aging. 2010
I am having a bunch of fun during the Olympics. That is all.
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I've been having nightmares lately and it's completely retarded. From what I figure most people have nightmares when there is something really bothering them in life but I think for me it's the opposite; I think I am so used to stress and anxiety by now that when there is none to be found it just... creates them in my head.
For example, the other day I had a dream where I needed some old electronic part to fix an important machine at the pub and after some searching around it was only sold at this one pawn shop operated by a young girl near a wooded area. I can't remember the details but I ended up going there drunk, discovered that the part I needed wasn't there and blacking out.
The next morning I find myself at home hung over. I listen to the news on the radio to discover that the same girl was found molested and murdered. An immense sense of dread comes over me as I wonder it could have been me that did it because the time she was killed apparently was close to when I visited her shop or something. So for the rest of the dream I am terrified that I may be a raping murderer. The RCMP launches an investigation and puts out a warrant for someone other guy's arrest. This doesn't relieve me of my worries though so I continue to try and mislead the investigation so the police can't conduct a proper investigation.
I fail though and eventually the police end up completing their investigation and capturing their suspect and then discover that it was in fact that other guy and not me that raped and murdered that girl. You'd figure everything would be fine at that point but from this point on I am morally tormented by the fact that I purposely tried to mislead the police in bringing the girl's murderer to justice and I search around to find ways to atone but not finding any way to do that.
In short, it was completely retarded.
Another dream I still remember is me being in nursing class and the instructor suddenly giving us a midterm project that's to be finished in three hours. The midterm project is for everyone to produce an art piece that represents my views on the nursing profession and it has to be created with an essay explaining the piece AND with enough research and information to defend the piece in a critique. I object for like, obvious reasons and then they just tell me that the scope of the nursing profession has broadened recently to include fine arts and expressive skills and that anyone who can't complete the project will non-master and be dropped from the program. So for the rest of the dream, we're all running around trying to do ART when we have absolutely no background on such a thing in two hours while complaining about just how retarded the unfair the entire project is.
And yesterday I had a dream that I went to a resort hotel to take a vacation from all the stress and having the entire city being taken over by Nazies (ironic). They were murdering everyone and I found myself trapped on the top floor of this baroque hotel building and I had to somehow stealthily escape. I escape after quite a bit of struggle only to find that the nazies have razed the entire world somehow and I had to survive a post-apoclyptic north america and try and survive. Okay this dream was kind of fun, but it was still very stressful you know, trying to dodge away from imaginary horrors isn't really all that relaxing. No wonder I keep losing hair.
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This is sort of related.
I've been looking at some pictures of myself when I was a few years younger. It was most striking just how lean and youthful I looked. I mean I always considered myself kind of fat but I wasn't even really, a few years back. I looked a bit stocky but I looked way more anatomically correct than I remember. I guess I was just too hard on myself back then because my younger self looks pretty cool. Actually, he probably WAS a LOT cooler than I am today. In comparison I look so much more rotund and stocky. It's not exactly a bad thing, but it's very different. My aunt visited some months back and she told me that I finally look like I've aged and I didn't think about it much until I saw these pictures and compared them directly with pictures I took of myself recently. I really do look older. I don't look OLD, but there is definately a difference; the me of 23 (which I consider the year when I was really BLOOMING) looks like a kid and I don't now. In all regards, there is nothing that connects me to an adolescent. I am just 100% adult, whether my brain is ready for it or not.
I've been fussing over age again. It's like herpes flaring up now and then (an expression I use quite frequently). I suppose in many ways I am grieving over it and going to the five stages as with any sort of grief. I think I am kind of on the acceptance phase of the whole thing though so I think all of this may finally run it's course for a while (until I hit another distinct age group perhaps). One of the things that was bothering me the most was the question of whether I squandered my youth effectively (kind of funny because the question before has always been have I worked during my youth most effectively, which I think is another sign that I am different now). I mean youth only comes once in a lifetime and that young adulthood phase is really the prime few years of an individual's entire lifetime that will never EVER come again... so if I spent it like a prude I would be really regret it.
