Yes Mother
Well, I have tried to get an early-ish night. I have been told over and over again to listen when my body wants me to sleep and to give in more easily, but sometimes, it's just not that easy. I have had a wonderful night. I went to choir, sight-sang, enjoyed myself, and came home. Here I messaged my conductor to say thanks, as he's a good friend of mine, and a good person to talk to. I also had a guy who likes me at work message me, and talk to me for a while. I watched a sad movie, ate hot fudge, strawberries and cream, not feeling too guilty as I know I'm doing bootcamp in the morning. Bath, and listening to an old tape that got me through a hard patch in my life in high-school, as it continues to when I need it now.
I've played the piano, I've read a bit of a romance novel, I've thought about a brilliant author I now love to bits, Hermann Hesse, who everyone should read at some point or another. I've thought about the woman who died who's funeral I sang at, the mother of 3 young boys. I'v wondered what it would be like as the boy, oldest, middle child and youngest. What the husband went through, and is going through. Her friends, each one of them. People who didn't know her like me, but who have been touched and moved, blessed even through her passing on from the pain of cancer. And a woman. A woman recently diagnosed of the same cancer, who is getting worse more rapidly, and who went to the funeral, who also has two boys a the same school. A brave woman, who went to show her support, love and understanding for a woman who has been through what she will go through.
I have thought about uni, a friend in Vienna, my vocal problems. The fact that I can wor through those problems. How can you be so happy and sad, something so confusing and yet so clear? How can a life seem so blessed and cursed? There is such a fine line, so fine.
Something that occurred to me tonight is, well, I used to think I was afraid of commitment, but I'm not sure if that is it entirely. I like people, but don't love them, and if they ask me out, I'll say yes, and they will think it's love, I'll feel smothered and run away. I have never been asked out by someone I actually liked in the first place. Someone who I could be blindly in love with. There is someone who has hurt me in the past, and doesn't know that they have, and yet I could easily love that person again, they are on a pedestal. The real problem now is, how will anyone live up to that blind love of someone else that I have. How can anyone beat a figurement of my imagination. Does it mean I am doomed in love for even now if this person decided that they loved me, they would dissapoint me, as my expectation has surely gone too high.
See, I think I need someone I love to love me. People love me, and I love people, but those two never seem to co-incide, and that hurts.
Oh well, I just wanted to get that down somewhere.
Love you guys
~Rach/Cricket
I've played the piano, I've read a bit of a romance novel, I've thought about a brilliant author I now love to bits, Hermann Hesse, who everyone should read at some point or another. I've thought about the woman who died who's funeral I sang at, the mother of 3 young boys. I'v wondered what it would be like as the boy, oldest, middle child and youngest. What the husband went through, and is going through. Her friends, each one of them. People who didn't know her like me, but who have been touched and moved, blessed even through her passing on from the pain of cancer. And a woman. A woman recently diagnosed of the same cancer, who is getting worse more rapidly, and who went to the funeral, who also has two boys a the same school. A brave woman, who went to show her support, love and understanding for a woman who has been through what she will go through.
I have thought about uni, a friend in Vienna, my vocal problems. The fact that I can wor through those problems. How can you be so happy and sad, something so confusing and yet so clear? How can a life seem so blessed and cursed? There is such a fine line, so fine.
Something that occurred to me tonight is, well, I used to think I was afraid of commitment, but I'm not sure if that is it entirely. I like people, but don't love them, and if they ask me out, I'll say yes, and they will think it's love, I'll feel smothered and run away. I have never been asked out by someone I actually liked in the first place. Someone who I could be blindly in love with. There is someone who has hurt me in the past, and doesn't know that they have, and yet I could easily love that person again, they are on a pedestal. The real problem now is, how will anyone live up to that blind love of someone else that I have. How can anyone beat a figurement of my imagination. Does it mean I am doomed in love for even now if this person decided that they loved me, they would dissapoint me, as my expectation has surely gone too high.
See, I think I need someone I love to love me. People love me, and I love people, but those two never seem to co-incide, and that hurts.
Oh well, I just wanted to get that down somewhere.
Love you guys
~Rach/Cricket