Then he began to nip at Steve's neck.
"There's just one thing, Wade."
"Yeah?"
"Don't ever shout out 'Captain Reynolds' again."
"Sorry about that," Wade murmured between kisses. "I got my fantasies mixed up for a minute.
Steve began to relax against the pillow again, letting his legs go slack, when he heard something drop while a familiar voice shouted, "HOLY SHIT!"
Their heads turned abruptly towards the door.
"Darcy!" Wade exclaimed, his voice squeaking on the last syllable. "Learn to knock!"
"The door was wide open! Think about that next time, merc-boy." Her eyes swept up and down their bodies---or more precisely, Wade's. "Dude, you're ripped! I knew Captain No-Pants was crazy-built, but you're ridiculous." She took a deep breath. "And the scars are hot, in a Phantom of the Opera sort of way."
Wade looked from Darcy to Steve and back again, with his brow furrowed. "Huh."
"What do you need, Darcy?" Steve asked as politely as he could under the circumstances.
Darcy adjusted her glasses and ran her hand through her hair. "Oh, yeah, big thing: these dudes in green and yellow jumpsuits are trying to pull a Battle of Helm's Deep upstairs. I thought this called for your guys' type of badassery. And even if you two don't want fight, you can come watch Luke be generally awesome with a spear. Not like you guys, but like an actual, seven-foot-long-ish spear." She picked up her clipboard and grinned.
"Hey, Darce," Wade began, "do these guys in green yell anything?"
"Yeah, they started screaming stuff like 'HAIL H.Y.D.R.A.!' and 'Cut off one limb (or may be 'head'?) and two more will take its place!' and it's a bit adorkable. Very ComiCon."
"H.Y.D.R.A.?!" they repeated simultaneously. A chill ran down Steve's spine. How could it have survived after all this time?
He glanced worriedly at Wade, who grabbed his hand and shouted, "THUNDERCATS ARE GOOOOOO!!!"
*
The green jumpsuits flew and jumped and tumbled through the hallways and off the walls when they got off the elevator in the first floor lobby. Honestly, Steve thought they looked a bit cheap, with spandex as thick as paper and thin yellow lining that was flaked off in places. Did they lose all of their funding after Schmidt died?
Just as Steve was about to join the fray, Luke whooshed past him, twirling at the H.Y.D.R.A. agents like an assassin ballerina. He slammed his pole (spear?) in the ground and took out about five agents with a swinging maneuver that Steve was pretty sure he'd seen on that Cinemax channel at 2:00 a.m. once. Luke's big green eyes got increasingly steely with each twirl, swing, and jab. In battle, Steve realized, he seemed almost as crazy as Wade.
Steve himself was a collection of quick, conservative hooks, crosses, and kicks up against a mish-mash of overly showy moves. Still, it was nice to get some practice in. Luckily, every time they managed to confuse him, Darcy stood nearby with the little zapping gadget she called "her trusty taser," wearing the same expression Peggy did whenever she got her hands on a pistol. In the middle of the fight, Steve realized that he fought better in tandem with Darcy than he ever had with anyone else, as strange as that sounded.
But if Luke was a dancer, Steve was a machine, and Darcy was a spunky robot, then Deadpool was a summer carnival or maybe even Coney Island: a Ferris wheel of katana slices, a glowing carousel of spraying bullets, a roller coaster of back and front and double flips, and a proper showman's voice full quirky quips.
"YIPPEE-KI-AY, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!" Just about all of the H.Y.D.R.A. agents were either dead or down, so Wade decided to shoot the ceiling.
"Wade, stop," Steve said firmly.
"Aw, but Cap, I've still got, like, seventy-five more fights left in me."
"Oh, God, those things are going to ricochet and this will be one helluva depressing HBO Special: The Death of Captain America and Friends." Darcy covered her ears as the shots rang out.
"Now, my dearest little Darcy, do you really think I'm that crappy a shot?" Deadpool asked. A bullet bounced off a lighting fixture and landed near Luke's feet.
