Certain Things Just Always Happen in the Strangest Way Possible
Sequel to “So I May Have Hijacked your Genetic Material…”
Here --> http://helloiamsilver.livejournal.com/6887.html
And “Can’t a Man Tell People a Woman’s Pregnant with his Baby without Everyone Assuming He Did Something!?
Here --> http://helloiamsilver.livejournal.com/7094.html
And “Is Your Sperm Radioactive or Something? What the Hell?”
Here --> http://helloiamsilver.livejournal.com/7310.html
And “Being Famous Would Be Way Cooler If I Didn’t Have to Deal with so Many Scandals”
Here--> http://helloiamsilver.livejournal.com/7766.html
And “No One Will Ever Suspect I Stole Your Sperm! Not Even the TV Watching Public!”
Here--> http://helloiamsilver.livejournal.com/8092.html
(I have got to find a more concise way to do this…)
Title: Certain Things Just Always Happen in the Strangest Way Possible
Author: Helloiamsilver
Disclaimer: I own none of the people involved and this (as far as I know) never occurred
Pairing: Pretty Gen but it’s Adam/Sauli I guess and an OFC/Adam’s sperm
Rating: PG
Length: 1302
Warnings: Crack
Summary: Adam and Julie attempt to tell Ellen the truth
“Uh…That might be a LITTLE tough to explain…”Adam began as Ellen stared quizzically at both him and Julie, eyes flicking back and forth every now and then.
“Um, can you try?” She asked, and raised an eyebrow
“Can you keep your mouth shut?” Julie piped up. Adam shot her a look. No need to be rude. However Ellen just nodded in ascent.
“What exactly do I need to keep my mouth shut about?”
“Well, this whole situation might be a WEE bit different than what we originally said. You see-” Adam smacked a hand over Julie’s mouth before she could say anything more.
“Basically, she tracked down and stole my sperm!”
“I did not STEAL it!” Julie shoved Adam’s arm away, “You donated it voluntarily!”
“Yes, but I thought, not unreasonably, that it wouldn’t get hidden away for ten years-”
“Ten YEARS!?” Ellen interjected.
“And then get smuggled away and used by some psychotic woman to have my child-children!- after I became famous from a reality TV show and gained a loving, yet disturbingly devoted army of fans who stalk me on twitter and steal my SPERM DONATIONS!!!” Adam gestured wildly as his voice began to shoot into his highest octaves possible. That’s an impressive feat. Adam panted for a little bit as he came down from his rant-high. He turned around slowly to face Ellen, prepared for anything.
“So…That’s an interesting story there,” She nodded sagely.
“I may have gotten…a little carried way there,” Adam ducked his head.
“That’s ok. Just uh…She tracked down your sperm?”
“Well she found out that I had donated it and THEN tracked it down,” Adam admitted.
“How did you find out about this?”
“She told me at the mall,” Ellen barked out a laugh. Adam then realized that Julie had not said a peep of her side of the story since Adam’s explosion. That was uncharacteristic. He turned back around to look at her. She had a strange expression on her face and was clutching her stomach as she leaned against the wall for support.
“Oooohhh…” She let out a long moan, “Adam?” She addressed him in a weak, wavering voice.
“Wha?”
“I think my water just broke…” She whined and slid down the wall. Adam’s jaw dropped. Right NOW!? SERIOUSLY!?
--
Adam just stared and blinked at her for a little while as he tried to get this information to process fully.
“Adam!” She snapped at him, “I’m going into LABOR! Right fucking NOW!!”
“Um, ok! Right. Labor! Um…Hospital!” Adam tried to get his brain on track to focus and gave a quick “one second” finger to Ellen before he ran out the door to check where his mustang was parked just outside the back doors. Thank fucking GOD he had insisted on driving himself home after the interview. He ran back inside to help Julie up with Ellen’s assistance. He hoisted her up into his arms and carried her out to the car. After carefully buckling her into the front seat, he turned around to Ellen for a moment.
“Not a word right?”
“My lips are sealed my friend,” She air-zipped her lips.
“Can you two fucking HURRY IT UP!!??” Julie screeched at them, “I’m having BABIES!”
