(no subject)
I forget I have this journal. No one really sees it, so anything funny I want to post I just do it on myspace. I guess this is where some normal every day thoughts should go. My normal every day thought is the same. "I'm fat, I want to be thin, I feel ugly, I want to feel hot." Will I ever just be over it? I've only felt good about myself once(that I can remember anyway)in my life. To bad I wasted it on some stupid asshole boy who never gave a shit about me. I was 125 lbs, had long hair, clear skin. Now I feel like I have the best guy in the world, and he has the ugliest girl in the world. Our sex life is a mess b/c of me. I'm so attracted to him, I just hate looking at myself. I turn myself off. Is that stupid? I look at porn stars and hot actresses way too much. I know if I had someone to cook for me and help me work out every day, and do my hair, and make up that I'd look hot too. Anyway, I don't want to look like a porn star per say I just want to feel sexy again. I've been eating healthy and working out for the last two weeks. I think I lost 7lbs but I'm not sure if it was water weight (cause of my girl thing the last time I weighed myself) or if it's cause I really lost 7lbs. I shouldn't weigh myself every day. Today I had to, I was just feeling like such shit. I'll do it again on Sunday, that's supposed to be my once a week weigh in for myself. We'll see. I'm pretty determined to do this again for myself. MYSELF! See that that means I'm not doing this for anyone but me. I lost weight and tried to be this hot girl for someone who didn't even like me to begin with. No matter how "hot" I was. This is for me. I know I have someone who loves the shit out of me. I don't have to prove a damn thing with that. I just want to give him, what I gave some dickhead...a little self confidence. I'll keep updating in here, as long as I feel something is worth writing down.
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