"Wade." Steve kept his voice as calm and even as he could. Wade dropped the gun.
"Mr. Wilson! MR. WILSON!!! There you are!" A scrawny, unscathed H.Y.D.R.A. agent ran up to Wade and hugged him tightly.
"Bob, what the hell?" Wade asked, pulling back from the agent. "They were supposed to do their thing next week."
"But Mr. Wilson, you gave us the codes and the orders two days ago. Everyone got extra concealment workshops to prepare."
Steve almost thought he saw the corners of Luke's mouth quirk upward.
"Okay, could somebody back and explain this dude?" Darcy interjected, jerking her head towards Bob.
Wade threw his arms out. "Alright, I confess: I planned to let these goofballs in here."
Steve went numb. "You work for H.Y.D.R.A.?"
"Hell no. Bob here is my pet. Or minion. Yeah, 'minion' is more politically correct. I think. He's really only into the H.Y.D.R.A. thing for the health insurance. And to please his nagging wife. Anyhoo, mercenary that I am, these H.Y.D.R.A. goons offered me an insane amount of money for info on getting in here. Now, hold on, Cap, before you go all 'NO WIRE HANGERS!' on me. They didn't have a Catholic's chance in limbo. H.Y.D.R.A.'s not all semi-competent-ish like it was back in your day---they're even bigger idiots than me. And anyway, I did it for you." Wade pulled up his mask and grinned just a little sheepishly.
"Excuse me?" The words nearly caught in Steve's throat.
"Well, c'mon dude, you were all lonely and you hadn't had one fight in longer than I've been alive and you were just kinda like...you looked like you really needed to punch something. So I gave it to you." Wade clapped him on the shoulder. "It was a hundred times better than I imagined. Totally. And it was pretty sexy, too."
"Like Captain Ryan Reynolds of the Firefly's Serenity?" Steve asked hopefully. Darcy giggled.
Wade smiled broadly. "Yeah, just like him."
"Mr. Wilson," Bob began, moving towards the door, "It's great that these people took care of you in here, but we really need to go. If we don't, we might run into Director Fury, and not even all of my H.Y.D.R.A. training could protect. Really. I saw him in action once, and I still have nightmares."
Wade bit his lip and scrunched his face up, thinking for a minute. "You know, Bob, I think I need to stick around for a little while longer. And no, I don't know how long. But tell Alex, Sandi, Outlaw, and Weasel that I'll definitely be back."
"Who?" Steve, Darcy, and Luke blurted out.
"Co-workers. Long story that I'll tell you later."
"WILSON!" Fury shouted from around the corner.
Bob sprinted out the door. "See ya!"
"It was very refreshing to meet you!" Luke called after him.
Darcy dropped her head in her hands. "Oh my God, my life. I swear it was halfway normal once."
Wade rolled his eyes. "What's so damn great about normal?"
*
Two weeks had past since the second Incident. Fury had tried several times to put Wade back in his cell under solitary confinement and failed quite spectacularly. The last time he'd escaped, he'd swung on a rope through the large control rope singing the main theme from something called The Great Escape. Steve heard Fury grumble exasperatedly and he decided it was a quiet sort of surrender.
But now it was Friday night. Steve knew this because Wade was wearing a ridiculous hat, which he was making into a Friday tradition. First it was a sombrero, then a wizard's hat, and now a giant gold helmet with either horns or handlebars on top.
"Where the hell did you get that thing?" Steve asked as he jerked his head back, avoiding Wade's attempts at kisses.
"From Luke. It matches his spear. He's going to need it for when he takes over the world," Wade said matter-of-factly, his scarred mouth currently uncovered. He was doing a great job of distracting Steve from the program on the TV, even though he'd said it was important.
Steve got that strange feeling again, the one he couldn't pin down. "Luke's told you he's going to take over the world?"
"Well, no, but he definitely could, with a voice like that. People would probably just hear it and sit down quietly, I'm pretty sure. You'd probably be his head of security, I think I'd be the Grand Vizier, and Darcy would probably be Queen or First Lady or Eva Braun or whatever."
