well, hello
currently posting this from manhattan, new york. today I thought it would be a good idea to try and find my old livejournal and read the sort of things I used to write. luckily I still remembered my user name and password, so I could read all the posts I made privately as well. I didn't even remember if this was the main livejournal I used (I know I had two or three) so I was shocked to see that there were like 400 entries here. I'd forgotten how much I used to write.
I'm not sure exactly when I started keeping a journal, but it would have been year 5 or 6 (1999-2000, a good 12 years ago). the last entry here is from 2010, after I started dating francis. it doesn't seem like a long time ago to me, but of course a lot has happened since then.
it's a shame I stopped writing, because I feel like those two years of my life will never really be remembered or documented too well. I smoked a lot of pot during that time, which probably lead to complacency, unmotivation. in a way I feel like I was pretty stable then, emotionally, and didn't feel the need to express myself in any way. but looking back, it was the sort of stability you get from routine.
I graduated from university, finally, which has been the most anti-climactic 'life event' so far. not sure if that's because I'm getting older and more jaded, or if it's because I (stupidly and sadly) missed the actual ceremony and just got my two degrees in the mail. I did well overall, getting an average of 75-ish, meaning I can go on to do post-graduate studies no worries - in Australia at least. I don't know if I want to do that any time soon though. I feel like I need to see what life is like outside of institutions. from pre-primary (4 years old) to graduating university (22 years old) I spent my whole life in the schooling system. and the scary thing is I never really questioned what sort of effect that would have on me until I was nearing the end of my degree and started really thinking about what I would do afterwards. in a way, I became dependent on school to give my life purpose and structure and validation. strangely enough, as soon as I stopped finding university worthwhile (after fourth year or so) I started feeling like I was 'missing out' on what the rest of life had to offer - I started getting really restless.
but since graduating, I've come to realise that the 'rest of life', for most people my age, is either coping with or avoiding responsibility. and that usually means work. thankfully I haven't had to work full time yet. from what foresight I may have gained over the years, I think I'll find working fulltime pretty unbearable unless I found a job that was somewhat enriching and satisfying to me. I was teaching quite a bit before I left for NY. actually I was pretty much making a living from teaching, which was sweet because I was my own boss and didn't have to work during the day and was earning decent money for someone my age, with my (lack of?) qualifications.
being in new york has given me a chance to have a good long hard think about what I want to do. even deciding what I want to do on a daily or hourly basis is giving me an idea of what I want to do in the long term, or at least what sort of lifestyle I want to lead.
sometimes you need to be pulled out of your routine to really let your thoughts come to surface. I think we get used to suppressing what we want because we think we don't have the time/money/ability to make it happen. but when you have the luxury of time, and some solitude, you start to feel more comfortable with being honest with yourself. the stress of everyday life and the influences of people around you are quite restricting.
I'm not sure exactly when I started keeping a journal, but it would have been year 5 or 6 (1999-2000, a good 12 years ago). the last entry here is from 2010, after I started dating francis. it doesn't seem like a long time ago to me, but of course a lot has happened since then.
it's a shame I stopped writing, because I feel like those two years of my life will never really be remembered or documented too well. I smoked a lot of pot during that time, which probably lead to complacency, unmotivation. in a way I feel like I was pretty stable then, emotionally, and didn't feel the need to express myself in any way. but looking back, it was the sort of stability you get from routine.
I graduated from university, finally, which has been the most anti-climactic 'life event' so far. not sure if that's because I'm getting older and more jaded, or if it's because I (stupidly and sadly) missed the actual ceremony and just got my two degrees in the mail. I did well overall, getting an average of 75-ish, meaning I can go on to do post-graduate studies no worries - in Australia at least. I don't know if I want to do that any time soon though. I feel like I need to see what life is like outside of institutions. from pre-primary (4 years old) to graduating university (22 years old) I spent my whole life in the schooling system. and the scary thing is I never really questioned what sort of effect that would have on me until I was nearing the end of my degree and started really thinking about what I would do afterwards. in a way, I became dependent on school to give my life purpose and structure and validation. strangely enough, as soon as I stopped finding university worthwhile (after fourth year or so) I started feeling like I was 'missing out' on what the rest of life had to offer - I started getting really restless.
but since graduating, I've come to realise that the 'rest of life', for most people my age, is either coping with or avoiding responsibility. and that usually means work. thankfully I haven't had to work full time yet. from what foresight I may have gained over the years, I think I'll find working fulltime pretty unbearable unless I found a job that was somewhat enriching and satisfying to me. I was teaching quite a bit before I left for NY. actually I was pretty much making a living from teaching, which was sweet because I was my own boss and didn't have to work during the day and was earning decent money for someone my age, with my (lack of?) qualifications.
being in new york has given me a chance to have a good long hard think about what I want to do. even deciding what I want to do on a daily or hourly basis is giving me an idea of what I want to do in the long term, or at least what sort of lifestyle I want to lead.
sometimes you need to be pulled out of your routine to really let your thoughts come to surface. I think we get used to suppressing what we want because we think we don't have the time/money/ability to make it happen. but when you have the luxury of time, and some solitude, you start to feel more comfortable with being honest with yourself. the stress of everyday life and the influences of people around you are quite restricting.