yeesh, you jackass
Here's the backstory: a now-casual friend whom I used to date back in the early part of this decade poked me on Facebook and that partly-precipitated the emails below. He and I had an amicable parting back in the day, and had since exchanged occasional emails. Further context: he recently broke up with his long-term boyfriend, who is Hispanic. Even further context, because I'm in a snarky mood: he was only so-so as a lover, and hung below average.
Just saying.
The emails, all "Subject: hello":
From me:
Hi, [Him],
How are you?
A few things have come together in prompting me to write you. First, your poke on Facebook, then my looking through your pictures and realizing your brother had just gotten married and wanting to express my best wishes (congratulations to him and his husband! mazel tov!), and your profile coming up as a match on Chemistry.com. I was surprised--pleasantly--by all of those things.
Anyway, I thought I'd say hello and see how you are doing. I hope that all is well with you.
My life is in a bit of flux at the moment, but I think that all in all, it's moving toward a positive direction. I'm trying to remember to take joy in small delights and find grace wherever I can. I've been reminded that life is inherently unpredictable, but I find that beautiful.
If you have some time available in the next couple of weeks, would you like to meet for drinks and catching up?
best,
[Me]
His reply:
Thanks for the kind email, [Me]. I'll pass on your best wishes to my brother and his hubby.
I want to be completely honest with you, I only think of you as a friend now, [Me]. The things that happened between you and me in the past will never happen again. Also, I'm not sure it would be the best thing for me right now, given what I'm going through, to rekindle our friendship in any significant way. Perhaps in the future.
Ugh, that was a shitty email to have to write. I hope you understand... I wish you all the best.
My reply:
[Him],
Of course I understand.
But while I certainly appreciate candor--and thanks for that--tact would have been pleasant, too.
I did reply positively to your profile match on Chemistry, by the way, since it seemed the polite thing to do with a friend's profile. You'll want to ignore that.
However, none of this was me suggesting that we run off to Iowa together (or even to bed), but that we get together for drinks and catching up. I don't know who you've become in the years since we last spent any time together, and I wanted to find out--as a friend. Anything else would have been surprising to me, in all honesty. I mean, you're cute and all, but seriously? I don't know you anymore, and jumping into anything other than friendship was not on the table.
I don't really know what you're going through at the moment, but as it's the kind of thing that makes you act like a jackass... well, I'm sorry that you have to go through it.
I hope it turns out for the best for you.
[Me]
And that, my friends, is a little bit of what life's been like lately.
[Editing to add the following postscript, his just-received reply to my last message:]
I'm so sorry. It's all this drama in my life that caused me to send you such a rude email. And after you sent me such a kind email, and at a time that I could really use a good friend, and I blew it.
What else can I say?
I'm wishing you a big hug, and once again, sorry.
My reaction, although I have not yet replied:
Yeah, you did blow it.
Jackass.
'Cause damn, I can only be so nice, and I am all out.
And no, I am not going to turn around and be nice now.
Perhaps in the future.
Just saying.
The emails, all "Subject: hello":
From me:
Hi, [Him],
How are you?
A few things have come together in prompting me to write you. First, your poke on Facebook, then my looking through your pictures and realizing your brother had just gotten married and wanting to express my best wishes (congratulations to him and his husband! mazel tov!), and your profile coming up as a match on Chemistry.com. I was surprised--pleasantly--by all of those things.
Anyway, I thought I'd say hello and see how you are doing. I hope that all is well with you.
My life is in a bit of flux at the moment, but I think that all in all, it's moving toward a positive direction. I'm trying to remember to take joy in small delights and find grace wherever I can. I've been reminded that life is inherently unpredictable, but I find that beautiful.
If you have some time available in the next couple of weeks, would you like to meet for drinks and catching up?
best,
[Me]
His reply:
Thanks for the kind email, [Me]. I'll pass on your best wishes to my brother and his hubby.
I want to be completely honest with you, I only think of you as a friend now, [Me]. The things that happened between you and me in the past will never happen again. Also, I'm not sure it would be the best thing for me right now, given what I'm going through, to rekindle our friendship in any significant way. Perhaps in the future.
Ugh, that was a shitty email to have to write. I hope you understand... I wish you all the best.
My reply:
[Him],
Of course I understand.
But while I certainly appreciate candor--and thanks for that--tact would have been pleasant, too.
I did reply positively to your profile match on Chemistry, by the way, since it seemed the polite thing to do with a friend's profile. You'll want to ignore that.
However, none of this was me suggesting that we run off to Iowa together (or even to bed), but that we get together for drinks and catching up. I don't know who you've become in the years since we last spent any time together, and I wanted to find out--as a friend. Anything else would have been surprising to me, in all honesty. I mean, you're cute and all, but seriously? I don't know you anymore, and jumping into anything other than friendship was not on the table.
I don't really know what you're going through at the moment, but as it's the kind of thing that makes you act like a jackass... well, I'm sorry that you have to go through it.
I hope it turns out for the best for you.
[Me]
And that, my friends, is a little bit of what life's been like lately.
[Editing to add the following postscript, his just-received reply to my last message:]
I'm so sorry. It's all this drama in my life that caused me to send you such a rude email. And after you sent me such a kind email, and at a time that I could really use a good friend, and I blew it.
What else can I say?
I'm wishing you a big hug, and once again, sorry.
My reaction, although I have not yet replied:
Yeah, you did blow it.
Jackass.
'Cause damn, I can only be so nice, and I am all out.
And no, I am not going to turn around and be nice now.
Perhaps in the future.