Steve tilted his head sideways and stared dumbfounded at Wade, and then he turned back to the screen and kept trying to figure out why this nameless Doctor wouldn't get the hell out of the London blitz.
As he tried to tell himself he wasn't frightened of a mysterious child in a gas mask, Darcy jogged in carrying a large stack of books. "Hey, Steve, I thought you could use these---WHOA! What the hell is that, Wade?"
"Luke's sexy, magical helmet." His mouth broke into a satisfied grin.
Darcy dropped all of the books into Steve's lap and grabbed the helmet. She put it on her head and smirked. "Mine now."
"Darcy, what're all these?" Steve glanced at some of the titles: A History of America: 1947-Present, The Things They Carried, To Kill a Mockingbird, and The Smart Aleck's Guide to American History, among others.
"It's part of your Cultural Integration (I thought of that name). Wade's in charge of pop culture and I'm in charge of politics and history."
"Is that why we're watching this crazy thing?" Steve pointed towards the screen, where the big-eared Doctor just met up with his female friend (wife? girlfriend?).
"'That crazy thing' is called Doctor Who and it's one of the best TV shows ever, third only to Golden Girls and Maude," Wade snapped, scrunching his bumpy nose up. "The Doctor is the best. He's what I want to be when I grow up. I guess I'm getting there 'cause I have a handsome Captain and a beautiful assistant."
"I am not Rose," Darcy stated gravely. "I will be Donna or Martha, but not Rose. I want better dialogue than that."
"And I can't flirt like that guy at all!" Steve interjected.
"Geez, you guys are so nitpicky. And where's Luke?"
"I think he said he was going to visit his brother, Torgo. At least I think he said it was Torgo." Darcy hunched over and stomped around with her legs bowed out. "I tAkE CaRe Of ThE pLaCe WhIlE tHe MaStEr Is AwAy."
"MST3K is next!" Wade stood up abruptly and punched the air. "And Luke definitely is the Master! I told you he was destined for world domination!"
Steve pulled Wade back down onto the couch and began kissing his neck.
"Oh, do you really think so, boys?" Luke's came out of nowhere. They looked up and saw him smiling serenely. Wade nodded. Luke plopped down next Steve. "The three of you are much too good to me."
Steve secretly agreed. "Are you ever going to tell us how you do that? The appearing thing?"
"Now what would be the fun in that?" Luke switched his focus to the TV. "Ah, this is a good episode. I enjoy the gas mask creatures."
"The Weeping Angels are way creepier," Darcy remarked. Steve didn't really want to understand what she meant.
"Ssshh, Darce! We're not there yet!" Wade hissed.
"You know what we should do after this? Apples to Apples."
"YES! And I shall PWN with 'Insulting Trekkies.'" Wade swung his arm around Steve's abdomen.
"Do you understand them?" Steve asked Luke, sighing.
"Of course not. But they are amusing." Luke got that eerie gleam in his eye. "You're very lucky to have them, Captain."
Steve glanced at Darcy doing the Chicken Dance, still wearing the helmet, and then at Wade, who was making strange shapes with his tongue. "You know, I think you're right. It's the weirdest kind of luck, but it's probably for the best."
These were the only three people he'd met in this bizarre future who didn't defer to him or try to order him around. They didn't want an icon or a hero, at least, not anymore. They were always their uncompromising, wacky selves. Friends.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 7,035
Fandoms: Captain America: The First Avenger (and general Marvel Cinematic Universe)/Deadpool
Characters: Cap/Deadpool, Darcy Lewis, Bob (Agent of H.Y.D.R.A.), and a surprise character
Warnings: Not-too-graphic slash, some nondescript violence.
A/N: This was written last August for this prompt on capkink (back when there was virtually no plot information about The Avengers yet), which is why one character appears the way he does. Also, this fic places 616 Deadpool within the MCU rather than combining the two canons.
Summary: Steve and Deadpool's relationship comes to a climax. Literally and figuratively.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just playing in this wonderful sandbox.
