the full regret will seem obscure
congratulations. you just runined your night. while your friends are out back laughing and having a good time youre sitting at the computer. and five minutes ago you were taking more amphedamines. and ten minutes ago you were sliding the razor across your fuckin white wrist. and then there was the scissors. and then the scarlet color. but you just wanted it so bad. you just want it to stop bleeding and you just want him. you just want to join in with their laughter and memories yet you fill as if it just isnt right. as if you are destined to be alone. and no matter what anyone says to you, no matter how many times you say you are the coolest girl ive met dont be sad and no matter how many times you say i love you i cant stop. i wish i could. i wish the fucking clock in the background would stop ticking and i wish i knew what my purpose was here. i wish i didnt feel so weak and i wish i could stand up and go drink that bottle of vodka alone. i wish you were here to drink it with me but you arent. you arent. and you probably wont ever be. will you? i wish this heartache would leave and for one moment this depression would fade. i wish times like these, when i should be having the most fun, end up with me happy. like the beginning of today. or maybe even last night. that made me happy. because it was fun. yet it made me realize how badly i needed someone. someone just to hold me and kiss me. and make me laugh. and although i believed myself when i said you werent the one i still want fun. and i still want you to make me laugh. and i still want you to kiss me and i still want to fill your tongue in my mouth. not because i like you but because you made me happy. and happiness is what i need right now. i need to sniff those pills that are left over because swallowing them just doesnt seem to be cutting it. speaking of cutting. i just need something. i just need something. oh. please. i just want to soak myself in that freezing cold water and i just want you there next to me. i want you to help me swallow those pills and i want you to kiss me as i do. but its okay. i promise its okay. ill be okay. these nights are over as soon as they started, please believe me. please. <3