It's all about taking the easy way out for you,
....I suppose.
Just when things seem to be settling into place- a new room, getting towards the middle of the semester and doing well in classes, and starting to feel stable enough to start working again- I can always be sure that my life will start unraveling and the chain of fucked-up events is close at hand.
I'll spare you the details. This is my goddamn livejournal, and I have that right. However, I'll let you in on how shitty I feel and hope that putting it on the internet for anyone to see will help me feel better about it.
I know I want to save what's left. I've had a hard time trusting anyone, not just him, in the past, because I've been hurt before. I just never thought it would be like this. I saw things I will never forget, no matter what I do. I will never understand it. I have nightmares about it. I don't know how someone could do that to themselves voluntarily. And hide it from me. I knew something was going on, in my gut, I knew. My mind just said "the facts are here, you can't infer anything! So don't, because you'll make an argument out of it!" so I listened for awhile, avoiding all the signs that are now so obvious to me that something was wrong.
I'm going back tomorrow with my dad, back to that empty apartment. He bought me two rose bushes today (they're small) and they'll go in my windowsills. My mom stayed home from work today to help me make it through the day, which just made me feel really pathetic, like a baby. I'm not one of those people, I'm not one of those girls that just cries a lot for nothing. I try really hard to hold back my tears when I feel like crying, but the last few hours I haven't been too great at it. I just close my eyes and think about the things I have.
The whole ordeal makes me analyze myself a bit more. I handle things like a spoiled brat. I head out with plastic in hand, and gather up items at record speeds. I can't buy myself happiness, it won't come in the form of anything Juicy Couture can bring or the Chanel keychain I had to have. No amount of beauty products that I can buy (and neglect using) will change my life and make me feel better about this.
When I found him there, I just wanted to slap him in the face. Vomit. Scream. Whatever.
I'm still angry, but there's compassion there. I'm determined to save us.
Just when things seem to be settling into place- a new room, getting towards the middle of the semester and doing well in classes, and starting to feel stable enough to start working again- I can always be sure that my life will start unraveling and the chain of fucked-up events is close at hand.
I'll spare you the details. This is my goddamn livejournal, and I have that right. However, I'll let you in on how shitty I feel and hope that putting it on the internet for anyone to see will help me feel better about it.
I know I want to save what's left. I've had a hard time trusting anyone, not just him, in the past, because I've been hurt before. I just never thought it would be like this. I saw things I will never forget, no matter what I do. I will never understand it. I have nightmares about it. I don't know how someone could do that to themselves voluntarily. And hide it from me. I knew something was going on, in my gut, I knew. My mind just said "the facts are here, you can't infer anything! So don't, because you'll make an argument out of it!" so I listened for awhile, avoiding all the signs that are now so obvious to me that something was wrong.
I'm going back tomorrow with my dad, back to that empty apartment. He bought me two rose bushes today (they're small) and they'll go in my windowsills. My mom stayed home from work today to help me make it through the day, which just made me feel really pathetic, like a baby. I'm not one of those people, I'm not one of those girls that just cries a lot for nothing. I try really hard to hold back my tears when I feel like crying, but the last few hours I haven't been too great at it. I just close my eyes and think about the things I have.
The whole ordeal makes me analyze myself a bit more. I handle things like a spoiled brat. I head out with plastic in hand, and gather up items at record speeds. I can't buy myself happiness, it won't come in the form of anything Juicy Couture can bring or the Chanel keychain I had to have. No amount of beauty products that I can buy (and neglect using) will change my life and make me feel better about this.
When I found him there, I just wanted to slap him in the face. Vomit. Scream. Whatever.
I'm still angry, but there's compassion there. I'm determined to save us.