On many different occasions, Steve had wondered how he would lose his virginity. Back then, he decided that it would be with a beautiful woman in a large bed with fluffy pillows in a room with a great view of the city.
He was wrong on all counts.
"Zipper!" Wade yelled as Steve laid back and pulled him down onto the cot. "Zipper. At the back."
"Uh-huh," Steve mumbled between kisses. His fingers fumbled around on Wade's back until they found the tiny zipper and yanked.
Steve pulled at the red-and-black suit while Wade nearly tore his clothes off, starting with his T-shirt, until they'd thrown everything off and just stared at each other for few moments, taking each other in. The scars were everywhere, except the palms of Wade's hands, mysteriously. But the more Steve looked at them, the less he cared. It was like observing the models in art classes, except with an odd mosaic overlaid on this one. And it fascinated him as his lightly touched the bumps and craters and curves.
"Okay, Cap, this is it. Point of no return." Wade ran his fingers up and down Steve's chest over and over. His answers were just short gasps as his cock grew harder and harder. "No, really, Steve, if you want to kick me to the floor, now would be a pretty good time."
Steve traces the scars on Wade's right shoulder with his thumb. "I don't want to kick you to the floor, you know."
Wade's brown eyes grew saucer-wide. "Is this pity sex? Because I don't do pity sex."
"It's not pity s---is that a real thing?"
"Oh hell yeah. Pretty damn pathetic, though."
"This isn't that. I swear."
"Captain's Honor or whatever?" Wade blinked.
"Yes. Absolutely."
Wade blinked again, then cracked a big grin. "Okey-dokey. Could we roll over? I wanna be able to say I rode Captain fucking America, probably in the middle of a boasting match with a supervillain I've been hired to whack."
"I...what?" Steve could feel his face grow warm and he wondered why that hadn't happened earlier.
"C'mon, it'll be fun!" Wade shook Steve's knees excitedly. "Please, Cap?"
"Wade, I can't. I don't...I haven't...I've never..." He took a few deep breaths.
"You...OH GOD!" Wade's hands flew to his mouth. "Seriously? But you kept yourself surrounded with USO girls and strapping soldiers! How could you not?!"
"I was just waiting---"
"No dancing metaphors. Those only work in romantic comedies and British sci-fi." Wade lifted Steve's legs onto his shoulders. "We gotta fix this. Immediately."
He grabbed Steve's cock and squeezed. Hard. Steve fell back into the cot's thin pillow and moanly a little louder than he meant to.
Wade laughed. "Atta boy. So Steve, has anybody ever told you that you got redwoods for legs?"
*
With an enthusiastic "TO INFINITY! AND BEYOND!" from Wade, they both came hard. Steve had never thought it could be so...energetic. That was probably the wrong word, but he really had no clue how else to put it. His come coated Wade's stomach and then both's stomach as Wade collapsed on top of him with a loud, satisfied sigh.
"So that was fun," Wade said as he nuzzled his bumpy head against Steve's chest. Then he glanced up. "I mean, 'How was it for you, dear?'"
"It was...interesting." Steve rubbed his fingers over the bumps and valleys on Wade's head.
"Good interesting or bad interesting?"
"The good kind."
"Alrighty. I'm used to being the other one." Wade paused. Really, sincerely paused.
"Wade, can I ask you something?"
"Shoot. But not literally."
"How did you get your name?"
"Depending on which writer you believe, I maybe kinda sorta stole it from this guy named T-Ray, or maybe I'm the real Wade Wilson, but it's always changing, so some days I wake up and I think my name is Orlando Bloom, but then I remember that I wasn't really an elf and---"
"No, I mean your other name."
Wade's mouth formed a slightly creepy grin. "Okay. Riddle me this, Cap-tan: where do you practice your deathstroke?"
"What?"
Wade leaned up so that their noses bumped together. "Deathstroke. Where would you practice it?"
Steve tried to visualize that phrase for a few moments, and then it clicked. "Oh."
