It's a fire
Head and heart. Don't stop coming til you see dust.
"Say your prayers baby girl."
And then there was nothin' but inky black darkness. Kinda like bein' in a coma again only without the constant swirl and chatter in my head. No dreams, no runnin' from B when she interupted my picnic with Mayor Wilkins. Just endless dark that I was permanantly shackled to, tryin' to seperate myself. Like bein' locked in that closet when I was just a little kid and Mom was passed out drunk on the couch. Like that, only without the promise of light again once Mom remembered she'd left in the closet. It was like bein' there but not bein' anywhere. Knew I was still something, knew I was dead, knew I could still think and feel. Almost like bein' locked in solitary, quiet and dark and stuck with my thoughts. No imagination, no way to act any of them out. Just me. And that had always been the scariest part of all.
First I thought maybe they were just tryin' to decide what to do with me. I knew I was dead, and I figured I was on my way to hell first class. What was up with the black nothing? Didn't think it would take 'em long to figure out a way to stick a killer like me in eternal flames. And it didn't take 'em long at all. Hell wasn't exactly what you'd think it'd be though. Sure, there was the pain and the torment and the never ending torture and dead and...it was pretty fucking bad. Just always thought I'd be sippin' cosmos with Satan, surrounded by flames. Guess I watched that South Park movie one too many times. Instead it was more me reliving every single second. Course I tried to hold onto the good memories. Wanted to hang onto that one, and every time I saw that glimmer of blonde hair above bubbled water it would always slip away. I'd grapple onto it and then it'd slide away, replaced by the edge of a roof and a sharp shiny blade. I saved you. Why couldn't you save me?
"You're not even worth it. You were never worth it."
It hurt alot, but I'd gotten used to that. His explosive anger and suddenly there was just darkness creeping in around my eyes. The darkness stayed, red flames swirling underneath my feet. Saw the devil and it was him, wanted to scream but something was trapping the air inside of me. Couldn't get a breath in.
And just when I was sure that I couldn't take anymore there would be the reprieve of nothing again. I started to crave the nothing. Started to love it.
Then something happened. It wasn't supposed to but the nothing became something. It became her. "Buffy?" I asked her as she took step after step towards me and she was the only thing I could see.
"You look tired, Faith." She said smartly, a smug smile etched across her face.
"I am tired."
"Well, you know what they say. No rest for the wicked. Anyways, I'm not really Buffy, you're just seeing what you want to see just like you always do. You have to come with me." She reached out her hand and wrapped her slender fingers around mine, gently tugging me forward towards the more nothing.
"Where are we going?" I asked her, suddenly terrified again and diggin' my heels into the floor. The nothing floor that I couldn't even see. She just kept pullin' me forward, yankin' me along behind her before we suddenly jerked to a stop.
She turned to me with that smile. That smile that she only ever wore when it was just me and her and no one else could see her not be miserable. She put on a good show for everybody but see, I always knew the truth. She couldn't hide from me. Her free hand gently moved to my face, softly brushing a strand of dark hair behind my ear.
"Close your eyes." She whispered as her face came closer.
I did what she wanted me to do and felt everything shift again.
"Sucker."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
There was a sharp kick to my side and I was kinda used to that by now except when I opened my eyes I was stung by bright blinding light. Where was Buffy? Linoleum. No Buffy. I opened my mouth to yell but no sound came out and instead I scrambled up to my feet as fast as I could gasping in an unneeded breath on instinct. My eyes wildly flew around the room and I realized there was blonde here with me but it definitely wasn't her. Wolfram and Hart. Alyx. This really was hell. Was expectin' Angelus to come poppin' out of the shadows any second to join in on the kick Faith's ass party.
You didn't think your hell was private, did ya Faithy?
Blinking hard twice I tried to make it go away. I wanted to just go away, and onto the next one. I knew I had to relive it all. Licking my tongue over my lips I stared at her for a minute my eyes finally and steadily focusing on her. This felt too real and I wanted to crawl into the darkest smallest space I could find and live out my eternity there.
