Is there a man inside?
do you have snakes that come in sometimes?
Man, you guys. I have so many confessions to make, let's do this numbers-style.
1. Can we talk about my period? Seriously! When I realized I was going to be having a period for the entire second week of my vacation I decided it was worth the risk of crazy hormonal swings and depression, like what happened last time, and skipped the green pills and went straight on to the next packet of blue pills. So, basically, instead of having a period for a week or even no period at all, I've been having this really stupid annoying almost-period for seriously, what, three weeks now?! My body is so used to getting to rid of its (FAKE) uterine lining at this point on the calendar that it is totally freakin', right, like, trying so hard to have a period but really it's just one tampon a day kinda, and last night is the night when I would have started the next set of green pills to have another period and I just went right on to the blue, like, I am winning this, bitch.
Seriously. You know, you don't even HAVE to have a period when you're on the pill? That period you have is purely cosmetic. Because, as we know, the pill prevents ovulation, and when you don't ovulate, there's nothing to make a lining FOR, and seriously. I heard this story on Morning Edition when I was in DC, and I was like, HOLY CRAP. ARE YOU SHITTING ME?
So anyway, the conclusion of #1 is, I'm going to keep taking blue pills for a while, and see if I can quit having a goddamn period for a while.
2. Ingrown hairs. Okay, not the painful kind, I guess sometimes you could have one that was a big gross pain, but I'm talking about when you get out of the shower and wrap up in a towel, and you look at your armpit that you just shaved, and you're like, hey, that hair looks funny. So you pick at it or whatever, and all of a sudden you're pulling out this hair that is, like, TWO INCHES LONG? And it's like, Yes! Weird jackpot!!
You know what I'm talking about.
3. Dane Cook. So I know I am probably the next-to-last person in the entire world to get on the Dane Train, but I just have to say, last night I kept giggling myself back awake while the mister was trying to read because I was thinking about, "Helloooooooooooo? I'm a carrrrrrrrrrrr?"
4. Friday we got the okay to leave at 10:15 if we wanted because it was so hot and even though I don't know anybody else who did, I deuced outta here like a freaking shot, and went home to put on shorts and a tank top and laid on the couch sweating for like an hour. And then I read the entire internet, and then I went out into the backyard and laid in the hammock reading Real Simple in my bathing suit, as you do, and I finally got some color on my belly, but unfortunately, the color I got was sort of pink, and for some reason, it has made me really really itchy. Like, so itchy, I really don't understand. Sooooooo itchy.
5. I know I just said "I finally got some color on my belly," but really, I promise to you that I am not the girl who "lays out," in the local parlance, anymore. I put on sunscreen like a crazy person and my moisturizer and powder and chapstick have SPF 15 or higher and I have expensive Aveeno sunscreen for my face. And yesterday when I told the mister to look down so I could put sunscreen on his neck and ears and he made a face, as usual, in addition to my traditional comeback of "I'm SORRY that I'm trying to keep you from getting SKIN CANCER," I also told him to go look at dooce dot com, because I am not trying to fuss, or yell at you, I am just SAYING, PUT ON SOME MORE SUNSCREEN, GOD.
6. I got to work an hour later than I could have this morning because I was a) unusually obsessive about removing unwanted hairs from my personage and b) looking at pictures of Jensen Ackles. Sue me.
7. Dear Ryan Hansen,
I could really use a good picture of your wedding ring right about now. You're my only hope for anyone in the Veronica Mars cast to have a ring I like. Seriously!
Luv,
me
8. Today I'm wearing a black wrap around dress with small white polka dots and vintage/vintagey black and white accessories. I feel like DONNA REED COMICS, and the line to tell me how cute I look starts HERE.
9. Celebrity Terror Watch: Bloat Edition. Seriously. What the hell is going on? (I am not responsible for what may happen if you are so foolish as to listen to that clip with sound.)
10. I have just deleted, like, four entire paragraphs trying to talk about this. Whatever, I can't function today. Saturday I babysat my goddaughter, aka THIS:
Right????!!!!