"Exactly." Wade briefly glided his tongue along Steve's collarbone. "So can we do this again sometime?"
"Well, I owe you one, don't I?"
Wade shrugged. "Not really. I mean, only if you want to, but most people don't 'cause I'm me. But even if we couldn't be lovers, we could do the whole 'friends with benefits' deal---which is a very real thing---but according to the movies, we'd end up falling madly in love anyway, so maybe I'm just screwed. Actually, we're both screwed right now, but that's not what I meant---"
Steve tipped Wade's head up and kissed him slowly. "You're cute when you ramble."
Wade's mouth formed a giant 'O'. "Wow, Cap, that was almost seductive." Then he began to nip at Steve's neck.
"There's just one thing, Wade."
"Yeah?"
"Don't ever shout out 'Captain Reynolds' again."
"Sorry about that," Wade murmured between kisses. "I got my fantasies mixed up for a minute.
Steve began to relax against the pillow again, letting his legs go slack, when he heard something drop while a familiar voice shouted, "HOLY SHIT!"
Their heads turned abruptly towards the door.
"Darcy!" Wade exclaimed, his voice squeaking on the last syllable. "Learn to knock!"
"The door was wide open! Think about that next time, merc-boy." Her eyes swept up and down their bodies---or more precisely, Wade's. "Dude, you're ripped! I knew Captain No-Pants was crazy-built, but you're ridiculous." She took a deep breath. "And the scars are hot, in a Phantom of the Opera sort of way."
Wade looked from Darcy to Steve and back again, with his brow furrowed. "Huh."
"What do you need, Darcy?" Steve asked as politely as he could under the circumstances.
Darcy adjusted her glasses and ran her hand through her hair. "Oh, yeah, big thing: these dudes in green and yellow jumpsuits are trying to pull a Battle of Helm's Deep upstairs. I thought this called for your guys' type of badassery. And even if you two don't want fight, you can come watch Luke be generally awesome with a spear. Not like you guys, but like an actual, seven-foot-long-ish spear." She picked up her clipboard and grinned.
"Hey, Darce," Wade began, "do these guys in green yell anything?"
"Yeah, they started screaming stuff like 'HAIL H.Y.D.R.A.!' and 'Cut off one limb (or may be 'head'?) and two more will take its place!' and it's a bit adorkable. Very ComiCon."
"H.Y.D.R.A.?!" they repeated simultaneously. A chill ran down Steve's spine. How could it have survived after all this time?
He glanced worriedly at Wade, who grabbed his hand and shouted, "THUNDERCATS ARE GOOOOOO!!!"
*
The green jumpsuits flew and jumped and tumbled through the hallways and off the walls when they got off the elevator in the first floor lobby. Honestly, Steve thought they looked a bit cheap, with spandex as thick as paper and thin yellow lining that was flaked off in places. Did they lose all of their funding after Schmidt died?
Just as Steve was about to join the fray, Luke whooshed past him, twirling at the H.Y.D.R.A. agents like an assassin ballerina. He slammed his pole (spear?) in the ground and took out about five agents with a swinging maneuver that Steve was pretty sure he'd seen on that Cinemax channel at 2:00 a.m. once. Luke's big green eyes got increasingly steely with each twirl, swing, and jab. In battle, Steve realized, he seemed almost as crazy as Wade.
Steve himself was a collection of quick, conservative hooks, crosses, and kicks up against a mish-mash of overly showy moves. Still, it was nice to get some practice in. Luckily, every time they managed to confuse him, Darcy stood nearby with the little zapping gadget she called "her trusty taser," wearing the same expression Peggy did whenever she got her hands on a pistol. In the middle of the fight, Steve realized that he fought better in tandem with Darcy than he ever had with anyone else, as strange as that sounded.
But if Luke was a dancer, Steve was a machine, and Darcy was a spunky robot, then Deadpool was a summer carnival or maybe even Coney Island: a Ferris wheel of katana slices, a glowing carousel of spraying bullets, a roller coaster of back and front and double flips, and a proper showman's voice full quirky quips.
