For those of you who follow this...
I'm near ready to give this journal up. I haven't the time or energy to continue frequent updates. I will write from time to time, but my life is very unevenful. You ask for updates, but I get few if any comments. And I know none of you really want to hear about my static life. The things that affect me the most emotionally are the mistakes I make and their reprocussions. Shall I complain to you of every B+ that is laid upon me? Every A-? I can already tell what it is you would tell me. You would tell me that I "need to relax." Perhaps you'd tell me I take things way too seriously. To be perfectly honest, I don't think i take things seriously enough; you are never serious enough until there are no more A-s or B+s. But you'll tell me otherwise. You probably say it now without the thought behind the words. It's a relflex. In an ideal world I would be different. I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE! I am as I am programmed by my genetics and environment. Changing would mean pretending. It would mean the administration of perscribed chemicals. And if any of you are ready to suggest that I resort to that, I dare you to reply to this. These are the things that eat away at me. These are the things I would have to write about. I have no fascinating problems. No failing relationships. No amazing days. Nothing you like to read about. You'll just keep telling me the same things over and over again...or you'll make fun of me. The absolute light-heartedness and lack of seriousness I sense in people sometimes is amazing. Living is not a joke. You cannot protect yourself from things by not taking them seriously, and you certainly cannot make another person feel better by not taking things seriously. It makes me sick sometimes to see people laugh without reason. If it is so senseless to you to be sad or...I dunno...ANXIOUS...without reason, then what justifies causeless mirth? I'll never understand it. I see it from the outside. Perhaps that's why it bothers me so much...because I can't understand it. But with that admitted, I ask that you not pretend to understand my response to the mistakes I make. If you need your nauseating laughter, in my heart I think no less of you. However, I would also ask you not to make ME the joke. I bet some of you would come right out and laugh at me for saying THAT. The feeling of frustration that comes from that is unimaginable. The first thought that is able to manifest in me amid that shudder of frustration is to by any way CONTROL the situation and MAKE you take me seriously; often, I'd like to flay my arm open and wipe your face in it.
and it goes on...today is....
heh
Today is October 14. Today is a tueday. I went to school tired today, and I still don't feel better. The work load is less this week for me, and I've been trying to catch up on sleep. I couldn't sleep much at all sunday night, and I'm still recovering from that. I'm panicking about a number of things that aren't worth mentioning. I joined Science Olympiad today at the suggestion of Janet. The old Illegal Zip Drives may be together again. Now I'm putting off doing homework. I'm not even talking to people. No one messages me any more. Probably for the better. One less distraction in the path of self-betterment. I don't miss them. I miss no one who doesn't return that feeling. They are not worth the emotional effort required to remain in contact.
My how ever sick I am of BULLSHIT. I recently talked to my grandmother who agreed with me that so much of what is done at Berkley is no more than bullshit. If I have to waste any more time watching movies about kids slitting their wrists or doing drugs or being intolerant; if I have to attend another assembly or waste a seminar locked in a quad; if I have to draw on another poster board or write another creative mini-story then...then...THEN...(I'd make a threat, but you'd just tease me for its stupidity, and how I'd never fulfill it). Anyway, Berkley itself is starting to make me sick. I am at school for this purpose and only this purpose: to learn and to better myself. I am only concerned with my personal success. I couldn't care less about being involved in the school as a whole or pseudo-enjoying myself while I'm trying to learn. As far as I'm concerned, all of the following words should be banned permanately from public schools: "Fun" "Creative" "Team" "Social" "Community" "Awareness" "Health" "Pep" "Tolarance" "Guidance" "NCA"
This includes synonyms, of course. I was lucky last year in that I really liked my teachers. Although the work was tough, I really liked my teachers. I'm much less happy with a few of them this year. I find their techniques of teaching and assessment to be completely unreasonable. But that's just me.
I'm looking foreward to this weekend very much. I wasn't going to go to the Homecoming game or the dance, but I've since decided to attend both. Of course, my only incentive for going is that I get to see people I don't normally get to see. Caitlin is coming to the game, and Briana to the dance. I hope none of you think less of me for making this decision. It's really nice to have something to look foreward to. This year has been really weird without Briana. In retrospective, last year looks so much easier and happier. But then, I guess things look like that in retrospective. There are many things of last year that were by no means easy or happy.
And I'm going to eat dinner now. Thank you for reading.
-MDoyle
and it goes on...today is....
heh
Today is October 14. Today is a tueday. I went to school tired today, and I still don't feel better. The work load is less this week for me, and I've been trying to catch up on sleep. I couldn't sleep much at all sunday night, and I'm still recovering from that. I'm panicking about a number of things that aren't worth mentioning. I joined Science Olympiad today at the suggestion of Janet. The old Illegal Zip Drives may be together again. Now I'm putting off doing homework. I'm not even talking to people. No one messages me any more. Probably for the better. One less distraction in the path of self-betterment. I don't miss them. I miss no one who doesn't return that feeling. They are not worth the emotional effort required to remain in contact.
My how ever sick I am of BULLSHIT. I recently talked to my grandmother who agreed with me that so much of what is done at Berkley is no more than bullshit. If I have to waste any more time watching movies about kids slitting their wrists or doing drugs or being intolerant; if I have to attend another assembly or waste a seminar locked in a quad; if I have to draw on another poster board or write another creative mini-story then...then...THEN...(I'd make a threat, but you'd just tease me for its stupidity, and how I'd never fulfill it). Anyway, Berkley itself is starting to make me sick. I am at school for this purpose and only this purpose: to learn and to better myself. I am only concerned with my personal success. I couldn't care less about being involved in the school as a whole or pseudo-enjoying myself while I'm trying to learn. As far as I'm concerned, all of the following words should be banned permanately from public schools: "Fun" "Creative" "Team" "Social" "Community" "Awareness" "Health" "Pep" "Tolarance" "Guidance" "NCA"
This includes synonyms, of course. I was lucky last year in that I really liked my teachers. Although the work was tough, I really liked my teachers. I'm much less happy with a few of them this year. I find their techniques of teaching and assessment to be completely unreasonable. But that's just me.
I'm looking foreward to this weekend very much. I wasn't going to go to the Homecoming game or the dance, but I've since decided to attend both. Of course, my only incentive for going is that I get to see people I don't normally get to see. Caitlin is coming to the game, and Briana to the dance. I hope none of you think less of me for making this decision. It's really nice to have something to look foreward to. This year has been really weird without Briana. In retrospective, last year looks so much easier and happier. But then, I guess things look like that in retrospective. There are many things of last year that were by no means easy or happy.
And I'm going to eat dinner now. Thank you for reading.
-MDoyle