Depressing self-talk
I've had the roughest summer of my life.
I've been thinking and looking back and thinking and I can't come to any good conclusion.
After returning to Sac, I didn't things would be in a way, worse. I already had a pretty bad morning, but later that day I was on my way to a teacher's office (not my private teacher, who would never do this) when I overheard him harshly criticizing me to one of my friends. The door to his studio was open, and he wasn't hushing his voice at all. I heard him when I turned the CORNER, and his office is halfway down the hallway. I really couldn't help it and even though I was determined not to let myself be pessimistic this semester, I broke down crying. My friend found me and I think she felt really bad and was doing her best to cheer me up. She wasn't very happy either with what the teacher said, especially because he also criticized her private teacher (who was in the room NEXT DOOR).
Some serious self-evaluation went down and even though I did my best, I couldn't stop tearing up on and off the rest of the day and finally talked it out with another friend who actually was super supportive. I've had problems with this same teacher in the past, but he is kind of notorious for walking all over his students and using people to make himself look good. He also does extreme favoritism. If you're not liked, you won't get any opportunities or any more of his time than he feels obligated. I didn't want to realize/admit this about him because he's really done me some favors in the past, but I don't know what to think anymore. What's worse is he was relaying some criticism my underclassmates had against me. I can't stand it when people talk about others behind their backs. I don't even want to see these people, especially because they are all people who have been pretending to be on good terms with me all this time.
I understand all my faults so much clearly now. I don't know why I thought it was ok to let them go unfixed for so long. I really need to change for the better. I guess this is karma because unless I had gone through such shock, I never would have had the resolve to change myself. I really want to regain some self-ego though, because my tank is running on negative f*cking 500% right now. I'm so depressed I don't want to be in school anymore. It's funny because I'm not the only one who feels like this in my department. This place must be some sort of twilight zone.
I've been thinking and looking back and thinking and I can't come to any good conclusion.
After returning to Sac, I didn't things would be in a way, worse. I already had a pretty bad morning, but later that day I was on my way to a teacher's office (not my private teacher, who would never do this) when I overheard him harshly criticizing me to one of my friends. The door to his studio was open, and he wasn't hushing his voice at all. I heard him when I turned the CORNER, and his office is halfway down the hallway. I really couldn't help it and even though I was determined not to let myself be pessimistic this semester, I broke down crying. My friend found me and I think she felt really bad and was doing her best to cheer me up. She wasn't very happy either with what the teacher said, especially because he also criticized her private teacher (who was in the room NEXT DOOR).
Some serious self-evaluation went down and even though I did my best, I couldn't stop tearing up on and off the rest of the day and finally talked it out with another friend who actually was super supportive. I've had problems with this same teacher in the past, but he is kind of notorious for walking all over his students and using people to make himself look good. He also does extreme favoritism. If you're not liked, you won't get any opportunities or any more of his time than he feels obligated. I didn't want to realize/admit this about him because he's really done me some favors in the past, but I don't know what to think anymore. What's worse is he was relaying some criticism my underclassmates had against me. I can't stand it when people talk about others behind their backs. I don't even want to see these people, especially because they are all people who have been pretending to be on good terms with me all this time.
I understand all my faults so much clearly now. I don't know why I thought it was ok to let them go unfixed for so long. I really need to change for the better. I guess this is karma because unless I had gone through such shock, I never would have had the resolve to change myself. I really want to regain some self-ego though, because my tank is running on negative f*cking 500% right now. I'm so depressed I don't want to be in school anymore. It's funny because I'm not the only one who feels like this in my department. This place must be some sort of twilight zone.