Never the same girl twice

[freddles]

The talk with Cordelia had gone better than I thought it might. There had been the initial awkwardness we'd both felt in the beginning and the pauses where we hadn't known what to say. After the 'how are you doing' questions, it got easier. I didn't bring up exactly what had happened with Faith and Angelus even though it was the one subject at

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[_wes_pryce_]

“Yes, we went outside. Buffy wanted to get some groceries, and found it necessary to leave me standing in the middle of a crowded street. I was fortunate enough to catch the more nice drivers of Los Angeles.” I could’ve been killed! I’d never, and really how true is this?, see it coming. “That was after we’ve done some research, that by the way, didn’t lead to anything.” Buffy wasn’t the best when it came to research. She was a Slayer, which meant we pointed things out and she’d go an kill it. But at least she tried.

I think I’ve had quite enough of this hotel for now. There are good memories here, but also some bad ones. There was the time, Christ, the time I went after Fred with that axe. The time I had to watch Gunn and Fred. And lets not forget the time after the whole Connor ordeal. I’d rather not think of those. But there’s not much else to do when one is sitting in the literal dark with nothing but one’s thoughts.

“Oh and Charles came by,” I added, turning my face toward the sound of her voice again. “He and Lorne are apparently leaving shortly. They’re going to Las Vegas? I guess Lorne wanted to give it another go and Gunn is going along he stays out of trouble this time?” I didn’t really know what went on the first time, but I’m guessing it wasn’t very good.

“Bored?” Me? Without books? Of course not. “No, no,” I hastened to say, tampering down on the sarcasm that seemed to have taken over my mood recently. “I had a lot of excitement. How did your talk with Cordelia go?” And how about we run off to Alaska now? I could really do with a vacation. Just Fred and I, away from the entire world. Being snowed in is starting to sound very appealing right now.

[freddles]

I paused for a minute when Wesley said Buffy left him out in the middle of the street. She left him in the middle of the street. A blind man who hadn't learned exactly the best ways of getting around. It was a good thing she wasn't still here because she might see a side of me she hasn't seen before. Not that it would be all that intimidating to her of course and she'd probably laugh in my face, but still. What was she thinking? Sighing, I shook my head and pulled my hand back from his to rest my elbow on the table and my chin in the palm of my hand.

And research? Was it wrong of me to say that I would have been jealous if they had found something? I mean, I would've been thrilled, but not without a pang of jealousy that I wasn't the one who'd found it. It didn't matter though, did it? Nothing had come of their research and we were back at square one. Though I guess you couldn't really call it that because we'd never even left square zero. Now that the whole Angelus fiasco was over and done with there would be some fixing to that square.

At the mention of Charles, my gaze drifted back to his face and immediately formed a frown. "Oh..He-..oh." He.. left? Without saying goodbye? Well, without saying goodbye except to anyone but Wesley? I mean, I knew we didn't have the relationship we once did, but would a goodbye have been too much to ask? I still cared about him no matter what our history and would miss him. Just like I'd miss Lorne who decided that not saying goodbye was the better option. At least Charles came by and said something. Especially after what all has happened over the last few weeks.

Raising a brow at the answer to whether or not he was bored, I sighed again. I knew he was bored. Wouldn't I be the same in his situation? Not that I do as much research as I used to here or even back at Wolfram and Hart, but Wesley and taking away what he normally did with his sight, read, was like taking away.. well. Sitting back in the chair when he asked about Cordelia, I shrugged.

"Alright I guess. We didn't talk about.. about what happened a lot. We did, but she didn't seem to want to stay on that subject very long and I didn't push her." Should I have? "We just ended up talking about.. a lot of different things after a little while. She seems.. not quite herself. And guilty."

[_wes_pryce_]

She went very quiet when I told her about Buffy. And I realized that I had no idea what she was thinking. The silence was unnerving, because I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. Was she…angry? Worried? Surprised? “She wasn’t a very good cook,” I offered tentatively. Not that this meant much coming from me, since I wasn’t even capable of boiling an egg. Blind or not.

When she finally did talk, she sounded rather disappointed to hear about Gunn leaving. “Yes,” I shrugged, not knowing how she was feeling about that. Again, I can’t see her face. This was getting beyond frustrating really. I tried to get something out of the tone of her voice, but other then disappointment, there wasn’t really anything to go on.

