can you feel your heart beat racing. can you taste the fear in her sweat.
im a bit drunk, but not to any extreme extent. i wanted to ask you what was up. but im so unsure of things right now. and i wish someone would make it easy on me, and make me sure. though i know nothing in this world is quite that easy. so i suppose i will have to learn for myself. and i hope youre not still interested in her. but its just a hope, and they do fade. but how can i be so selfish as to ask that of you. im sorry that jealousy tends to overpower me. and that i seem to be in a rush. but a rush to get where. it all seems to be a mystery to me. but one i would like to solve. and quickly. and the stage that im acused of being in, is not one liked by me. i dont like being a beginner. a naive girl, knowing nothing of love and relationships. i dont like being analyzed. and i know you all care. but you make me feel inadequit. like i do nothing right. and im sorry that i dont know how to act around boys. im sorry that they all have tendency to hurt me. and that im happy that i may have found one thats worth keeping around. i simply dont know what to think now. just that im not too happy with the person ive become. i had such high hopes for myself as a little girl. i never expected to turn out like i did. my nights consist of. drinking. cigarettes. drinking. talking. laughing. kissing. drinking. driving. conversation. un-intellegience. regret. fire. drinking. and it may not be something to be proud of. so let me reassure you that im not. but i happen to be somewhat content. not of the number of boys ive kissed. not of the amount of alcohol ive consumed. not of the total unreal smiles ive flashed. i make mistakes, but i like to think that i learn from them. and i dont like to think of anything i do as a regret, but as a lesson. and i think ive learned a lot over the years. or at least i like to think so. but i see myself. gaining weight. and i dont know what to do. as i pop the endless amounts of diet pills. it came as a last resort, and its not working just as i had planned. or the grueling exercises i do. but nothing seems to be changing. and im lost. and i want to be found. and told what to do. be enforced. so ive decided that tomorrow, i go back to my old diet. the one that seemed to work quite beautifully, until i gave up. but this time, ill be holding on until the end. for dear life. whether i like it or not.