Man, you guys. I have so many confessions to make, let's do this numbers-style.
1. Can we talk about my period? Seriously! When I realized I was going to be having a period for the entire second week of my vacation I decided it was worth the risk of crazy hormonal swings and depression, like what happened last time, and skipped the green pills and went straight on to the next packet of blue pills. So, basically, instead of having a period for a week or even no period at all, I've been having this really stupid annoying almost-period for seriously, what, three weeks now?! My body is so used to getting to rid of its (FAKE) uterine lining at this point on the calendar that it is totally freakin', right, like, trying so hard to have a period but really it's just one tampon a day kinda, and last night is the night when I would have started the next set of green pills to have another period and I just went right on to the blue, like, I am winning this, bitch.
Seriously. You know, you don't even HAVE to have a period when you're on the pill? That period you have is purely cosmetic. Because, as we know, the pill prevents ovulation, and when you don't ovulate, there's nothing to make a lining FOR, and seriously. I heard this story on Morning Edition when I was in DC, and I was like, HOLY CRAP. ARE YOU SHITTING ME?
So anyway, the conclusion of #1 is, I'm going to keep taking blue pills for a while, and see if I can quit having a goddamn period for a while.
2. Ingrown hairs. Okay, not the painful kind, I guess sometimes you could have one that was a big gross pain, but I'm talking about when you get out of the shower and wrap up in a towel, and you look at your armpit that you just shaved, and you're like, hey, that hair looks funny. So you pick at it or whatever, and all of a sudden you're pulling out this hair that is, like, TWO INCHES LONG? And it's like, Yes! Weird jackpot!!
You know what I'm talking about.
3. Dane Cook. So I know I am probably the next-to-last person in the entire world to get on the Dane Train, but I just have to say, last night I kept giggling myself back awake while the mister was trying to read because I was thinking about, "Helloooooooooooo? I'm a carrrrrrrrrrrr?"
4. Friday we got the okay to leave at 10:15 if we wanted because it was so hot and even though I don't know anybody else who did, I deuced outta here like a freaking shot, and went home to put on shorts and a tank top and laid on the couch sweating for like an hour. And then I read the entire internet, and then I went out into the backyard and laid in the hammock reading Real Simple in my bathing suit, as you do, and I finally got some color on my belly, but unfortunately, the color I got was sort of pink, and for some reason, it has made me really really itchy. Like, so itchy, I really don't understand. Sooooooo itchy.
5. I know I just said "I finally got some color on my belly," but really, I promise to you that I am not the girl who "lays out," in the local parlance, anymore. I put on sunscreen like a crazy person and my moisturizer and powder and chapstick have SPF 15 or higher and I have expensive Aveeno sunscreen for my face. And yesterday when I told the mister to look down so I could put sunscreen on his neck and ears and he made a face, as usual, in addition to my traditional comeback of "I'm SORRY that I'm trying to keep you from getting SKIN CANCER," I also told him to go look at dooce dot com, because I am not trying to fuss, or yell at you, I am just SAYING, PUT ON SOME MORE SUNSCREEN, GOD.
6. I got to work an hour later than I could have this morning because I was a) unusually obsessive about removing unwanted hairs from my personage and b) looking at pictures of Jensen Ackles. Sue me.
7. Dear Ryan Hansen,
I could really use a good picture of your wedding ring right about now. You're my only hope for anyone in the Veronica Mars cast to have a ring I like. Seriously!
Luv,
me
8. Today I'm wearing a black wrap around dress with small white polka dots and vintage/vintagey black and white accessories. I feel like DONNA REED COMICS, and the line to tell me how cute I look starts HERE.
9. Celebrity Terror Watch: Bloat Edition. Seriously. What the hell is going on? (I am not responsible for what may happen if you are so foolish as to listen to that clip with sound.)
10. I have just deleted, like, four entire paragraphs trying to talk about this. Whatever, I can't function today. Saturday I babysat my goddaughter, aka THIS:
Right????!!!!