Short crackfic
So it started out as Bee linking me to a CFUD post about roadtrips. And then I commented that a panfandom roadtrip could be a really great/really bad RP idea -- or fic idea.
And then the plunnies moved in.
Cid Highwind had been riding this sadistic little vehicle for the better part of two years. He'd seen people come and go, visited more worlds than he cared to admit, and drunk a whole lot of different kinds of alcohol.
So when the last of his little freeloaders was dropped off, he kind of assumed that he'd go back home. Sure, it had been nice to not have to fight Heartless all the time -- to not have to deal with Yuffie in the mornings, when all he wanted was some tea, goddammit -- to not have to see Leon's moody face day in and day out. He kinda missed that moody face, though, and Yuffie -- don't you dare tell her -- and fighting Heartless wasn't so bad. They hadn't killed him yet, right?
But no. He didn't get to go home. The vehicle -- which had turned itself into a gummiship for this part of the trip, but could just as easily become a van or a sportscar or a motorcycle -- resisted all attempts to head toward Radiant Garden. Cid figured out pretty soon what that meant.
More freeloaders.
Groaning to himself, he checked his alcohol stash and found about a mouthful of vodka.
Wishing for a goddamn cigarette -- and some tea, while he was at it -- he downed the vodka and leaned back.
---
The first person he picked up was a moody little fuck who could give Leon pointers. He had blond bedhead-hair that looked like it was trying to imitate Cloud's hairstyle and had just barely fallen short. He wore all black, glared readily when addressed as "Hey, you!" and did not offer any information on himself.
Cid sighed and tried to turn the gummiship toward Port Royal. He needed to refill his alcohol stash.
Again, the gummiship resisted his efforts to pick the next destination. Instead, it moved them in what seemed like the complete opposite direction.
That was how Selphie Tilmitt, SeeD mercenary and clearly a relative of Yuffie despite the lack of physical resemblance, joined their merry little crew.
---
Cid swore he was going to kill his passengers.
Selphie did not shut up. EVER. Even in her sleep, she snored and mumbled and made gurgling noises that freaked the hell out of Cid. She also seemed intent on getting something out of the other passenger, and could be quite loud in her attempts.
The other passenger, taking exception to this, had apparently made the decision at some point that it was perfectly alright to use physical force to shut Selphie up. That had given Cid a start, because by "use physical force" the moody little blond meant "keyblade the hell out of her."
Selphie dodged and kicked him in the nuts.
While Cid was still reeling from seeing the kid use keyblades, Roxas was busy trying to grapple with Selphie. She was taller than him, and put her knees and elbows to good use. Eventually, the kid gave it up and sulked in a corner. Selphie, smug, started chattering Cid's ear off.
This process more or less repeated itself for three days.
Yeah, he really was going to kill the both of them. Slowly.
---
The next freeloader to get on was some punk named Uchiha Sasuke. Selphie managed to coax his name out of him, but nothing else. He was beamed on board -- beamed, like in those crappy alien movies that ShinRa used to produce! -- and hadn't liked his new situation at all.
It probably didn't help that Selphie had gotten one look at his very-exposed chest and decided that she was going to stalk him. When she had made her new Goal In Life obvious, Cid and Roxas had shared a look -- the first, last, and only look they shared -- of "better him than me," before going back to piloting this piece of shit and sulking, respectively.
Sasuke turned out to be sort of an angry version of Roxas. He didn't like to talk, obviously hated the attention Selphie poured on him -- although he also seemed resigned to it, which was a little odd, considering that she'd only just started stalking him -- but once he was riled up, it took him hours to simmer down. Roxas, on the other hand, went from angry to calming down to disinterested in a matter of minutes.
Sasuke's presence, at least, had the pleasant side-effect of distracting Selphie, which in turn brought an end to her wrestling matches with Roxas, which made Cid want to kill them all less. For that alone, Cid would tolerate the second moody kid on board.
Still, no one had said anything about a third.
---
Riku was also beamed onto the ship -- apparently in the middle of school, as he had a school uniform on, and a bookbag on his arm. That was the first thing Cid noticed.
The second was that Roxas apparently took exception to Riku's face, seeing as how he tried to keyblade it off.
Riku, for his part, attempted to keyblade off Roxas's hands. Neither of them were successful, and their impromptu fight was brought to a screeching halt when Sasuke, apparently having been woken up by the clangs and other battle noises, summoned fucking huge-ass SNAKES that forcibly held the two apart.
"Stop that," he ordered.
The two boys got rid of their keyblades, noticeably cowed.
"Good," snake-boy said, then turned on his heel and went back to his tiny little gummiship room.
The two boys eyed each other warily, but didn't start fighting again. Cid was impressed. Selphie was enthralled.
She had hearts in her eyes and everything.