“Well ‘left’. I don’t know if he left yet. He just said he and Lorne were going to leave for Las Vegas on short notice, I’ve no idea how short this notice is.” Though, from the way Gunn talked it sounded very short. Something like today? I’ve no idea, my mind had been occupied with other things. Alaska in the end. That thought made me smile somewhat. I wish we really could run off to Alaska, if only for a bloody week.

She moved my hand away from me and I missed her touch already. Which was jut pathetic, to be honest. I had to be careful about that, or she’d become some sort of Anchor I was going to cling onto to tightly. And that wasn’t going to do either of us much good. Sitting back in my chair, trying to appear casually, I listened to her as she mentioned her talk with Cordy.

Cordelia was feeling guilty? No doubt and as well she should. It was, in fact, her fault Faith has died. She *knew* the risks of doing something as stupid as that. And yet, she and Angel still went along and did it. I cannot believe that after all these years… And yet, in a way I can. I can imagine what I’d feel like if it were Fred and I. Loving each other so much and yet not being able to be together all the way.

“Well, it’ll take time,” I said quietly, since really there wasn’t much else to say. We stayed silent for a moment longer, both lost in our own thoughts. But in the end the hotel was starting to feel oppressing again. “Are you ready to go back home now? Or do you need to do something else? Oh, do *we* need to go grocery shopping?” Since we’re out of the flat anyway, we may as well make use of that.

[freddles]

They were leaving on short notice? Oh. Well, I guess they could come back and tell everyone else that they were leaving, but from the way Wesley said it I doubted that they would. I'd be angry with both Charles and Lorne if they just decided to up and leave, but in a way I understood. What do you say to someone when there's really nothing to say? There was the usual 'goodbye' and 'I'll miss you', but those were things you told someone leaving to go off for a week long trip. What did you say to someone you've known and loved as family when there's a good chance you'd never seen them again? Especially all that's happened lately.

Sighing lightly, I looked up at Wesley again and nodded even though I knew full well he couldn't see whether I nodded or if stuck my tongue out at him. It would take time. A lot of time. We sat there for a few moments in silence. A few times I caught myself either looking around the room or just looking at him, wondering what he was thinking.

"Home sounds wonderful," I said with a small, relieved smile. I hadn't noticed it earlier, but the talk with Cordelia must have tired me out more than I realized. "Hm? Oh, I don't need to do anything as far as I know." Wasn't it just talking with Cordy that Angel had wanted me to do? I was just as happy going back to the apartment with Wesley rather than staying here and having to worry where everyone else was. I might wonder at home, but it wasn't the same as not having them here at the hotel.

"We could get a few things I guess if you think we need them. I'm honestly not sure of what's even there. If you think you've had enough grocery shopping for one day we could always order takeout a few times until we get to go to the store," I said with a small smile. "But if you know of something we need we can stop."

[_wes_pryce_]

Cordelia and Angel. There was so much going on there at the moment that what we saw didn’t even begin to scratch the surface. I knew them longer and better then everyone here, even those from Sunnydale. There was a lot of history between the three of us. Some of it bad, a lot of it good. But I couldn’t help them with this. This was something they needed to sort out on their own. Of course if they wanted to finally talk about it, honestly, they knew where to find me. They knew I was going to be honest right back as well, which was perhaps the reason they’d not come to me yet.

I was torn out of my thoughts when Fred said that home sounded wonderful. A small smile slipped out at those words. Home did sound wonderful. Alaska sounded even better, but I had this inkling of a feeling that Alaska wasn’t going to happen in quite a while. Though, if Gunn and Lorne get to run off to Las Vegas? I fail to see why Fred and I couldn’t go on a vacation to Alaska. It’s not as though we’re doing anything here. Or in my case, doing anything other then getting in the way. And some rest and peace and just some general ’us’ time would do us both some good.

“I’ve not gone shopping in quite a while,” I admitted. I’d been dead, then came back and then it was one drama after another. When did I have time to shop? “Perhaps we should just get some of the basic necessities? You know tea and bread and…some snacks perhaps.” I was about to say we could cuddle up on the sofa and watch some telly. Of course that wasn’t going to work quite was it?

