un/luck
i've never hated life. i always took pride in the fact that life and i got along just fine. nothing really awful ever seemed to happen to me. but i firmly believe that the theory of convergence follows me everywhere. so each time something great is about to happen or already did happen, something equally as bad must occur as if to say "not so fast, can't be that happy. not all at once."
maybe because i believe it's true it continues to be true. maybe if i just stopped thinking that the theory is true then this need to bad to weigh out equally with good would just go away.
but maybe i'm just destined to live my life this way. what happens if i become incredibly successful one day, will my punishment be equally great? because finally the biggest thing in my 18 year old life was about to happen so naturally the worst thing in my 18 year old life has happened. and neither are as life changing as something things in life are bound to be, so what happens then? will i be responsible for each bad event that happens in my family just because i strive to be happy and succeed?
and i know none of this made sense to anyone but me, but when i spend a weekend visiting a pet hospital only to see my baby, my pride and joy put to sleep after spending 13 years of my life with him... i tend to get a little pessimistic. and then when i wake up the next morning, all out of tears, only stuck with this empty feeling in my stomach, i say to myself "it can't get worse right now." only to have my mother come home early and tell me that my grandfather was taken to the hospital.
so if after all that, i'm supposed to love life. then by all means, tell me i'm crazy. but at this point i'm feeling my pessimism taking over and all i feel for life is bitter feelings and utter hatred.
and when i leave on friday, i hope to wipe my slate clean and make a clean break. i can't bring this theory with me, because i have to much i need to accomplish at school that i can't do with that burden following me. i worry, because september is usually an awful month to me, but it can't be this year. this year has to be different because this one counts more than all the others.
so in conclusion, (even though no one took the time to read this all)
dear life, time to give me and my family a break, ok? just hold off for a while now because these past few days have been enough, alright? hopefully, me.
maybe because i believe it's true it continues to be true. maybe if i just stopped thinking that the theory is true then this need to bad to weigh out equally with good would just go away.
but maybe i'm just destined to live my life this way. what happens if i become incredibly successful one day, will my punishment be equally great? because finally the biggest thing in my 18 year old life was about to happen so naturally the worst thing in my 18 year old life has happened. and neither are as life changing as something things in life are bound to be, so what happens then? will i be responsible for each bad event that happens in my family just because i strive to be happy and succeed?
and i know none of this made sense to anyone but me, but when i spend a weekend visiting a pet hospital only to see my baby, my pride and joy put to sleep after spending 13 years of my life with him... i tend to get a little pessimistic. and then when i wake up the next morning, all out of tears, only stuck with this empty feeling in my stomach, i say to myself "it can't get worse right now." only to have my mother come home early and tell me that my grandfather was taken to the hospital.
so if after all that, i'm supposed to love life. then by all means, tell me i'm crazy. but at this point i'm feeling my pessimism taking over and all i feel for life is bitter feelings and utter hatred.
and when i leave on friday, i hope to wipe my slate clean and make a clean break. i can't bring this theory with me, because i have to much i need to accomplish at school that i can't do with that burden following me. i worry, because september is usually an awful month to me, but it can't be this year. this year has to be different because this one counts more than all the others.
so in conclusion, (even though no one took the time to read this all)
dear life, time to give me and my family a break, ok? just hold off for a while now because these past few days have been enough, alright? hopefully, me.