the raised darrin fists...
what a week, so far... ups and downs, galore...
i'm set to write a private entry, in a little bit... definitely shouldn't share certain thoughts aloud... but so far:
monday:
*had a laptop party in grainger lobby with sean mcmunn and neal... ended up talking to neal for a while about psychological issues and friends, and for advice, when i know why people are acting the way they are...
*really loud morning in BofM, which was annoying at 8 in the morning, outside in the cold...
*lunch with darrin, andy, josh, yvonne, and marla outside, on a nice, bright, sunny day...
*spending a half hour talking to yvonne next to the fountain...
*spending all afternoon rehearsing with the people i was going to accompany for the recital...
*recital... darrin's practicum choir going well, even when we sharped... being so scared on the organ that my arms and legs started shaking... accompanying kara, amber, and jonny went well... witnessing a wonderful improv on "fur elise..." holding jonny's stuff for ransom... providing kara a shoulder to cry on...
*discussing awkward puberty stages with yvonne, marla, and josh over dinner...
*literally knocking out after room check, even before jonny got in the room... father complex did not care at that moment; i was exhausted...
tuesday:
*deciding to comb my hair like i did, the first 12 years of my life...
*reenacting the recital story for listeners...
*bringing kara as a guest to icantori, which ended up being green day... the "osio family" knew the piece, too...
*singing beautiful male four-part choral stuff in icantori...
*receiving a smile of approval from rasmussen; i'm assuming it was, at least, probably from good tone placement, and resonance...
*darrin spoiling our appetite by his disgusting caesar salad story (ugh, mixing the salad, arms and hands and all... BLECH!), and having amazing key lime pie...
*talking with yvonne outside of grainger for an hour...
*chatting with annie and jordan in the lobby...
*BAQ practice... fanfares, resulting in raised darrin fists...
*quick market run with andy...
*talking to jordan online, then having an extended "beanbag conversation" with andy until 2 in the morning...
today:
*teaching the 2-4 graders music class... went surprisingly well!
*icantori... probably being the singular receiving end of a general rant... it's okay, though...
*paulin time with jordan and tim, and switching places with darrin in handbells: "switch! switch!"
*watching cory's playoff game (good job, man... good luck on your championship game), watching it with darrin, and learning more about darrin and his childhood, as well as discussing RA's and the future...
*going to andy's cell group (wasn't feeling the group dynamic, since i wasn't in the greatest mood)...
*dinner with andy, with janer and cory joining eventually... being slammed in the face several times by the napkin basket (sorry, janer... i won't make fun of that story again)...
- - - - - - -
during andy's cell group, camille presented ephesians 4 in its entirety, and the issue of anger and letting go came up... generally, i've been in a sour mood this week, and honestly, hearing those verses didn't help me try to break out of it... i've let too much of my sensitivity show lately, that i've started to despise it... it's who i've always been, and a lot of the times, it's resulted in me getting hurt... the one verse i agreed with was the part that said that stated that we are allowed to be in our anger...
i have had a lot to be frustrated with, lately... so much, as a matter of fact that it's starting to become detrimental to my sanity... there a lot of thoughts running through my head... analysis of certain friendships, reminiscing on sour ones in the past, certain situations, history, the future...
need to get them out... definitely not for the faint of heart... so i'll spare the angry mob, and the possibility of offending someone...
and besides... self esteem at this present time, is about as big as the space between my fingernail and my finger... i can't bear for it to fall any lower...
bottom line: my ability to love is slowly seeping away from me... both abounding, and unrequited love, has become so taxing...
i'm set to write a private entry, in a little bit... definitely shouldn't share certain thoughts aloud... but so far:
monday:
*had a laptop party in grainger lobby with sean mcmunn and neal... ended up talking to neal for a while about psychological issues and friends, and for advice, when i know why people are acting the way they are...
*really loud morning in BofM, which was annoying at 8 in the morning, outside in the cold...
*lunch with darrin, andy, josh, yvonne, and marla outside, on a nice, bright, sunny day...
*spending a half hour talking to yvonne next to the fountain...
*spending all afternoon rehearsing with the people i was going to accompany for the recital...
*recital... darrin's practicum choir going well, even when we sharped... being so scared on the organ that my arms and legs started shaking... accompanying kara, amber, and jonny went well... witnessing a wonderful improv on "fur elise..." holding jonny's stuff for ransom... providing kara a shoulder to cry on...
*discussing awkward puberty stages with yvonne, marla, and josh over dinner...
*literally knocking out after room check, even before jonny got in the room... father complex did not care at that moment; i was exhausted...
tuesday:
*deciding to comb my hair like i did, the first 12 years of my life...
*reenacting the recital story for listeners...
*bringing kara as a guest to icantori, which ended up being green day... the "osio family" knew the piece, too...
*singing beautiful male four-part choral stuff in icantori...
*receiving a smile of approval from rasmussen; i'm assuming it was, at least, probably from good tone placement, and resonance...
*darrin spoiling our appetite by his disgusting caesar salad story (ugh, mixing the salad, arms and hands and all... BLECH!), and having amazing key lime pie...
*talking with yvonne outside of grainger for an hour...
*chatting with annie and jordan in the lobby...
*BAQ practice... fanfares, resulting in raised darrin fists...
*quick market run with andy...
*talking to jordan online, then having an extended "beanbag conversation" with andy until 2 in the morning...
today:
*teaching the 2-4 graders music class... went surprisingly well!
*icantori... probably being the singular receiving end of a general rant... it's okay, though...
*paulin time with jordan and tim, and switching places with darrin in handbells: "switch! switch!"
*watching cory's playoff game (good job, man... good luck on your championship game), watching it with darrin, and learning more about darrin and his childhood, as well as discussing RA's and the future...
*going to andy's cell group (wasn't feeling the group dynamic, since i wasn't in the greatest mood)...
*dinner with andy, with janer and cory joining eventually... being slammed in the face several times by the napkin basket (sorry, janer... i won't make fun of that story again)...
- - - - - - -
during andy's cell group, camille presented ephesians 4 in its entirety, and the issue of anger and letting go came up... generally, i've been in a sour mood this week, and honestly, hearing those verses didn't help me try to break out of it... i've let too much of my sensitivity show lately, that i've started to despise it... it's who i've always been, and a lot of the times, it's resulted in me getting hurt... the one verse i agreed with was the part that said that stated that we are allowed to be in our anger...
i have had a lot to be frustrated with, lately... so much, as a matter of fact that it's starting to become detrimental to my sanity... there a lot of thoughts running through my head... analysis of certain friendships, reminiscing on sour ones in the past, certain situations, history, the future...
need to get them out... definitely not for the faint of heart... so i'll spare the angry mob, and the possibility of offending someone...
and besides... self esteem at this present time, is about as big as the space between my fingernail and my finger... i can't bear for it to fall any lower...
bottom line: my ability to love is slowly seeping away from me... both abounding, and unrequited love, has become so taxing...