“Right! Coming!” He leaped into the driver’s seat and hauled ass to the hospital, breaking innumerable traffic laws and speed limits along the way. He had a woman in labor for Christ’s sake!! He was allowed to get away with this shit!
Finally, he swerved into the front of the hospital, tires screeching. And no, it was not just to be dramatic. He continued to leap back OUT of the driver’s seat and hauled JULIE’S ass INTO the hospital. He kicked the door open, shouting.
“I have a woman in labor!!” And, ok, maybe that was to be dramatic. He then proceeded to follow after several nurse and doctor people as they took Julie out of his arms and led her to the maternity ward and a nice cozy hospital room.
“Fucking fuck, this hurts!” Julie growled through gritted teeth as she lay back on the bed and awaited her epidural. Adam just twiddled his fingers as he waited for Sauli to pick up the phone.
“Hey Adam, what’s going on? I thought you were supposed to be back from Ellen-”
“Look, yeah about that, Julie’s in labor,”
“What!?”
“Yeah…So if you could come down to the hospital right now? I need some support right now,”
“I’M the one who needs fucking support!! Call my mother!!” Julie shouted at him from her bed as she grabbed the handrails.
“Yeah, I’ll be down there Adam,” Sauli assured quickly before hanging up. Adam turned back to Julie.
“I don’t know your mother’s number!”
“Check my phone! Or call YOUR mother, I don’t care!! Get me someone who can coach me through this who’s not a gay man! I feel you may not be the best authority on childbirth!”
“Point. Now, where’s your phone?” Adam’s eyes darted around the room.
“Check my purse!” Julie seemed incapable of lowering her voice past one exclamation point. Not that Adam blamed her; she looked like a balloon about to pop. He scrolled through her phone’s contacts until he spotted “Mom”.
“Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up!” he muttered as he waited.
“Hello?”
‘Hi! Mrs. Turner?”
“Yes, who is this on my daughter’s phone?”
“Um…” Adam wasn’t sure how much Julie had told her family about this whole thing, “Julie’s in labor!”
“What!? Oh, is this Adam?”
“Yes! Julie told you..?”
“That you’re the father of her children? Yes, she did. Last week, in fact. She had been keeping it a secret but she said I would find out soon enough,”
“That’s true. But yes, this is Adam, the father,”
“Ok good. You say she’s in labor!?”
“Yeah and she wants you down here,”
“Of course she does! I’ll be there in two shakes of a lamb’s tail!”
“You know which hospital?”
“Yup, now stop talking and let me drive!”
“Yes, Mrs. Turner,”
“Call me Sherry dear!” She then hung up.
After Adam set down the phone, he decided that he would, in fact, call his own mother and see if she could come down too. He needed as many experienced people as he could get down here.
Sauli, Sherry and Leila arrived at about the same time to Adam and Julie’s hospital room. It was also at about the same time, the male nurse told Julie that she couldn’t have an epidural.
“What do you FUCKING MEAN it’s too late!” She screeched and grabbed the nurse’s collar. Adam gently pulled her hands away before she killed the poor guy.
“I-I’m sorry miss! You’re too far along at this point! You’re just going to have to do it without painkillers,” She looked like she was about to go for the nurse’s throat. Both Sherry and Leila quickly grabbed each of Julie’s arms and held her back down to the bed.
She screamed out once in pain before lying down on the bed and sacrificing herself to her fate. She turned to glare at Adam.
“I hate you sooo much right now!!” She hissed between groans of pain.
“Me!? What did I do!?” The nurse gave him an “are you seriously asking that?” look
“Well, it’s your sperm so it must be your fault SOMEHOW!!”
“I didn’t do anything! You did this to yourself!”
“Not entirely!!”
“Hey! You did not HAVE to get inseminated!”
“Exactly!! And if I hadn’t seen your god damned name glowing from that god damned donor list, I would’ve chickened out!! Ergo, YOU’RE FUCKING FAULT!!”
“Ok! Ok!” Adam put his hands up in surrender, “It’s my fault! Can we discuss this later!?”
