the "berryessa boys..."
people are gonna have to pardon me for being so cryptic... there's valid reason for that...
so quick fix last week didn't work very well... it's so sad that i've come to make all of these realizations and revelations into something that sounds somewhat void of value... truth is, that they're not... they're great things to realize, but life will always be a process...
here comes a quote from grey's anatomy this week:
"too often, the thing you want most, is the one thing you can't have.
desire leaves us heartbroken; it wears us out.
desire can wreck your life.
but as tough as wanting something can be,
the people who suffer the most,
are those who don't know what they want."
well, at least i know what i want out of life, and it never hurts to strive for those things, knowing that they're not destructive... i know that in the end, i'm only striving for things that would make me a better person...
so the predicament of my life; the rock and a hard place...
do i change my core and care less about others, in order to avoid the heartache that results when people fall short...?
-or-
do i care wholeheartedly, knowing that i'd be constantly going through the vicious cycle of constantly feeling let down...?
my answer's in another quote, from smallville this time:
"you'll never give up on someone;
your greatest strength might also be your greatest weakness: your hope."
no need for explanation there... but i believe it applies...
i just need someone, anyone, who i can be 100% john osio with, and who i can be there for, and them be there for me just the same in return... i need love to be returned, since i live to love... i need someone to love me, as much as i love others... when all the love is exhausted, i need someone to pick me up and replenish it...
so i'm past the question of whether or not people love me, and whether or not i'm relevant... i know that i am constantly a receiver of love, and important to people...
what's bothered me this week is wondering who can be there for me when i need assistance... the problem is that the people that i have a level of confidence with, who i should be able to talk to about my problems, would probably be the most offended with what i had to say... they would probably be hurt the most from some of the thoughts i had to share... and frankly, some were tired of hearing me complain, so i decided to do them a favor and spare them the ramblings...
what i needed this week were people that would listen, and JUST listen... people that could sympathize, and just be there... too often, people feel that when someone's hurting, they need to fix their problems... sometimes, people just don't need a solution; they just want someone to be there...
in my case, i needed people that don't know about the little details to try to become investigative and piece things together... i've had so many thought processes running through my head, that i needed someone to positively affirm the thought processes, and help me realize that the conflicts and conclusions i'm coming across are valid...
i've been blessed with three people within one 24-hour period, that were there to listen... i don't know if they wanted to be thrown in that position, but if the explosive literary diarrhea didn't come pouring out, i would've been overwhelmed and frustrated... and surprisingly, they were very supportive and interested...
jeff cho, bryce chun, and amy bellinghausen...
those three were there to listen... some happened by accident... but i took a risk in opening up to these three... all three, amazing people... if situations and environments worked towards our favor, i could definitely see these friendships develop into something amazing... it's just harder when you're not constantly around people, to foster a friendship...
my talk with jeff:
chris kam invited me to lake berryessa ditching out on the last half of vespers... when he mentioned it, i thought it was coincidence since that same day, i was thinking of driving out there alone just to reflect and think... i decided to grasp the opportunity and tag along... jeff came as well, and we both found ourselves at the edge of the lake, balancing on a long piece of driftwood, just looking out at the dark lake in silence... we both got into talking about our rough weeks, which led into talking about anything and everything on our minds... from friendships, to relationships, to family, to respect, to life experiences, to college, to our haunting pasts, to the recurring themes of our present lives, to our futures... we talked on that piece of driftwood for over an hour... we both had a lot on our minds, and he felt honored that i was opening up to him, and i was just glad to know that he was there to listen, and empathize... it was nice to hear him say that i was a good person... he prayed afterwards, and we found our way back to the others at a warm fire...
my talk with bryce:
coming back from berryessa at almost one in the morning, bryce was still up, so we got to talking, having a roommate heart-to-heart... kara mentioned that bryce lives to serve others, and knowing his personality type, it makes sense... i had to ask him how he managed to run that way, knowing that often, people take it for granted... he shared with me his thoughts, which sounded very similar to mine... he mentioned that he had that core that he could rely on, and that when friendships fall short, that he could rely on his family... discussing family and friendships dominated that conversation... so another supports the thoughts running through my head...
