The owner of a lonely heart, is much better than an owner of a broken heart.
I know I haven't written in a long time, I guess I didn't have the energy to do so. I'm not even too sure that right now is the right time for me to be writing all my feelings down, seeing has how most of them are negative. Don and I got into a pretty serious fight lastnight, and I really wanted to break up with him. I've been having some doubts about us and about the trust in our relationship. I guess I had all the reason to feel this way. I found some of his Dead AIM logs on his computer about a week ago. He was talking to some of his friends on there about how I don't have sex with him all the time, he called me "dumb". He really was saying a lot of hurtful things in there about me. I don't understand it all, I've done so much for him, I've dropped a lot of my guy friends just so that I wouldn't feel like I was doing something wrong. And he sits there and talks bad about me, and makes me feel like a complete idiot. Then lastnight was the straw that broke the camels back. Lastnight he came over and brought his laptop over and we put some of my photoshoot pictures on his laptop. He had to go pick up his brother from work and I asked him to leave the computer there so I can work on some of the pictures. He really really didn't want to leave it there, which really made me think that he was hiding something from me. And sure enough he was, I went back into the recycle bin and found old logs that he had deleted. I found one set of logs from this girl and they were sitting there having all of these sex conversations on the computer with one another. And when I took a closer look at the dates they were from, I found out that they were from when he went to Seattle in Aug. I kept reading on and came across one about him meeting this one girl at the airport in Denver where his flight was connecting. I couldn't believe what I was reading, I felt my heart just break into two. I've had to deal with so much stuff in this relationship, I've done nothing wrong. I stopped talking to Eric cause all he would do was call me up drunk saying how much he loves me and how he wants us to be together and he'll change if I just give him one shot. I knew this was someone I couldn't keep in my life because I was trying to start a new life with Don. Only to find out that he has been talking like this to these other girls. I've had so many opportunities to cheat on Don, even if it is JUST over the computer. And I never did, I love him more than anything. Well atleast I did, I don't know this is something that is going to take more than one fight to fix. I just feel so betrayed, I feel like I've been used and cheated on and mostly I feel embarrassed for myself. This is someone who I've trusted with my heart, the same heart that I said I wasn't going to let anyone have after Daniel broke up with me. Daniel did the same shit to me, always talking to his ex girlfriend and always talking to these other girls online. The computer is an evil evil thing, it gives dorky men the change to do and say things to normal girls that they wouldn't have the balls to say in person. And it breaks up relationships. And this relationship isn't going to last if he keeps doing this to me. How can I fucking sleep with him, knowing that he's done this to me, how can I look at him and tell him I love him when I've been saying it for a year now and most of that time his been talking shit to all these other girls. It's going to take more than a talk it's going to take A FUCKING SHIT LOAD for him to regain anything I ever had for him. I don't want to lose him, but I sure as hell don't want to fucking leave MY family and move all the way to Seattle for someone who has been doing nothing but lying to me for the last year. Why can't boys be fucking normal. Maybe I should just stay in Ohio and go to school again, and start doing what makes me fucking happy for once, instead of ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE THE GUY HAPPY! THE FUCKING GUY THAT NEVER REALLY CARES ABOUT ME! It's so hard not to get mad and not cry, he hates me just like Daniel hated me, I just wonder how much longer I will have to sit here and take it before I'm strong enough to move on. He's really going to have to prove a lot to me if he wants to stay in this. I did everything in my powers not to throw this ring at him. The ring that now means nothing to me. There's so much rebuilding that needs to be done. I just wonder if he's really going to do it or if I'm going to be left alone again with a broken heart. I wear my black heart on my sleave. Ex,oh,ex,oh