Cid groaned and turned the 'ship towards Port Royal. This time, it went.
He really needed a smoke. And maybe some rum.
And then the plunnies moved in.
Cid Highwind had been riding this sadistic little vehicle for the better part of two years. He'd seen people come and go, visited more worlds than he cared to admit, and drunk a whole lot of different kinds of alcohol.
So when the last of his little freeloaders was dropped off, he kind of assumed that he'd go back home. Sure, it had been nice to not have to fight Heartless all the time -- to not have to deal with Yuffie in the mornings, when all he wanted was some tea, goddammit -- to not have to see Leon's moody face day in and day out. He kinda missed that moody face, though, and Yuffie -- don't you dare tell her -- and fighting Heartless wasn't so bad. They hadn't killed him yet, right?
But no. He didn't get to go home. The vehicle -- which had turned itself into a gummiship for this part of the trip, but could just as easily become a van or a sportscar or a motorcycle -- resisted all attempts to head toward Radiant Garden. Cid figured out pretty soon what that meant.
More freeloaders.
Groaning to himself, he checked his alcohol stash and found about a mouthful of vodka.
Wishing for a goddamn cigarette -- and some tea, while he was at it -- he downed the vodka and leaned back.
---
The first person he picked up was a moody little fuck who could give Leon pointers. He had blond bedhead-hair that looked like it was trying to imitate Cloud's hairstyle and had just barely fallen short. He wore all black, glared readily when addressed as "Hey, you!" and did not offer any information on himself.
Cid sighed and tried to turn the gummiship toward Port Royal. He needed to refill his alcohol stash.
Again, the gummiship resisted his efforts to pick the next destination. Instead, it moved them in what seemed like the complete opposite direction.
That was how Selphie Tilmitt, SeeD mercenary and clearly a relative of Yuffie despite the lack of physical resemblance, joined their merry little crew.
---
Cid swore he was going to kill his passengers.
Selphie did not shut up. EVER. Even in her sleep, she snored and mumbled and made gurgling noises that freaked the hell out of Cid. She also seemed intent on getting something out of the other passenger, and could be quite loud in her attempts.
The other passenger, taking exception to this, had apparently made the decision at some point that it was perfectly alright to use physical force to shut Selphie up. That had given Cid a start, because by "use physical force" the moody little blond meant "keyblade the hell out of her."
Selphie dodged and kicked him in the nuts.
While Cid was still reeling from seeing the kid use keyblades, Roxas was busy trying to grapple with Selphie. She was taller than him, and put her knees and elbows to good use. Eventually, the kid gave it up and sulked in a corner. Selphie, smug, started chattering Cid's ear off.
This process more or less repeated itself for three days.
Yeah, he really was going to kill the both of them. Slowly.
---
The next freeloader to get on was some punk named Uchiha Sasuke. Selphie managed to coax his name out of him, but nothing else. He was beamed on board -- beamed, like in those crappy alien movies that ShinRa used to produce! -- and hadn't liked his new situation at all.
It probably didn't help that Selphie had gotten one look at his very-exposed chest and decided that she was going to stalk him. When she had made her new Goal In Life obvious, Cid and Roxas had shared a look -- the first, last, and only look they shared -- of "better him than me," before going back to piloting this piece of shit and sulking, respectively.
Sasuke turned out to be sort of an angry version of Roxas. He didn't like to talk, obviously hated the attention Selphie poured on him -- although he also seemed resigned to it, which was a little odd, considering that she'd only just started stalking him -- but once he was riled up, it took him hours to simmer down. Roxas, on the other hand, went from angry to calming down to disinterested in a matter of minutes.
Sasuke's presence, at least, had the pleasant side-effect of distracting Selphie, which in turn brought an end to her wrestling matches with Roxas, which made Cid want to kill them all less. For that alone, Cid would tolerate the second moody kid on board.
Still, no one had said anything about a third.
---
Riku was also beamed onto the ship -- apparently in the middle of school, as he had a school uniform on, and a bookbag on his arm. That was the first thing Cid noticed.
The second was that Roxas apparently took exception to Riku's face, seeing as how he tried to keyblade it off.
Riku, for his part, attempted to keyblade off Roxas's hands. Neither of them were successful, and their impromptu fight was brought to a screeching halt when Sasuke, apparently having been woken up by the clangs and other battle noises, summoned fucking huge-ass SNAKES that forcibly held the two apart.
"Stop that," he ordered.
The two boys got rid of their keyblades, noticeably cowed.
"Good," snake-boy said, then turned on his heel and went back to his tiny little gummiship room.
The two boys eyed each other warily, but didn't start fighting again. Cid was impressed. Selphie was enthralled.
She had hearts in her eyes and everything.
Cid groaned and turned the 'ship towards Port Royal. This time, it went.
He really needed a smoke. And maybe some rum.