my talk with amy:
after playing with the bell choir for first service, amy and i both ditched out to grab some breakfast that mrs rasmussen brought for us, before splitting in our different directions... for some reason, after grabbing a banana, we both ended up just sitting around in the seminar room, and both feeling exhausted from the week, the conversation eventually led to the same problems i posed to jeff and bryce... this time, it took a spiritual direction... i shared with her some of my findings along the way, and she readily accepted and agreed with a lot of the conclusions i've made... she just listened, and didn't try to offer any fixes... the conversation ended prematurely since others started to come in, but she offered a listening ear, anytime i needed someone to talk to... knowing that she's making herself available like that puts a smile on my face...
it's amazing how much God intervenes in your life, if you just ask... "ask and you shall receive; seek and you shall find..." i needed someone to be there to listen to me, to intently care about what was on my mind, and approve of the random conclusions i've been making... i got lucky; i found three... three awesome people that allowed me to vent, without giving belitting comments... although self-initiated, they probably don't realize how much it meant to me...
okay, i'm rambling... i should probably stop... in other random TV news, i've found my TV counterpart: dr. james wilson of "house..." watch episode 320 entitled "house training..." i felt like his ex-wife was talking about me... i could write out a transcript, but i'm too lazy...
- - - - - - -
thursday... had a pretty awesome colloquy presentation from dr mukerji... wisdom nugget: "for every negative force, there is an equal and opposite positive force..." she shared failure stories that humble her as a professor, and listed different qualities of different specific professors that she admired...
friday... our adventist heritage class tried to confuse mcgraw by switching up our seats... the great thing was that it worked, and he refused to pass back our quizzes, b/c he didn't know where everyone was... SO many wisdom nuggets from that class... it's amazing how attentive people can be... he presents ellen white as a person, mentioning that she grew from her early to late experiences as a prophetess... she was a growing Christian, like the rest of us... wisdom nuggets:
*"God gave us common sense and the ability to reason, with the capability of doing both..."
*"the quickest way to screw yourself up is to look at the world and try to confirm it in the Bible..."
*"God draws straight with crooked lines; He takes what we have and leads us in the right path..."
*"once you get organized and take a stance, you can't let God lead..."
*"practice doesn't make perfect; practice makes permanent..."
i know one needs to understand the context of some of those quotes to realize how true they are... but that's what's great about this class; it allows you to see where people made mistakes, and pull wisdom from the past to apply it to the present...
kara made a cupcake especially for me, which she gave me in music history... it was a really nice gesture, which i appreciated... after handbells practice, i tagged along with janer and joy to safeway to pick up supplies, as well as some food... helped set up for interactions with several of janer's friends, as well as amy and andrea... tyler and i broke one of the ceramic light coverings when we moved a gateway towards the side of the room... oops?
vespers... played for special music, accompanying josh and yvonne... played BarlowGirl's "never alone..." couldn't use music, since they needed me to transpose the song... ended up working out pretty well... afterwards, chris kam invited me to lake berryessa, and i jumped at the opportunity... jeff and three of their friends--julie, amanda, and kim--came along... found a nice pullout from the trail, walked to a small secluded shore where four others left us a dying firepit, which was nice... we didn't have to construct our own fire from scratch... we made some smores, i talked with jeff at the edge of the lake, we sang a medley of Christian songs, prayed, and headed back to PUC really late... the three girls referred to us as the "berryessa boys" as we left... what a great, random excursion on a friday night...
had some roommate bonding time with bryce that night, as well as some time today... watched a couple of episodes of scrubs together... man, i've forgotten how hilarious that show is... it's funny, b/c i would only watch that show with a roommate; casey and i watched it a lot my sophomore year, and bryce and i just had that moment today...
sabbath... had to wake up early for handbells performance... heard the alarm go off, and in my attempt to shut it off, i took a step out of bed with my right leg, not realizing that it was dead asleep, collapsing to the floor immediately... i sat there for a couple of seconds to regain composure, and shut it off... handbells went well... janer volunteered me to help in leading song service... after first service, amy and i had an early breakfast and conversation, and the rest of us chilled until second service, which went well as well... found out from lauren that lorraine is thoroughly convinced that kara and i are dating... muahaha, that would be fun to exploit, wouldn't it?
took the sabbath nap until the organ concert by william ness... required attendance of those taking organ lessons, but i didn't mind... he was both rasmussens' organ teacher, and it definitely shows... he was very vibrant in his playing, and played with such accuracy... i've been inspired by so many organists lately... sat with the polk family up in the balcony...
so my right ring and pinky toes hurt... i overextended them when i fell over... oh well... just killing time until dinner with the polks...