"YIPPEE-KI-AY, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!" Just about all of the H.Y.D.R.A. agents were either dead or down, so Wade decided to shoot the ceiling.
"Wade, stop," Steve said firmly.
"Aw, but Cap, I've still got, like, seventy-five more fights left in me."
"Oh, God, those things are going to ricochet and this will be one helluva depressing HBO Special: The Death of Captain America and Friends." Darcy covered her ears as the shots rang out.
"Now, my dearest little Darcy, do you really think I'm that crappy a shot?" Deadpool asked. A bullet bounced off a lighting fixture and landed near Luke's feet.
"Wade." Steve kept his voice as calm and even as he could. Wade dropped the gun.
"Mr. Wilson! MR. WILSON!!! There you are!" A scrawny, unscathed H.Y.D.R.A. agent ran up to Wade and hugged him tightly.
"Bob, what the hell?" Wade asked, pulling back from the agent. "They were supposed to do their thing next week."
"But Mr. Wilson, you gave us the codes and the orders two days ago. Everyone got extra concealment workshops to prepare."
Steve almost thought he saw the corners of Luke's mouth quirk upward.
"Okay, could somebody back and explain this dude?" Darcy interjected, jerking her head towards Bob.
Wade threw his arms out. "Alright, I confess: I planned to let these goofballs in here."
Steve went numb. "You work for H.Y.D.R.A.?"
"Hell no. Bob here is my pet. Or minion. Yeah, 'minion' is more politically correct. I think. He's really only into the H.Y.D.R.A. thing for the health insurance. And to please his nagging wife. Anyhoo, mercenary that I am, these H.Y.D.R.A. goons offered me an insane amount of money for info on getting in here. Now, hold on, Cap, before you go all 'NO WIRE HANGERS!' on me. They didn't have a Catholic's chance in limbo. H.Y.D.R.A.'s not all semi-competent-ish like it was back in your day---they're even bigger idiots than me. And anyway, I did it for you." Wade pulled up his mask and grinned just a little sheepishly.
"Excuse me?" The words nearly caught in Steve's throat.
"Well, c'mon dude, you were all lonely and you hadn't had one fight in longer than I've been alive and you were just kinda like...you looked like you really needed to punch something. So I gave it to you." Wade clapped him on the shoulder. "It was a hundred times better than I imagined. Totally. And it was pretty sexy, too."
"Like Captain Ryan Reynolds of the Firefly's Serenity?" Steve asked hopefully. Darcy giggled.
Wade smiled broadly. "Yeah, just like him."
"Mr. Wilson," Bob began, moving towards the door, "It's great that these people took care of you in here, but we really need to go. If we don't, we might run into Director Fury, and not even all of my H.Y.D.R.A. training could protect. Really. I saw him in action once, and I still have nightmares."
Wade bit his lip and scrunched his face up, thinking for a minute. "You know, Bob, I think I need to stick around for a little while longer. And no, I don't know how long. But tell Alex, Sandi, Outlaw, and Weasel that I'll definitely be back."
"Who?" Steve, Darcy, and Luke blurted out.
"Co-workers. Long story that I'll tell you later."
"WILSON!" Fury shouted from around the corner.
Bob sprinted out the door. "See ya!"
"It was very refreshing to meet you!" Luke called after him.
Darcy dropped her head in her hands. "Oh my God, my life. I swear it was halfway normal once."
Wade rolled his eyes. "What's so damn great about normal?"
*
Two weeks had past since the second Incident. Fury had tried several times to put Wade back in his cell under solitary confinement and failed quite spectacularly. The last time he'd escaped, he'd swung on a rope through the large control rope singing the main theme from something called The Great Escape. Steve heard Fury grumble exasperatedly and he decided it was a quiet sort of surrender.
But now it was Friday night. Steve knew this because Wade was wearing a ridiculous hat, which he was making into a Friday tradition. First it was a sombrero, then a wizard's hat, and now a giant gold helmet with either horns or handlebars on top.