Sauli, Sherry and Leila all exchanged looks. This was going to be a long, looong night.
Here --> http://helloiamsilver.livejournal.com/6887.html
And “Can’t a Man Tell People a Woman’s Pregnant with his Baby without Everyone Assuming He Did Something!?
Here --> http://helloiamsilver.livejournal.com/7094.html
And “Is Your Sperm Radioactive or Something? What the Hell?”
Here --> http://helloiamsilver.livejournal.com/7310.html
And “Being Famous Would Be Way Cooler If I Didn’t Have to Deal with so Many Scandals”
Here--> http://helloiamsilver.livejournal.com/7766.html
And “No One Will Ever Suspect I Stole Your Sperm! Not Even the TV Watching Public!”
Here--> http://helloiamsilver.livejournal.com/8092.html
(I have got to find a more concise way to do this…)
Title: Certain Things Just Always Happen in the Strangest Way Possible
Author: Helloiamsilver
Disclaimer: I own none of the people involved and this (as far as I know) never occurred
Pairing: Pretty Gen but it’s Adam/Sauli I guess and an OFC/Adam’s sperm
Rating: PG
Length: 1302
Warnings: Crack
Summary: Adam and Julie attempt to tell Ellen the truth
“Uh…That might be a LITTLE tough to explain…”Adam began as Ellen stared quizzically at both him and Julie, eyes flicking back and forth every now and then.
“Um, can you try?” She asked, and raised an eyebrow
“Can you keep your mouth shut?” Julie piped up. Adam shot her a look. No need to be rude. However Ellen just nodded in ascent.
“What exactly do I need to keep my mouth shut about?”
“Well, this whole situation might be a WEE bit different than what we originally said. You see-” Adam smacked a hand over Julie’s mouth before she could say anything more.
“Basically, she tracked down and stole my sperm!”
“I did not STEAL it!” Julie shoved Adam’s arm away, “You donated it voluntarily!”
“Yes, but I thought, not unreasonably, that it wouldn’t get hidden away for ten years-”
“Ten YEARS!?” Ellen interjected.
“And then get smuggled away and used by some psychotic woman to have my child-children!- after I became famous from a reality TV show and gained a loving, yet disturbingly devoted army of fans who stalk me on twitter and steal my SPERM DONATIONS!!!” Adam gestured wildly as his voice began to shoot into his highest octaves possible. That’s an impressive feat. Adam panted for a little bit as he came down from his rant-high. He turned around slowly to face Ellen, prepared for anything.
“So…That’s an interesting story there,” She nodded sagely.
“I may have gotten…a little carried way there,” Adam ducked his head.
“That’s ok. Just uh…She tracked down your sperm?”
“Well she found out that I had donated it and THEN tracked it down,” Adam admitted.
“How did you find out about this?”
“She told me at the mall,” Ellen barked out a laugh. Adam then realized that Julie had not said a peep of her side of the story since Adam’s explosion. That was uncharacteristic. He turned back around to look at her. She had a strange expression on her face and was clutching her stomach as she leaned against the wall for support.
“Oooohhh…” She let out a long moan, “Adam?” She addressed him in a weak, wavering voice.
“Wha?”
“I think my water just broke…” She whined and slid down the wall. Adam’s jaw dropped. Right NOW!? SERIOUSLY!?
--
Adam just stared and blinked at her for a little while as he tried to get this information to process fully.
“Adam!” She snapped at him, “I’m going into LABOR! Right fucking NOW!!”
“Um, ok! Right. Labor! Um…Hospital!” Adam tried to get his brain on track to focus and gave a quick “one second” finger to Ellen before he ran out the door to check where his mustang was parked just outside the back doors. Thank fucking GOD he had insisted on driving himself home after the interview. He ran back inside to help Julie up with Ellen’s assistance. He hoisted her up into his arms and carried her out to the car. After carefully buckling her into the front seat, he turned around to Ellen for a moment.
“Not a word right?”
“My lips are sealed my friend,” She air-zipped her lips.
“Can you two fucking HURRY IT UP!!??” Julie screeched at them, “I’m having BABIES!”
