(no subject)
Today is a Sunday, and the 2nd day of November, 2003. The world outside is gray and wet now, as one would assume it would be by the middle of autumn. This weekend was enjoyable to the extent that my gloom could barely tint it. Unfortunately, I haven’t rested much and I feel like shit today, facing another week of school. I can’t help hating that wonderful things have ended, but I am proud of how I have controlled my emotions this weekend. I have lived in the moment, and, in that moment, allowed myself to see beauty; I have lived beauty. Friday night, despite 4 major things that could have been better, gave me both thrill and peace. I find these emotions ironic for Friday night, since in a past entry I said I’d “never see beauty in this death.” My feeling are nevertheless true - the product of the night’s ambiance, the closeness to friends, and my willingness to allow myself to enjoy without sight of the end.
I suppose I’ll start from the beginning.
I was going to go to lunch with my friends on Friday after the half day, but when 10 40 rolled around I was feeling absolutely wretched. The chemistry test for which I had put in two hours of studying was a complete catastrophe. I knew how to do all of the problems on it, but I kept making all sorts of careless errors. I went back over the test, and was devastated to find that some answers didn’t check. Because of the shortened class period, I didn’t have time to make changes. I had to hand it in, knowing that I probably had about a C. I left the classroom in tears and avoided my friends. I called my mother (who was at home) to pick me up. She did so, and I ended up having a long discussion with her about how I view school and grades. I have expectations of myself that I need to live up to at any cost. Anything less that fulfilling these is a failure. But she was firm in stating that I may not look at mistakes as failures. I wish mistakes weren’t a part of learning. Mistakes leave scars.
I was all ready to completely call off my plans for Halloween since I felt so awful, but I finally got a grip and realized that it wasn’t worth it. I thought I could still manage to have a great time after I calmed down about the test. The test can be retaken; I will be given a chance to learn from my mistakes. And the night only comes once a year. After that, it ends and doesn’t come again for a full revolution. I figured tonight would be a good time to see how that can make something even more special, rather than the contrary as I have believed in the past. So I decided to see what Sam was doing, hoping we could hang out in the afternoon, in addition. I walked over to his house to find he and Whale trying to cheat a kid out of his skate board. I wasn’t at ease until Eric left, at which point Sam and I began a lengthy wait for Joe. Joe was supposed to meet us after he got his cast cut off in the middle of the afternoon. Unfortunately, he didn’t get back to us until after 6, so we were a bit set back by that. The afternoon was pretty boring with Joe missing, and we were pretty much stuck at Sam’s house, because that was where we had agreed to meet. We were joined by Gabby and Alex, and finally started walking around a bit after 7. The night was much warmer and drier than it had been for the past few years. I didn’t even need to wear my sweatshirt. We walked by some interesting houses and saw lots of little children enjoying themselves. I became quickly irritated by the amount of cars that were out, however. There were bright headlights flashing on everything, making it almost impossible to walk without being illuminated. I can see absolutely no reason why people should be driving around on a warm Halloween night. If kids want to get candy, then they should get off their asses and walk from house to house and collect it. And there’s absolutely no logical reason parents need to follow their walking kids in their cars in Huntington Woods. This is unbelievably obnoxious. We ended up going to Burton park to sit in the dark, where we conversed briefly with a European girl who didn’t know much English. Sam, Joe, and I wanted to keep walking, but our female companions were starting to want to be inside. We parted, and walked for some more time, ending up at length in my woods, and then in my backyard. We started a small fire in back of my garage which was nice while we could keep it going. There wasn’t much dry wood so this was short lived, but it made the night seem even nicer while it lasted. My friends had to go home at 11, but I stayed out in my backyard until later in the night. I put on my headphones and swung high on my old swing set. I don’t know how I got the idea to do this, but the feeling that resulted was wonderful completely beyond description. I felt like I was flying; I felt like I became part of something that I had seen beauty in all night. I felt very young and free. I tried to go to bed around 1 30, but I didn’t feeling like sleeping. From pure exhaustion, I must have passed out about an hour later.
Saturday was anti-climatic. The disappointment from Rocky at the Main having been canceled was still with me, as was the frustration over my chemistry test. I spent the day at a football game with my dad, which was a lot of fun while it lasted. My gloom finally caught up with me in the evening, and I desired to see my friends again. No one was online, so I decided to go watch Donnie alone in my basement. I came back to my computer somewhat late, and talked to Shneals until after 2. I went to sleep with Mad World stuck in my head, but slept much more soundly and peacefully than I had the night before.
