Sep 22, 2007 20:33
darn inspirational teaching movies.
so those that know me, know that i spend a pretty penny on DVD's. a couple of pretty pennies. i don't believe in bootleg movies. movies are an artform, that deserve to get the $19.99 each DVD they sell.
going into education, i make it a thing to expand my collection of "teacher" movies, movies that feature some sort of relation to the art of teaching. dead poet's society, the mighty ducks, les choristes, stand and deliver, remember the titans, sister act 2.
coach carter. i've had this movie for a while, but hadn't watched it until tonight. may i reiterate: darn inspirational teaching movies.
now, these "perfect scenario" movies always make me wonder whether or not these situations really happen. take a ragtag group of individuals, going nowhere with their lives, and transform them into champions, into success stories, into quality individuals. part of me feels like it paints a pretty picture of teachers, and gives people like me hope, to know that this is possible. i don't doubt that it IS possible. it is VERY possible. they just don't make blockbusters about failures in the field.
coach ken carter asks one of his players, cruz, several times in the movie: "what is your deepest fear?" his answer was this, quoted from an inauguration address by nelson mandela, who borrowed it from a poem by marienne williamson:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
beautiful. simply beautiful.
so i forced myself to answer the very question ken carter asked his boys: "what is my deepest fear?"
my deepest fear is to be unsuccessful. sure, to some, this may seem shallow, but it is the sole factor of what holds me back.
being unsuccessful with music,
unsuccessful with sports,
unsuccessful with working out,
unsuccessful with a girl,
unsuccessful with friendships or relationships,
unsuccessful with acceptance,
unsuccessful with leadership,
unsuccessful with making a difference,
unsuccessful with school,
unsuccessful with my career,
unsuccessful with my spiritual walk,
unsuccessful with life.
being a failure.
joseph's called me out on it once. i've realized it before. i don't know what failure feels like, because i've never put myself on the line, to experience the gut-wrenching, heart-tearing, tear-filled feeling of failure. i tell others that i have been blessed with the tools and sources available to me. the idea of failure scares the hell out of me.
so i start my student teaching at napa high school, in less than two days. less than 36 hours. people have asked me all week, how i feel about it. my answer has been, "i don't KNOW how i feel. i don't know whether to be excited, or to be scared out of my mind."
truth be told, i'm scared beyond measure. in my analytical mind, this experience can go one of two ways: they can either take me seriously, because they take music at napa high very seriously, or they can question my authority, because "who is this loser standing in front of us, thinking he knows what he is doing?" it can be either a success story, or a story of failure. it doesn't help that i remember how we treated our student teachers in high school. sure, we listened to poor ol' kristian leukert, but we made fun of him as well.
i'm not scared of not knowing what i'm doing. i feel very prepared, musically, for this task. i'm scared of the impact i'm going to be making, or how i'm going to relate to these kids. i've always been able to relate well to my classrooms, but this is a whole new ballgame. i relate well to individuals. i don't relate well to a large group of people.
i guess what it boils down to, like the quote says, i hope that i can share my light with them. i am overflowing with light. i just hope others can accept it, and make it their own.
there it is again. no matter what the problem is, it always comes back to hope.
i guess i'll have to check back on myself in a couple of weeks, and see the amount of learning i have made, in taking a risk as great as this, and seeing how i come out in the end.
this is a huge thing for me. and i'm ready to experience it, head on.
- - - - - - -
week two at PUC. what's made it bearable:
*my hyper, but long thursday. working desk from 6-8am, helping out with porter power (geez, it just so happens that the freshmen girls ALL live on fourth floor winning, and pack their entire LIVES into their trucks), stealing julie's shower pole, joking with tim and jeremy about leaving the cardboard cowgirl outside grainger at midnight, helping jordan move in, sarcasm with ashley pelton, catching up with jeff cho, inventing the new "fusion handshake," creating a ball out of saran wrap, having two bowls of ice cream.
*seeing the radiant glow from the freshmen. oh, they're so cute.
*seeing and catching up with uncle garry. updating him on the progress life has taken me since the philippines, and hearing how things have been going for him.
*helping cory move in, and becoming mrs. mitchell's "new son" with a twisted sense of humor.
*phone calls from janer (i better be getting an ENTIRE bag of sour watermelon candy covered in li hing powder!) and josh (it was good talking to ME for 2 1/2 hours, too!).
*sabbath lunch conversation with cara tan. though rare in number, they're always quality.
*my portable electric heater, donated to me by elaine pajela. i'm gonna have to write her a huge thank you; it was FREEZING today.
i wonder what week three's gonna hold. it should be interesting.
career,
introspection,
quote,
movie,
teaching,
phone call