so quick fix last week didn't work very well... it's so sad that i've come to make all of these realizations and revelations into something that sounds somewhat void of value... truth is, that they're not... they're great things to realize, but life will always be a process...
here comes a quote from grey's anatomy this week:
"too often, the thing you want most, is the one thing you can't have.
desire leaves us heartbroken; it wears us out.
desire can wreck your life.
but as tough as wanting something can be,
the people who suffer the most,
are those who don't know what they want."
well, at least i know what i want out of life, and it never hurts to strive for those things, knowing that they're not destructive... i know that in the end, i'm only striving for things that would make me a better person...
so the predicament of my life; the rock and a hard place...
do i change my core and care less about others, in order to avoid the heartache that results when people fall short...?
-or-
do i care wholeheartedly, knowing that i'd be constantly going through the vicious cycle of constantly feeling let down...?
my answer's in another quote, from smallville this time:
"you'll never give up on someone;
your greatest strength might also be your greatest weakness: your hope."
no need for explanation there... but i believe it applies...
i just need someone, anyone, who i can be 100% john osio with, and who i can be there for, and them be there for me just the same in return... i need love to be returned, since i live to love... i need someone to love me, as much as i love others... when all the love is exhausted, i need someone to pick me up and replenish it...
so i'm past the question of whether or not people love me, and whether or not i'm relevant... i know that i am constantly a receiver of love, and important to people...
what's bothered me this week is wondering who can be there for me when i need assistance... the problem is that the people that i have a level of confidence with, who i should be able to talk to about my problems, would probably be the most offended with what i had to say... they would probably be hurt the most from some of the thoughts i had to share... and frankly, some were tired of hearing me complain, so i decided to do them a favor and spare them the ramblings...
what i needed this week were people that would listen, and JUST listen... people that could sympathize, and just be there... too often, people feel that when someone's hurting, they need to fix their problems... sometimes, people just don't need a solution; they just want someone to be there...
in my case, i needed people that don't know about the little details to try to become investigative and piece things together... i've had so many thought processes running through my head, that i needed someone to positively affirm the thought processes, and help me realize that the conflicts and conclusions i'm coming across are valid...
i've been blessed with three people within one 24-hour period, that were there to listen... i don't know if they wanted to be thrown in that position, but if the explosive literary diarrhea didn't come pouring out, i would've been overwhelmed and frustrated... and surprisingly, they were very supportive and interested...
jeff cho, bryce chun, and amy bellinghausen...
those three were there to listen... some happened by accident... but i took a risk in opening up to these three... all three, amazing people... if situations and environments worked towards our favor, i could definitely see these friendships develop into something amazing... it's just harder when you're not constantly around people, to foster a friendship...
my talk with jeff:
chris kam invited me to lake berryessa ditching out on the last half of vespers... when he mentioned it, i thought it was coincidence since that same day, i was thinking of driving out there alone just to reflect and think... i decided to grasp the opportunity and tag along... jeff came as well, and we both found ourselves at the edge of the lake, balancing on a long piece of driftwood, just looking out at the dark lake in silence... we both got into talking about our rough weeks, which led into talking about anything and everything on our minds... from friendships, to relationships, to family, to respect, to life experiences, to college, to our haunting pasts, to the recurring themes of our present lives, to our futures... we talked on that piece of driftwood for over an hour... we both had a lot on our minds, and he felt honored that i was opening up to him, and i was just glad to know that he was there to listen, and empathize... it was nice to hear him say that i was a good person... he prayed afterwards, and we found our way back to the others at a warm fire...
my talk with bryce:
coming back from berryessa at almost one in the morning, bryce was still up, so we got to talking, having a roommate heart-to-heart... kara mentioned that bryce lives to serve others, and knowing his personality type, it makes sense... i had to ask him how he managed to run that way, knowing that often, people take it for granted... he shared with me his thoughts, which sounded very similar to mine... he mentioned that he had that core that he could rely on, and that when friendships fall short, that he could rely on his family... discussing family and friendships dominated that conversation... so another supports the thoughts running through my head...