“Or we could get us some tickets to Alaska,” I mumbled, leaning my chin on my hands.

[freddles]

Looking back at him, I nodded. Not that it did much good really, but it was a habit that was sure going to be hard to break. I guess the only time it would be a problem is when I wasn't feeling like talking a lot. Kinda like now? Maybe. I'd done enough talking with Cordelia up in her room just a while ago and I was just downright tired. Talking about one thing when something completely different is on your mind could be exhausting.

I wasn't sure if I even wanted to stop by and pick up the few things I'm sure we needed. Was there even anything there at all? It was doubtful since the both of us had been.. well, we hadn't actually lived there for a while had we? The past couple of weeks didn't really count considering all that had happened during that time. Then again, getting out somewhere that wasn't the apartment, the office, or now the hotel wouldn't be so bad would it?

Finally standing, I laughed lightly when he mentioned the tickets again. "Well, the tea, bread, and snacks I'm sure we can manage," I said taking a step towards his chair. Placing a hand on his shoulder, I smiled. "But I'll see what I can do about those tickets. They might require a specialty store or something."

Squeezing his shoulder a little, I stepped back and waited for him to stand. "It's about time we got out of here anyway, don't you think?"

[_wes_pryce_]

I’m sure we can manage tea, bread and snacks. Unless I get lost in the middle of the street again and run over by some unsuspecting car. Or just get generally lost in the store. Alright, lighten up Pryce old boy. You’re getting depressed and you know it. Before you realize you’re acting like Angel and end up brooding in some corner. Lovely. I may nearly be there already.

“I think a booking agency might help us out quite gladly when it comes to those tickets,” I say sullenly. Sighing, I run a hand through my hair again, more then ready to get the hell out of here. There seems to be a whole depressing blanket to have fallen over the hotel, trying to choke the life out of us all. It’s doing an admirable job of it, I must say. The sooner we get out of here the better.

Fred squeezes my shoulder and I turn my face toward her. “You’re quite right, my love,” I tell her, slowly pushing myself on my feet. “The sooner we can get out of here, the better.” I use the hand on my shoulder as a guide to take hold of hers and squeeze it lightly. I don’t know what I’d have done if Fred weren’t here right now. And I don’t mean just because I can’t see a bloody shit, but with the whole Cordelia, Angel and Faith thing. We may be friends the longest of all of us, but even I feel far out of my depth here.

“Shall we go? Or do we need to tell anyone we’re leaving. Not that there is anyone it seems mind…”

[freddles]

"Yeah, I think it's alright for us to go ahead and go. I told Cordelia I wasn't sure how long we would be staying around when I left her room. And Angel isn't around to tell and I'm thinking we don't need to wait until whenever he does get back. Don't you agree?" I smiled at him and lowered my hand from his shoulder once he stood up from the chair. He mirrors the gesture and I notice the warmth of his hand on my shoulder.

Slipping my hand through his arm, we finally made out way out of the kitchen and then out of the hotel. I moved slower than I might have normally so he wouldn't feel like I was simply dragging him along, but fast enough so I hoped he didn't feel the opposite. That I was doing it merely for his benefit. Well, I was but,.. it was different. At least that's what I continued to tell myself everything the thought crossed my mind. I'd never felt sorry for him, just sorry that it happened at all. Then there were the thoughts of guilt that kept trying to creep back inside despite what he'd told me back at the apartment.

Shaking the thoughts away, we made it to the car and soon enough were on our way to the store. Once we were at the store, we went inside, I grabbed a basket and the two of us started around the store. What had we decided that we needed again? Oh, right. Bread, tea, some snacks,.. the necesities. I picked up a few things I knew I'd want sooner rather than later and asked him about a few things as well as we walked around the place.

"What kind of tea is it again that you like?" I asked him once we started down what I only assumed was his favorite aisle.

[_wes_pryce_]

Don’t I agree? I must certainly do agree. For some reason this place is starting to depress me beyond believe. It’s nearly suffocating the way everyone seems to be avoiding everyone, hiding in their rooms, or in the shadows. God only knows where Angel took off to. Cordy is in her room. Gunn is leaving for Vegas with Lorne. And Buffy…. I’m not even sure about where Buffy went, or with whom.

