(no subject)
the world becomes a whole different place after you've looked to the stars...i admit it right now im pretty drunk and a little high, i know, fuck, i've had way too much to drink, but i don't know, i just can't deal with it alone, i don't think i have the strength to carry on like this without at least some sort of substance to help me along, i have nobody, my parents are ready to kick me out, my sister and i are indifferent to each other, and my friends just say the same things over and over again, i know it all, i know everything i need to, i have all the tools available to me, but for some reason i can't bring myself to pick them up and use them to fix things, or make things better, i hate myself, i hate this life, i hate it, and i know the path to improvement leads to opening my mind to the point where i no longer hate it all, but for whatever reason i don't do it, maybe it's b/c im afraid of change, probably now that i think of it, fuck im so weak, i think that's why i work to improve myself physically, b/c i know how weak willed i am, so no matter how hard i try i'll always fall short, fuck, i don't know what's gonna happen, all i know is that despite how bad it is for me, the only thing truely there for me these days is drugs and alcohol, it's the only thing that makes me feel better, if even for a small while, my vision isn't clear right now, it's as muddy and whatever that other fuckin' word is for not clear, fuck, as ever, but im being as honest as i can about things, b/c i can't keep my thoughts inside my head anymore, i've lost my internal monologue till i sober up substantially, but for now i need to put my thoughts out one way or another, so shit, this is the best i could think of b/c nobody really reads this? so it won't effect the world, no one will read this and start getting worried about me contemplating suicide or anything, b/c im not contemplating it, b/c to even consider suicide is to be truely weaker than even i, but at the same time stronger than myself, b/c while you'd be weak of concept, you would be strong willed, the weak willed will never kill themselves, why? b/c they don't have the power, they don't have the power to do anything but let death come to them and take them away, they will never send a letter to death, they just won't take precautions to prevent it, oh lord, help me, i can't do this alone, i know that others feel the same way, but i feel that no matter how hard it seems it is always possible, which is why i feel bad just feeling bad about the way things are going, i don't think what im saying is truely coherent anymore, so im done talkking for now goodnight