I see young people doing stupid shit and thinking it's like the best, newest, and the most awesomest thing ever that nobody has ever done before and I get kind of envious sometimes. It'd be nice to feel that amazing and invincible again. But I guess in truth I'm okay with it because I've done plenty of stupid awesome things myself. If I ask myself could I have done the things I've done in the past better the answer will always be yes because you could always do everything better but if I ask myself have I used my youth fairly effectively as well as squandered it pretty well I'd say I did because I got to do some crazy fucking stuff in fact. I worked shitty jobs, experienced university life, played games for days, went on crazy adventures, stalked the streets in the dead of nights scaring pedestrians, abused my hair like crazy when I had any, stayed up for days, both deprived and gorged myself, partied hard, got plenty laid, drank like a tank, traveled to all sorts of places, got to do TONS of fucking drugs and lived it up. It's weird to think that was me but that was all me, no one new I meet will ever believe me, but it all happened and I can confidently say that I lived it up in my own way. I never did get involved in any drunken college circle jerk orgy though. I suppose I can live with a few regrets.
I think I should actually be glad that I was able to make the transition without lingering issues actually which I should actually give myself props for. Except for most assuredly becoming bald in the near future and having to bear the emotional trauma of being a full time student again for a couple more years I'm still doing pretty good. I mean this could have been MUCH worse. I could have just not grown up, and I mean you know how tragic that gets.
So maybe I am not jealous of youth as much as I think I do after all. I got to live it, and after thinking about it, I actually don't regret it at all. Sure I've had some embarrassing moments or what if I was this or that, but none of them are really all that important and in hindsight, something that makes that time of one's life more fun to think about.
Wow, suddenly I don't really feel that old anymore. I think I just got over another neurosis. I am so glad I am such a good listener of my own problems. I am truly all sorts of outrageous.
.
.
.
.
.
I've been having nightmares lately and it's completely retarded. From what I figure most people have nightmares when there is something really bothering them in life but I think for me it's the opposite; I think I am so used to stress and anxiety by now that when there is none to be found it just... creates them in my head.
For example, the other day I had a dream where I needed some old electronic part to fix an important machine at the pub and after some searching around it was only sold at this one pawn shop operated by a young girl near a wooded area. I can't remember the details but I ended up going there drunk, discovered that the part I needed wasn't there and blacking out.
The next morning I find myself at home hung over. I listen to the news on the radio to discover that the same girl was found molested and murdered. An immense sense of dread comes over me as I wonder it could have been me that did it because the time she was killed apparently was close to when I visited her shop or something. So for the rest of the dream I am terrified that I may be a raping murderer. The RCMP launches an investigation and puts out a warrant for someone other guy's arrest. This doesn't relieve me of my worries though so I continue to try and mislead the investigation so the police can't conduct a proper investigation.
I fail though and eventually the police end up completing their investigation and capturing their suspect and then discover that it was in fact that other guy and not me that raped and murdered that girl. You'd figure everything would be fine at that point but from this point on I am morally tormented by the fact that I purposely tried to mislead the police in bringing the girl's murderer to justice and I search around to find ways to atone but not finding any way to do that.
In short, it was completely retarded.
Another dream I still remember is me being in nursing class and the instructor suddenly giving us a midterm project that's to be finished in three hours. The midterm project is for everyone to produce an art piece that represents my views on the nursing profession and it has to be created with an essay explaining the piece AND with enough research and information to defend the piece in a critique. I object for like, obvious reasons and then they just tell me that the scope of the nursing profession has broadened recently to include fine arts and expressive skills and that anyone who can't complete the project will non-master and be dropped from the program. So for the rest of the dream, we're all running around trying to do ART when we have absolutely no background on such a thing in two hours while complaining about just how retarded the unfair the entire project is.