It’s all falling apart again, only this time I’m not the cause. I’m actually here to see it happen. Or…witness rather, since I’ve not been seeing much at all lately. Not a damn thing. Perhaps it’s the fact that everything around me is pitch dark which makes this place more unnerving then otherwise. I don’t know, but I do remember the times we felt safe here, secure. It was our home away from home. Or in Fred and Angel’s case, actually home.

I was glad when Fred slipped her arm through mine and we made our way out of the hotel and to the car. The drive over to the store didn’t take that long. And at least this time I wasn’t left standing in the middle of a bloody street full of rushing cars. Not that I ever thought Fred would do that, but it just jogged a memory. I’ve never felt so vulnerable before, but it dawned on me that perhaps I had better get used to it. There may not be a cure for this. A price I was wiling to pay to safe Fred, with no refund at all.

Once inside the store, I was surprised at the many scents that filled my nose. It was rather amazing how much my smell had improved. Or…sharpened I guess should be the right word. Though, I did feel a bit of a fool, having to cling onto Fred’s arm or otherwise get lost in the process. God only knows where I’d end up this time. Perhaps I should get myself one of those…sticks and familiarize myself at least with the surrounding of my apartment, so I’d not constantly be depended on Fred. That has to drive her crazy as well.

“What? Oh uhm…” I frown, trying to remember what sort of tea they’ve in these stores. “Do they only have bags?” I guess they do, heathens. “Earl Gray and Darjeeling if you don’t mind.” I pause and lean in a bit closer. I cleared my throat and resisted the urge to look around. If only because there isn’t anything to see. “Do they have those fruit-tea’s?” I ask quietly, actually feeling a bit embarrassed. But I like those, can’t help it.

[freddles]

I couldn't help but smile a bit when he asked if they only had bags. Wesley and his tea. I might tease him about it occasionally, but it was just one of the many things that I'd never change about him. The day he started to be happy with tea that wasn't bagless I'd worry about the next oncoming apocalypse. Which I was hoping was close to never. Though I guessed that at least the teabag crisis apocalypse would be a very long time coming, never even. Smiling, I Leaned forward and picked up the teas he mentioned. "Alright, anything else?"

Frowning, I looked at him and wondered why he's looking that way and coming in a bit closer. Fruit teas? Looking back at the shelves, I see a wide selection of fruit teas. Grinning, I looked at him again and kissed him lightly. "I think I can grab a couple of those." Once I did, I dropped them into the basket in my one hand and took him by the arm again. "Alright, well I think that's about it for now isn't it?" I lifted up the basket to scan the items we'd picked up. "Okay, we've got a couple snacks, bread and things for sandwiches, and of course the tea.." Pausing, I look at him. "Can you think of anything else we'd need until later?"

With a go ahead from Wesley, we headed over to the checkout and it wasn't long before we were back in the car, bags and all and on the way back home. Helping Wesley inside the apartment as I had been once we arrived back there, we walked inside and I started putting a few things away.

Turning around to face him, I held the bread in my hand. "Are you hungry? I could make us a couple of sandwiches if you want one."

[_wes_pryce_]

It was oddly familiar yet extremely frightening at the same time. The way we were going shopping. It was her voice that calmed me down everytime near panic was starting to grab me. But it was the darkness and the fact that there were noises around me that I couldn’t place, which made me feel like a prisoner. I’m left to wonder what would have happened if Fred hadn’t been here. Would I have curled up into a ball in the corner and whimpered?

It’s not as though anyone is of much help. It’s not as though *I’m* much help at all. Gunn and Lorne had left, or were leaving, whichever. Cordelia and Angel weren’t going to come out of super brood any time soon. Buffy was *no* help what so ever. I would’ve been completely alone, wondering when anyone would come by to….see….God

Fred’s voice brought me out of my overly depressing musing and I mentally shook myself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Pryce. You did this to yourself, it’s no one else’s mistake. Well, Illyria’s. Let’s blame her, sounds like a good place. Not that she cared, she was a *GOD* after all. “I’m not terribly hungry,” I murmured, pushing way fading images of dark small closets. “But I suppose I should eat something.” I turned my face in her direction and mustered up a smile.