“Right! Coming!” He leaped into the driver’s seat and hauled ass to the hospital, breaking innumerable traffic laws and speed limits along the way. He had a woman in labor for Christ’s sake!! He was allowed to get away with this shit!
Finally, he swerved into the front of the hospital, tires screeching. And no, it was not just to be dramatic. He continued to leap back OUT of the driver’s seat and hauled JULIE’S ass INTO the hospital. He kicked the door open, shouting.
“I have a woman in labor!!” And, ok, maybe that was to be dramatic. He then proceeded to follow after several nurse and doctor people as they took Julie out of his arms and led her to the maternity ward and a nice cozy hospital room.
“Fucking fuck, this hurts!” Julie growled through gritted teeth as she lay back on the bed and awaited her epidural. Adam just twiddled his fingers as he waited for Sauli to pick up the phone.
“Hey Adam, what’s going on? I thought you were supposed to be back from Ellen-”
“Look, yeah about that, Julie’s in labor,”
“What!?”
“Yeah…So if you could come down to the hospital right now? I need some support right now,”
“I’M the one who needs fucking support!! Call my mother!!” Julie shouted at him from her bed as she grabbed the handrails.
“Yeah, I’ll be down there Adam,” Sauli assured quickly before hanging up. Adam turned back to Julie.
“I don’t know your mother’s number!”
“Check my phone! Or call YOUR mother, I don’t care!! Get me someone who can coach me through this who’s not a gay man! I feel you may not be the best authority on childbirth!”
“Point. Now, where’s your phone?” Adam’s eyes darted around the room.
“Check my purse!” Julie seemed incapable of lowering her voice past one exclamation point. Not that Adam blamed her; she looked like a balloon about to pop. He scrolled through her phone’s contacts until he spotted “Mom”.
“Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up!” he muttered as he waited.
“Hello?”
‘Hi! Mrs. Turner?”
“Yes, who is this on my daughter’s phone?”
“Um…” Adam wasn’t sure how much Julie had told her family about this whole thing, “Julie’s in labor!”
“What!? Oh, is this Adam?”
“Yes! Julie told you..?”
“That you’re the father of her children? Yes, she did. Last week, in fact. She had been keeping it a secret but she said I would find out soon enough,”
“That’s true. But yes, this is Adam, the father,”
“Ok good. You say she’s in labor!?”
“Yeah and she wants you down here,”
“Of course she does! I’ll be there in two shakes of a lamb’s tail!”
“You know which hospital?”
“Yup, now stop talking and let me drive!”
“Yes, Mrs. Turner,”
“Call me Sherry dear!” She then hung up.
After Adam set down the phone, he decided that he would, in fact, call his own mother and see if she could come down too. He needed as many experienced people as he could get down here.
Sauli, Sherry and Leila arrived at about the same time to Adam and Julie’s hospital room. It was also at about the same time, the male nurse told Julie that she couldn’t have an epidural.
“What do you FUCKING MEAN it’s too late!” She screeched and grabbed the nurse’s collar. Adam gently pulled her hands away before she killed the poor guy.
“I-I’m sorry miss! You’re too far along at this point! You’re just going to have to do it without painkillers,” She looked like she was about to go for the nurse’s throat. Both Sherry and Leila quickly grabbed each of Julie’s arms and held her back down to the bed.
She screamed out once in pain before lying down on the bed and sacrificing herself to her fate. She turned to glare at Adam.
“I hate you sooo much right now!!” She hissed between groans of pain.
“Me!? What did I do!?” The nurse gave him an “are you seriously asking that?” look
“Well, it’s your sperm so it must be your fault SOMEHOW!!”
“I didn’t do anything! You did this to yourself!”
“Not entirely!!”
“Hey! You did not HAVE to get inseminated!”
“Exactly!! And if I hadn’t seen your god damned name glowing from that god damned donor list, I would’ve chickened out!! Ergo, YOU’RE FUCKING FAULT!!”
“Ok! Ok!” Adam put his hands up in surrender, “It’s my fault! Can we discuss this later!?”
Sauli, Sherry and Leila all exchanged looks. This was going to be a long, looong night.