If I didn't write these down, I would forget I ever had a different opinion.
Confessions.
I'm going to try my hardest to be straightedge again. I don't know what influenced me to think I ever wanted to drink alcohol. I used to have equally as much (or even more) fun when I was sober. I'd be high on life and drunk on laughter all fucking day, everyday. I never even needed the alcohol. Reality, unaffected by alcohol, is as amazing as it gets. Why would I ever want to waste away my time in reality? Fuck that. Seriously. I never even wanted to drink. The pressure got too much and I cracked. That's weak. What the hell even happened to make me break? I remember where I had my first drink and who was there. It was at a bowling alley with a bunch of college friends. What the hell made me want to drink at a bowling alley? Seriously. I am such a retard.
Self-respect. I lost it the moment I chose to do a series of things I swore on my life, I would never do. Screw it, I'm getting it back! Instead of making a "list of reckless things to do before my 21st", I'm making a "list of things I want to get back" leading up to, on and after my birthday. These are my resolutions for my 21st birthday:
- I am not drinking alcohol ever again.
- I will never try drugs.
- I will never smoke.
- I will completely and utterly get over the boy I've been hung up on for way too fucking long.
- I will read more (though I've been doing that all holidays. I'm up to my 7th book for the summer!)
- I am most definitely going to try harder in my studies.
- I will participate more in campus life. My social life revolves entirely around college, but I want to expand it.
- I will join a soccer team with Erin.
- I will learn a language - most likely French - with Sam.
- I will do more volunteering.
- I'll learn how to dance in public without the help of alcohol (and also take dancing lessons).
- I will love everybody more (if that's possible. I don't think it's possible to love you lot more than I do now).
It's no wonder I couldn't find my damn identity. It was drowning in societal pressure. I'm tired of caving. I'M in charge here. I'm getting myself back. Stuff your standards, stuff your norms - if I don't want to do it, I FUCKING WELL WON'T. I don't care what you say. This is going to be difficult, but I owe it to myself. I really, really do.