[freddles]

All I could do was frown when Wesley said he wasn't hungry. I guess that was probably true since he'd probably eaten something back at the hotel after he and Buffy had gotten back from doing their own afternoon of grocery shopping. As for myself, I was more than famished. We hadn't gotten much to eat if anything all day. Or at least that's what I thought. Sometimes I forget the simple things like eating anymore.

He finally tried smiling for me and said he should eat something. "Okay," I said, but watched him for a moment longer. For some reason he seemed to be quieter than he had been yesterday or even this morning. I had no idea why except that he might have been getting more and more frustrated with not having his sight. I knew that I shouldn't feel guilty and for the most part I didn't, but.. watching him like this I couldn't help it.

Maybe it wasn't guilt so much as it was responsibility. Both for helping him to feel as comfortable and taken care of without suffocation as possble, but also for the reason he was in the state he was. Yes, I know that Illyria was the one 'to blame', but I was still the one who he'd come looking after.

Shaking my head a little, I turned to the counter and after I finished putting away most everything, I pulled out four slices of bread and some of the meat that we'd gotten at the store. Finishing off the sandwiches, I poured each of us a glass of water and sat them on the table.

"Well, Mr. Pryce, you're livin' the good life now," I said as I sat down. I smiled a little hoping to see the same expression on his face. "Okay, so maybe a ham sandwich isn't exactly the good life."

[_wes_pryce_]

Okay. Well, good, I could get away with not eating all that much. I swear, at times she’s worse then Cordelia. That woman would shove a sandwich under my nose and glare at me till I ate it. I’d eat it in the end, of course, but I was resentful she’d torn me away from my work. Fred on the other hand has the ability to be so damn reasonable, or just pain pleading. And Id’ do anything for her. So eating a sandwich it is. Even if Buffy’s failed attempt of cooking had me.. Alright, I hadn’t eaten that much then either. Just enough to get Buffy off my back.

I sat back in the chair and drummed my fingers on the table top. Wasn’t much I could do again other then listening to Fred puttering around in the kitchen. I needlessly closed my eyes and tipped my head back, concentrating on those sounds. Trying to guess what she was doing from the sounds alone. Ice-brox, sound of utensils, plastic bag, paper bag, tearing of foil, the water tap. It was easy to picture her moving about in the kitchen, but the soft smile on my face faded when I realized I couldn’t see her face. She never turned around in the image I had created so I couldn’t see her face. God, I wasn’t already forgetting was I?

My eyes opened again when the sounds Fred was making came over to the table again. I removed my hand from drumming on the table and dropped it into my lap. A smile was forced on my face, and she’d probably know it for what it was, but I didn’t want her to worry. There was to much going on anyway. Cordy and Angel in such a mess, Gunn leaving, Lorne leaving, Buffy around.. God only knows what else.

“Your home made ham sandwiches are always the good life,” I told her, my hands feeling their way toward the plate. “I can’t even make that without the kitchen appearing as though it were the center of some demon attack.” Picking up the ham sandwich, I took a bite and started to chew. “What do you to do next?” I asked, wondering what there *was* to do. Not much to do for a blind fellow is there? Doesn’t mean she has to be bored with me.

[freddles]

What did I want to do? Well.. aside from not knowing what we actually could do, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I took another bite or two from the sandwich as I thought. Was this what people called their 'free time'? In a way, I guess it was even though this was.. different. A lot. In the past I hadn't really had all that much spare time to have to think of what to do next. My problem had been deciding which casefile to work on in the lab or which text to pour over in the hotel.

"I really don't know," I said after taking a sip of my water. With all that was going on back the hotel now I wondered when we'd actually be needed in again. Okay, not just needed, but needed in the way of getting back to work. "It's a little strange to have to decide for yourself what to do. I mean after being so used to working all hours and then dealing with.. other things."

Running the tip of my finger around the rim of the glass, I let out a small sigh. There were plenty of things we could do I guess, but for some reason every single one I could think of had to do with 'seeing' something similar. Watching tv, going to a movie, reading, all of it. Not that I was jumping at the chance to necessarily do any of those things, but when thinking of something to do, it was all I could think of right now.

"What about you? You have anything you want to do?"