"Say your prayers baby girl."
And then there was nothin' but inky black darkness. Kinda like bein' in a coma again only without the constant swirl and chatter in my head. No dreams, no runnin' from B when she interupted my picnic with Mayor Wilkins. Just endless dark that I was permanantly shackled to, tryin' to seperate myself. Like bein' locked in that closet when I was just a little kid and Mom was passed out drunk on the couch. Like that, only without the promise of light again once Mom remembered she'd left in the closet. It was like bein' there but not bein' anywhere. Knew I was still something, knew I was dead, knew I could still think and feel. Almost like bein' locked in solitary, quiet and dark and stuck with my thoughts. No imagination, no way to act any of them out. Just me. And that had always been the scariest part of all.
First I thought maybe they were just tryin' to decide what to do with me. I knew I was dead, and I figured I was on my way to hell first class. What was up with the black nothing? Didn't think it would take 'em long to figure out a way to stick a killer like me in eternal flames. And it didn't take 'em long at all. Hell wasn't exactly what you'd think it'd be though. Sure, there was the pain and the torment and the never ending torture and dead and...it was pretty fucking bad. Just always thought I'd be sippin' cosmos with Satan, surrounded by flames. Guess I watched that South Park movie one too many times. Instead it was more me reliving every single second. Course I tried to hold onto the good memories. Wanted to hang onto that one, and every time I saw that glimmer of blonde hair above bubbled water it would always slip away. I'd grapple onto it and then it'd slide away, replaced by the edge of a roof and a sharp shiny blade. I saved you. Why couldn't you save me?
"You're not even worth it. You were never worth it."
It hurt alot, but I'd gotten used to that. His explosive anger and suddenly there was just darkness creeping in around my eyes. The darkness stayed, red flames swirling underneath my feet. Saw the devil and it was him, wanted to scream but something was trapping the air inside of me. Couldn't get a breath in.
And just when I was sure that I couldn't take anymore there would be the reprieve of nothing again. I started to crave the nothing. Started to love it.
Then something happened. It wasn't supposed to but the nothing became something. It became her. "Buffy?" I asked her as she took step after step towards me and she was the only thing I could see.
"You look tired, Faith." She said smartly, a smug smile etched across her face.
"I am tired."
"Well, you know what they say. No rest for the wicked. Anyways, I'm not really Buffy, you're just seeing what you want to see just like you always do. You have to come with me." She reached out her hand and wrapped her slender fingers around mine, gently tugging me forward towards the more nothing.
"Where are we going?" I asked her, suddenly terrified again and diggin' my heels into the floor. The nothing floor that I couldn't even see. She just kept pullin' me forward, yankin' me along behind her before we suddenly jerked to a stop.
She turned to me with that smile. That smile that she only ever wore when it was just me and her and no one else could see her not be miserable. She put on a good show for everybody but see, I always knew the truth. She couldn't hide from me. Her free hand gently moved to my face, softly brushing a strand of dark hair behind my ear.
"Close your eyes." She whispered as her face came closer.
I did what she wanted me to do and felt everything shift again.
"Sucker."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
There was a sharp kick to my side and I was kinda used to that by now except when I opened my eyes I was stung by bright blinding light. Where was Buffy? Linoleum. No Buffy. I opened my mouth to yell but no sound came out and instead I scrambled up to my feet as fast as I could gasping in an unneeded breath on instinct. My eyes wildly flew around the room and I realized there was blonde here with me but it definitely wasn't her. Wolfram and Hart. Alyx. This really was hell. Was expectin' Angelus to come poppin' out of the shadows any second to join in on the kick Faith's ass party.
You didn't think your hell was private, did ya Faithy?
Blinking hard twice I tried to make it go away. I wanted to just go away, and onto the next one. I knew I had to relive it all. Licking my tongue over my lips I stared at her for a minute my eyes finally and steadily focusing on her. This felt too real and I wanted to crawl into the darkest smallest space I could find and live out my eternity there.