I haven’t done anything yet today, and I’m desperate to get out of my house. I’m bored, and wondering if I should try to do some work, even though I don’t think I have any due tomorrow. Maybe study chem for the retake, or practice my unit circle some more. I dunno...I’m bored to tears and I really wanna see people. Tomorrow brings the beginning of a new 10 week period. The year has been relatively empty of experiences for me thus far, but I’m learning more about myself and how the natural world works. I wonder what happens next.
-Mikey
I suppose I’ll start from the beginning.
I was going to go to lunch with my friends on Friday after the half day, but when 10 40 rolled around I was feeling absolutely wretched. The chemistry test for which I had put in two hours of studying was a complete catastrophe. I knew how to do all of the problems on it, but I kept making all sorts of careless errors. I went back over the test, and was devastated to find that some answers didn’t check. Because of the shortened class period, I didn’t have time to make changes. I had to hand it in, knowing that I probably had about a C. I left the classroom in tears and avoided my friends. I called my mother (who was at home) to pick me up. She did so, and I ended up having a long discussion with her about how I view school and grades. I have expectations of myself that I need to live up to at any cost. Anything less that fulfilling these is a failure. But she was firm in stating that I may not look at mistakes as failures. I wish mistakes weren’t a part of learning. Mistakes leave scars.
I was all ready to completely call off my plans for Halloween since I felt so awful, but I finally got a grip and realized that it wasn’t worth it. I thought I could still manage to have a great time after I calmed down about the test. The test can be retaken; I will be given a chance to learn from my mistakes. And the night only comes once a year. After that, it ends and doesn’t come again for a full revolution. I figured tonight would be a good time to see how that can make something even more special, rather than the contrary as I have believed in the past. So I decided to see what Sam was doing, hoping we could hang out in the afternoon, in addition. I walked over to his house to find he and Whale trying to cheat a kid out of his skate board. I wasn’t at ease until Eric left, at which point Sam and I began a lengthy wait for Joe. Joe was supposed to meet us after he got his cast cut off in the middle of the afternoon. Unfortunately, he didn’t get back to us until after 6, so we were a bit set back by that. The afternoon was pretty boring with Joe missing, and we were pretty much stuck at Sam’s house, because that was where we had agreed to meet. We were joined by Gabby and Alex, and finally started walking around a bit after 7. The night was much warmer and drier than it had been for the past few years. I didn’t even need to wear my sweatshirt. We walked by some interesting houses and saw lots of little children enjoying themselves. I became quickly irritated by the amount of cars that were out, however. There were bright headlights flashing on everything, making it almost impossible to walk without being illuminated. I can see absolutely no reason why people should be driving around on a warm Halloween night. If kids want to get candy, then they should get off their asses and walk from house to house and collect it. And there’s absolutely no logical reason parents need to follow their walking kids in their cars in Huntington Woods. This is unbelievably obnoxious. We ended up going to Burton park to sit in the dark, where we conversed briefly with a European girl who didn’t know much English. Sam, Joe, and I wanted to keep walking, but our female companions were starting to want to be inside. We parted, and walked for some more time, ending up at length in my woods, and then in my backyard. We started a small fire in back of my garage which was nice while we could keep it going. There wasn’t much dry wood so this was short lived, but it made the night seem even nicer while it lasted. My friends had to go home at 11, but I stayed out in my backyard until later in the night. I put on my headphones and swung high on my old swing set. I don’t know how I got the idea to do this, but the feeling that resulted was wonderful completely beyond description. I felt like I was flying; I felt like I became part of something that I had seen beauty in all night. I felt very young and free. I tried to go to bed around 1 30, but I didn’t feeling like sleeping. From pure exhaustion, I must have passed out about an hour later.
Saturday was anti-climatic. The disappointment from Rocky at the Main having been canceled was still with me, as was the frustration over my chemistry test. I spent the day at a football game with my dad, which was a lot of fun while it lasted. My gloom finally caught up with me in the evening, and I desired to see my friends again. No one was online, so I decided to go watch Donnie alone in my basement. I came back to my computer somewhat late, and talked to Shneals until after 2. I went to sleep with Mad World stuck in my head, but slept much more soundly and peacefully than I had the night before.
I haven’t done anything yet today, and I’m desperate to get out of my house. I’m bored, and wondering if I should try to do some work, even though I don’t think I have any due tomorrow. Maybe study chem for the retake, or practice my unit circle some more. I dunno...I’m bored to tears and I really wanna see people. Tomorrow brings the beginning of a new 10 week period. The year has been relatively empty of experiences for me thus far, but I’m learning more about myself and how the natural world works. I wonder what happens next.
-Mikey