"Where the hell did you get that thing?" Steve asked as he jerked his head back, avoiding Wade's attempts at kisses.
"From Luke. It matches his spear. He's going to need it for when he takes over the world," Wade said matter-of-factly, his scarred mouth currently uncovered. He was doing a great job of distracting Steve from the program on the TV, even though he'd said it was important.
Steve got that strange feeling again, the one he couldn't pin down. "Luke's told you he's going to take over the world?"
"Well, no, but he definitely could, with a voice like that. People would probably just hear it and sit down quietly, I'm pretty sure. You'd probably be his head of security, I think I'd be the Grand Vizier, and Darcy would probably be Queen or First Lady or Eva Braun or whatever."
Steve tilted his head sideways and stared dumbfounded at Wade, and then he turned back to the screen and kept trying to figure out why this nameless Doctor wouldn't get the hell out of the London blitz.
As he tried to tell himself he wasn't frightened of a mysterious child in a gas mask, Darcy jogged in carrying a large stack of books. "Hey, Steve, I thought you could use these---WHOA! What the hell is that, Wade?"
"Luke's sexy, magical helmet." His mouth broke into a satisfied grin.
Darcy dropped all of the books into Steve's lap and grabbed the helmet. She put it on her head and smirked. "Mine now."
"Darcy, what're all these?" Steve glanced at some of the titles: A History of America: 1947-Present, The Things They Carried, To Kill a Mockingbird, and The Smart Aleck's Guide to American History, among others.
"It's part of your Cultural Integration (I thought of that name). Wade's in charge of pop culture and I'm in charge of politics and history."
"Is that why we're watching this crazy thing?" Steve pointed towards the screen, where the big-eared Doctor just met up with his female friend (wife? girlfriend?).
"'That crazy thing' is called Doctor Who and it's one of the best TV shows ever, third only to Golden Girls and Maude," Wade snapped, scrunching his bumpy nose up. "The Doctor is the best. He's what I want to be when I grow up. I guess I'm getting there 'cause I have a handsome Captain and a beautiful assistant."
"I am not Rose," Darcy stated gravely. "I will be Donna or Martha, but not Rose. I want better dialogue than that."
"And I can't flirt like that guy at all!" Steve interjected.
"Geez, you guys are so nitpicky. And where's Luke?"
"I think he said he was going to visit his brother, Torgo. At least I think he said it was Torgo." Darcy hunched over and stomped around with her legs bowed out. "I tAkE CaRe Of ThE pLaCe WhIlE tHe MaStEr Is AwAy."
"MST3K is next!" Wade stood up abruptly and punched the air. "And Luke definitely is the Master! I told you he was destined for world domination!"
Steve pulled Wade back down onto the couch and began kissing his neck.
"Oh, do you really think so, boys?" Luke's came out of nowhere. They looked up and saw him smiling serenely. Wade nodded. Luke plopped down next Steve. "The three of you are much too good to me."
Steve secretly agreed. "Are you ever going to tell us how you do that? The appearing thing?"
"Now what would be the fun in that?" Luke switched his focus to the TV. "Ah, this is a good episode. I enjoy the gas mask creatures."
"The Weeping Angels are way creepier," Darcy remarked. Steve didn't really want to understand what she meant.
"Ssshh, Darce! We're not there yet!" Wade hissed.
"You know what we should do after this? Apples to Apples."
"YES! And I shall PWN with 'Insulting Trekkies.'" Wade swung his arm around Steve's abdomen.
"Do you understand them?" Steve asked Luke, sighing.
"Of course not. But they are amusing." Luke got that eerie gleam in his eye. "You're very lucky to have them, Captain."
Steve glanced at Darcy doing the Chicken Dance, still wearing the helmet, and then at Wade, who was making strange shapes with his tongue. "You know, I think you're right. It's the weirdest kind of luck, but it's probably for the best."
These were the only three people he'd met in this bizarre future who didn't defer to him or try to order him around. They didn't want an icon or a hero, at least, not anymore. They were always their uncompromising, wacky selves. Friends.