my talk with amy:
after playing with the bell choir for first service, amy and i both ditched out to grab some breakfast that mrs rasmussen brought for us, before splitting in our different directions... for some reason, after grabbing a banana, we both ended up just sitting around in the seminar room, and both feeling exhausted from the week, the conversation eventually led to the same problems i posed to jeff and bryce... this time, it took a spiritual direction... i shared with her some of my findings along the way, and she readily accepted and agreed with a lot of the conclusions i've made... she just listened, and didn't try to offer any fixes... the conversation ended prematurely since others started to come in, but she offered a listening ear, anytime i needed someone to talk to... knowing that she's making herself available like that puts a smile on my face...
it's amazing how much God intervenes in your life, if you just ask... "ask and you shall receive; seek and you shall find..." i needed someone to be there to listen to me, to intently care about what was on my mind, and approve of the random conclusions i've been making... i got lucky; i found three... three awesome people that allowed me to vent, without giving belitting comments... although self-initiated, they probably don't realize how much it meant to me...
okay, i'm rambling... i should probably stop... in other random TV news, i've found my TV counterpart: dr. james wilson of "house..." watch episode 320 entitled "house training..." i felt like his ex-wife was talking about me... i could write out a transcript, but i'm too lazy...
- - - - - - -
thursday... had a pretty awesome colloquy presentation from dr mukerji... wisdom nugget: "for every negative force, there is an equal and opposite positive force..." she shared failure stories that humble her as a professor, and listed different qualities of different specific professors that she admired...
friday... our adventist heritage class tried to confuse mcgraw by switching up our seats... the great thing was that it worked, and he refused to pass back our quizzes, b/c he didn't know where everyone was... SO many wisdom nuggets from that class... it's amazing how attentive people can be... he presents ellen white as a person, mentioning that she grew from her early to late experiences as a prophetess... she was a growing Christian, like the rest of us... wisdom nuggets:
*"God gave us common sense and the ability to reason, with the capability of doing both..."
*"the quickest way to screw yourself up is to look at the world and try to confirm it in the Bible..."
*"God draws straight with crooked lines; He takes what we have and leads us in the right path..."
*"once you get organized and take a stance, you can't let God lead..."
*"practice doesn't make perfect; practice makes permanent..."
i know one needs to understand the context of some of those quotes to realize how true they are... but that's what's great about this class; it allows you to see where people made mistakes, and pull wisdom from the past to apply it to the present...
kara made a cupcake especially for me, which she gave me in music history... it was a really nice gesture, which i appreciated... after handbells practice, i tagged along with janer and joy to safeway to pick up supplies, as well as some food... helped set up for interactions with several of janer's friends, as well as amy and andrea... tyler and i broke one of the ceramic light coverings when we moved a gateway towards the side of the room... oops?
vespers... played for special music, accompanying josh and yvonne... played BarlowGirl's "never alone..." couldn't use music, since they needed me to transpose the song... ended up working out pretty well... afterwards, chris kam invited me to lake berryessa, and i jumped at the opportunity... jeff and three of their friends--julie, amanda, and kim--came along... found a nice pullout from the trail, walked to a small secluded shore where four others left us a dying firepit, which was nice... we didn't have to construct our own fire from scratch... we made some smores, i talked with jeff at the edge of the lake, we sang a medley of Christian songs, prayed, and headed back to PUC really late... the three girls referred to us as the "berryessa boys" as we left... what a great, random excursion on a friday night...
had some roommate bonding time with bryce that night, as well as some time today... watched a couple of episodes of scrubs together... man, i've forgotten how hilarious that show is... it's funny, b/c i would only watch that show with a roommate; casey and i watched it a lot my sophomore year, and bryce and i just had that moment today...
sabbath... had to wake up early for handbells performance... heard the alarm go off, and in my attempt to shut it off, i took a step out of bed with my right leg, not realizing that it was dead asleep, collapsing to the floor immediately... i sat there for a couple of seconds to regain composure, and shut it off... handbells went well... janer volunteered me to help in leading song service... after first service, amy and i had an early breakfast and conversation, and the rest of us chilled until second service, which went well as well... found out from lauren that lorraine is thoroughly convinced that kara and i are dating... muahaha, that would be fun to exploit, wouldn't it?
took the sabbath nap until the organ concert by william ness... required attendance of those taking organ lessons, but i didn't mind... he was both rasmussens' organ teacher, and it definitely shows... he was very vibrant in his playing, and played with such accuracy... i've been inspired by so many organists lately... sat with the polk family up in the balcony...
so my right ring and pinky toes hurt... i overextended them when i fell over... oh well... just killing time until dinner with the polks...