FIC: what is (and never will be) [2/5]
Title: what is (and never will be)
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~870
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Ryan Wolfe, Tara Price; mentions of Horatio Caine
Continuity: set during, then diverging from 7x23
Summary: What if Ryan acted differently after the grenade incident in autopsy revealed Tara's addiction? An exploration of reality... and what could have been.
Disclaimer: Characters mentioned are used without permission and are trademarks of Jerry Bruckheimer/CBS; I am simply borrowing them for my purposes. Please don't sue.
Notes: Some of the dialogue/internal monologue at the start is repeated from the first chapter-- this is to demonstrate the change from the show's reality to the "what if" world where things went differently. (Also, just for the record, I have a bit of familiarity with addiction and twelve step programs but this is just one take on how things might go.)
Chapter 1: A Tilting Scale
Ryan thinks he's being gentle. He's trying to be, at any rate. (It doesn't always come easily or naturally to him.) "Are you hooked?"
"No." Tara's dead serious; she honestly believes what she's saying. "They're for pain."
"How come the first thing you do as soon as a grenade goes off is run for your drugs?" he asks pointedly.
"You know what?" She moves to leave "I--"
Ryan stops her. "Listen." This is the moment. This is when he has to decide. Does he protect her from the bureaucracy or from herself? Does he gamble with caring or keep it professional?
This time, the scale tips in the opposite direction. It'd be easier to distance himself from her-- simpler. But that wouldn't make it right. And when he was digging his own grave, Horatio gave him a chance. Maybe it's time to return the favor. (Not that she'll appreciate it. God only knows he sure as hell didn't.)
"Walk with me." He takes Tara by the arm and guides her forward, around the chaos that is currently autopsy and toward the elevator.
When they're out of earshot again, he starts talking: "There was a CSI who worked here a few years back. Nice guy, hard worker. He got into some stuff--" The elevator arrives and Ryan ushers her onto it, pressing the third floor button.
Her brows are furrowed as Tara looks at him. "Stuff?"
He waves it off. "Doesn't matter." And, the strange thing was, it really didn't. "At first, it didn't affect his work. Then... it did." Ryan smirks a little. It's not a happy sort of expression. "But he convinced himself it wasn't happening, that the incidents were flukes. And then his problem came walking into interrogation one day, asking to talk with him. That's when he made his biggest mistake-- he lied."
The elevator ding and the doors open to reveal their floor. Ryan moves forward, still escorting her with his hand on her elbow. "He'd gotten so used to lying to himself and omitting to his colleagues that it honestly didn't seem like that big of a deal. Except this time he got caught."
Ryan stops, turning to face her. "H gave him a chance to come clean. A real chance, Tara. And even though the CSI knew he was caught, he kept lying." He shakes his head, looking away momentarily. "That's the thing about addiction, you know? It's a compulsion. The lying was the same way." He meets her gaze evenly. "It was too easy to feel invincible, too easy to pretend."
Shrugging, he lets his hand fall away. "Until reality came crashing down around him and he lost everything-- his self-respect, his friends, his job. That's when he couldn't pretend anymore. When he had to face the truth, ugly as it was. And it was hard, no doubt about it, but there was also this weight lifted off him. This relief in knowing he could look at his reflection and know that it was real."
Tara does not look convinced. "Nice story."
"It's not a story. It's true." (It's basically a version of what he shares whenever he's the speaker at GA meetings.)
She gives him a Look. "And this guy just told you all of that?"
He returns it with a pointed one of his own. "Didn't have to."
It takes a moment, then her eyes widen. "Oh. Ohhh."
"Yeah." Ryan smiles a little and nods toward the door to Horatio's office. "Don't make the same mistake I did. Tell H the truth."
"But--"
He shakes his head, expression serious again. "Tell him the truth, Tara, or I will. I won't enable you by covering this up."
For the first time genuine fear creeps onto her face. (Because, deep down, she knows the truth just like he had. She hasn't admitted it, not to anyone-- including herself!-- but it's still there. Staring her in the face. Mocking her because she's a doctor for God's sake! She should be better than this and it kills her that she's not.)
He doesn't waver, though, so she nods slowly and moves to enter the office. Satisfied, if a bit emotionally drained, Ryan turns away.
"Hey, Ryan." He turns back to look at Tara. "Thanks-- for telling me all that. I... have a feeling I'm not going to be in the mood to say it later, but I do appreciate it." He can see in her eyes that she means it, that she knows it wasn't easy and that he didn't have to.
His small smile returns and he nods his encouragement. She tries to smile in return but it's weak. Then she goes to face the music.
For a moment he looks through the glass into H's office, wondering if he'll ever see Dr. Tara Price again. It isn't a small thing, what she's done, and there will be consequences-- likely worse ones than he had to face. But he hopes he does, that she makes it to the other side because she's not a bad person.
Ryan vows to tell her that if he does see her again. It never hurts to hear it, especially from someone who's been there.