(no subject)
im shaking. not only is it cold, but i simply dont feel well. im listening to the oldies, trying to force myself into a better mood. but it doesnt seem to be working too well. i hung out with mal, syd, korina, and the rest. it was fun i suppose. but i had an empty feeling, deep inside the pit of my stomach. and it wouldnt stop. stop haunting me. then tina and devyn came. which was weird. i havent talked to devyn in ages. but it was nice. it just made me realize, even more than i already have, what having a boyfriend usually does to you. which is what scares me. ive lost so many close friends to boys. and i hate being second best. it makes me want to give up. but last night, me and crystal had to spend the night in a hotel with korina. and we despised the idea. and im quite proud of myself. he edged up, closer. and i knew exactly what was on his mind. but the thought never even crossed mine. no cuddling, kissing, holding. anything. and simply because i care for you. and i really dont think anyone knows how much that scares me to say. ive never been in this situation before. i mean, dont get me wrong, ive liked guys before of course. head over heels. but no one has ever returned the sentiment. and im not even sure if its being exchanged here. im too doubtful. and im sorry if i constantly need to be told. reminded of the feelings that linger. but i dont want to believe it. because it will give me a reason to care. to feel. to stay. and ive never experienced this before. im a beginner. and i love the thought of it. but broken hearts bring pain. and i dont want that again. i cant handle that again. so please. be the real deal. honesty may bring pain, but it is the best way....