And yesterday I had a dream that I went to a resort hotel to take a vacation from all the stress and having the entire city being taken over by Nazies (ironic). They were murdering everyone and I found myself trapped on the top floor of this baroque hotel building and I had to somehow stealthily escape. I escape after quite a bit of struggle only to find that the nazies have razed the entire world somehow and I had to survive a post-apoclyptic north america and try and survive. Okay this dream was kind of fun, but it was still very stressful you know, trying to dodge away from imaginary horrors isn't really all that relaxing. No wonder I keep losing hair.
.
.
.
This is sort of related.
I've been looking at some pictures of myself when I was a few years younger. It was most striking just how lean and youthful I looked. I mean I always considered myself kind of fat but I wasn't even really, a few years back. I looked a bit stocky but I looked way more anatomically correct than I remember. I guess I was just too hard on myself back then because my younger self looks pretty cool. Actually, he probably WAS a LOT cooler than I am today. In comparison I look so much more rotund and stocky. It's not exactly a bad thing, but it's very different. My aunt visited some months back and she told me that I finally look like I've aged and I didn't think about it much until I saw these pictures and compared them directly with pictures I took of myself recently. I really do look older. I don't look OLD, but there is definately a difference; the me of 23 (which I consider the year when I was really BLOOMING) looks like a kid and I don't now. In all regards, there is nothing that connects me to an adolescent. I am just 100% adult, whether my brain is ready for it or not.
I've been fussing over age again. It's like herpes flaring up now and then (an expression I use quite frequently). I suppose in many ways I am grieving over it and going to the five stages as with any sort of grief. I think I am kind of on the acceptance phase of the whole thing though so I think all of this may finally run it's course for a while (until I hit another distinct age group perhaps). One of the things that was bothering me the most was the question of whether I squandered my youth effectively (kind of funny because the question before has always been have I worked during my youth most effectively, which I think is another sign that I am different now). I mean youth only comes once in a lifetime and that young adulthood phase is really the prime few years of an individual's entire lifetime that will never EVER come again... so if I spent it like a prude I would be really regret it.
I see young people doing stupid shit and thinking it's like the best, newest, and the most awesomest thing ever that nobody has ever done before and I get kind of envious sometimes. It'd be nice to feel that amazing and invincible again. But I guess in truth I'm okay with it because I've done plenty of stupid awesome things myself. If I ask myself could I have done the things I've done in the past better the answer will always be yes because you could always do everything better but if I ask myself have I used my youth fairly effectively as well as squandered it pretty well I'd say I did because I got to do some crazy fucking stuff in fact. I worked shitty jobs, experienced university life, played games for days, went on crazy adventures, stalked the streets in the dead of nights scaring pedestrians, abused my hair like crazy when I had any, stayed up for days, both deprived and gorged myself, partied hard, got plenty laid, drank like a tank, traveled to all sorts of places, got to do TONS of fucking drugs and lived it up. It's weird to think that was me but that was all me, no one new I meet will ever believe me, but it all happened and I can confidently say that I lived it up in my own way. I never did get involved in any drunken college circle jerk orgy though. I suppose I can live with a few regrets.
I think I should actually be glad that I was able to make the transition without lingering issues actually which I should actually give myself props for. Except for most assuredly becoming bald in the near future and having to bear the emotional trauma of being a full time student again for a couple more years I'm still doing pretty good. I mean this could have been MUCH worse. I could have just not grown up, and I mean you know how tragic that gets.
So maybe I am not jealous of youth as much as I think I do after all. I got to live it, and after thinking about it, I actually don't regret it at all. Sure I've had some embarrassing moments or what if I was this or that, but none of them are really all that important and in hindsight, something that makes that time of one's life more fun to think about.
Wow, suddenly I don't really feel that old anymore. I think I just got over another neurosis. I am so glad I am such a good listener of my own problems. I am truly all sorts of outrageous.